Category: Holidays

Hints Your Valentine Might Not Be A Romantic

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Hints Your Valentine Might Not Be A Romantic

Hints Your Valentine Might Not Be A Romantic

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 Here are 14 warning signs your date isn’t Cupid-approved:

  1. His idea of a romantic evening out involves a monster truck rally or tractor pull.
  2. He drops a hint that maybe you will be getting something sparkly and he gifts you a roll of ‘Sparkle’ paper towels.
  3. Instead of a heart shaped box of chocolates you get an expired granola bar with a left over Christmas bow on it.
  4. He spends half the evening comparing you to his ex (you need to run away screaming).
  5. He brings an old college chum that happens to be in town along on your date.
  6. He lives with his mom.
  7. He tells you to wear your paint clothes and ratty old sneakers on your date.
  8. He wears paint clothes and ratty old sneakers on your date.
  9. He keeps staring at his reflection in every glass surface he passes.
  10. Every gift he gives is stamped “made in PRC.”
  11. He arrives for your date with no gift and an explanation that the Dollar General had already closed.
  12. He brought an open half drunk bottle of wine for your romantic evening at home.
  13. His Valentine’s Day present is a re-gift from Christmas.
  14. A romantic dinner with this guy involves a bucket of chicken and a can of beer.

More food for thought:

In recent weeks, I have seen a number of ads for un-Valentines celebrations and I find it disparaging for such a beloved holiday. There is an old song entitled “What the World Needs Now is Love (Sweet Love)” – it goes on to say, “It’s the only thing, that there’s just too little of”; I agree. “Lord, we don’t need another mountain, There are mountains and hillsides enough to climb…” Yes, what the world needs now is love for our fellow men and women. Love for all humanity.

I know Valentines Day is about romantic love, but for this year let’s make it about love for all humankind, animals, and our planet. Let’s perform an act of kindness before we devour frilly pink and red heart-shaped boxes of chocolates and heart-shaped pizzas. A smile or a wave. Hold a door open for someone, send a card, hug somebody that needs it, agree to disagree with kindness. “Love thy neighbor as thyself”. Practice self love: take a break from social media, binge watch Hallmark movies with your significant other and your fur babies, take a bubble bath, get a massage and pedicure. Eat healthy, do some yoga, because as another tune teaches us, “love in any language, straight from the heart”, has style…

What I am Thankful for this Thanksgiving

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What I am Thankful for This Thanksgiving

What I am Thankful for This Thanksgiving

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

Our nation is in crisis, but I am still thankful to God for the following this day:

 

  1. My loved ones: spouse, family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and furbabies.
  2. I am thankful for all the progressives at every level fighting against the dictator who thinks he is a king.
  3. I am thankful for the fact I never voted for him – I couldn’t live with that on my conscience.
  4. I am thankful for the arts in every form.
  5. I am thankful for children’s laughter – may we protect these innocent ones from harm.
  6. I am thankful that LBGTQ rights are still protected for now, because I love people in that community, including family and close friends.
  7. I am thankful our right to free speech is still present and we can speak our mind for now.
  8. I am thankful for the opportunity to make people laugh.
  9. I am thankful that the government shutdown is over and people can buy food to fill Thanksgiving tables, but my heart breaks that healthcare premiums will pay the price.
  10. I am thankful we can still worship in the faith we desire, and pray that God’s truth may finally break through the racist hate that is not what Christianity should stand for.
  11. I am thankful for freedom – the freedom our military has fought for and protects.
  12. I am thankful for a democracy – may our nation never be robbed of this.
  13. I am thankful for the 25th Amendment – may it be put to good use very soon.
  14. I am thankful for the right to vote – may we use this wisely.
  15. I am thankful for the power of the press, and may I never abuse that privilege.
  16. I am thankful for the power of words that we must use wisely.
  17. I am thankful for all those standing against ICE – just like the first Thanksgiving when native Americans and pilgrims shared a meal together in peace.
  18. I am thankful pumpkin spice season is nearly over.
  19. I am thankful to not have to eat turkey spam from a can.
  20. I am thankful for each of you reading this.

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Ways to Celebrate Juneteenth

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Ways to Celebrate Juneteenth

Editor: Also called Emancipation Day, Freedom Day or Jubilee Day, Juneteenth is the commemoration of June 19, 1865, the day enslaved African Americans in Galveston, TX, learned that they were free.

