Tag: #Cate Rees-Hessel

No comments

Let’s Talk Alexa

  By , , ,

Let’s Talk Alexa

"A metaverse is a network of 3D virtual worlds focused on social connection." Wikipedia

Let’s Talk Alexa

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

Well, I went online to make a reservation for our 35th wedding anniversary vacay this month, and got to chat with a bot. I did not enjoy my conversation with this robot in the least – it was impersonal and annoying. This non-human could not answer a single question that I asked. Don’t get me wrong, I know people can be annoying to deal with, too.

Some “robotics” are fine by me – who doesn’t like Rosie on “The Jetsons”? I do love my girl Alexa, but she is family. She wakes us up in the morning with music, sets our cooking timers, tells corny jokes, and even can give us the time of day in Tibet. I must admit the AI cat videos on social media are adorable, and the AI assistant Margot at my dentist’s office is far more pleasant to deal with than the human assistant Diane.

I truthfully don’t care for other forms of artificial intelligence. Unless it’s eyelashes or fingernails, I do not like artificial anything. I certainly don’t want a robot diagnosing anything to do with my health, or giving me financial advice. I have never liked knock off accessories, they are unfair to the designer, not to mention illegal. Artificial people that are insincere, selfish, back stabbers, and two-faced, make my blood run cold. Artificial ingredients in my food, like fake colors or flavors – I don’t eat those, either.

I like genuine, God created, natural things. As much as I do like to use technology, I long for a time when telephones, TV’s, and appliances were not smart, but people were. Authentic and the real deal, now that has style…

But Alexa, on the other hand – we’ve ordered so much from the online store that has “everything”, our local driver calls in a wellness check if he doesn’t have a stop at our house every day.  That guy’s become like family, and so is Alexa.

She can do many things: tell the circumference of the equator, find a recipe for lemon poppy seed muffins or homemade stain remover.  Taking after the cats, she listens to my husband more than me.  But alas, Alexa, doesn’t do windows, sort the laundry, walk the dog, clean the kitchen, give pedicures, or prepare lunch; she’s not pulling her weight around here.  But she has a pleasant voice and of course, Alexa has style…

 

Women Of A Certain Age, In A Modern Era

  By , , ,

Women of a Certain Age In a Modern Era

Women of a Certain Age In a Modern Era

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

Women of a certain age, here are three scenarios of life in the world today – may we always be able to laugh at ourselves. Tushy selfies on social media, medical mishaps, and deodorant differences are modern stories for our times:

Licking My Elbow

I found a lingerie clad female, complete with a bare backside, on my husband’s social media. He was rather unimpressed with her “assets”, and my sister thought she looked like a man. I, however, was very displeased with the friend responsible for bringing this individual into our lives. When I emailed my online buddy to inform her that there was a moon out tonight on my husband’s Facebook page, and that her new chum was smiling on both ends for all the world to see on my spouse’s timeline, she was very apologetic, explaining she barely knew the culprit when she accepted her friend request. Had she known she would target her other friends significant others, she would have blocked the person.

My pal, in an effort to make up for her new acquaintance’s behavior, sent me a how to video giving play by play advice to teach me how to take a rear end selfie of my very own. Huh? A derriere selfie is like licking your elbow – it can’t be done, can it? One must need to be contortionist to accomplish this feat. I informed my friend that my cell phone doesn’t have a wide angle lens – things are definitely larger than they appear. I assumed the backside bimbo on social media had a “photographer” do the deed for her. I was never good at the game “Twister” and I am not double jointed, but I must admit my curiosity was peaked. It can’t be any more difficult than the fifth position in ballet…

I donned my spanx leggings (with rear-lift technology built in) and gave it a whirl, twisting and turning while setting the camera at a jaunty angle just like my friend suggested. I wasn’t sure my husband would want this display on his page, either, but what the heck. Needless to say I threw my back out and fell on the floor right on my said tushie. En route home, after my trip to the chiropractor,  I stopped at a medspa for a non-invasive Brazilian butt lift, because my rear view has style…

