A Trunk of Trump Junk…
A Trunk of Trump Junk
By Cate Rees-Hessel and Wes
China Sin-drone
Until Donald Trump no other presidential candidate or former “head” of state has ever hawked made-in-China, dime store quality, over priced rubbish. For starters, we’ve got the Trumpy Bear, the MAGA hat, a Chia pet, and My Pillow. On this next one my dog would lift his leg: the ugliest gold high top never surrender sneakers ever created. I’m surprised there is no fake vomit or whoopee cushions in this collection of no-class trash. For those who missed it on The View, Rita Moreno made us all smile when she described a Trump sandwich, seen on a menu at a New York City deli: two slices of white bread (presumably all crust and likely stale), full of baloney, with a very small pickle; darn, it ruins gherkins for me. In case, Trump needs some ideas for a new grift product; I’ve come up with at least 36 ideas for Trump merchandise (with a smidge of input from the spouse…)
36 Ideas For Trump Merchandise
- A Trump mug shot, with double bonus autographed photos of Kid Rock and Roseanne Barr.
- MAGA hair tonic – turns hair neon orange while destroying any remaining brain cells Trumpsters might have.
- Putin’s Puppet – Trump on a string.
- Melania Botox in a box – you too can look like a washed up plastic Hustler centerfold.
- Melania Barbie – NOPE. NO WAY, NO HOW. (after all, Mattel has excellent taste – they brought us the Barbie movie-and decades of fantastic characters (toys).
- Grumpy Trumpy doll – voodoo perhaps…
- The Donald Disinfectant spray for when you grab ’em by the p—-.
- Big Mac erasers – I was just wondering if we could erase his face?
- American History for Dummies book.
- Trump motion lotion – just ewwwwww…
- Box set of The Apprentice on VHS.
- Trump toupee – it speaks for itself, complimentary mango orange tan cream included.
- Robe and slippers from Trump Hotel – likely made by child labor…per Melania’s instructions.
- Trump face dart board – now this I would buy; bullseye!
- “Steal the Election Game” – because it never happened in real life.
- Recording of “Fail to the Chief” – this should include a bonus track of the late Helen Reddy’s “Ain’t no Way to Treat a Lady” and “I am Woman” (hear me roar…)
- Revolutionary War-era airport parking permit.
- Trump kitty litter – because he is full of it.
- Trump Bobble-head toilet bowl brush – enough said…
- Trump toilet paper – maybe not, don’t want it touching my rear end.
- Trump deodorant – because he stinks.
- Poster of all American Presidents photos with a question mark in 45’s slot.
- Trump Troll doll.
- Trumpy election flask – because you have to be drunk to vote for him.
- Trump orange suit – for that matchy, matchy look…I understand there are matching sandals.
- Trump-monopoly – go straight to jail, do not pass go.
- Trump hemorrhoid cream – because, some have said, he is a significant pain in the rump.
- Humpty Trumpty puzzle – sat on a wall, had a great fall, and all the king’s men would not put him back together again (my spouse commented that this isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and he wouldn’t shell out for it).
- Interchangeable photo cube – choose the faith of the book he carries upside down, outside of a house of worship he never attends.
- Well, there is no way we can produce a Trump pet rock because his followers would throw them at the Capitol building.
- MAGA mixed nuts gift pack.
- An inflatable life-size Trumpy – pull his string and the government shuts down.
- This year instead of a Vote for Trump yard sign-go all in with his new twelve foot tall inflatable Trump balloon; great for your front yard.
- Trump’s Chumps T-shirt (my husband came up with this one).
- Melania ball and chain silver plated jewelry set.
- President Biden doll pushing a dumpster containing all this garbage…
