Women of a Certain Age-The Next Generation

Women of a Certain Age-The Next Generation…

You may be a woman of a certain age if you used hair curlers

Women of a Certain Age –

The Next Generation…

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. If you ever had a man in a boat in your toilet tank…you might be a woman of a certain age.
  2. If you ever drank a Tab…
  3. If you ever wore hose from an egg…
  4. If you ever wore a $5 dollar tube top from Woolworths…
  5. If you know what was on the lunch menu at Woolworth’s Restaurant…
  6. If you ever ate lunch at Woolworth’s Restaurant…
  7. If you ever ate at a lunch counter…
  8. If you know what a lunch counter is…
  9. If you ate a chocolate Popsicle (nope, not a Fudgesicle) …
  10. If you know what stairs up, stairs down means…
  11. If your first tablet was an Etch A Sketch…
  12. If your tablet is made of paper…
  13. If you ever wore a floral maxi…
  14. If you ever owned a poodle skirt…
  15. If you ever had a tiger in your tank…
  16. If you know who had a dog named Tiger…
  17. If you can recall the Brady Bunch wedding…
  18. If you owned a Schick Love Light…
  19. If you know what a Love Light is…
  20. If you owned a turntable, eight-track, or cassette player…
  21. If you know what a turntable, eight-track, or cassette are…
  22. If creamy ever creamed, you…
  23. If you ever used an Avon Funburger…
  24. If you know what an Avon Funburger is…
  25. If you ever mixed blue eye shadow with water…
  26. If you wore blue eye shadow…
  27. If you used peach peppermint Lip Smacker…
  28. If you owned a Cinnabar Frost lip color pencil…
  29. If you owned anything Estee Lauder in an aqua turquoise case…
  30. If you used tinted Clearasil…
  31. If you wore Clinique Pore Minimizer makeup…
  32. If you carried a disposable lighter for your eye liner pencil in your purse…
  33. If you think “Zoom” is a TV show from the 70’s, not an online meeting portal…
  34. If you ever had a cream pack…
  35. If you know what a cream pack is…
  36. If you can finish this line and name that tune: “Hey, Hey…”
  37. If curlers in your hair caused you shame…
  38. If you still own curlers…
  39. If you ever drank from a garden hose and lived to tell about it…
  40. If you only think of pickle as a food, not a sport…
  41. If “who wears short shorts” is not you anymore…
  42. If you have ever been a Lustre-Crème Shampoo girl…
  43. If you think turkey neck is a soup ingredient…
  44. If you still, make turkey soup…
  45. If you move slower than a sloth…
  46. If you think Alexa and Siri are among your bridge game partners…
  47. If you still play bridge…
  48. If much of your wardrobe came from the mall and department stores, not Amazon…
  49. If you think Robert Redford is sexy…
  50. If you own white gloves that aren’t for winter…
  51. If you call your purse a pocketbook…
  52. If you can name all four of the Golden Girls…
  53. If you can remember when Hallmark was only cards…
  54. If you remember when Olay was Oil of Olay…
  55. If you ever used a rotary dial or push-button landline…
  56. If you know what a landline is…
  57. If you watched Luke and Laura’s wedding…
  58. If you remember “The Guiding Light” and Bauer burgers…
  59. If a section of your closet is dedicated to shoes you can only sit in…
  60. If you know “Shake and Bake” is not a new variation of Hot Yoga…
  61. If you husband owns a leisure suit…
  62. If you owned an original Barbie doll…
  63. If your Barbie dream house had cardboard furniture…
  64. If you can remember when Barbie was just a fashion doll, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  65. If you always realized he’s “just Ken”, you might be a woman of any age…

No Worries. Are You Kidding Me?

No Worries. Are You Kidding Me?

 

Worry is my middle name and I have good reason to be worried

No Worries. Are You Kidding Me?

By D. S. Mitchell

 

Closet Worrier

I never considered myself a worrier; however I have  probably always been a closet worrier. I was the one that would call twice to confirm a reservation and of course I made sure that we always took two of everything (just in case). Now that I’m an elder, and retired, I have found an abundant amount of time to worry and an endless supply of issues to worry about. I have thrown off my shackles and emerged into the light as an admitted worrier.