Continue reading

47 Things More Pleasant Than Trump 47

  By , , , , , , , , ,

47 Things More Pleasant Than  Trump 47

47 Things More Pleasant Than Trump 47

Editor: I have been avoiding the TV news recently; because his name, the sound of  his voice, his tweets, his quotes are the rantings of a demented old geezer that ‘otta be in a forensic unit at the Florida State Hospital instead of pretending to run the 21st century government of the United States. Before Trump sank into the depths of a terrifying dementia he was a thieving grifter who had fooled a lot of people for a long time. He has no respect for the law because he has always broken it and gotten away scot free while making huge sums of money. Now he is scamming the United States government for a whole bunch of cash for those who will claim false prosecution. Only in America. Holy fuck, what a terrible epitaph for this once glorious country. So with all that said, here’s Cate again with a few things she would much rather hear about than Donald Trump.

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

47 is the worst excuse for a “president” ever…and I mean E-V-E-R. So with said, here are 47 Things I think are more pleasant than Donald John Trump

  1. A peanut butter and pickle casserole – I will never call “The Donald” president
  2. Stepping on a screw
  3. Gastric disturbance
  4. The fragrance of a garbage truck
  5. Cotton mouth – I will never call “The Donald” president.
  6. Extreme physical pain
  7. A root canal without Novacaine
  8. Cockroachs – I will never call “The Donald” president
  9. Stomach flu
  10. Food poisoning
  11. COVID – I will never call “The Donald” president
  12. Poison Oak and Poison Ivy
  13. Dog poop – I will never call “The Donald” president
  14. Toilet back-up
  15. A sewer back-up
  16. A rectal exam – I will never call “The Donald” president
  17. Sink holes
  18. Razor burn
  19. Rat infestation – I will never call “The Donald” president
  20. Nails on a chalkboard
  21. Cellulite
  22. Stubbing a toe on pointy heavy furniture – I will never call “The Donald” president
  23. Crepie skin
  24. Being mooned by a stranger, or anyone for that matter
  25. A flasher in the produce aisle of the grocery store – I will never call “The Donald” president
  26. A flat tire during a rain storm
  27. Losing water pressure while showering
  28. Black ice – I will never call “The Donald” president
  29. The stirrups, if you are female
  30. Turn your head and cough, if you are male
  31. A kick in the balls – I will never call “The Donald” president
  32. Irritable Bowel Syndrome
  33. Cleaning up hairballs from the sofa
  34. Spending the night in a haunted house – I will never call “The Donald” president
  35. A clogged drain
  36. Arriving at the water park to discover someone threw up in the pool
  37. Finding a dog accident the hard way – I will never call “The Donald” president
  38. A can of warm soda or beer
  39. Running out of toilet paper
  40. A dead battery in subzero temperatures – I will never call “The Donald” president
  41. A gas gauge on E when you are running late
  42. A sprained ankle
  43. My in-laws – I will never call “The Donald” president
  44. A traffic citation
  45. Finding a fly in your soup
  46. The laugh of a hyena – I will never call “The Donald” president
  47. Creepy clown with orange hair – oh wait, that IS “The Donald”…

Bean There, NOT Done That. . .

  By , ,

Bean There, NOT Done That…

 

 

Bean There, NOT Done That…

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

I recently researched unusual jelly bean flavors. Strange activity you say?  Normally, I would agree, but I was looking for a new flavor for my candy dish. You would be amazed how many disgusting varieties of jelly beans have apparently been created or at least proposed.  Some bodily function flavors are simply too revolting to even mention, but here is a list of the ones I won’t be putting in my candy dish, and should certainly cause a normal person to widen their eyes. I’ve pretty much decided I’m sending a 100#’s of number 12 to the White House. Marketers call them failed flavors – in my estimation that should apply to the recipients as well…