Abraham Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation on January 1, 1863, but it only applied to people in Confederate states, not those enslaved in Union-held territories (they were not freed until the proclamation of the 13th Amendment). In Texas, a Confederate state where there was little Union Army presence, slavery continued years after the Emancipation Proclamation — and even after the 13th Amendment was passed by Congress on January 31, 1865 —most enslaved people in Texas were not aware of the news. Finally, in June of 1865, Major General Gordon Granger and a contingent of Union troops landed in Galveston, Texas to tell the enslaved peoples that the Civil War had ended and that they were now free. Something worth celebrating, I’d say.

Ways to Celebrate Juneteenth

By Cate Rees-Hessel

Thanks to President Joe Biden, Juneteenth is now a national holiday, as it long should have been. Here are some meaningful ways to celebrate this historic holiday with loved ones:

  1. Wear a Juneteenth T-shirt – my husband and I each have one (mine is pink).
  2. Teach a child about actual Black history.
  3. Teach a child about Abraham Lincoln, a president who was not afraid to end slavery, even if it caused the Civil War.
  4. Attend a Juneteenth event – towns all over the country are celebrating.
  5. Make a donation to the Obama Foundation – obama.org or the NAACP – www.naacp.org.
  6. Make a donation to the United Negro College Fund – after all, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.” uncf.org
  7. Watch “The Color Purple” or “Roots”.
  8. Read “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow is Enuf”
  9. Watch “A Raisin in the Sun”.
  10. Check out the Juneteenth book displays at your local library.
  11. Look for Juneteenth museum displays.
  12. Have a soul food picnic.
  13. Read about the Obamas, and Vice President Kamala Harris’ family.
  14. Research Hakeem Jeffries.
  15. Research Cory Booker.
  16. Post about Junteenth on social media.
  17. Read about the slaves that positively affected the life of Dolley Madison.
  18. Wish people a blessed and happy Juneteenth.
  19. Do something for holiday fun: water park, bike ride, enjoy summer on this new holiday.
  20. Resist racism by protesting against Trump – help save our democracy.
  21. Read about apartheid and Nelson Mandela.
  22. Many Black males are targeted for crimes they do not commit – tell a Black man you love and believe in him.
  23. Support Black owned businesses ( add a few)
  24. Watch Black television shows, listen to Black radio: letsstaytogethertalkshow.com, www.soarradio.com, and visit Black social media: www.facebook.com/theofficialplussizepower/.
  25. Pray for President Biden’s health, and thank him for making this holiday possible.

Festive Food For Thought

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Festive Food for Thought

Pumpkins spice and peppermint sticks every where you look.

Festive Food for Thought

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

Food for Thought

I hope everyone is having a joyous holiday season, shopping and preparing your favorite foods. Unlike many people, I enjoy grocery shopping; during a recent trip to the market I discovered some unusual edibles for the festive table. Imagine, if you can; unicorn pudding, Oreo and Warhead candy canes, sweet cinnamon Kit-Kats, white peppermint Twinkies, “Wintermint DingDongs” with ice blue filling, a reindeer-faced slice and bake cookie set complete with antlers and a red nose. There was a whole clearance aisle full of all things pumpkin spice, and a large selection of goods inspired by the movie “Frozen” – to this I say “Let It Go”…

Bake Someone Happy…

I admit it, I’m ready to bring back the Christmas’s of my childhood. Let ‘s bring back Christmas cookies made from scratch, and Jiffy Pop for our Christmas special viewing party snacks. We actually had to wait for our favorite programs like “A Charlie Brown Christmas”, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”, “Frosty the Snowman”, and “Rodgers and Hammerstein ‘s Cinderella”. These were actual classic TV shows, not a DVD in a player, or streaming any time I wanted to see it. These were a big deal. The networks advertised them for a month before the holiday. We’d invite friends over to watch these timeless holiday shows, because they were only shown once a year. I am a Hallmark movie kind of girl, but I miss the anticipation of those annual events.

Mmmmm, no…

We baked cupcakes, and set out a bowl of M & M ‘s – not jalapeno, thai coconut, coffee, hazelnut, caramel, crispy honeycomb, English toffee, chocolate marshmallow, white chocolate peppermint, white pumpkin pie, milk chocolate glow-in-the-dark, or even mint – we had plain and peanut, still my favorites. Hot chocolate was made with cow’s milk and the flavor was chocolate, with maybe a few marshmallows thrown in, and a dollop of Ready-Whip. There was no pumpkin spice, or peppermint anywhere is sight.