Growing Louder

What used to be occasional whispers in my busy working mind have grown louder now that I am free of the time clock. I worry about the mutating COVID virus, and do I need another booster? I worry that I forgot to rotate my tires at 5,000 miles. When did I last check the air pressure, I fret. Did I remember to send my forever best friend from high school a card on her birthday? Then there’s climate change, and the rising ocean levels, Russian aggression in the Ukraine, the rape and murder of Israelis on 10/7,  the death of 33,000 Palestinian civilians in Gaza. And we can’t forget the threat of nukes in space, the Chinese on Mars, the speeding up of the Jet Streams, an alien invasion, an AI takeover, nuclear war, and the possibility of an asteroid impact. And what about all those conspiracy theories; are they all wrong; or just partly wrong? Will we ever find Jimmy Hoffa’s bones?

Did You Hear?

Did you see that there was a massive die off of honeybees in the United States in 2023, killing over 51% of the honeybee hives. Furthermore, in case you missed it on the news, the biggest iceberg in history is now floating somewhere in the open ocean south of Australia. I have at my disposal an endless spool of worry; replaying events over-and-over in my head; each exchanging their places in turn, as I worry about each new threat.

I Love Joe

I have recently begun transferring all of these concerns to an off planet storage facility-I think its called the cloud. I want to have plenty of space in my head for election year worries. Don’t misunderstand; there isn’t a single day that goes by that Joe Biden doesn’t prove he’s a better man than Donald Trump ever thought of being. Not one day of Donald Trump’s life, has he ever thought of anyone but himself. As General John Kelly confirmed, Trump “is the most flawed person (I’ve) ever met.” Unfortunately, for the United States, Trump is once again being allowed to run for president; and with the Electoral College system he could easily win.

Not Long Ago

There was a time in the recent past when a candidate for the highest office in our land was not a criminal, a grifter, or wanna-be tyrant; that was of course before Donald Trump came on the scene. Since Trump’s  emergence as a right wing demagogue he has been setting law breaking records; amazing even those who know him best. I realize there are many in the electorate who may have forgotten the list of outrages this one man crime wave has committed. For those amnesic individuals I offer Seth Meyers.

Early to Bed, Ready to Worry

I go to bed early, so, sadly, I miss all the late night comedy shows. But, this is 21st century America and I have YouTube. A recent Seth Meyer’s monologue turned up the heat on my worr-ia-tor. Listen folks, a quick review of the recent past is reason enough to worry about what criminal tactics Trump will use to guarantee his winning the 2024 election. That’s right, folks, I truly believe Trump and his crime associates will try to once again overthrow an election. That would be two in a row. The loss of public morality is shocking and should be a worry for all of us who haven’t been drinking the Kool-Aid or who aren’t looking for a Mango Mussolini to worship.

Seth Meyers Made a List

After coming out on top as the presumptive Republican nominee for president Trump was eviscerated by Late Night host, Seth Meyers. In a near two minute opening monologue, Meyers reeled off a list of outrageous things Donald Trump has done, or has been accused of doing.  Here in Seth’s own words: “Presumptive GOP nominee for president, again, for a third time, despite the fact he is a twice-impeached, four-time criminally indicted and racist who’s been found liable for fraud and sexual abuse. Banned from doing business in the state of New York for three years. Owes over half a billion dollars in fines and judgments. Took millions from foreign governments while he was president. Tried to extort a foreign country to interfere in the 2016 election and encouraged another to help him win in 2020.”

No Stopping Him

Meyers, however, did not stop there. Trump “actively undermined our nation’s response to a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic and let a deadly disease spiral out of control. (He) is about to go on trial for breaking campaign finance laws by paying hush money to cover up an affair during the 2016 campaign. He orchestrated a months-long coup attempt that culminated in a violent insurrection to disrupt the peaceful transfer of power and install him as an unelected dictator. (Trump) stole classified documents and obstructed attempts to get them back. (The man) has never won the popular vote and has been routinely rejected by a majority of Americans in election after election.”