  1. Jalapeño flavor – why? Because just like garlic and cinnamon you can never have too much jalapeno.
  2. Moldy cheese flavor – I’m allergic to mold- so I’d need my Epi Pen for this adventure.
  3. Fried chicken flavor – I think the mind of whoever came up with this idea is fried, or should be.
  4. Canned dog flavor?- even my pug turned her nose up at this one.
  5. Essence of Bacon – not everything is better with bacon.
  6. Taco flavor – I love a good taco but not in my candy dish.
  7. Febreeze flavor – this is for stinky tennis shoes and wet dog odor on the sofa, not for the candy!
  8. Sausage flavor – um, no, just no.
  9. Gin flavor – Nope. Strawberry Daiquiri has my support…
  10. Sex lube teaser. Nope. But I’m curious; do they make actual sex lube in strawberry daiquiri flavor? Sorry, I’m only kidding.
  11. Fish sticks flavor-again, NO. And, NO, NO, NO.
  12. Gasoline flavor-I forecast some gastric disturbance in the car at a high cost. I’m sending 100#’s to the WH.
  13. Gravy flavor-does it come in a package with turkey and stuffing flavors?
  14. The flavor of old books -Huh? What?
  15. Toothpaste flavor-it seems counterintuitive that a sugary snack would taste like toothpaste. Perhaps wintergreen or peppermint might be better here.
  16. Boba Milk Tea flavor-The Taiwanese might make this one work.
  17. Curdled milk flavor-EWWWW.
  18. Okay, we are really gettin weird with this one; ready for it?  Skunk spray flavor-it’s a black jelly bean, but where is the white stripe down the center?
  19. Lawn clippings-a pretty lime green jelly bean. Here’s an idea, how about a fresh lime flavor?
  20. Rotten egg flavor-what the hell?
  21. Centipede flavor – how does anyone know what a centipede tastes like? Or, ever wants to find out!
  22. Bubble gum flavor – but can you swallow it? Why not chew a piece of bubble gum instead?
  23. Anchovy flavor – bet that’s really salty; NOT what I want in a jelly bean, yuck.
  24. Pizza flavor – guess it goes with anchovy flavor; just order a damn pizza; I suggest.
  25.  Habanero flavor (“Ass Kickin’” brand, not Jelly Belly) – not sure if my brother who loves spicy food would enjoy these, but bet they kick more than your derriere…

Instead of jelly beans in the candy dish this go around I decided on Andes Creme de Menthe candies; with those pretty shiny green foil wrappers.

 

Women of a Certain Age

  By , , ,

Women of a Certain Age:

Fashionista Edition

 

Women of a Certain Age:

Fashionista Edition

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. If Chanel Number 5 is your go to fragrance, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  2. If Channel number 19 is your other go to fragrance, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  3. If you are aware Youth Dew started out as a bath oil, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  4. If you call Youth Dew perfume a bottle of Estee Lauder, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  5. If you remove one piece of jewelry before going out the door, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  6. If you ever shopped at Peck and Peck’s, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  7. If you own a Bergdorf Goodman sweater or dress, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  8. If you own short white gloves not in a winter fabric, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  9. If you own long gloves, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  10. If you splash on Jean Nate, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  11. If you use Vaseline around your eyes before going to bed, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  12. If you remember Bonnie Bell Lip Smackers and Ten-O-Six lotion, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  13. If your ever wore stirrup pants, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  14. If you ever wore shoulder pads, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  15. If you ever wore a body suit with snaps down there, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  16. If you own a slip or “girdle”, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  17. If you are glad to see skinny jeans go out of style, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  18. If you ever wore double belts, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  19. If you own a muff (get your mind out of the gutter, please), you might be a woman of a certain age.
  20. If you regret owning a real fur (I do; make a donation to an animal welfare cause and donate the fur item to a theater or museum), you might be a woman of a certain age.
  21. If you own clip earrings, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  22. If you own velcro curlers, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  23. If you ironed your “Long and Silky” hair with a clothes iron, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  24. If you had “Short and Sassy” hair, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  25. If you used Lustre-Crème Shampoo, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  26. If you match your hemline to your shoes, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  27. If you use a point system for jewelry and accessories, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  28. If you ever wore go-go boots, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  29. If you every wore bell bottoms that would make a sailor proud, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  30. If you wear pearls everyday, you might also be a fan of VP Kamala Harris and yearn for her to be president…

