Women of a Certain Age In a Modern Era

Women of a Certain Age In a Modern Era

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

Women of a certain age, here are three scenarios of life in the world today – may we always be able to laugh at ourselves. Tushy selfies on social media, medical mishaps, and deodorant differences are modern stories for our times:

Licking My Elbow

I found a lingerie clad female, complete with a bare backside, on my husband’s social media. He was rather unimpressed with her “assets”, and my sister thought she looked like a man. I, however, was very displeased with the friend responsible for bringing this individual into our lives. When I emailed my online buddy to inform her that there was a moon out tonight on my husband’s Facebook page, and that her new chum was smiling on both ends for all the world to see on my spouse’s timeline, she was very apologetic, explaining she barely knew the culprit when she accepted her friend request. Had she known she would target her other friends significant others, she would have blocked the person.

My pal, in an effort to make up for her new acquaintance’s behavior, sent me a how to video giving play by play advice to teach me how to take a rear end selfie of my very own. Huh? A derriere selfie is like licking your elbow – it can’t be done, can it? One must need to be contortionist to accomplish this feat. I informed my friend that my cell phone doesn’t have a wide angle lens – things are definitely larger than they appear. I assumed the backside bimbo on social media had a “photographer” do the deed for her. I was never good at the game “Twister” and I am not double jointed, but I must admit my curiosity was peaked. It can’t be any more difficult than the fifth position in ballet…

I donned my spanx leggings (with rear-lift technology built in) and gave it a whirl, twisting and turning while setting the camera at a jaunty angle just like my friend suggested. I wasn’t sure my husband would want this display on his page, either, but what the heck. Needless to say I threw my back out and fell on the floor right on my said tushie. En route home, after my trip to the chiropractor,  I stopped at a medspa for a non-invasive Brazilian butt lift, because my rear view has style…

Limits to Medical Ailments

I began summer with a not so graceful move – I injured my ankle stepping off that last step and found myself being ushered to an urgent care facility by my spouse. Upon arrival I was told that I must leave a credit card on file for anything my insurance didn’t cover. When I handed over my Visa (choosing the one with the lowest limit), I was also informed there was going to be a rather hefty co-pay charged to my card. I have heard of incidentals at a hotel, but not sure what kind of extra charges I could expect at a doctor’s office. Stethoscope warming fee perhaps, designer blood pressure cuffs, chocolate flavored tongue depressors?

I soon found out the particulars of this establishment. Would my blood pressure or my credit limit go over the top first? I was finally examined by a nurse practitioner, who asked if she could twist my ankle to evaluate it before the X-ray. I explained that I already did that and it was the reason I was there; she found this amusing. I figured since I had paid a large co-payment that I might as well have her check my ears, since I do get swimmers ear often. She gave a quick look in my ears and prescribed drops.

Since I was already at a medical facility, my assumption was that I could save myself a telehealth visit by getting my asthma inhaler and Epi-Pen prescriptions refilled. I already had to stop at the pharmacy across the street for the ear medicine. I was told that there is a two illness maximum at this clinic and I would not be getting my prescriptions. Say what? A two ailment limit under the hefty co-pay. I felt as if I was in the express lane at the grocery store – 8 items or less, and I tried to sneak a 9th impulse item into my cart. Was I on Guy’s Grocery Games? As I took my walk of shame through the waiting area, I could imagine what the other patients were thinking. There she is, the woman that had the audacity to have more than two medical complaints. I felt as guilty as if I stole one of their decade-old magazines from the lobby.

What if I had three life threatening ailments, then what would happen? Would I get to choose which one killed me?  If the X-ray showed my ankle broken in three places, then what? Fix a portion of my ankle? Does this office offer any BOGO specials? Have an ear and sinus infection, get a sore throat or a UTI as a bonus. I felt a migraine coming on – oh no, yet another medical issue. What if I asked for a vaccine, would the illness police be summoned? What if I injured my arm or sneezed while I was in the exam room, would that put me over quota? Would my rapidly escalating blood pressure be yet another infraction? Perhaps I would be punished for my quadruple medical complaints? Would I be forced to get on the scale or give a urine sample as my penance? Would I not get a lollipop, or should I say sucker, after my treatment?  If I walked outside the door and came back in with another credit card might I get my prescriptions?

As I was leaving – without my medication – but with a pair of crutches and unattractive cast boot, for which I was charged $120.00, just in case I did have a broken ankle, I happened to have passed a chalkboard in the corridor instructing me to have a positive day. I am positive this is absurd. I had no scripts for medicine to assist my breathing or to save my life should I have an anaphylactic allergic reaction, but I was offered a complimentary at-home colon test kit, which according to internet reviews has a very high percentage of inaccuracy.  I guess I don’t have to tell you what that idea is full of. I won’t let this harrowing experience ruin my summer season – I will hobble on my injured ankle, because nothing can disrupt my sense of style…

Private Odor Blockers

My Urgent Care experience sure gave me a reason to get hot under the collar – it’s a good thing I use a great anti-perspirant/deodorant. Now anti-perspirants are certainly evolving these days – all over deodorant is all the rage. Television ads inform us its for your armpits, as well as your privates and all the way in the great beyond – feet perhaps? Personally, discussing privates or pits is rather uncouth, that is why they are called “privates”. These odor blockers come in a variety of forms: cream, spray, or stick form, and quite a bevy of fragrances. I honestly do not want any private or public part of my anatomy to necessarily smell like coconut, kumquat, berry, or cocoa vanilla banana smash. These are maybe unique cake flavors, not pits or privates fragrances.

I want to smell like a rose garden in spring, or a maybe a gardenia bush. I recently bought a solid deodorant in unicorn fragrance – I honestly don’t know what a unicorn smells like, nor do I care to embody the scent of a mythical horse with a horn sticking out of its head. I asked my patient husband to sniff my underarms to ascertain the aroma – he claims they smell like a rainbow. I remember back in the 70’s Tickle deodorant was all the teenage rage – citrus and floral were favorites. We wore them with Bonnie Bell orange chocolate Lipsmackers, bell bottom jeans, and a puka shell necklace – let’s face it, ladies of a certain age, we have style…