An OMG Christmas Newsletter

An OMG Christmas Newsletter

 

 

An OMG Christmas Newsletter

By D.S. Mitchell

 

Too Many Days

I know all years, except for Leap Year, have 365 days.  So, why does 2025 feel like it’s got 750 days? Never mind; I figured it out on my own. Donald J. Trump’s in office and it feels like every ‘friggen day has somehow been virtually stretched and twisted until it feels like two.

How Much Bullshit is Too Much?

My memories of Trump’s first term are foggy at  best, but I think Trump wanted to takeover Greenland during his first administration and he continued the rhetoric into his second term. While deflecting the fallout from suggesting that we should make Canada the 51st state, I think  that’s when Trump started  demanding Google and all the map makers change the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. Just meaningless distractions? I’m not so sure. The ramblings of a demented old man? I’m sure it’s some of that, but certainly not all of it.

Heritage Foundation

None of it makes sense; unless you believe in Project 2025. The deeper we move into Trump’s Alice in Wonderland world the more chaotic…the more numbing. Trump has signed more than 220 Executive Orders since retaking the White House, surpassing all previous records and raising major concerns about the abuse of presidential power. The Robert’s Supreme Court seems more than willing to grant Trump’s every wish. Is there no conscience? No justice? No honor? No fairness? Apparently, not. There seems to be no limit on the Heritage Foundation’s love affair with the Robert’s court and its willingness to drag us back to 1950, or 1850. A time when women bore children, lots of them, a time when a woman had no rights except those allowed by her father or her husband. A time when white children were sold into indentured servitude, when blacks were slaves. A time when none of us want to go back to unless you are white, male, and wealthy.

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12 Days of Christmas Gone Rogue

12 Days of Christmas-Gone Rogue

 

12 Days of Christmas-Gone Rogue

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

1. On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree…

What a cute little birdie and I do love fruit… Apparently, my dear true love forgot I have a cat. That little bird sure can fly fast when being chased by a feline. I had a devil of a time getting him down from where he landed on the chandelier. Then the little dickens ate the biggest pear off the tree, the one I was saving to make a tart. I put the tree and its occupant on my patio. Perhaps a basket of fruit from Harry and David with a partridge figurine from Wayfair would have been a more appropriate present…

  1. On the second day of Christmas my love gave to me, two turtle doves…

It appears my love is quite the birds enthusiast, but these “peaceful” little creatures have a mean streak. They attacked the poor partridge when I placed them on the patio. The feathers are flying here today.  The veterinary bill is being sent to my darling gift giver. How can one re-gift feathered creatures?

  1. More foul – hens! Three of them, and not for Christmas dinner, either. Three French Hens, complete with a tariff bill I had to pay before they were shipped, arrived today. I don’t have a hen house, and my patio is getting crowded…
  2. The man with whom I share some affection sure is a bird lover. Today I received four squawking, er, I mean calling birds. These birds certainly need their own cell phones. My patio is beginning to look a lot like an aviary. Has this man not heard of Zales? My dear seems to forget I work from home…
  3. Finally, my true love sent jewelry – five lovely stackable gold rings. Maybe a diamond bracelet or earrings is in my future, in place of our winged friends…
  4. More feathered friends. Six geese-a-laying eggs all over my carpet. Perhaps my love is hinting he would like to come over for an omelet. I know eggs prices have soared, but this is a bit overkill…
  5. Enough with the birds already – my boyfriend sent seven more avians. Apparently my condo association has a rule about seven swans-a-swimming in the community jacuzzi. Who knew such a codicil existed? Perhaps my next gift will be a consultation with an attorney, and I will be seeking the services of a realtor in the new year. This has been a challenging week, thanks to my guy. I sincerely hope he doesn’t acquire a fondness for rodents…
  6. Well, at least no more birds. The gentlemen with whom a bit of affection is shared sent me eight maids carrying empty milk jugs, since I don’t have a cow. Perhaps tomorrow’s gift will involve bovine. I do love me some fat free milk but really, a grocery gift card would be much more appropriate here. These alleged maids did a terrible job with the kitchen and bathroom; they did nothing for my egg stained rug, either…
  7. Now there is a ballet going on in my living room. Nine ladies are dancing their hearts out here – I had to move the furniture out of the way. I am sending them and the maids to a motel for the night. My friend with benefits is getting an invoice for the Uber and accompanying accommodations…
  8. My friend without benefits has now sent ten lords-a-leaping. These men in tights already knocked over a table, broke a floor lamp, and scared my dog, who was already quite traumatized from all the birds and women that keep arriving. Another trip to the veterinary clinic…
  9. More noise in the form of eleven pipers piping in my dining room; my acquaintance really needs to choose gifts more wisely. Has this dude never heard of Sephora or Macy’s? I am amazed at what one can purchase on eBay or Amazon…
  10. Even more noise for my frenzy – a dozen drummers to give me a raging migraine. I flew the coup and filed a restraining order against lunatic “true love”.

