Rules of Etiquette, Texas Style
The Rules of Etiquette, Texas Style
I lived in Texas, so it’s okay if I jest about my former home. So, sit back and let me explain to you how not to do things in Texas if you want to be asked to another shin-dig.
By David Shadrick
Personal Hygiene Etiquette
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dining Out Etiquette
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Entertaining in the Home Etiquette
A centerpiece for a table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good its manners are.
Dating (Outside the Family) Etiquette
Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested, like; “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men’s bathroom wall two years ago.”
Establish with her parents the time she is expected back. Some will say, “10:00 pm;” others might say, “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.”
Theater Etiquette
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
Wedding Etiquette
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot, even if she is your cousin.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can give a tacky appearance.
Although uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Tips for All Occasions
Never take beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
It’s considered tacky to take your cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky, if not down right rude, to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Conclusion
That about sums up all the funny things I can come up with related to Texas. On the other hand there are a whole lot of things going on in Texas that are not funny, not right, or even Constitutional. It is time the people of Texas turn out the Republican majority in the Texas Legislature and go blue.
