102 Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts Ever . . .

102 Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts Ever . . .

Editor: Usually Anna outlines the perfect gifts and outings for the holidays, however, today she wants to warn you lovers, there are a few things you should steer clear of on the most romantic holiday of the year.

By Anna Hessel

Don’t Even Think Of Buying These For Your Valentine…

1. A sponge mop from Dollar Tree
2. An autographed photo of Donald Trump – I would rather have the sponge mop from Dollar Tree.
3. Slippers in the shape of a unicorn
4. A night at a Trump hotel – this will surely put an end to your relationship.
5. Naming a cockroach after your significant other – naming a cockroach after Donald Trump, however, is a different story but to be safe, stick with a virtual adoption of a beautiful animal headed toward extinction.
6. Any item made by the “my pillow” guy.
7. A COVID test kit (well, on second thought…)
8. Any bottle of lotion that has the word “firming” on the label.
9. A DVD collection of the Bachelor – if the dude was capable of getting his own date, he wouldn’t need a reality check, I mean show.
10. A “Trumpy Bear” – yes the damn things actually exist, we live in a sick world.

102 Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts Ever . . .

What Not To Buy

11. Anything made by Ivanka or Melania – don’t go there.
12. Any book about the Trump’s, unless they are anti-Trump.
13. An “Apprentice” board game with a picture of the Donald on the box – this gift will result in unpleasant gagging and a possible trip to the ER; a sponge mop from Dollar Tree is a much better present.
14. A Red Ryder rifle – this is a Christmas gift, and she may shoot your eye out.
15. Any firearm or membership in the NRA – DO NOT GO THERE, ever.
16. A biography of Donald Trump, unless you are using it to avoid any dinner plans.
17. A biography of Moscow Mitch – again expect gagging sounds to occur when your beloved unwraps this bon-a-fide stomach ache.
18. A Magic Eraser – just not as romantic as that sponge mop.
19. Any insect covered in Chocolate, far better than any Trump related gift, but does not have the romantic appeal of a cockroach adoption or sponge mop.
20. The Life and Times of Melania Trump, much less desirable than anything from the Dollar Tree.

More What Not To Buy

21. A Ted Cruz audiobook, oh, gag.
22. A Marco Rubio audiobook, double gag.
23. A diet book – don’t go there; head straight to Tiffany’s with your credit card at the ready.
24. Socks (‘nuff said).
25. Anything with spandex.
26. Anything from Walmart – don’t go there literally.
27. A Peloton, I think they are going out of business, anyway.
28. An oil change from the local lube place, a couple’s gift massage certificate – now those are gifts…
29. A DVD about the Trump’s, unless you are trying to break up with your significant other.
30. Golf balls – even pink ones don’t cut it.

Even More Of What Not To Buy

31. A voodoo doll of your ex.
32. Anything with deodorant.
33. Justin Bieber’s official biography.
34. Jingle bell underwear from the Christmas Clearance table.
35. A nose hair trimmer, especially for a female.
36. A Chia pet, especially the Donald Trump version.
37. Paintball gift certificate.
38. Microwavable slipper socks.
39. Any publication on growing old gracefully.
40. A gigantic coffee mug that says size matters.

Don’t Go There…

41. A lava lamp.
42. A trash can basketball game.
43. A stress ball.
44. A car trunk organizer.
45. A colonoscopy gift certificate (no bu[t]ts about this one…)
46. A vintage mood ring.
47. Anything anti-wrinkle.
48. Macarena dance lessons.
49. Anything pumpkin spice.
50. Tickets to see the musical Frozen.

Get The Hint Yet?

51. Expired gift cards.
52. A wastepaper basket, even a rhinestone encrusted one.
53. A cushioned toilet seat with a fish motif.
54. Mint flavored tongue scraper.
55. A cemetery plot.
56. A heart-shaped hamburger.
57. Any card, game, or book with reference to a bodily function.
58. Any empty jewelry box.
59. Do-it-yourself will or divorce kits.
60. A can of mustard sardines, packed in oil.

Do You See A Pattern Here?

61. A box of chocolates with two missing.
62. A box of chocolates with one missing.
63. Fundies undies.
64. Cubic zirconia.
65. A pink whoopee cushion.
66. Herring of the month club (unless you’re from St. Olaf).
67. Anything NASCAR.
68. Anything with the words “self-help”, “relationship-advice”, or “self-growth”.
69. A fruitcake left over from last Christmas.
70. A coin purse in the shape of any part of one’s anatomy.

Get My Drift?

71. Fake doggy poop.
72. A bling facemask.
73. Beef jerky.
74. A bikini razor.
75. A tuna fish scented candle.
76. A bratwurst scented candle.
77. A motor oil scented candle.
78. A gasoline scented bath bomb.
79. A tuna fish scented bath bomb.
80. A gift certificate for tire rotation.

Now Do You Get My Drift?

81. Anything painted on black velvet.
82. Anything flamingo (except a virtual adoption of the real thing).
83. Squid of the month club.
84. A weekend at Bernie’s.
85. Gummy worms.
86. A keychain in the shape of a unicorn.
87. An ugly sweater from the markdown rack.
88. Any item advertised on late night TV.
89. Anything advertised on an infomercial.
90. A banana tree.

Get It? Got It? Good…

91. Magnets in the shape of animal derrieres.
92. A teensy violin.
93. A desktop golf game.
94. A pack of gum.
95. A Donald Trump Bobblehead.
96. The poop emoji couch pillow.
97. The DVD collection of “Duck Dynasty”.
98. Inflatable anything.
99. A hot-air balloon ride in a thunderstorm.
100. A traffic jam sleep sound from Amazon.
101. A spa day at Club Fed (that’s reserved for Donald Trump).
102. Remember – shapewear is NOT lingerie…