Snow Joke

We didn’t ask the musical question, “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” We just went out and built one, complete with carrot nose, lumps of coal for the eyes, and a tattered plaid scarf. Even the holiday commercials on television were festive; my favorite was always the Norelco shaver gliding over the white hills like a snowmobile, with the catch phrase, “even our name says Merry Christmas”.

“Pop”-ular Games

The toys under our trees both delighted and educated – I was the Julia Child of lightbulb cuisine; our “notebook/tablet” was an Etch-A-Sketch – stairways up, stairways down, and stacked boxes. We had Lite-Brites, Barrels of Monkeys, Spirographs, Bride Barbies, Tiddlywinks, and the game Trouble with the Pop-O-Matic – we thought that was cutting edge technology. Some of my favorites were Suzy Cute in her yellow plastic crib, Chatty Cathy, the Dawn doll’ s beauty pageant and beauty salon, Mrs. Beasley, and of course, I had a Swingy doll (mine was decked out in pink and orange) – (batteries not included).

Don’t Sweat(er) It…

Life was slower-paced, and we made our own fun and beautiful memories; we didn’t feature “ugly” Christmas sweaters, but wore green velvet dresses with red ribbons in our hair and shiny black Mary Janes on our feet. Christmas balls went on the tree, not on our apparel, and the coffee table candy dish was filled with ribbon hard candies. I wish you and all those you love a holiday season to remember; Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, and may your New Year arrive in style…

 

Deck the Halls, Not the Husband

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Deck the Halls, Not the Husband

While I love classy, my husband is attached to tacky.

 

Deck the Halls, Not the Husband

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

New Family Traditions

I like classic, classy things; my husband, on the other hand adores the tacky. Currently, he  is in a decorating frenzy, and that scares me. As we prepare to celebrate, who can forget decorations? I sometimes wish my other half would. Don’t get me wrong, I love a tasteful wreath on the door and a holly berry candle on the mantle, and this year, thanks to my recent DNA test, we will be including a menorah along with the family creche, however, my other half is not quite a Clinton Kelly when it comes to holiday embellishment.

Another Holiday Move

I look up from a Hallmark Christmas movie, and to my horror I see my spouse, attired in a Chicago Cubs Santa hat and a flashing Christmas tree tie, hanging jingle bells on the bathroom doorknob. Apparently, there are no safe places from his holiday mania. I cautiously enter the powder room, which has been transformed into a winter wonderland, as in I wonder what the heck happened to my bathroom.

Hang Up the Mistletoe…

Gone are the lovely blue lace-edged fingertip towels and the matching ceramic soap pump. Replacing these tasteful items are Hallmark’s Jolly in the John – really? My husband loves this little guy as much as he loves his Mini – and joining good ol’ Jolly is his pet reindeer, another Hallmark creation, with a roll of toilet paper decorating one of his antlers. Rounding out the tacky trio is Mr. John’s “other half”, a plastic snowwoman soap pump.

And the Toilet Seat

A purple garland adorns the shower curtain rod, and the shell toilet seat is now covered with a giant Santa face, gloved hands covering his eyes (do you blame him?). My attractive celery green with chocolate brown polka-dots bathrobe has been replaced with a latch hook creation of eight tiny reindeer, a rather unfortunate garage sale find. I turn to flee this holiday horror to find my other half nailing mistletoe above the necessary room door.

Merry Migraine!

I resume watching the previously interrupted holiday-inspired film, I take a fortifying sip of my mocha latte as my husband makes his way to the kitchen with a devilish glint in his eye, our jingle bell collared puggle Sasha in tow. My better (?) half is carrying a pair of Rudolph pot holders and a Grinch tea towel. What desecration could he be up to? Visions of plastic glitter sugar plums strung on the stove dance in my head, threatening a migraine. Did I just see our cat Prada wearing kitty-sized elf ears? Over the years my husband has acquired a plethora of kitschy Christmas items, right down to, cover your eyes, glow in the dark snowman boxer shorts, which he actually wears to bed. Does murdering a spouse still rate a life sentence?

Jolly in the John

As I said, one of his favorite pieces of seasonal décor is Hallmark’s “Jolly in the John”; normally I’m a Hallmark kind of girl: love the movies, cards, and ornaments, but I have yet to make friends with good ol’ “Jolly”. A plastic snowman holding a plunger who sings the potty song “Who’s Gotta’ Go”, and informs bathroom visitors they “look a little flush”; in my opinion, he’s gotta’ go. My spouse proudly places him atop the toilet tank, accompanied by his “snowwife”, a plastic lotion dispenser in the shape of a snowwoman, and their beloved pet, another Hallmark creation, a reindeer adorned with a roll of toilet paper on one antler. This “charming” trio has replaced my tasteful glass vase, containing vintage gold and silver Christmas balls.