 

A Few Things I Trust More Than Trump

  By , ,

A Few Things I Trust More Than Trump

A Few Things I Trust More Than Trump

Editor: Thanks for the laughs

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. Dollar store teeth whiteners
  2. The rhythm method
  3. Any cosmetic made in China. That goes for dog food, too.
  4. Used car salesmen
  5. Diamonds from “we might be some jewelry sellers .com”
  6. Unsolicited telemarketers that call at dinnertime
  7. Eat whatever you want and lose weight diets
  8. Unfiltered tap water from Flint, Michigan
  9. Get rich quick schemes
  10. Televangelists, especially …
  11. Food with a 1998 expiration date
  12. “But I just want to cuddle”
  13. The odometer wasn’t set back
  14. It’s fifty percent off- Today Only
  15. It was only driven on Sundays to church by a sweet old lady and her cat
  16. Sushi from a fast food establishment
  17. Chicken salad from a gas station
  18. Giving a drunk the keys to the wine cellar
  19. A date with Bill Cosby
  20. Convenience store restrooms
  21. Tom Brady offering to help with a dead battery or flat tire
  22. A pet piranha or shark
  23. A North Korean peace plan
  24. Casey Anthony as a baby sitter
  25. Retreaded tires
  26. Day old unrefrigerated scrambled eggs
  27. Four for a one dollar deli sandwiches
  28. “No, that does not make your rear end look big”
  29. My ex-boyfriend
  30. My husband’s ex-girlfriend
  31. “Of course my boobs are real”
  32. A rabid bat
  33. An appliance bought on FB Marketplace
  34. A flight on “We Might Just Make it This Time” Airlines
  35. A drive-through root canal
  36. This shot might pinch just a little
  37. Anyone I don’t know messaging me about weather conditions because I have a beautiful smile
  38. You win a million dollars if you pay a small fee
  39. The check is in the mail (who even uses checks anymore?)
  40. The house comes with a brand new roof and furnace
  41. The United States healthcare system
  42. The prince formerly known as Andrew
  43. The seven “real” Rick Springfield’s and assorted Dolly Parton’s messaging me on X
  44. Only one treatment will remove 8 inches off your thighs for just $29.99
  45. Concierge at Trump hotels
  46. Brain surgery guided by AI
  47. “I will pay you back with interest”
  48. A social media scammer that just happened to come across my profile
  49. A 25 year old prophylactic
  50. Mail order from late night television little blue pills

