Why I Didn’t Watch the Dr. Blasey Ford Testimony
By Beck Holladay
The entire country skipped breakfast to watch Dr. Christine Blasey Ford quietly take her oath and then assume her seat in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee on Thursday, September 27, 2018, everyone except me. Blasey Ford alleges Trump Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her 36 years ago when both were in high school.
It’s not that I don’t believe Dr. Blasey Ford. In fact, I think there’s not a chance in hell that she’s lying about anything that happened to her at the hands of a drunken Brett Kavanaugh.
Another Sacrifice
She has risked reputation, professional respect, privacy, anonymity, security and status so that she may simply tell the truth. Dr Blasey Ford, the victim of a brutal assault is ruining her own life, so that she may simply point out that she was a victim. The victim of a man poised to ascend to the highest court in the land. She had no choice, the validity of the Supreme Court is at stake.
Facing the potential of a morally corrupt Supreme Court Justice, Blasey Ford said she had no choice, but to come forward. This is not a ploy for fame, or a clever political chess move – as Republicans have labeled her claims. Republicans have orchestrated blistering attacks against her honesty and her motives prior to last week’s hearing. The mounting outrage carefully manufactured for the television cameras over the prior week convinced me not to watch the hearing.
Reality Versus Hypocrisy
To me, it would have been like watching a self-immolation. Dr. Blasey Ford is lighting herself on fire and we are all completely indebted to her for it, but at the end of the day, white men in power will never give her the respect and credit she deserves. They certainly didn’t give it to Anita Hill. They certainly didn’t give it to me.
What women have learned is that they can either be silent and complicit, or they can be martyrs. There is no in-between. Victims of sexual assaults are typically shamed, ridiculed and rejected; not embraced by their communities – the way the victims of a mugging or gun violence assaults might be.
Women have come to understand that what they are taught publicly is to always tell the truth, be brave, come forward – but the social undercurrent says otherwise. Come forward, yes, but at the expense of your career, your connections, your reputation. Be prepared, no matter what you choose, to lose your peace of mind.
Some Things Must Be Taken in Small Bites
Over the next several weeks a parade of TV pundits will smear Dr. Blasey Ford. The attackers will be powerful, white males and a few women who benefit from white male power. We know that their arguments will be not actual, constructed arguments but rather jabs, and they will be repeated jabs, each jab inflicting another small bit of damage – until they have dismantled her credibility.
I decided I couldn’t stand to watch the testimony that I knew would ignite a firestorm of revenge and retribution against her. My first instinct was to, bury my head in the sand, but I won’t. It’s just that I didn’t want to see it “in the moment”. It was something that I chose to digest in small snips of video replays, because otherwise the pain would be too much for me to bear.
What These Men Tell Their Wives and Daughters
These men will go home and tell their wives and daughters:
- Dr. Blasey Ford is courageous for what she did
- Dr. Blasey Ford is confused, duped, or a pawn of the Democrats and the Clinton machine
And, in the end, these powerful men will control the message. The same misogynist message President Trump boosts at his rallies. A message Lindsey Graham supports with puffed cheeks and vigorous finger wagging.
I know This From Personal Experience.
When I was a teenager, I testified in court on behalf of a powerful man, my own stepfather.
My mother divorced my stepfather when I was 12 and we moved from my childhood neighborhood. When I was 15, the police were contacted and my stepfather was charged with multiple sex crimes involving children. I was asked to testify in my stepfather’s defense — even though he knew that he was guilty of inappropriate sexual acts against me, his own stepdaughter, in addition to the neighborhood children.
#MeToo Movement
The message sent to me as a young woman was clear and simple – women are not a threat to men. It told me that the experiences of a woman are unimportant and malleable where it is convenient to those men. And though this experience was nearly 20 years ago now, I don’t see much change – although the #MeToo movement has certainly helped de-stigmatize the process of coming forward and pressing charges. No matter the seeming progress, in the end, men have historically found ways to pull the rug out from under us; to block our progress.
My stepfather was so sure that the ways in which I truly did care for him as a person would outweigh my need to see justice done – not only for my friends, but for myself. And he was right. I did exactly what he thought I would do, exactly what his male defense attorney asked of me. I lied to protect him, testifying that he was a good person who had never hurt or violated me; I did not want to make my stepfather sad, or angry.
Dreams Keep The Memories Alive
He and his attorney never asked my older brother to testify.
Ultimately, my step-father spent 12 years in prison for what he did. I think about him infrequently, but I dream about him often. In my dreams he is always a threat, always chasing me, always angry. And I didn’t even speak against him, I protected our secret, his violation of me.
Creating A New Me
What I want to thank him for is that my experiences as a young woman who chose to be silent have turned me into an adult woman who has become outspoken and direct. I will never let another person violate me, even on the smallest scale. But women should not have to experience a violation or denial of their own free will to realize they must fight back. Women should not have to weigh the consequences of speaking the truth.
Dr. Blasey Ford has taken a hammer to the dike. She will be doubted and assailed; but there are many more voices, still silent voices, waiting to speak. Unless you’ve been through something like this, you have not a single clue as to how difficult and painful it is to “simply speak up”.