 

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone – hope my gift of laughter made you smile this holiday season…

 

Holiday Reflections and Inflections

Holiday Reflections and New Year’s Inflections

Holiday Reflections and New Year’s Inflections

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, and Kwanzaa, everyone. I have been thinking about unique holiday gifts this season, not the same old, same old. A classic carol came to mind as I began to ponder unusual presents…

Too Much of Good Things?

“On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree. ” A cute, quiet little birdie in a tree the bears fruit, a gift that keeps on giving – Amazon does have everything.

On the second day, “two turtle doves” – doves signify peace, very appropriate for the season and our often crazy world.

The third day brings us more birds, “three French hens” – no offense to those birds, but French perfume would suit my tastes a bit better.

The fourth day. “Four calling birds”, more avian gifts – it’s getting just a bit crowded in here, and surely the neighbors will call the cops with all the squawking…

“Five golden rings” – jewelry! Much better, thank you.

Day six geese, even more feathered friends – they are a-laying on my best holiday quilt and making quite the mess. My true love is getting on my last nerve…

The seventh day, swimming swans – what’s with all these birds? Perhaps a pair of tickets to see Swan Lake would be a more appropriate present?

Number eight, maids milking – I do enjoy an ice cold glass of fat free milk, and who can’t use the services of a good maid, but this is kind of overkill…

“Nine ladies dancing” – please refer to number seven, tickets to the ballet – thank you.

“Ten lords a leaping” – what the heck kind of goofy gift is this? These clumsy dudes are scaring my pets and destroying my home decor.

“Eleven pipers piping” – I met a very understanding police officer, courtesy of my next door neighbor…

Phew, we made it to the last day, a full dozen drummers, drumming up even more noise. and I am seriously considering taking out a restraining order. Perhaps my true love should have purchased a gift card for a massage and pedicure, much more my style…

New Year, New You…

And then, of course, Happy 2025. Hopefully, we are all resolving to show love and kindness to others, this year and always.

Resolute!

I realize many of us have personal resolutions to enrich and better our own lives: for example, I resolve to buy more shoes and drink more mocha lattes – I believe in making resolutions that I know I can keep.  Hopefully, my husband has resolved to be a bit more careful with the outside mirrors on our Mini Cooper; this will certainly improve his wellbeing. I, in turn, could resolve to allow him to sleep indoors, since our puggle Sasha misses the use of her house.

Food for Thought…

Of course, I realize resolutions can come in many different forms. Perhaps many of you might be traditionalists, for instance, resolving to lose weight. As a plus-size princess, I have learned to be comfortable in my own skin, but I do advocate healthy eating and exercise.  We can all resolve to eat healthier by avoiding processed foods, preservatives, and sodium intake.  I am resolving to stick with Meatless Mondays and enjoy a wide variety of fish – our cat Prada applauds this part of my resolution.

Stretch Yourself

If you are anything like me, exercise needs to be fun – a stroll through the dog park, or a dance class at the park district or local studio can help one reach my fitness goals.  I certainly hope you dance in the coming year, but whatever you resolve to do, remember to do it with style.