There’s More?

At this point you may think Meyers had covered it all, but that’s when he reminds us of many other bizarre Trump moments. Meyers called Trump “the single weirdest, most off-putting human being on the face of the f****** planet. Trump spews deranged conspiracy theories about everything from climate change to immigration, from vaccines to windmills. Stumbles on three syllable words, two-syllable words and one-syllable words, cheats at golf, calls our dead soldiers suckers and losers, forgets who he’s running against.” At this point, Seth brings up a screen in the studio displaying  examples of Trump’s spelling errors.  “(He) can’t spell his own name, his wife’s name (or even remember it), the words “indicted,” “education,” “unprecedented,” stolen,” “Denmark,” “Kentucky” or “tap,” all spelled wrong, and many more.

Gamer Vocabulary

Myer’s summed up Trump in the following manner, “I’m sorry, but this guy is not a real person, he’s a glitching, (stumbling) NPC from a video game,” Meyers declared. **For the non-gamers out there; Seth’s reference to “NPC” (“Non-Player Character”) is used by him as a metaphor to describe someone he perceives as lacking independent thought.

 

Its Disgusting and Shocking

I worry that any group of people that would support a criminal and insurrectionist as their presidential candidate are likely to break any and all laws to get him back into the White House. Perhaps even “terminate the Constitution.” Bad actors, like Iran, Russia, China, and North Korea are lining up to run misinformation campaigns against Biden and the Dems. Sounds like criminals and thugs sticking together. The fact that the Republican Party is willing to hand over power to a man of  such obvious low character as Donald Trump is both outrageous, and demoralizing. Make no mistake the GOP will be running a ‘dictator for life’ candidate not a presidential candidate.

****

If you want to see the original Seth Meyers rant go to YouTube and put in Trump crimes-Seth Meyers on the search bar and you can watch Seth eviscerate Trump in a two minute rant. Everything he says is alarming and we should all be worried as hell.

A Trunk of Trump Junk

A Trunk of Trump Junk…

Donald Trump seems to have an endless number of items he likes to attach his name to. Here are a few parody samples

A Trunk of Trump Junk

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel and Wes 

China Sin-drone

Until Donald Trump no other presidential candidate or former “head” of state has ever hawked made-in-China, dime store quality, over priced rubbish.  For starters, we’ve got the Trumpy Bear, the MAGA hat, a Chia pet, and My Pillow. On this next one my dog would lift his leg: the ugliest gold high top never surrender sneakers ever created. I’m surprised there is no fake vomit or whoopee cushions in this collection of no-class trash. For those who missed it on The View, Rita Moreno made us all smile when she described a Trump sandwich, seen on a menu at a New York City deli: two slices of white bread (presumably all crust and likely stale), full of baloney, with a very small pickle; darn, it ruins gherkins for me. In case, Trump needs some ideas for a new grift product; I’ve come up with at least 36 ideas for Trump merchandise (with a smidge of input from the spouse…)