A Special (Dis)appearance

Ironically, strange things have befallen Jolly – he keeps coming up missing, and stranger still, it only occurs when my hubby isn’t home. I have no idea how Jolly ended up in the bushes-apparently he must have fallen out of the window. I didn’t realize our dog could throw up the sash; lucky for us, our neighbor found him and brought him to our door. My other half then found him in the trash can-I have no idea how he got there, either. He was lovingly washed down and put back and in his place of honor, behind the throne.

Pack It In

Most recently, Jolly turned up at the local thrift store, buried in a box of old clothes I had donated. Lucky for us, that same helpful neighbor volunteers at the resale shop. My husband happened to be in there seeking out more tacky, I mean whimsical, holiday decorations, so the snowman has returned home. I guess I just have to accept that good ol’ Jolly is my husband’s way of decorating. We have certainly decked the halls with a unique bevy of holiday décor, but always in the theme of “peace on earth and goodwill toward men”; yes, Virginia, I married a man with style…

 

30 More of the Worst Gifts Ever

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30 More of the Worst Gifts Ever

 

Think before you give. Check out what not to give.

30 More Worst Gifts Ever

Editor’s Note: A small screw up in editing led to Anna’s advice being divided into two separate posts. It looks like I should have combined this submission with the one from October 25th, 2023 and called it, “The 65 Lousiest Gifts Ever.”  Anyway, here we go…

By Anna Hessel and the Editor (con’t)

  1. Flushable wipes. (Editor: Sometimes after a hospital stay you leave with a lot of useful items; spare urinals, chucks, gauze, waterless shampoo caps, and flushable wipes. Things that you would rather give away than never use. However, I suggest gifting them to your local animal shelter rather than your Aunt Tilly.)
  2. A 64-ounce bottle of extra strength mouthwash. (Editor: I agree, even the giant size bottle is inappropriate).
  3. A jock strap. (especially bad for your great aunt or grandmother…) (Editor: But what about Grampa?)
  4. Any attire with shoulder pads. (Editor: Good advice, Anna. I didn’t like shoulder pads then, and I’m no fonder of them now).
  5. A homemade pet rock. (Editor: N-o-o-ow, wait a minute, Anna. I belong to my local ‘rock’ club. We paint pictures on rocks and then leave them at different spots around the community for people to find and enjoy. I wouldn’t call any of them pets, but awesome anyway).
  6. A Rubik’s Cube (Editor: I never could figure that gizmo out, so definitely agree, it’s a very bad gift).
  7. A disco ball key chain. (Editor: A bit bizarre, but last year a friend gifted me with a cardinal (the bird) key chain, there’s a button on the bird’s back; push it and the bird tweets. Not suggesting it as a better option, but apparently, key chains are making a comeback as gifts).
  8. A professional house cleaning. (Editor: Anna, I want to tell you, I like a clean house, especially if someone else is swinging the mop. This could be a much appreciated gift; for some of us anyway).
  9. A box of leakproof trash bags. (Editor: Totally disgusting, I don’t think trash bags, leakproof or not, are ever on anyone’s wish list).
  10. A mop and bucket, fresh from the home maintenance aisle at Walmart. (Editor: I agree with Anna on this one. Definitely, in very poor taste).
  11. Disposable razors. (Editor: Yuck).
  12. 101 ways to cook kale cookbook. (Editor: Dearest Anna, Kale offers an abundance of nutrients, including potassium, fiber, folate, and calcium. Kale can reduce the risk of heart disease by helping lower LDL cholesterol, or “bad cholesterol”. Not all gifts need to be warm and fuzzy some can be useful).
  13. Fun with artificial colors cookbook. (Editor: I have nothing to say.)
  14. Anything you created at your first pottery lesson. (Editor: Excellent advice, Anna).
  15. A ‘Bedazzler’ or anything you bedazzled yourself. (Editor: I didn’t think you could still buy such a thing, but I was wrong; available on Amazon. So, take Anna’s advice and keep your bedazzling to yourself).
  16. Anything polyester. (Editor: Polyester freed women from the slavery of the ironing board, but now 50 years later women have tossed out both the iron, the ironing board, and the polyester),
  17. Refrigerator magnets in the shape of vegetables or fruit.
  18. Any experimental art.
  19. Kitty litter (especially if the recipient does not have a cat). (Editor: Uhhh. I definitely support Anna on this one. Instead, take your unused kitty litter or animal food to your local animal shelter and gift it to them this holiday season. Please support your local no kill Animal Shelter).
  20. Expired food. (Editor: Not only offensive, but likely dangerous).
  21. Insect spray (Editor: FYI, former heavyweight champion, Mohammad Ali, was believed to have caused himself severe neurological damage by constantly spraying insect killer around himself).
  22. Bat or rat plush toy or pillow.
  23. Cellulite cream. (Editor: This could be touchy; I personally, wouldn’t risk giving cellulite cream to anyone, ever).

