Women Of A Certain Age

Women Of A Certain Age

We are Survivors of a hell of a lot. . . .

Women of a Certain Age, are survivors

Women Of A Certain Age

We are Survivors

By Anna Hessel

We Survived 

4 years of “The Donald”. Shoulder pads. Bouffant hair. Bodysuits that snapped down there. Mullets. We survived 45. Eighties fashions; including spandex and neon. Girdles that were never Spanx. Fighting for the ERA – we continue to survive this one. Thigh cream. Trump “presidency.” Platform shoes. Bell bottom pants that did nothing for our bottoms.

Nair For Short Shorts

Short shorts themselves. We survived 45 (and I’m not talking about the age…). Push up bras – some of us are still surviving this one. Aerobics classes at the ladies gym in brightly colored leg warmers. Jelly sandals. Ironing our hair with clothing irons. “That” administration. Velcro hair rollers (I actually still use mine!). Setting our hair on orange juice cans. Class photos, precursor to drivers license photos. Drinking from the garden hose.

The Trumpster

Suntans courtesy of baby oil and iodine with no SPF in sight. Junior High, High School, and College. Many of us survived childbirth, terrible twos, and raising teenagers. Gym class in uniforms that resembled prison garb. “Agent Orange.”  Powder Puff football games. Cheerleading skirts. Pageants with swimsuit competitions. Bridesmaid dresses. Rotary dial phones. Land lines. Twenty-six foot telephone cords. Beepers, and pay phones. Polyester pantsuits. 4 years of “The Family”. Paisley floral prints. Granny boots with ruffled dresses.

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You Might Be a Woman of a Certain Age

HUMOR: You Might Be a Woman of a Certain Age

 Humor: A Woman of a certain age

HUMOR:

You Might Be a Woman of a Certain Age…

By Anna Hessel

Barbie Blast From The Past

Well, ladies, I’ve been thinking a lot about women of a certain age.  What if we had Barbies to represent our generation:

  • Woman of a Certain Age Barbie – comes with a portable fan, itsy-bitsy tweezers, wrinkle cream, fashionable bifocals, AARP card, and a Dream Condo in a senior high rise. Pull a string and she has a hot flash.  This Barbie sports a few gray hairs in her blond tresses, maybe some stretch marks, fine lines, plastic cellulite (perhaps includes a tiny loofah and CQ-10 cream?), and her tatas are a bit lower.  Silver Fox Ken with grey at the temples and a middle-age crisis convertible, sold separately…
  • Botox Barbie – nothing’s different, her expression is still frozen…
  • Direct Marketing Maven Barbie – comes with BB cream samples and a pink Cadillac…
  • Journalist Barbie – comes with a tiny newspaper, folded to her favorite writer (I wonder who that would be?)…
You Might Be a Woman of a Certain Age…

All this talk of dolls brings thoughts of youthful memories from back in the day…

  • If you can remember crisp brown plaid dresses with Peter Pan collars and decorative buttons, purchased specifically for the first day of classes, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you can remember black patent Mary Janes, complete with white lace trim socks, and the blisters that accompanied them, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you went back to school sporting a summer tan from laying out in the backyard, courtesy of baby oil mixed with iodine, sipping a Tab in a webbed lounge chair beside a boom box, hair highlighted by Sun In, featuring oversize Foster Grants, and a wicker tote bag filled with a splash bottle of Jean Nate, a strawberry-flavored Bonnie Bell Lip Smacker, and a striped beach towel (mine was pink and white), you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you faced the first day of high school attired in Sergio Valente jeans and a ruffled blouse, resplendent with Great Lash mascara, Candie’s clogs, and a mood ring, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you put away your white shoes and purses after Labor Day, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you own a Wonder Bra and wonder what to do with it, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you have ever thrown a Wonder Bra at Englebert Humperdinck or Tom Jones, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you can remember the television going off late at night to the playing of our national anthem, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you ever ironed your hair with a small appliance made for clothes, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you ever used a Maybelline Kissing Potion rollerball, bubble gum flavor, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you call your nail tech a manicurist, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you ever used Jolene bleach, shaved your legs with a Flicker, or wore pantyhose from an egg, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you ever did a basic set with pink sponge curlers, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know what Dippity Do did, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you ever wore strawberry or lemon perfume, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you ever wore a wide-legged jumpsuit with a puka shell necklace and platform shoes, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you own an original lava lamp and beaded curtain, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know what Mr. Whipple squeezed, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know that Charlie is a fragrance by Revlon, not just a faceless gentleman from a popular TV show about three angels, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know who the Tidy Bowl Man is, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you are of the opinion that Spanx is just another name for a girdle, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know who “Marsha Marsha Marsha” is, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you think regenerative hydration therapy serum is just a fancy name for a face cream, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you buy every wrinkle cream promising results in a week and you still look the same, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know who Bobby Sherman is, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you look forward to commercials featuring Tom Selleck and Joe Namath, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If your favorite TV shows have commercials for Medicare Advantage plans and you can remember when the episodes first aired, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you fall asleep during those commercials, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you call the paramedics and expect Bobby Sherman, Randy Mantooth, and Kevin Tighe to show up, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you think Rick Springfield, Henry Winkler, Billy Dee Williams, Danny Glover, Anson Williams, Billy Dean, Barry Williams, John Stamos, Erik Estrada, Patrick Stuart, Jeff Foxworthy, and President Biden are still sexy, you may be a woman of a certain age (and have excellent taste in real men)…
  • If your dream car is a Mercury Cougar or you just are a cougar, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If your idea of a wild Saturday night is a “Golden Girls” marathon, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know who Bobby Sherman is, you might be a woman of a certain age… (Did I already say this?)
  • If you need those designer Depends while reading this, you might be a woman of a certain age… (and I did my job right…)

Ladies of a certain age, we may forget where we left our car keys or grocery list, our eyebrows might be over-tweezed, our bottoms may be a bit lower, but we will always have unique style…

*I’d like to say a special thank you to my favorite comedian Jeff Foxworthy, who was the inspiration for this article.

https://www.calamitypolitics.com/2020/09/13/humor-abolishing-age-appropriate-attire/