36 Ideas For Trump Merchandise

  1. A Trump mug shot, with double bonus autographed photos of Kid Rock and Roseanne Barr.
  2. MAGA hair tonic – turns hair neon orange while destroying any remaining brain cells Trumpsters might have.
  3. Putin’s Puppet – Trump on a string.
  4. Melania Botox in a box – you too can look like a washed up plastic Hustler centerfold.
  5. Melania Barbie – NOPE. NO WAY, NO HOW. (after all, Mattel has excellent taste – they brought us the Barbie movie-and decades of fantastic characters (toys).
  6. Grumpy Trumpy doll – voodoo perhaps…
  7. The Donald Disinfectant spray for when you grab ’em by the p—-.
  8. Big Mac erasers – I was just wondering if we could erase his face?
  9. American History for Dummies book.
  10. Trump motion lotion – just ewwwwww…
  11. Box set of The Apprentice on VHS.
  12. Trump toupee – it speaks for itself, complimentary mango orange tan cream included.
  13. Robe and slippers from Trump Hotel – likely made by child labor…per Melania’s instructions.
  14. Trump face dart board – now this I would buy; bullseye!
  15. “Steal the Election Game” – because it never happened in real life.
  16. Recording of “Fail to the Chief” – this should include a bonus track of the late Helen Reddy’s “Ain’t no Way to Treat a Lady” and “I am Woman” (hear me roar…)
  17. Revolutionary War-era airport parking permit.
  18. Trump kitty litter – because he is full of it.
  19. Trump Bobble-head toilet bowl brush – enough said…
  20. Trump toilet paper – maybe not, don’t want it touching my rear end.
  21. Trump deodorant – because he stinks.
  22. Poster of all American Presidents photos with a question mark in 45’s slot.
  23. Trump Troll doll.
  24. Trumpy election flask – because you have to be drunk to vote for him.
  25. Trump orange suit – for that matchy, matchy look…I understand there are matching sandals.
  26. Trump-monopoly – go straight to jail, do not pass go.
  27. Trump hemorrhoid cream – because, some have said, he is a significant pain in the rump.
  28. Humpty Trumpty puzzle – sat on a wall, had a great fall, and all the king’s men would not put him back together again (my spouse commented that this isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and he wouldn’t shell out for it).
  29. Interchangeable photo cube – choose the faith of the book he carries upside down, outside of a house of worship he never attends.
  30. Well, there is no way we can produce a Trump pet rock because his followers would throw them at the Capitol building.
  31. MAGA mixed nuts gift pack.
  32. An inflatable life-size Trumpy – pull his string and the government shuts down.
  33. This year instead of a Vote for Trump yard sign-go all in with his new twelve foot tall inflatable Trump balloon; great for your front yard.
  34. Trump’s Chumps T-shirt (my husband came up with this one).
  35. Melania ball and chain silver plated jewelry set.
  36. President Biden doll pushing a dumpster containing all this garbage…

 

 

Animal Witticisms

Animal Witticisms

Some of the funnies road signs can be found at veterinary offices.

Animal Witticisms

Editor: Alexis de Tocqueville came to America from France in 1831. He was a young, wealthy, aristocrat, budding writer, social observer, and philosopher. He went on to author one of the most definitive studies of America and her people ever written, “Democracy in America.” While touring the young country, he noted numerous uniquely American traits; two carry-overs from those long ago times were, the “intent self-interest” of the average American, and secondly, that Americans are “not a happy lot.” Well, that reassures me; nothing much has changed in the last nearly 200 years. Americans do however, have witty road signs to change that scowl to a smile. Here we go:

 

By D.S. Mitchell

Silly Road Signs

  1. Holly Ridge Veterinary Hospital: I used a spot remover on my dog . . . .  He disappeared.
  2. Highland Road Animal Hospital: My alarm doesn’t have a snooze button . . . .  It has paws.
  3. Grants Pass Vet Clinic: Someone made a joke about my three-legged cat . . . .  Major faux paw.
  4. Washoe County Veterinary Services: Against animal testing. They get nervous and mark all the answers wrong!
  5. Portland Veterinary Clinic: Q: What animal has more lives than a cat?  A: Frogs, they croak every night!
  6. St. Joe’s Veterinary Hospital: Free belly rubs with each exam . . . . Sorry, pets only!
  7. Carroll County Veterinary Clinic: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to see it . . . you can bet a chihuahua 500 miles away will bark at it.
  8. Seaside Animal Clinic: Our dog swallowed a bag of scrabble tiles . . . . the vet is checking him out, no word yet!
  9. Sandy Animal Clinic: Why was the cat sitting on the computer? . . . .  To keep an eye on the mouse!
  10. Warrenton Veterinary Hospital: For a man to truly understand rejection . . . . he must first own a cat.
  11. Astoria Paw and Claws: Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle? . . . .Too many cheetahs.

