Women Of A Certain Age

We are Survivors of a hell of a lot. . . .

Women Of A Certain Age

We are Survivors

By Anna Hessel

We Survived 

4 years of “The Donald”. Shoulder pads. Bouffant hair. Bodysuits that snapped down there. Mullets. We survived 45. Eighties fashions; including spandex and neon. Girdles that were never Spanx. Fighting for the ERA – we continue to survive this one. Thigh cream. Trump “presidency.” Platform shoes. Bell bottom pants that did nothing for our bottoms.

Nair For Short Shorts

Short shorts themselves. We survived 45 (and I’m not talking about the age…). Push up bras – some of us are still surviving this one. Aerobics classes at the ladies gym in brightly colored leg warmers. Jelly sandals. Ironing our hair with clothing irons. “That” administration. Velcro hair rollers (I actually still use mine!). Setting our hair on orange juice cans. Class photos, precursor to drivers license photos. Drinking from the garden hose.

The Trumpster

Suntans courtesy of baby oil and iodine with no SPF in sight. Junior High, High School, and College. Many of us survived childbirth, terrible twos, and raising teenagers. Gym class in uniforms that resembled prison garb. “Agent Orange.”  Powder Puff football games. Cheerleading skirts. Pageants with swimsuit competitions. Bridesmaid dresses. Rotary dial phones. Land lines. Twenty-six foot telephone cords. Beepers, and pay phones. Polyester pantsuits. 4 years of “The Family”. Paisley floral prints. Granny boots with ruffled dresses.

Over Tweezed Eyebrows

Crash diets. We survived 45. Weight Watchers weigh-ins. Tupperware parties. Being referred to as Mrs. your husband’s name. Hot flashes, night sweats, and upper lip waxes. Trump “presidency”. Cardboard tampons. Floral douche. Sneakers and socks worn with a suit. Having only white male Vice Presidents. “That” administration. Putting our feet in the stirrups without falling off the table.

Stirrup pants

Pastel pink lipstick. Purple lipstick. The Trumpster. Blue eyeshadow. Green eyeshadow. Heavy black eyeliner. Strawberry perfume. Annie Green Springs Wine. 4 years of “The Donald”. Pantyhose from an egg. Jolen bleach. Pearl Drops tooth polish commercials. Large enamel earrings in shades of blue. We survived 45. Long distance calling plans, person-to-person calls and the operator. Answering the phone before caller ID.

Men in leisure suits

Disco. Trump “presidency”. Heavy metal. The Osmonds. Virginia Slims telling us we have come a long way, baby, while contributing to cancer in females. Day of the week panties. “That” administration. Flip phones. Tube TV’s. Hot pants. Mini’s, midi’s, and maxi’s. Soaking in Palmolive (thanks, Madge the manicurist, predecessor to nail techs). Bonne Bell lip smackers in “green apple” and “piece of cake” flavors. Mood rings. Puka shell necklaces.  4 years of “The Orange One. Dippity Do hair gel. Pet Rocks. Book straps to carry school books. Walking a mile to school. The Banana Splits TV show.

We survived 45

Electrolysis. Tie dye t-shirts with macrame belts. Not wearing white after Labor Day. White go-go boots. Trump “presidency.” Gauchos. Embroidered peasant blouses. The shag, the wedge, centered parts, and feathered hair. Bright colored trousers that flared.  Donald Trump. The word “groovy.” Retaining water. High-waisted jeans. Everything corduroy. Orangewear.

Military Uprising

Military fatigue jackets. Combat pants. Olive and khaki rucksack bags. Birkenstock sandals. The Trumpster. Patchwork-inspired attire. Major perms, scatter perms, sideways ponytails, hair glued together with Aqua Net (Yes, I admit I still have a can; those of us in the pageant community even sprayed it on our derrieres…I won’t go further). Chain belts, fringe, moccasins, and polka dots.

Plaid skirts with combat boots

4 years of “The Donald.” Slip dresses. Tube tops. Baby T’s. Fanny packs. We survived 45. Slouch denim, chunky accessories, and the grunge look. Square toes, big shirts, crop tops, and bucket hats. Fuschia pink and orange blusher. Patchouli, amberwood, sandalwood, and solid fragrances. The Trump “presidency”.

