Two Sides of Sexual Assault

The Two Sides of Sexual Assault

T.K. McNeil

Motivated Hashtags

Most politically motivated hashtags are little more than shouts into the void. #MeToo being an obvious exception. The #MeToo movement is a social reaction against sexual harassment and sexual assault. Few hashtags, other than those associated with the “Arab Spring,” have had the same sort of real-world results.

Support the Victim

It is both interesting and disheartening to watch how the conversation and narrative has shifted on the issue of sexual assault. Mostly for the negative. I don’t think this says anything negative about the hashtag itself. Because the hashtag really is about supporting the victims of sexual assault.

Going Viral

Social media erupted sending the hashtag viral. The explosive growth in size and importance of the hashtag went beyond what was expected, or perhaps, even intended. The problem with a bandwagon is that anyone can jump on board. The most shocking turn, at least to me, was the statement that #MeToo is for “women and victims, not men and perpetrators.”

Empathy not Agreement

I can empathize with the frustration behind such a statement, particularly in the context it was first made. The answer was given in response to questions about what the movement will do to help any men unfairly accused of sexual assault. There is, however, a much deeper implication and assumption to the statement which is wrong, by which I mean incorrect, in a fundamental way.

It Just Takes a celebrity

On 10/15/17 film star Alyssa Milano in response to the media uproar over the sexual assault and harassment charges against Harvey Weinstein tweeted the following: “If you’ve been sexually harassed or sexually assaulted write “Me Too” in reply to this text”.

The Big Response

Within 24 hours social media was flooded with more than 12 million stories of sexual assault, and sexual harassment. #MeToo quickly became a way for users to talk about their experiences of sexual violence and just as importantly, stand in solidarity with other survivors. Despite gaining steam in light of the Harvey Weinstein sexual abuse case, this is not actually where the hashtag started.

Tarana Burke

The true progenitor of the phrase that would gain both fame and notoriety is African-American social and civil rights activist and community organizer Tarana Burke. Burke began using Me Too in 2006.

Canada Too

Kelly Oxford is a Canadian humorist and blogger who in April of 2017 wrote a collection of essays in which she relates many of the worst things that have happened to her through her life in a funny self-reflective “When You Find Out The World Is Against You”, drew thousands of #MeToo replies within the first few hours.

Clearly a Creeper

Oxford’s accounts of sexual assault do not take a “men are evil” tone, which some #MeTooer’s have done. The closest thing is when she recounts a doctor, who was clearly a creeper, gave her an unnecessary breast exam when she was 14. The most egregious case, however, an attempted rape when Oxford was in high school, was stopped by the intervention of the assailant’s much smaller male friend.

Reasonable Reactions

Stories of intervention and help by men and boys are told far too rarely in the context of sexual assault. We all know at least one person who has been sexually assaulted. We also know at least one or more stories of men either intervening in the middle of an incident or supporting someone in the aftermath of an attack. Clearly, most men are appalled by sexual assault.

Not All

I have several of my own, never thinking twice when asked to walk with a woman at night and having held several friends while they cried, remembering what happened to them. Still, too few are willing to talk about it and tend to get shot down if they try. I understand the backlash to “not all.”

There is a problem.

When most men say, “not all” what they mean is “not me.” The implications to what can seem like blanket statements such as “male perpetrators” can be quite hurtful to those who would never do that and more than likely have done their best to help when it happens.

More Accurate 

I suggest that men who are sickened by sexual assault should say something like “I recognize there is a problem and am trying not to be part of it”. Not especially pithy but far more accurate and constructive than “not all” of us are bad.

Dirty Secret

Often underappreciated are the number of males who are victims of sexual assault; not only by other men, but also by female predators. This revelation can be somewhat shocking, because it goes so hard against what we are taught to believe. Part of the problem is that males, usually young boys, are afraid to come forward. This kind of stuff doesn’t happen to boys, because they are supposed to be big and strong.

The Unreported

So, it is understandable that the overall stats on sexual assault on males is dramatically under reported. Estimates show that about 50% of sexual assaults on females go unreported to authorities. It has been estimated that perhaps as much as 90% of sexual assault against males goes unreported. That is a major problem in offering services or prosecution. With male victims the stigma of reporting sexual assault is high. First there is the masculine image that goes against such possibilities. But also the very real fear that they are even less likely to be believed than a female survivor.

A Shift in the Narrative

The subject of male sexual assault has historically been shrouded in secrecy and stigma. Our culture values manliness. Guys are simply not allowed to admit that they have been sexually assaulted and abused. Many services are directed at the needs of girls and women who are sexually assaulted, but for males services are close to non-existent. Our law enforcement and justice systems are ill-equipped to deal with sexual abuse when it is committed against men. This whole class of male sexual assault victims is an almost forgotten class of victims. Fortunately, as I said, this is starting to change. A change brought on by a shift in the cultural narrative. People are finally beginning to have an open conversation about sexual assault and its effects on people and society. The use of power against the powerless, whether male or female.

“The Perks of Being a Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky

Reports are sketchy and statistics inadequate but there does seem to be an increase in the reports of sexual assault by males upon males and more slowly, females upon male attacks. Something I think helped a lot, it certainly did me, was finding, the controversial novel “The Perks of Being A Wallflower.” Initially a best-selling Young Adult novel and later a popular film, the story pulls no punches in terms of portraying sexual assault trauma.

All About Charlie

Charlie, the main character of the book, was raped by his aunt when he was a small boy. That sexual abuse led to serious emotional issues when he becomes a teenager. Issues including severe introversion, aversion to touch and a reflexive defense instinct that led him to unconscious acts of violence in direct opposition to his mild nature.

Not Just Your #MeToo

This is a subject with which I have some personal experience. From the ages of six to 12, I was repeatedly and regularly sexually assaulted by a female relative.  Criminal touching was just the beginning. The things she did to me would be called rape if they were done by a male, or they happened to a female.

Control and Domination
It does not matter who provokes it, a relative, a teacher, a babysitter, a woman in a position of power or authority over a young male-is the type of sexual experience that is all about control and domination, not gratification and sexual pleasure. Premature or forced sex causes confusion, anger, sadness, depression, guilt and other psychological problems. In some cases, the victim will experience suicidal feelings. Being used as a sexual object by a powerful person is always abusive and traumatizing.

The Aftermath

Contrary to the assumptions of the time, it did not feel good. It hurt and I didn’t want it. The effects were both physical and psychological.  Her abuse left scars that are still with me, 26 years later.

In This Together

My hope is that more men will feel empowered to come forward.  The millions of #MeToo stories have made it clear that #MeToo is for both males and females. #MeToo is for support, not further victimization after sexual assault. Clearly rape and sexual assault are not exclusively women’s issues and should not be divisive. It is a human issue that affects all of us. We are in this together.