Well folks, enough of that shit. Have a great day. Be glad you’re an American. We may have our problems, but we’ve got the veterinarians to keep us smiling.

Black History Month May Be Over, But Black History Never Is . . .

Black History Month May Be Over, But Black History Never Is…

Black History Month celebrates the contribution of black citizens to world culture

Black History Month May Be Over, But Black History Never Is…

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

A Dark Past and Present

We celebrate Black History, annually each February. During the month we reflect, appreciate, and acknowledge people of color and their rich history. In 2023 the Black History theme was “Black Resistance,” focusing on the struggle African Americans have endured, both in the past and continuing today. Oppression, injustice, repression, racism, exploitation, suppression, maltreatment, and disadvantage are still shockingly present in today’s society. White privilege is regretfully, appallingly alive within the ultra-conservative community. We may have moved passed black performers using different hotels, restaurants, and restrooms during artistic tours but a startling number of atrocities still continue to occur.

Art for Artists Sake

The 2024 Black History Month theme was “African Americans and the Arts. This year’s theme was a different vibe than previous years but the message was equally important – we need to value the arts and encourage these great artists to thrive. The focus this year has been the celebration of the incredible black artists that have enriched our lives over the years through classic performances on the stage, screen, radio, television, music and concert. Dramatic and creative professionals in the spotlight and the many more working hard behind the scenes compose the vast number of Black artists we salute. We make every effort to not just celebrate those in the mainstream of culture but the large number of less well known but equally talented individuals that comprise this community. Black History month may be coming to a close for another year but African history in the arts lives on.

Black Makes Beauty

2024 was also the 18th year of the UNI African American Read-In. The Read-In was once again a significant part of  Black History Month activities. To broaden participation many activities occurred on line for students. Theaters, schools, and libraries across the country held special events to honor Black artists and artisans during the month by reading aloud of many of the great books, plays, and poems of black artists.

Life Ain’t Over Yet

Celebration of Black history should be 365 days a year, not just one month. Respect and equality, not just in the arts but in all areas of life. Housing discrimination still exists,  mortgage and rental applications being denied disproportionately, and higher interest rates in African American communities, as do food deserts, with grocery stores that offer fresh, healthy choices avoiding opening or continuing operations in communities of color.

Dreamers

Activists such Dr. Martin Luther King. Jr. and John Lewis fought decades ago for civil rights that are still being denied today. Black pioneers in the arts, such as Nina Simone (whose birthday is appropriately February 21st ), Maurice White, Josephine Baker, and Mahalia Jackson (to name just a few) were very instrumental in paving the way for future artists to be treated with dignity. As Dr. King said in his “I Have a Dream” speech, “With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood.”  And Mahalia Jackson sang, “If I can help somebody, as I travel along; if I can help somebody, with a word or song…” – she broke significant ground for the African-American musicians who followed.

Labor On

2025’s Black History Month theme, will be “African Americans and Labor,” celebrating, recognizing, and highlighting the very compelling impact of Black workers on American society.  We need to draw attention to their productivity with the broadest outlook, providing versatility and intuitiveness, a vision of Black culture throughout the ages.

Woo and Small Talk Can Improve Your Life

Brief, pleasant exchanges with people will enhance your mood and elevate your sense of well-being

How Woo and Small Talk Can Improve Your Life

“There are no strangers here, only friends I haven’t met yet.” WB Yeats

By D.S. Mitchell

I Have a Friend

My friend Dave was blessed with an abundance of WOO. People endowed with WOO enjoy the process of connecting with new people, and in turn helping people connect with one another. WOO is an acronym for Winning Others Over. My friend gets all happy faced when he meets someone new and makes a connection with them.  He loves the challenge of breaking the ice and starting a conversation with anybody, anywhere, at seemingly any time; whether its the guy next to us at the ball game or the plumber fixing our clogged drain. Dave needs to make that human connection. I, on the other hand, am not so inclined, but after 40 years of friendship, Dave has taught me a few things about meeting new people and actually enjoying the benefits of small talk.

