A Few Things I Trust More Than Trump

A Few Things I Trust More Than Trump
Editor: Thanks for the laughs
By Cate Rees-Hessel
- Dollar store teeth whiteners
- The rhythm method
- Any cosmetic made in China. That goes for dog food, too.
- Used car salesmen
- Diamonds from “we might be some jewelry sellers .com”
- Unsolicited telemarketers that call at dinnertime
- Eat whatever you want and lose weight diets
- Unfiltered tap water from Flint, Michigan
- Get rich quick schemes
- Televangelists, especially …
- Food with a 1998 expiration date
- “But I just want to cuddle”
- The odometer wasn’t set back
- It’s fifty percent off- Today Only
- It was only driven on Sundays to church by a sweet old lady and her cat
- Sushi from a fast food establishment
- Chicken salad from a gas station
- Giving a drunk the keys to the wine cellar
- A date with Bill Cosby
- Convenience store restrooms
- Tom Brady offering to help with a dead battery or flat tire
- A pet piranha or shark
- A North Korean peace plan
- Casey Anthony as a baby sitter
- Retreaded tires
- Day old unrefrigerated scrambled eggs
- Four for a one dollar deli sandwiches
- “No, that does not make your rear end look big”
- My ex-boyfriend
- My husband’s ex-girlfriend
- “Of course my boobs are real”
- A rabid bat
- An appliance bought on FB Marketplace
- A flight on “We Might Just Make it This Time” Airlines
- A drive-through root canal
- This shot might pinch just a little
- Anyone I don’t know messaging me about weather conditions because I have a beautiful smile
- You win a million dollars if you pay a small fee
- The check is in the mail (who even uses checks anymore?)
- The house comes with a brand new roof and furnace
- The United States healthcare system
- The prince formerly known as Andrew
- The seven “real” Rick Springfield’s and assorted Dolly Parton’s messaging me on X
- Only one treatment will remove 8 inches off your thighs for just $29.99
- Concierge at Trump hotels
- Brain surgery guided by AI
- “I will pay you back with interest”
- A social media scammer that just happened to come across my profile
- A 25 year old prophylactic
- Mail order from late night television little blue pills













































































































