You’ve been waiting for it- here’s the top seven political gifts, NOT to give.

  1. The Donald inaugural commemorative whiskey flask.
  2. The complete ten season box set of “The Apprentice,” (Editor: I saw one episode of that show and that was all I could stand. They actually made 10 seasons of that crap? Amazing.)
  3. Pat Robertson bubble head. (Editor: I think Pat is best left forgotten).
  4. Ron DeSantis bubble head. (Editor: A blip, a blimp, a cowboy boot wearin’ Trump wannabe).
  5. Donald Trump bubble head (oh wait, aren’t they called bobble heads?)
  6. Smelling salts (unless of course one of these bubble heads are on the air…)
  7. A Halloween costume, especially if there is a Trump mask involved.

Please remember that one of the worst possible gifts is the Donald Trump gift set: the set consists of a Trump Chia head And a Trump bubble head, because two of his heads are never better than one.

Friends, Let’s fill our hearts with love and pray for peace in Palestine.

35 of the Worst Gifts to Give

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35 of the Worst Gifts to Give Gift giving can be hard, Anna Hessel says think before you buy that Weight Watchers membership for your friend, get an Amazon gift card instead.

35 of the Worst Gifts to Give

Editor’s Note: When Anna Hessel submitted the attached post, I hemmed and hawed a bit, complaining it was “too early” to start thinking of Thanksgiving, much less Christmas. I was reminded however, that in the good ol’ USA, Christmas never ends. As proof of that sentiment, when I went to my local Walmart the other day to pick up a Halloween pumpkin for carving, and a scary doorbell howler to terrorize the Trick or Treaters, I was confronted with reality; not only does Christmas never end in  America, but neither does any other holiday. Wally World had it all; from the giant red heart pillow, left over from Valentine’s Day, to the new pink Barbie Christmas ornaments. There seems to be no apology for the outright commercialization of every holiday in our capitalist society. That is not necessarily a bad thing, just a reflection of America’s unique take on holidays. We like ’em-and the date on the calendar seems to have nothing to do with the enjoyment of the season. Whatever that season may be. So, here is Anna’s suggestions for what NOT to gift this Christmas, or any other day, accompanied by a few of my comments.

 

By Anna Hessel and the Editor

35. The infamous lump of coal. (Editor: I don’t even know where you would find a lump of coal these days. Maybe Joe Manchin could find one for us).

34. A 2023 calendar. (Editor: Totally agree. Who wants to be reminded of the past when the future is racing towards us?)

33. Air freshener, disinfectant, oven or drain cleaner.

32. Weight Watchers gift card. (Editor: Unless of course, it was requested).

31. Deep wrinkle reducing cream with a spackle knife. (Editor: This one could end long established friendships).

30. Au Natural ‘Lumberjack’ cologne just for her.

29. A Limburger cheese scented candle. (Editor:  A cheese connoisseur may feel differently).

28. Deodorant (these really stink as gifts…)

27. A set of encyclopedias. (Editor: This means they were printed before the internet. Just take a minute to digest that…it would be like reading the Archives of Alexandria).

26. Antifungal anything. (Editor: This is definitely too personal).

25. A crochet pot holder crafted at your first crochet class. (Editor: Mine is framed, proudly taking up wall space in my kitchen).

24. A place setting of “china” from the Dollar General.

23. A VHS tape collection  of  embarrassing family moments.

22. An eight track tape of Herschel and the Hillbillies.

21. Socks of any color. (Editor: On this I must protest, I’ve gotten some darn cool socks at Christmas, that I still wear. I’ve got the cute fire fighters pair and the classic cars socks, and of course, the Santa socks, and many more).

20. Purple socks and a crushed velvet Donny Osmond cap. (Editor: I don’t know about this one. I’m kind of into the feel of crushed velvet-and Donny is okay in my book, and I’ve already told you how I feel about socks as gifts-and purple is one of my favorite colors).

19. A GMO foods gift basket.

18. A tie (apologies to my husband because I already bought him one…). (Editor: here again I protest, I’ve already stashed away several awesome ones for my honey).