Not So Social

Don’t get me wrong; I’m definitely not shy, but I am an only child, raised by older parents; and sometimes considered “quiet.” I tend to hold back, getting a measure  or ‘feel’ of the situation; waiting for someone else to initiate the conversation. As I have learned from Dave, that is unacceptable in the world of WOO. In fact, it’s taken time, but Dave has proven to me over and over again; that a brief conversation with someone unknown to me or barely known to me, can boost my energy level, enhance my mood, and keep me smiling for hours. Small talk, he swears  contributes to a sense of community-a sense of belonging, a sense of well-being, and most importantly it gives us a sense of connection to the world around us-it proves we are alive and functioning.

Maximizing the Benefits

“People like you a lot more than you think they do,” Dave tells me.  “Maybe so, maybe not,” I say with a pout. “Keep talking,” being his primary advice, “talk to anybody within the sound of your voice,” he laughs. “We all have that little negative voice in our head, telling us to hide in the corner, but don’t do it! You’ve got WOO just decide to use it,” he encourages me.

Ahead of the Scientists

As it turns out, Dave may be way ahead of the science. I have read, only recently, that conversing with a wide variety of people as often as you can will maximize your happiness. Really? How so, I ask. According to recent studies, scientists have learned that chatting with co-workers, the barista at Starbucks, the Uber driver, a fellow dog walker, the person ahead of you at the pharmacy, can maximize those benefits of improved mood, and zest for life, I mentioned earlier.

Brevity Embraced

The word is out, there is a hell of a lot of benefit from multiple brief conversations during the day. Stopping to tell your neighbor about your poor tomato crop, or bringing up last night’s Trailblazer game with your mail carrier can, according to new theory, be part of what makes us thrive. Those seemingly insignificant daily encounters apparently provide important psychological and physical benefits. So, it sounds pretty easy, no long night deep dives into our psyche with our best bud, but rather multiple daily interactions of reaching out and sharing tiny moments of human contact is basic to human happiness.

Small Talk

David loves the challenge of meeting new people and has devised numerous devices to initiate small talk. I truly believe he  could walk into any gathering and feel at ease engaging with anyone in the crowd whether that’s Joe Biden or the college kid down the street. He just knows what to do or say, and he brings a visible energy to his interactions. He’s a practitioner of the old adage, “There are no strangers, only friends I haven’t met yet.” (William Butler Yeats)

Lessons He’s Taught Me

Lesson #1 You’re circling the punch bowl at your neighbor’s 25th anniversary party and you spot someone you want to engage with. The fact that you are both at the party gives you obvious background  information. So you might ask your target, “Are you friend or family?” Or, “How do you know the happy couple?” “I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Dar.”

Lesson #2 If you notice someone wearing a gorgeous outfit or a striking piece of jewelry tell them how much you like the item. Don’t be surprised if your compliment elicits the story of how they came into possession of said item(s). People love talking to people that approve of them in some way.

Lesson #3 Conversational land mines are everywhere so stay away from the big 4; religion, politics, work, and relationship status. Imagine yourself at a college mixer, try something like, “What do you do for fun when you’re not studying?”

Lesson #4 Don’t short change people conversationally. If someone asks how its going, don’t limit your response to one or two words, but instead give them a thread, that if they want to continue to chat, they have some material to work with. You might say, “I’m doing great. I’m volunteering at Habitat for Humanity and it just gives me an awesome sense of pride. Every day I wake up invigorated. How about you?”

Lesson #5 Sometimes, the conversation simply dries up, but exiting the conversation with grace may seem more difficult than it truly is. The best escape technique, according to Dave, is to introduce the person you’ve been speaking with to someone new, and then excuse yourself, “to find our hostess.”

Conclusion

You don’t need to fully embrace Woo to benefit from many of its practices. Brief, pleasant exchanges with people you don’t know or barely know can enhance happiness, mood, energy, and overall satisfaction with life.  A willingness to meet new people (no matter how briefly) and engage in some small conversation is guaranteed to improve both your physical and mental health. So, go ahead, I give you permission to initiate a conversation in the check out line at Walmart. As an older adult female I suggest that you initiate conversations with women with small dogs or small children. I’m not suggesting anything other than you don’t want to give a strange guy the wrong idea. Other than that grandmotherly caution; socialize away.

