HUMOR: Abolishing “Age-Appropriate” Attire
By Anna Hessel
Looking Back
I’ve been spending some time reflecting on 2020 – what a disaster! I am, however, very proud of the fact that I kept almost all of my New Year’s resolutions so far for this year: to buy more shoes, drink more mocha lattes, and I certainly hope I was of service in some way to God and humanity. I graciously invited Mr. Louboutin and Mr. Choo to join Mr. Blahnik in my closet. I drank so many skim decaf black mocha lattes that both our local Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts have each dedicated a chair in my honor. A pandemic summer without the pool is as good a time as any to reflect on old memories as we look forward to new ones.
Reality Check
One such memory came to mind when I was sorting through my brand-new shoe acquisitions. This remembrance is from some years ago, when one of my all-time favorite cable television “reality” shows did a nationwide tour with a stop at a local area mall. The program was TLC’s “What Not to Wear”; I still have a collection of old VHS tapes of numerous episodes from the show’s 10-year run. From 2004 through 2013 (I began watching in the second season), I relied on style experts Clinton Kelly and Stacy London to educate, inform, and entertain, with realistic, thought-provoking, and sensible fashion advice.
Ready and Willing
Armed with the show’s style “rules”, I carefully dressed for my day at the mall. I was one of the first women to sign up for a “What Not to Wear” makeover. Clad in non-mom jeans (dark wash, boot cut), a black turtleneck, and an attractive teal blazer, with understated jewelry and my favorite Louis Vuitton barrel bag, I arrived at the event, ready for my style session. Moving as fast as my pointy-toe Blahniks would allow, I breezed into the shopping center in a cloud of Vera Wang’s Princess perfume. My bedraggled husband was in tow with the debit card at the ready.
Will the Real Fashion Plate Please Stand Up
I approached the sign-in desk manned by a trendy young woman, dressed to the teeth in a chocolate brown leather skirt, cream silk ruffled blouse, and a requisite pop of color mauve booties, Tiffany bracelet dangling off her dainty wrist. As my eyes scanned the many racks of fashionable finery that any woman would welcome into her wardrobe, I felt the makeover anticipation building. The attractive lady in charge of registrations handed me a booklet explaining the exciting process.
Let The Festivities Begin…
First, the makeup chair, where a trained artist artfully applied a bevy of cosmetics to give me a natural and fresh look. I was mascaraed, blushed, eye-lined, and given contoured lips with a French pout. The waiting lounge offered colorful sofas with coordinating thick throw pillows where a collection of current fashion magazines adorned an attractive glass and chrome coffee table. I sipped a Diet Coke, being careful not to ruin my newly applied lipstick. I waited patiently, inspecting my French manicure, while bubbling with excitement. From here it was on to the main event: the wardrobe critique. Just like on the TV program, I was shown three very flattering outfits for my body type. After that I would have the opportunity to put together two rather stunning ensembles of my choice from any of the many fashionable stores in the mall.
I Got This…
This would be a cakewalk – my many years of pageantry had readied me for constructive criticism. I could only recall one unpleasant experience: it actually happened to my beautiful BFF Stephanie, who was once told that her stunning outfit, consisting of a funky T-shirt, skater’s skirt, and strappy sandals, were too young of a look for her. We knew this to be impossible, since she’s five years my junior, and of course, looked amazing in her attirement. Apparently, women of a certain age are expected to dress a certain way. Putting this ludicrous thought from my mind, I followed my friendly and perky fashion escort to the center court, where one of TLC’s stylists, personally trained by Stacy London herself, would create a new look just for me.
Behind Curtain Number One
I was seated on a stool facing three mannequins, while a significantly large crowd gathered in the observation area. The first of the garbed trio was a gorgeous grey tunic teamed with navy pinstripe slacks, blue wedge booties, a long silver necklace with varying sizes of circles containing colorful beads, and funky hoop earrings – I loved it… My spouse grabbed my lipstick-smeared Diet Coke can to press against his forehead when he saw the substantial price.
In the Center Ring
Next up was a royal blue cocktail dress, complete with a silver mid-heel sandal and dangly rhinestone earrings with a coordinating statement cuff bracelet, equally as fashion forward. My husband downed the Diet Coke, after a glance at the dollar amount of the ensemble. The last option was a fabulous deep plum suit with a pencil skirt, pearls, and power pumps. My other half began seeking out something stronger than the Coke he had just chugged, as we tallied up the cost. Now it was my turn – I was to scan the stores and return with a casual apparel assortment of my choosing.
Pick Up
I made a quick stop at Carson’s for a deep blue velour running suit and a pair of navy Keds, teamed with a silk white cami, sterling silver stud earrings, and black mirrored aviator sunglasses. Then off to Torrid, where I had seen shiny black leggings, patent lace-up boots, and a totally amazing oversized T with pink rhinestones. This I combined with silver shoulder duster earrings and a fluorescent beaded bracelet. I rushed back to couture central to proudly display my amazing discoveries to my pretty and perky style consultant.