Old Long Since

On a more serious and reflective note, we remember a beautiful version of “Auld Lang Syne” by Celtic Woman; it got me to thinking about that New Year’s Eve favorite – many artists have sung it, including a lovely rendition by Barry Manilow. The song actually derives from an old Scottish poem – I never really thought about the lyrics much except to have always considered them to be just a bit depressing. “Should auld (old) acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind”. There are many old acquaintances that I truly care to remember and remain acquainted with. Those who are no longer here, the reminiscence can be rife with sadness, yet oddly comforting. Some whom have gone on and many whom still remain in our lives, of course, don’t always bring happy memories.

Greet Someone Different Than You

Several years ago, we attended a fabulous Kirk Franklin concert on New Year’s Day. Mr. Franklin talked about saying hello to someone you didn’t know, as well as not taking certain people into the new year with us. Truth be told, there are certain folks I don’t care to take into the next minute with me. Getting rid of toxicity in our lives can often be the best resolution we can make – heartbreaking as it can be, sometimes a clean break is for the best.

Forgive, But Not Forget…

The Lord teaches us to forgive, but forgiveness does not mean to carry another person’s bad behavior with us through the coming months. Let bygones be bygones but do so with wisdom – maybe that is what this song is trying to communicate. When our hearts are heavily burdened, it’s time for a spiritual and emotional renewal.

Those who Forgot History, Doomed Us to Repeat It

The phrase, “Let go and let God” comes to mind, however, as we enter 2025 we are forced to take “The Donald” with us, much to the disappointment of many of us. With 49.5 per cent of the vote it is clear Trump did not receive a mandate to do anything. Less than half the electorate chose a repeat term of terror by the orange-haired former “occupant” of the Oval Office; but we must endure in resistance with the help and hope of the Lord. We will “take a cup of kindness yet” and have a stiff drink from it, as we offer God’s grace and walk away from those that don’t enrich our lives, because self-care has style…

 

Festive Food For Thought

Festive Food for Thought

Pumpkins spice and peppermint sticks every where you look.

Festive Food for Thought

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

Food for Thought

I hope everyone is having a joyous holiday season, shopping and preparing your favorite foods. Unlike many people, I enjoy grocery shopping; during a recent trip to the market I discovered some unusual edibles for the festive table. Imagine, if you can; unicorn pudding, Oreo and Warhead candy canes, sweet cinnamon Kit-Kats, white peppermint Twinkies, “Wintermint DingDongs” with ice blue filling, a reindeer-faced slice and bake cookie set complete with antlers and a red nose. There was a whole clearance aisle full of all things pumpkin spice, and a large selection of goods inspired by the movie “Frozen” – to this I say “Let It Go”…

Bake Someone Happy…

I admit it, I’m ready to bring back the Christmas’s of my childhood. Let ‘s bring back Christmas cookies made from scratch, and Jiffy Pop for our Christmas special viewing party snacks. We actually had to wait for our favorite programs like “A Charlie Brown Christmas”, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”, “Frosty the Snowman”, and “Rodgers and Hammerstein ‘s Cinderella”. These were actual classic TV shows, not a DVD in a player, or streaming any time I wanted to see it. These were a big deal. The networks advertised them for a month before the holiday. We’d invite friends over to watch these timeless holiday shows, because they were only shown once a year. I am a Hallmark movie kind of girl, but I miss the anticipation of those annual events.

Mmmmm, no…

We baked cupcakes, and set out a bowl of M & M ‘s – not jalapeno, thai coconut, coffee, hazelnut, caramel, crispy honeycomb, English toffee, chocolate marshmallow, white chocolate peppermint, white pumpkin pie, milk chocolate glow-in-the-dark, or even mint – we had plain and peanut, still my favorites. Hot chocolate was made with cow’s milk and the flavor was chocolate, with maybe a few marshmallows thrown in, and a dollop of Ready-Whip. There was no pumpkin spice, or peppermint anywhere is sight.

Snow Joke

We didn’t ask the musical question, “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” We just went out and built one, complete with carrot nose, lumps of coal for the eyes, and a tattered plaid scarf. Even the holiday commercials on television were festive; my favorite was always the Norelco shaver gliding over the white hills like a snowmobile, with the catch phrase, “even our name says Merry Christmas”.

