By Anna Hessel
Its hard to believe the holiday season is already here. As we prepare to celebrate, who can forget decorations? Sometimes I wish my husband would. Don’t get me wrong, I love a tasteful wreath on the door and a holly berry candle glowing on the mantle. And this year, thanks to my recent DNA test, we will be including a menorah along with the family creche. My significant other, however, is not a Clinton Kelly when it comes to holiday embellishment.
As I sit watching a Hallmark Christmas movie, I glance up in unmasked horror to see my spouse, attired in a Santa hat and flashing Christmas tree tie, hanging a string of bells on the bathroom doorknob. Curious, but cautious I enter the powder room, which he has transformed into a winter wonderland, as in, “I wonder what the heck happened to my bathroom?”.
Gone are the tasteful lace-edged fingertip towels and gold-edged ceramic soap pump. In their place, is Hallmark’s ‘Jolly in the John’. Jolly is a talking snowman, holding a plunger, telling our guests they “look a little flush” and singing the “Potty Song”. My husband loves this little guy as much as he loves his Saab. Jolly doesn’t come alone. Joining good ol’ Jolly is his pet reindeer, another Hallmark creation, sporting a roll of toilet paper on one of his antlers. And, rounding out the tacky trio is Mr. Jolly’s “wife”, a plastic snow woman soap pump.
A purple garland now adorns the shower curtain rod, and the shell toilet seat has been covered with a giant Santa face, gloved hands covering his eyes. Do you blame him? He has replaced my attractive celery green with chocolate-brown polka-dots bathrobe with a latch hook creation of eight tiny reindeer, a rather unfortunate garage sale find. As I turn to flee this holiday horror I nearly knock over hubby who is nailing mistletoe above the ‘necessary’ room’s door.
Taking refuge on the couch I resume my paused holiday-inspired film. I take a fortifying gulp of
my mocha latte and I watch suspiciously as my husband makes his way to the kitchen. There is a devilish glint in his eye, and our bell-collared pug, Maggie, follows close behind. In my better(?) half’s hands I can see he is carrying a pair of Rudolph pot holders and a Grinch tea towel. Visions of plastic glitter sugar plums strung on the stove dance in my head, threatening a migraine.
Did I mention, our cats, Zoe and Latte, are wearing kitty-sized elf ears? Does murdering a spouse still hold a life sentence?
I am the first to admit I have one of those aluminum trees (mine is pink), and a hodge-podge of sentimental ornaments. Yes, I am guilty of a bit of tawdry tastelessness, but over the years my spouse has acquired a plethora of assorted kitschy Christmas items, right down to the glow-in-the-dark snowman boxers. I do not lie.
We have certainly decked the halls with a unique bevy of holiday decor, but always in the theme of “peace on earth and goodwill toward men”. I married a man with style…and a love of garage sale finds.