17. A can of Simoniz. (Editor: I totally agree on this one-unless of course, it’s accompanied with a gift certificate to my favorite auto detailer).

16. A pickleball Ken doll.

15. A pickleball lesson gift certificate. (Editor: Anna, again, I must protest. Pickleball is the “new, great thing” in my little community and I wouldn’t mind learning how to play this outrageously fun looking sport- you can give me one of those gift certificates any day).

14. Artificial flavor favorites cookbook. (Editor: I agree, an abomination).

13. Nose hair trimmer, toenail clipper, ingrown toenail file, pimple popper, earwax remover, or any other gross grooming implement. (Editor: Ohhhh dear, I gave my Dad one of those really lovely grooming kits, in a fancy leather carrying case, just a couple years ago. He said, he liked it).

12. Anything pumpkin spice (don’t be tempted by the fact that the PS stuff is now in the clearance bin…).

11. Membership to the kale of the month club.

10. Dental floss, not even the peppermint flavored variety.

9. Last year’s re-gifted fruit cake. (Editor: I definitely agree you shouldn’t wait so long to re-gift the cake. Now, I’ve heard they have a long shelf life, but I’d recommend if you really want to re-gift the fruit cake you should do it no later than Valentine’s Day).

8. A bathroom wastebasket. (Editor: I agree this is definitely a personal choice item).

7. A toilet cleaning brush with matching plunger. (Editor: Definitely hovering on disgusting).

6. Name a cockroach after your loved one certificate (suitable for framing). (Editor: However, a framed certificate of a new star named after a loved one, might be fun.)

At some point you knew this was going to turn political. Just so you aren’t disappointed, here’s a few jabs at the former guy and his crew.

5. My Pillow. (Editor: I hear Mike Lindell needs the money; that’s a good reason not to buy one).

4. An autographed mug shot of the Donald. (Editor: I cringe at the thought).

3. Trumpy Bear. (Editor: Yes, it is a real thing and I’d stay away from it, far away from it, especially if you’re an attorney).

2. A slightly used red MAGA hat.

1. A Donald Trump head-Chia Pet style-with orange foliage growing out of its several orifices. (Editor: I understand there is  limited number of the heads, due to low interest in that guy).

 

Snatching Santa

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SNATCHING SANTA

SNATCHING SANTA

The age old battle of good vs evil played out at Christmas 

By D. S. Mitchell

It was a small noise that woke Santa. Something out of place in the middle of the night. He lay in the dark, wondering if he’d imagined, or possibly dreamt the sound. Mary Claus slept by his side, her steady breathing the only sound in their darkened bedroom.

“There it was again,” he said under his breath.

This time it seemed to be at the back of the house. It was the sound of feet on gravel, a noise that wouldn’t be noticed during daylight hours, but seemed magnified by the darkness. It was close to 3:00 am. He worried that a sneak thief might be trying to break into his toy shop.

The suddenness of the event shocked him. The front and back door were simultaneously kicked in, and several men rushed through the battered doors into the house. The sound of polished boots on hardwood floors echoed down the halls. Mrs. Claus gasped as they both sat upright. Santa started to get out of bed, but the light came on before his foot hit the floor.

Two men armed with automatic weapons stood in the doorway, blocking any possible escape. The taller of the two men took in the room in a glance before lowering his eyes to the bed. He narrowed his eyes and pointed his weapon directly at Santa.

“What do you want?” Santa demanded.

“Shut up,” was his answer.

The weapon remained on its target and the tall man warmed the trigger with an agitated finger before saying, “Get dressed old man, you’re coming with us.”

Santa could see the shadows of several men moving about the house, the intruders opening closets, drawers, and doors. Mrs. Claus screamed. Santa hushed her with a hug and whispered reassurances.

“I said get your ass out of bed, Chubby.”

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60 Beauty Tips For Women Of A Certain Age

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60 Beauty Tips For Women Of A Certain Age

As Women's History Month comes to a close, Anna Hessel pokes fun at women of a certain age.