“Pop”-ular Games

The toys under our trees both delighted and educated – I was the Julia Child of lightbulb cuisine; our “notebook/tablet” was an Etch-A-Sketch – stairways up, stairways down, and stacked boxes. We had Lite-Brites, Barrels of Monkeys, Spirographs, Bride Barbies, Tiddlywinks, and the game Trouble with the Pop-O-Matic – we thought that was cutting edge technology. Some of my favorites were Suzy Cute in her yellow plastic crib, Chatty Cathy, the Dawn doll’ s beauty pageant and beauty salon, Mrs. Beasley, and of course, I had a Swingy doll (mine was decked out in pink and orange) – (batteries not included).

Don’t Sweat(er) It…

Life was slower-paced, and we made our own fun and beautiful memories; we didn’t feature “ugly” Christmas sweaters, but wore green velvet dresses with red ribbons in our hair and shiny black Mary Janes on our feet. Christmas balls went on the tree, not on our apparel, and the coffee table candy dish was filled with ribbon hard candies. I wish you and all those you love a holiday season to remember; Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, and may your New Year arrive in style…


 

Deck the Halls, Not the Husband


Deck the Halls, Not the Husband

While I love classy, my husband is attached to tacky.

 

Deck the Halls, Not the Husband

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

New Family Traditions

I like classic, classy things; my husband, on the other hand adores the tacky. Currently, he  is in a decorating frenzy, and that scares me. As we prepare to celebrate, who can forget decorations? I sometimes wish my other half would. Don’t get me wrong, I love a tasteful wreath on the door and a holly berry candle on the mantle, and this year, thanks to my recent DNA test, we will be including a menorah along with the family creche, however, my other half is not quite a Clinton Kelly when it comes to holiday embellishment.

Another Holiday Move

I look up from a Hallmark Christmas movie, and to my horror I see my spouse, attired in a Chicago Cubs Santa hat and a flashing Christmas tree tie, hanging jingle bells on the bathroom doorknob. Apparently, there are no safe places from his holiday mania. I cautiously enter the powder room, which has been transformed into a winter wonderland, as in I wonder what the heck happened to my bathroom.

Hang Up the Mistletoe…

Gone are the lovely blue lace-edged fingertip towels and the matching ceramic soap pump. Replacing these tasteful items are Hallmark’s Jolly in the John – really? My husband loves this little guy as much as he loves his Mini – and joining good ol’ Jolly is his pet reindeer, another Hallmark creation, with a roll of toilet paper decorating one of his antlers. Rounding out the tacky trio is Mr. John’s “other half”, a plastic snowwoman soap pump.

And the Toilet Seat

A purple garland adorns the shower curtain rod, and the shell toilet seat is now covered with a giant Santa face, gloved hands covering his eyes (do you blame him?). My attractive celery green with chocolate brown polka-dots bathrobe has been replaced with a latch hook creation of eight tiny reindeer, a rather unfortunate garage sale find. I turn to flee this holiday horror to find my other half nailing mistletoe above the necessary room door.

Merry Migraine!

I resume watching the previously interrupted holiday-inspired film, I take a fortifying sip of my mocha latte as my husband makes his way to the kitchen with a devilish glint in his eye, our jingle bell collared puggle Sasha in tow. My better (?) half is carrying a pair of Rudolph pot holders and a Grinch tea towel. What desecration could he be up to? Visions of plastic glitter sugar plums strung on the stove dance in my head, threatening a migraine. Did I just see our cat Prada wearing kitty-sized elf ears? Over the years my husband has acquired a plethora of kitschy Christmas items, right down to, cover your eyes, glow in the dark snowman boxer shorts, which he actually wears to bed. Does murdering a spouse still rate a life sentence?