Women of a Certain Age-“Old School” Edition

  By , , , , , , , , ,

Women of a Certain Age – “Old School” Edition

Women of a Certain Age – “Old School” Edition

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. If your call math “arithmetic”, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  2. If you call mathematics new math…
  3. If you ever carried books in a strap…
  4. If your back to school wardrobe included Peter Pan collars and plaid…
  5. If sleepovers during the school year meant popcorn and a Frankie Avalon movie on network TV…
  6. If you had a Friday night party with a record player and bottles of Coke…
  7. If your birthday during the school year meant homemade cupcakes for the class…
  8. If you ever took a peanut butter fluff sandwich in your Scooby Doo lunch box…
  9. If you owned a Howdy Doody lunch pail…
  10. If you watched a happy tooth film strip…
  11. If you know what a film strip is…
  12. If you had a gym uniform that was a short jumpsuit in a shade of blue…
  13. If you wore white Keds with pom-pom socks (mine were pink)…
  14. If your cheerleading uniform didn’t expose your belly button…
  15. If Friday night football games were followed up at the malt shop…
  16. If you went on high school dates at the drive-in…
  17. If you know what activity was done in a rumble seat…
  18. If you participated in said activity in a rumble seat…
  19. If you participated in the same activity at the drive in…
  20. If you know what a rumble seat is…
  21. If you had a back-to-school Lilt perm, courtesy of your older sister or cousin…
  22. If you drove to school in a 1967 Mustang…
  23. If you know what a bobby soxer is…
  24. If you ever owned bobby socks…
  25. If you read Tiger Beat in the girls room at school…
  26. If students today read about your era in history books…
  27. If you carried mad money on dates during your high school or college years…
  28. If your sorority sisters wore pink foam rollers and half slips…
  29. If you ever wore pink foam rollers or half slips…
  30. If you know what a half slip is…

Merry Christmas and a Blessed 2026!

12 Days of Christmas Gone Rogue

  By , , , , , , ,

12 Days of Christmas-Gone Rogue

 

12 Days of Christmas-Gone Rogue

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

1. On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree…

What a cute little birdie and I do love fruit… Apparently, my dear true love forgot I have a cat. That little bird sure can fly fast when being chased by a feline. I had a devil of a time getting him down from where he landed on the chandelier. Then the little dickens ate the biggest pear off the tree, the one I was saving to make a tart. I put the tree and its occupant on my patio. Perhaps a basket of fruit from Harry and David with a partridge figurine from Wayfair would have been a more appropriate present…

  1. On the second day of Christmas my love gave to me, two turtle doves…

It appears my love is quite the birds enthusiast, but these “peaceful” little creatures have a mean streak. They attacked the poor partridge when I placed them on the patio. The feathers are flying here today.  The veterinary bill is being sent to my darling gift giver. How can one re-gift feathered creatures?

  1. More foul – hens! Three of them, and not for Christmas dinner, either. Three French Hens, complete with a tariff bill I had to pay before they were shipped, arrived today. I don’t have a hen house, and my patio is getting crowded…
  2. The man with whom I share some affection sure is a bird lover. Today I received four squawking, er, I mean calling birds. These birds certainly need their own cell phones. My patio is beginning to look a lot like an aviary. Has this man not heard of Zales? My dear seems to forget I work from home…
  3. Finally, my true love sent jewelry – five lovely stackable gold rings. Maybe a diamond bracelet or earrings is in my future, in place of our winged friends…
  4. More feathered friends. Six geese-a-laying eggs all over my carpet. Perhaps my love is hinting he would like to come over for an omelet. I know eggs prices have soared, but this is a bit overkill…
  5. Enough with the birds already – my boyfriend sent seven more avians. Apparently my condo association has a rule about seven swans-a-swimming in the community jacuzzi. Who knew such a codicil existed? Perhaps my next gift will be a consultation with an attorney, and I will be seeking the services of a realtor in the new year. This has been a challenging week, thanks to my guy. I sincerely hope he doesn’t acquire a fondness for rodents…
  6. Well, at least no more birds. The gentlemen with whom a bit of affection is shared sent me eight maids carrying empty milk jugs, since I don’t have a cow. Perhaps tomorrow’s gift will involve bovine. I do love me some fat free milk but really, a grocery gift card would be much more appropriate here. These alleged maids did a terrible job with the kitchen and bathroom; they did nothing for my egg stained rug, either…
  7. Now there is a ballet going on in my living room. Nine ladies are dancing their hearts out here – I had to move the furniture out of the way. I am sending them and the maids to a motel for the night. My friend with benefits is getting an invoice for the Uber and accompanying accommodations…
  8. My friend without benefits has now sent ten lords-a-leaping. These men in tights already knocked over a table, broke a floor lamp, and scared my dog, who was already quite traumatized from all the birds and women that keep arriving. Another trip to the veterinary clinic…
  9. More noise in the form of eleven pipers piping in my dining room; my acquaintance really needs to choose gifts more wisely. Has this dude never heard of Sephora or Macy’s? I am amazed at what one can purchase on eBay or Amazon…
  10. Even more noise for my frenzy – a dozen drummers to give me a raging migraine. I flew the coup and filed a restraining order against lunatic “true love”.