Being a “Thom girl”

“Body on Tap” beer shampoo. Bubblegum Kissing Potion lip gloss with a rollerball. Being a hippie. “That” administration. Hair painting.  Over enthusiastic cosmetic saleswomen. Infrared sauna blankets. Bicycle shorts, puffed sleeves, and acid-washed jeans.  The Trumpster. Croakies, jams, and Top Siders. Track suits, Windbreakers, and slouch socks. Sporting Ray Bans to block out neon orange, fuschia, and teal. Ripping our T-shirts, sweatshirts, and jeans. 4 years of “The Donald“

Swatch Watches

Parachute pants. Preppies. Hippie, punk, and boho attire. We survived 45. Television that ended at midnight. Cassette “spillovers.” Ink pen dark lip liners. Fingerless gloves. Trump “presidency.” Home perms that caused your hair to fall out. Feathers, itsy-bitsy bags, colorful blazers, crushed velvet, and velour. Floral print overalls. Gold lame.

“That” administration

Pastel chintz. Plastic furniture covers. Matching plastic floor covers for traffic areas. Anything mauve or magenta. And how about that pink? Glass blocks. An orange shaded president. Chunky furniture.  Primary color décor. Cotton candy pastels. Shag carpeting. 4 years of “The Donald.” Lucite, clear furniture. Burnt orange, avocado green, and harvest gold appliances. Painted velvet. Mosh pits and stage diving. We survived 45. Blonde wood, furniture with a skirt, botanical wallpaper, track lighting, and sponge painting.

Beaded Doorway Curtains (every once in a while I’m still tempted)

Floral wallpaper borders. Fish sticks, Spam, canned asparagus, baloney, and Pop Rocks. Trump “presidency.” Roller rinks. Overstuffed recliners. Twenty shades of tan and beige. Damask prints. “That” administration. Madras plaid. Glitter inflatable furniture. Mirrored and cork tiles. Food without expiration dates. Burning our bras. The Trumpster. A world without the Internet. Psychedelic prints. Ford Pinto/Mercury Bobcat, LeCar, and the Yugo. Pointy toe pumps, clear shoes, ballet flats, gladiator sandals, and ankle straps.

4 years of “The Donald“

Lace up jeans. Frosted lip gloss. Popcorn shirts. Bedazzled pocket jeans, no back pocket jeans, and low rise jeans. Tattoo choker necklaces, trucker hats, and sweatpants with messages on the derriere. Split skirts and capri yoga pants with wide legs. Airbrushed attire and all denim outfits. We survived 45. Belts with studs and rhinestone embellishments. Baguette bags, rugby shirts, and hair claws. Y2K bugs. White metal cabinets, dark wood cabinets, and granite countertops. Did I mention the Trump “presidency”?

Pudding Pops

Cheese balls in a canister, spray cheese in a can, and pumpkin spice everything. Cinnamon flavored breath mints. Artificial colors, sweeteners, and preservatives. Surge, New Coke, Vault, and Jolt (but I sure miss Tab…). “That” administration. Outer Space Cheetos. Gripz. Yogos Bits. Hubba Bubba Squeeze. Twisted puffs (made with real cheese!) Creme Savers hard candy. Icebreakers Liquid Ice. Swoops. Cereal straws. Oreo Cakesters. Sorry Kissables. Mango sours. Mutant purple ketchup. Fresh Mint Skittles. Snak-Stix, and Bagelfuls.

Lollipop Pain Shop

Lollipop Paint Shop and Daytona 500 Pringles with writing on them. Turkey, stuffing, and pumpkin pie flavored Pringles. Extreme Airheads (I actually mean the candy…). The Trumpster. Pink flamingo everything. Jeggings. Reaganomics. Earning less money than a man for the same job (oh, wait – still surviving this one!). 4 years of “The Donald”.  Wonderbras (which still make me wonder…). Stupid people (oh, wait – still surviving them!)

And Survive We Will

Ladies, we continue to survive and thrive – we are fantastic in our 40’s, fabulous in our 50’s, sexy in our 60’s, spectacular in our 70’s, empowered and exciting in our 80’s, and nervy in our 90’s.  Just look at Betty White-100 years in January. As the song states, we are invincible!