Jolly in the John

As I said, one of his favorite pieces of seasonal décor is Hallmark’s “Jolly in the John”; normally I’m a Hallmark kind of girl: love the movies, cards, and ornaments, but I have yet to make friends with good ol’ “Jolly”. A plastic snowman holding a plunger who sings the potty song “Who’s Gotta’ Go”, and informs bathroom visitors they “look a little flush”; in my opinion, he’s gotta’ go. My spouse proudly places him atop the toilet tank, accompanied by his “snowwife”, a plastic lotion dispenser in the shape of a snowwoman, and their beloved pet, another Hallmark creation, a reindeer adorned with a roll of toilet paper on one antler. This “charming” trio has replaced my tasteful glass vase, containing vintage gold and silver Christmas balls.

A Special (Dis)appearance

Ironically, strange things have befallen Jolly – he keeps coming up missing, and stranger still, it only occurs when my hubby isn’t home. I have no idea how Jolly ended up in the bushes-apparently he must have fallen out of the window. I didn’t realize our dog could throw up the sash; lucky for us, our neighbor found him and brought him to our door. My other half then found him in the trash can-I have no idea how he got there, either. He was lovingly washed down and put back and in his place of honor, behind the throne.

Pack It In

Most recently, Jolly turned up at the local thrift store, buried in a box of old clothes I had donated. Lucky for us, that same helpful neighbor volunteers at the resale shop. My husband happened to be in there seeking out more tacky, I mean whimsical, holiday decorations, so the snowman has returned home. I guess I just have to accept that good ol’ Jolly is my husband’s way of decorating. We have certainly decked the halls with a unique bevy of holiday décor, but always in the theme of “peace on earth and goodwill toward men”; yes, Virginia, I married a man with style…

 

Christmas Short Story


SNATCHING SANTA

The age old battle of good vs evil played out at Christmas

SNATCHING SANTA

Editor’s Note: I wrote this short story a couple years ago and have reprinted it on my website every year since. If you haven’t read it, I hope you enjoy it. If you have read it; read it a again. Happy Holidays.

By D. S. Mitchell

It was a small noise that woke Santa. Something out of place in the middle of the night. He lay in the dark, wondering if he’d imagined, or possibly dreamt the sound. Mary Claus slept by his side, her steady breathing the only sound in their darkened bedroom.

“There it was again,” he said under his breath.

This time it seemed to be at the back of the house. It was the sound of feet on gravel, a noise that wouldn’t be noticed during daylight hours, but seemed magnified by the darkness. It was close to 3:00 am. He worried that a sneak thief might be trying to break into his toy shop.

The suddenness of the event shocked him. The front and back door were simultaneously kicked in, and several men rushed through the battered doors into the house. The sound of polished boots on hardwood floors echoed down the halls. Mrs. Claus gasped as they both sat upright. Santa started to get out of bed, but the light came on before his foot hit the floor.

Two men armed with automatic weapons stood in the doorway, blocking any possible escape. The taller of the two men took in the room in a glance before lowering his eyes to the bed. He narrowed his eyes and pointed his weapon directly at Santa.

“What do you want?” Santa demanded.

“Shut up,” was his answer.

The weapon remained on its target and the tall man warmed the trigger with an agitated finger before saying, “Get dressed old man, you’re coming with us.”

Santa could see the shadows of several men moving about the house, the intruders opening closets, drawers, and doors. Mrs. Claus screamed. Santa hushed her with a hug and whispered reassurances.

“I said get your ass out of bed, Chubby.”

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12 EZ Tips To Lose 20 Pounds in Three Months

12 Tips To Lose 20 Pounds in 3 Months

Take a few minutes and review 12 tips to help you lose 20 lbs in 3 months

12 EZ Tips To Lose 20 Pounds By Christmas

No Dieting Required, Just Wokeness

 

By D. S. Mitchell

Out of the File

I’m always cutting out articles or writing down tips I hear about weight loss, with the hope that I will eventually put one or two of the tips to some valuable use. LOL. Anyway, as I was cleaning out a storage box I found a file labeled “Weight Loss Tricks”.  I took  a few minutes and sorted through the notes, clippings, and articles in the file.  After sifting through at least 10 years of information I came away with a dozen super suggestions to help us drop 20 pounds by Christmas. I am writing this tips list on September 10, 2023. That’s 106 days, give or take, approximately 3 and 1/2 months, or 14 weeks. No matter how you look at it, the following suggestions should help you to lose an easy 1.5 pounds a week with just about zero effort. Several of the tips you’ve heard before, but the trick here is to wake up, pay attention to what you are putting in your mouth. I call it “woked” eating. Easy Peasy. Let’s get started.