After a Fashion…
Microphone in hand, so that no one congregated in the area could miss her commentary on my quite chic choices, the savvy specialist assigned to me heartily approved my choice of track suit and the complementing accessories. Now I was about to really wow her with my trendy threads from Torrid… With a dazzling, triumphant smile, I lifted the hanger holding the leggings and oversized T. “That’s a pretty youthful look, are you sure that’s what you want to wear?” was her response. Say WHAT? Huh? Did I hear a gasp in the crowd? I ruefully hung up my up-to-the-minute ensemble, only to pick it back up moments later, much to the chagrin of my fashion virtuoso. Accepting my complimentary magnet and cosmetic goody bag, I took the walk of shame back to Torrid.
Rise Up!
Women of a certain age, we must unite! Who determines at what point in life we stop having fun with our clothes? That black floppy hat with cutout hearts, cheetah print infinity scarf from Claire’s, and those hot pink peep-toe zippered sandals, are not just for the youth of today. They are also for the young at heart (BFF Beth, I know you’re with me, princess…). I remember a mocha latte date with my BFF Fashionable Fran from the Curvy Girl’s Closet. She was rocking a funky pair of low-heeled combat boots and she looked amazing. I bought myself a pair; in the words of Cindy Lauper, “Your mother wears army boots, it’s all coming true…” Old broads just want to have fun (BFF Suzie, are you in?).
Take It Back
We, the women of a certain age, must make 2021 the year we take back the fashion scene. We must make Elle Woods proud (watch “Legally Blonde” and tweet me when you get that reference – BFF’s Carissa and Rose, you know what I’m talking about…). Clad in pink ruffled scarves, convertible mitten-gloves, and high-top sneakers (mine are black, they were out of pink at Famous Footwear), we will seize the world of style by storm.
Been There
We lived through mood rings, shoulder pads, slip dresses, the Annie Hall look, and Wonder Bras; some of us even burned our bras, hopefully not while wearing them. We fear no big hair, we can Dippity Do with the best of them. We remember when pantyhose first hatched, and we wore black lace fingerless gloves although we don’t know why. Back in the 80’s I even owned a pair of sequin mesh Madonna boots ala “Desperately Seeking Susan”. (They met their demise after I got caught in a rainstorm while wearing them – I don’t recommend placing anything with mesh or sequins in a clothes dryer). Ladies, we deserve vindication.
Coyote Ugly, Anyone?
Come on girls, grab your graphic owl tees (BFF’s Cathy, Eleanor, and Linda, this means you!) We are about to dance on the bar of life, or maybe just on the one over at Richie’s Restaurant and Sports Bar. BFF’s Ginger, Sue, and Deb, I’ll need help getting down off the bar, too. Though we may actually need the fire department for extrication. Hey, girlfriends, that’s not a bad way to meet good-looking first responders… You can count on me to bring the Herschel and the Hillbillies disco mix cassette, asthma inhalers, and the tube of Ben Gay. We can do this –we are the generation who wears Spandex and insists it’s not a girdle.
Going Out There
Get your studded leather jackets ready, BFF’s Dee-Dee, Anita, and Vanessa, for Cher’s latest “farewell” tour; we will hold our lighters high, and forget where we parked the car. BFF’s Kris and Christine, grab your gummy bracelets and pink sequin cowgirl hats, we will not “sit this one out”. We will dance on the stage at Country Thunder and at the next Billy Dean concert in our pink suede cowgirl boots and forget where we parked the car. We will team bifocals with denim jackets and tank tops with the word “HOT” emblazoned across the girls – hopefully Playtex will support our efforts (BFF’s Dawn and LaSonya, are you up for this?).
Age And Beauty
We will host “Dress Like Your Granddaughter Day” – onesies and bibs excluded (BFF’s Brenda and Rhonda, you in?). Spring Break 2021: “Grannies Go Wild” (BFF’s Nancy, Danielle, and Iris, are you with me?) My beautiful and sexy sisters, Nancy, Amy, Peggy, Gwendolyn, Janet, and Michelle, we will wear pink feather boas with the very best of them. My friends, if I missed any of you, let’s face it, my memory is not like it used to be, but I can still rock a bright purple suede silver-studded jacket.
We’re Ready for This
We will defy elastic waistbands and Velcro closures. Surfaced by hyaluronic acid, fortified by Activa, stratified by collagen cream, foliated by Botox, exfoliated by microdermabrasion, smoothed by cellulite wraps, and veneered by Whitestrips, we will strut our stuff down the runways of life in our designer Depends (mine will be pink), and we will do it all with style.