You Might Just Be a Woman of a Certain Age

You Might Just Be a Woman of a Certain Age – Again…

If you remember seeing this baby new, you are a woman of a certain age

You Might Just Be a Women of a Certain Age – Again…

Editor: Our society loves giving descriptive monikers to the various generational age groups. The beginning of the 20th century gave us the Greatest Generation (1901-1924), and the Silent Generation (1925-1945). most representatives of these two age cohorts have now passed. Currently, the largest age group in the United States are the Baby Boomers; Boomers I (born between 1946-1954) and Boomers 2, sometimes known as ‘Generation Jones’ (born between 1955-1964). After the boomers came the Gen X’ers (born between 1965-1979), the Millennials (born between 1980-1994), Generation Z (born between 1995-2010), and finally Generation Alpha (born between 2010 and 2025). Every generation has its unique memories, see if any of Cate’s memories trigger a smile.  

By Cate Rees-Hessel

  1. If you have ever had a Lilt home permanent…you might be a woman of a certain age.
  2. If you used Bonnie Bell Ten-O-Six lotion as a teenager…
  3. If you know what Ten-O-Six lotion actually is…
  4. If you have spun the bottle…
  5. If you know why the bottle spins…
  6. If you played post office at a party, long before DeJoy played with the post office…
  7. If you used a clothes iron on your hair and still have hair…
  8. If you ever Naired for short shorts…
  9. If you wore double belts, shoulder pads, or cloisonné earrings…
  10. If you still rock big hair and tweeze your eyebrows…
  11. If you have had a half moon or glass manicure…
  12. If you know what a half moon or glass manicure is…
  13. If you remember Perry Mason’s first case…
  14. If you played the game “Dream Date” and got the dud…
  15. If you think Patrick Stuart is sexy…
  16. If you think Eric Estrada is sexy…
  17. If you think Rick Springfield is sexy…
  18. 18. If you think President Biden is sexy…
  19. If your workout routine involved a shaker weight or a ThighMaster (RIP Suzanne Summers)…
  20. If you owned a Fonzie pillowcase…
  21. If you know who the Fonz is…
  22. If you know who the Bay City Rollers were…
  23. If you have put a tiger in your tank…
  24. If you know what TV show had a dog named Tiger…
  25. If you know who Sam the butcher was…
  26. If you watched the pilot for Murder She Wrote when it first aired…
  27. If your Velcro rollers got stuck in your Dippity-do hair style…
  28. If you own multiple sets of hot rollers…
  29. If you own pink sponge curlers…
  30. If you know what curlers are…
  31. If Lady Clairol is an old friend…
  32. If you ever used Freeze hairspray but now use Biofreeze…
  33. If you know the lyrics to the song that starts out “There She Is”…
  34. If you know who Bert Parks was…
  35. If you gave it a ten because you could dance to it…
  36. If you still have a tube of Great Lash mascara in your purse…
  37. If you knew Morris the cat when he was a kitten…
  38. If you refer to fat-free milk as skim milk…
  39. If you refer to Spanx as a girdle…
  40. If you refer to your bra as a brassière…
  41. If your sports car wore a bra…
  42. If your first car was T-bird…
  43. If you had “fun, fun, fun” until your daddy took it away…
  44. If you take a Jell-O mold to every potluck you attend…
  45. If you took home economics in high school…Home what you ask?
  46. If your high school high score earned you a Betty Crocker pin…
  47. If you ever received a Betty Crocker Home Legion pin for your distinguished service in homemaking…
  48. If you know Tickle deodorant came in citrus, herbal, floral and unscented…
  49. If you used Tickle unscented so it didn’t clash with your strawberry perfume…
  50. If you used Tickle unscented because it clashed with your sweet Honesty perfume…
  51. If you knew Connie Sellecca was the official spokesperson for Tickle deodorant…
  52. If you’re tickled pink at my mention of Tickle deodorant…
  53. If you refer to sex as a pickle tickle…
  54. If you don’t understand why it’s called pickle ball…
  55. If you refer to blush as rouge…
  56. If you own a teasing comb…
  57. If you ever ratted your hair…
  58. If you know where Gidget went…
  59. If you ever watched the Mike Douglas show and knew who his co-hosts were…