Sit Down When You Eat  

This information has been confirmed in study after study, for at least the last two decades. People eat an incredible 5 times more when they are standing or on the go, such as eating in the car. Your brain does not register food you eat while moving. So, folks take a few minutes to sit down and engage with your food. Sitting down will allow you to be more conscious of flavor and aroma and the slow down will allow you time to experience the sensation of fullness.

Cut Out the Booze

I suggest you stop drinking anything but unsweetened coffee or tea, or water (flavored is fine). Quite seriously, alcohol can add a whole lot of sneaky calories. I call it the 5:00 o’clock sabotage. Stay clear of the sugary girlie cocktails. Here’s where size does matter, stick to the standard serving sizes: 12 oz for beer, 5 oz for wine and 1.5 oz for hard liquor.  No more than two drinks two times a week! Otherwise you are going to undermine your other valiant efforts.

Take a Walk, Take a Breath

The last thing you need when you are working on yourself (your weight loss in this case), is a whole lot of stress. Take it easy. Take those long slow breaths, drop that load you are carrying and “just breathe”. One of the things that let’s me drop the stress and take those deep relaxing breaths is to take a walk. Wow. Walking is your best friend, whether trying to lose weight or relieve the stress, take a hike; or at least a stroll around the neighborhood. Smile and greet other walkers. There is a real community out there, get off the couch and join the sneakers crowd. Smiling makes you feel good. The calorie burn is dependent on you; speed and distance the basic determinant. The average person burns somewhere between  200 and 350 calories per hour at a moderate pace. At an easy pace that’s about 3 miles an hour. To lose one pound, you need to cut 3,500 calories. If you want to lose one pound a week divide 3,500 calories by seven to get 500; that means you need to cut 500 calories a day overall.  If you walk for an hour, 5 days a week, you will burn  1,000 to 1,800 calories.  If you are like me, you knew all that, but had forgotten it.

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Snatching Santa

SNATCHING SANTA

SNATCHING SANTA

The age old battle of good vs evil played out at Christmas 

By D. S. Mitchell

It was a small noise that woke Santa. Something out of place in the middle of the night. He lay in the dark, wondering if he’d imagined, or possibly dreamt the sound. Mary Claus slept by his side, her steady breathing the only sound in their darkened bedroom.

“There it was again,” he said under his breath.

This time it seemed to be at the back of the house. It was the sound of feet on gravel, a noise that wouldn’t be noticed during daylight hours, but seemed magnified by the darkness. It was close to 3:00 am. He worried that a sneak thief might be trying to break into his toy shop.

The suddenness of the event shocked him. The front and back door were simultaneously kicked in, and several men rushed through the battered doors into the house. The sound of polished boots on hardwood floors echoed down the halls. Mrs. Claus gasped as they both sat upright. Santa started to get out of bed, but the light came on before his foot hit the floor.

Two men armed with automatic weapons stood in the doorway, blocking any possible escape. The taller of the two men took in the room in a glance before lowering his eyes to the bed. He narrowed his eyes and pointed his weapon directly at Santa.

“What do you want?” Santa demanded.

“Shut up,” was his answer.

The weapon remained on its target and the tall man warmed the trigger with an agitated finger before saying, “Get dressed old man, you’re coming with us.”

Santa could see the shadows of several men moving about the house, the intruders opening closets, drawers, and doors. Mrs. Claus screamed. Santa hushed her with a hug and whispered reassurances.

“I said get your ass out of bed, Chubby.”

Continue reading

Johnny Mathis “O Holy Night”

Johnny Mathis “O Holy Night”

Johnny Mathis “O Holy Night”

Calamity came up with the Jukebox Choice of the Day for Christmas Day. It is an oldie, but Johnny Mathis has a voice that never grows old. Please enjoy your holiday and stay safe.