60 Beauty Tips For Women Of A Certain Age

By Anna Hessel

 

Certain Age, Turn The Page…

In honor of Women’s History Month, let’s help us beautiful women of a certain age look and feel our best with sixty ways to be fabulous in your forties, fifties, sixties, seventies, eighties, nineties, and beyond…

Ten For Zen…

  1. Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize…
  2. Choose dentists wisely – be as discerning as you would with any other doctor, and use teeth whitening products. White teeth take years off your face.
  3. Accessorize; don’t overdo it but definitely use accessories to your best advantage.
  4. Don’t ever wear stained clothes or apparel with holes or tears, unless they are supposed to be there.
  5. Wear clothes that fit and float away from the body. Don’t let frumpy become your friend. This goes double for tacky; don’t look cheap.
  6. Even if you can only afford thrift or mass merchandise store clothes, keep them clean and repaired. Check seams and button holes for the best quality you can afford.
  7. Get manicures and pedicures – chipped polish and talons are not flattering.
  8. Wear a decent bra and Spanx or the like.
  9. Avoid dangerous plastic surgery but non invasive Brazilian butt lifts, face peels, skin tightening, microdermabrasion, and micro-needling can help you look your best.
  10. Don’t smoke.

Twenty And Plenty…

  1. Bathe or shower daily.
  2. Moisturize your eye area; I have used Vaseline and eye cream for years, and it pays off.
  3. Bangs are cheaper and likely safer than Botox.
  4. Get some exercise. I love water exercise; dance, yoga – do whatever your mobility level allows.
  5. Wear whatever you like – age appropriate is what you can rock, however, don’t wear clothes with teddy bears or the like.
  6. Use a good quality neck cream, whatever you can afford, but expensive doesn’t always mean better.
  7. Try to avoid stress but if you can’t destress the best you can.
  8. Be well groomed – razors, tweezers, and waxing are your friends.
  9. Wear makeup – not too much, not too little.
  10. Smile, even if your mask hides it – your eyes show it.

Thirty And Flirty…

  1. Laugh lines mean you laugh and have joy in your life. We have earned every wrinkle.
  2. Go blonde, it gives the illusion of thickness, hides gray hairs, and adds body.
  3. Do not wear socks with sandals, or Velcro closure anything, ever.
  4. Get your rest, eat in color: fruits, veggies, lean protein, and don’t over do sugar.
  5. Don’t over indulge in alcohol but wine can be a mature woman’s friend.
  6. Search the net or magazines for hairstyles that flatter mature faces and thinner tresses. Take a photo to show your hair stylist. Avoid gels, opt for mousse. Condition but don’t over condition. Dry shampoos for bangs and the scalp area are helpful.
  7. Find a skin care regimen that works for you. Never go to bed without washing your face. Wash the makeup and day away but avoid harsh cleansers.
  8. Don’t blot your lipstick.
  9. Matte lipsticks are great under a mask but drying. Don’t forget your lip area – lip masks and balm are very important
  10. Exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate…

Forty And Fun…

  1. Eyebrows need extra care at our age: pencil, gel, henna, and tints are all options to fill in sparse brows.
  2. Mascara both top and bottom lashes; falsies are in style, go for it…
  3. A bit of fragrance adds a feminine touch.
  4. Smart is beautiful.
  5. Have fun – it will take some years off.
  6. Have faith – it shows on your face.
  7. Use heat hair styling appliances sparingly and condition, but be careful of conditioners and hair products that weigh hair down.
  8. Avoid severe hair styles and extra heavy hair spray.
  9. I had read someplace that beautiful Martha Stewart starts each day by applying a face mask. I have begun to adopt this daily routine.
  10. It’s okay to not be twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, sixty or even seventy, beauty is not a number or a size.

Fifty And Nifty…

  1. Parabens, mineral oil, and petroleum, I do avoid but admit to using petroleum jelly. Try coconut oil for a natural alternative.
  2. Avoid chemicals, preservatives, artificial flavors or colors, and processed food.
  3. Wear Betsey Johnson and Norma Kamali; at what age do we stop having fun with our clothes and accessories? Never.
  4. Be cautious and educated before trying a new beauty procedure of any kind.
  5. Tried and true microdermabrasion is a great exfoliating treatment, salon or home based – it gets rid of dead skin cells; use a firming moisturizer to follow.
  6. Products containing retinol, hyaluronic acid, and salicylic acid are helpful. A good facial with extraction will remove blackheads safely.
  7. Avoid adult acne with proper cleansing and use heavy moisturizers, especially those containing oils, in moderation. A little goes a long way.
  8. Minoxidil for women and supplements such as biotin for hair, skin, and nails are excellent for women our age, as our hair thins.
  9. Don’t sleep on your face and keep linens, especially pillowcases, very clean.
  10. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate – drink plenty of water. We filter our tap water and I love bottled water, especially Evian.