If 59 is your actual age, or you’re in the neighborhood, you are a woman of a certain age…

Food For Thought-The Valentine’s Edition

Food for Thought – the Valentine’s Edition

 

Food for Thought-the Valentine’s Edition

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

I (Heart) Ketchup

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! Most of us are seeing all things red and, of course, pink. All this thought of red makes me think about my favorite condiment: ketchup (NOT catsup). My other half was quite upset when I put ketchup on his white truffle fries. Since I originally hail from the Steel City, the home of Heinz, I put ketchup on just about everything. You can take the girl out of Pittsburgh, but you can’t take the Pittsburgh out of the girl. I love many brands but good ol’ Heinz is my favorite.

Seeing Red

My spouse is from the Chicago suburbs, and didn’t understand ketchup on eggs, steak, potatoes, beef, pork, etc. – things we don’t eat much of but when we do, requires the red stuff. In the nearly three decades I’ve lived in Chicagoland, I have yet to understand Chicago hot dogs: bright green relish and, gasp, no ketchup. I’ve been known to sneak a few contraband packets into Gene and Jude’s. I recall a barbeque at the home of my husband’s relatives. I searched for my favorite elixir and then I saw it, nestled amongst the questionable condiments, turned a paltry brown with age. I was forced to use barbeque sauce on my burger; now, I’m not bashing BBQ sauce – it’s great on chicken and ribs – but for a burger or a hot dog, I love me some Heinz.

And Again…

Another cookout some months later at the same household brought forth the same ancient bottle of antiquated ketchup. As I reached for the steak sauce, I made a mental note to decline further invitations to dine at the house of these folks. Perhaps a nice Heinz gift basket with a double-volume set on entertaining etiquette and food safety would make a lovely Christmas gift for the residents of that domicile. At least there was nothing pumpkin spice served, but how I longed for ketchup, vibrant red, sweet and spicy like me.

It’s No Truffle, Really

In my opinion, truffles should be chocolate, but for V-Day, must we “trufflize”?  Nobody knows the truffles I’ve seen while researching to write this: salted caramel truffles, dark chocolate ganache truffles, lavender chocolate truffles, fudgy brownie truffles, applesauce truffles, cookie dough truffles, strawberry shortcake truffles, cake batter truffles, S’mores truffles, pink champagne truffles (I’ll take one of those), huckleberry jelly truffles, buttercream frosting truffles, French vanilla bean truffles, green gumdrop truffles, salted mango truffles, lemon/lime truffles, Tamarind truffles, rum raisin truffles, hollandaise truffles, cherry cola truffles, banana split truffles, blueberry cheesecake truffles, pecan pie truffles, chocolate milkshake truffles, tangerine truffles, green tea truffles, passionfruit truffles, orange Jello truffles, peanut butter and jelly truffles, rhubarb truffles, jelly bean truffles, mocha latte truffles (I’ll have two of those), the dreaded pumpkin spice truffles, and just in time for your Valentine, Love Bug truffles.  I ask you, what happened to Whitman’s Sampler, or the Hershey’s Pot of Gold?

All That Glitters

As long as my chocolate confections come with a little something sparkly, I’m happy.  My husband is big on placing jewelry in food. – nothing says romance like a cracked molar and expensive dental work.  I am a simple kind of girl – give me some plain ol’ chocolates in a velvet heart-shaped box with a big ribbon and an even bigger diamond, then I am content.  This year, however, we are dressing up and going to a fancy restaurant for truffle oil pasta and mushrooms, poached salmon with white truffles, and black truffle risotto, because we got style…