 

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone – hope my gift of laughter made you smile this holiday season…

 

What I am Thankful for this Thanksgiving

  By , , , , , ,

What I am Thankful for This Thanksgiving

What I am Thankful for This Thanksgiving

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

Our nation is in crisis, but I am still thankful to God for the following this day:

 

  1. My loved ones: spouse, family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and furbabies.
  2. I am thankful for all the progressives at every level fighting against the dictator who thinks he is a king.
  3. I am thankful for the fact I never voted for him – I couldn’t live with that on my conscience.
  4. I am thankful for the arts in every form.
  5. I am thankful for children’s laughter – may we protect these innocent ones from harm.
  6. I am thankful that LBGTQ rights are still protected for now, because I love people in that community, including family and close friends.
  7. I am thankful our right to free speech is still present and we can speak our mind for now.
  8. I am thankful for the opportunity to make people laugh.
  9. I am thankful that the government shutdown is over and people can buy food to fill Thanksgiving tables, but my heart breaks that healthcare premiums will pay the price.
  10. I am thankful we can still worship in the faith we desire, and pray that God’s truth may finally break through the racist hate that is not what Christianity should stand for.
  11. I am thankful for freedom – the freedom our military has fought for and protects.
  12. I am thankful for a democracy – may our nation never be robbed of this.
  13. I am thankful for the 25th Amendment – may it be put to good use very soon.
  14. I am thankful for the right to vote – may we use this wisely.
  15. I am thankful for the power of the press, and may I never abuse that privilege.
  16. I am thankful for the power of words that we must use wisely.
  17. I am thankful for all those standing against ICE – just like the first Thanksgiving when native Americans and pilgrims shared a meal together in peace.
  18. I am thankful pumpkin spice season is nearly over.
  19. I am thankful to not have to eat turkey spam from a can.
  20. I am thankful for each of you reading this.

Continue reading

Women of a Certain Age-Thanksgiving Edition

  By , , , , , ,

Women of a Certain Age Thanksgiving Edition

Women of a Certain Age-Thanksgiving Edition

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. If you still the baste the turkey with butter, you might just be a woman of a certain age…
  2. If you make dressing stuffed inside the bird without fear of salmonella, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  3. If you call it pumpkin pie seasoning, not pumpkin spice, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  4. If you don’t understand why there is a pumpkin spice latte, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  5. If you wear a ruffled apron to take the turkey out of the oven, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  6. If you make your own green bean casserole, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  7. If you don’t understand why an already deceased cooked turkey needs to rest, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  8. If you have no idea what the hell a tofurky is, nor do you want to, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  9. If you start stocking up on canned pumpkin beginning November 1st, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  10. If you make mashed potatoes from scratch, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  11. If you know a way to slice cranberry sauce to camouflage the can indentations, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  12. If you recall the first Butterball turkey talk line, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  13. If you remember the first Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, well, your certainly of a very certain age – happy 100th birthday to that iconic celebration…
  14. If your Thanksgiving table has polished silver, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  15. If your Thanksgiving table has starched and ironed linens, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  16. If your Thanksgiving table has fine bone china and crystal stemware, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  17. If your Thanksgiving table includes refrigerated crescent rolls from a poppable can, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  18. If you join the men watching football only after the dishes are washed, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  19. If you make stuffing by cutting up four loaves of bread a couple days before the holiday and then let them get stale, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  20. If you have no idea what umami is and don’t want it on your Thanksgiving table, you might be a woman of a certain age…