Sixty Is Sexy…

  1. Avoid saturated fats, but opt for healthy fats such as nuts, salmon and the like.
  2. Don’t experiment with new skin or hair care before a major event; this goes double for haircuts and beauty procedures.
  3. We all have an overly enthusiastic friend, family member, or colleague that sells a direct market cosmetic line that is working wonders for them, maybe we sell a line ourselves, but don’t feel obligated to buy, use what works for you. Don’t expect to look twenty again; be realistic in choosing skin care but good dermal maintenance is a must.
  4. Pets are a blessing – they help us destress and show lots of love. Show your love to an animal, it will show on your beautiful face.
  5. Maintain excellent posture – don’t slouch still holds true. Hold your tummy in, your shoulders back and down. Strut like you mean it, knee brace and all.
  6. If you can no longer wear stilettos, there are many attractive shoes out there with lower heels or flats.
  7. Make your own homemade beauty products. Find recipes online or experiment. It’s a great way to use up recently outdated fruits, yogurt, cucumbers, or the like. Coffee grinds make a great cellulite treatment but can be a bit of a mess to use.
  8. We all know what Elle Woods says about endorphins: “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy.” Sex is exercise – just saying…
  9. Live life like Elle after Warner tells her she is not smart enough for Harvard Law.
  10. “And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance…” Dancing will give you endorphins…

Ready, Set, Grow!

Go for it, beautiful woman of a certain age – you are stunning…

Women’s Day Celebrates Women

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30 Quotes Celebrating Women

March 8, International Women's Day is a day we celebrate the accomplishments of women around the world.

30 Quotes Celebrating Women:

International Women’s Day

D. S. Mitchell

March 8th marks a wartime strike in 1917, when Russian women demanded “bread and peace”. Within four days of the strike’s start, the tsar was forced to abdicate and the provisional government granted women the right to vote. That is how and why March 8 became the date we celebrate Women’s Day.

The date is recognized world wide as International Women’s Day; a day to recognize the social, economic, cultural and political achievements of women. It is also a day to raise awareness of women’s equality and lobby for accelerated gender parity. I thought it might be fun to look at some famous quotes celebrating women, so here goes, be inspired:

3o Quotes Honoring Women

1.) “Here’s to strong women: May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them.” –Unknown

2.) “To tell a woman everything she cannot do is to tell her what she can.” –Spanish Proverb

3.) “Well-behaved women rarely make history.” –Eleanor Roosevelt

4.) “The best protection any woman can have is courage.” –Elizabeth Cady Stanton

5.) “Where there is a woman, there is magic.” –Ntozake Shange

6.) “You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.” –Unknown

7.) “Women are the largest untapped reservoir of talent in the world.” –Hilary Clinton

8.) “Feminism is for everyone.”-Bell Hooks

9.) “There’s nothing a man can do that I can’t do better and in heels.” –Ginger Rogers

10.) “Above all, be the heroine of your life. Not the victim.” –Nora Ephron

11.) “Girls should never be afraid to be smart.” –Emma Watson

12.) “Life is tough, my darling, but so are you.” –Stephanie Bennett-Henry

13.) “A strong woman looks a challenge in the eye and gives it a wink.” –Gina Carey

14.) “She wasn’t looking for a knight. She was looking for a sword.” –Atticus

15.) “A strong woman stands up for herself. A stronger woman stands up for everyone else.” –Unknown

16.) “Feminism isn’t about making women strong. Women are already strong. It’s about changing the way the world perceives that strength.” –G.D. Anderson

17.) “You can always tell who the strong women are. They are the ones you see building one another up instead of tearing each other down.” –Unknown

18.) “The question isn’t who’s going to let me; it’s who’s going to stop me.” –Ayn Rand

19.) “I’m tough, I’m ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.” –Madonna

20.) “A woman is like a tea bag: You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” –Eleanor Roosevelt

21.) “A woman should be like a single flower—not a whole bouquet.” –Anna Held

22.) “I know what I bring to the table… So trust me when I say I’m not afraid to eat alone.” –Unknown

23.) “Women are the real architects of society.” –Cher

24.) “When women wake, mountains move.” Chinese Proverb

25.)  “She’s a strong cup of black coffee in a world that is drunk on the cheap wine of shallow love.” –Unknown

26.) “Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.” –Unknown

27.) “I expect woman will be the last thing civilized by man.” –George Meredith

28.) “Women are made to be loved, not understood.” –Oscar Wilde

29.) “The age of a woman doesn’t mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

30.) “In our society, the women who break down barriers are those who ignore limits” –Arnold Schwarzenegger

https://www.calamitypolitics.com/2017/03/29/quotes-on-courage/