COMMENT:
Eternity of Now: Beto 20xx
By Ross Turner
The Eternity of Now: Beto 20xx
Only three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and Beto O’Rourke’s commitment to eventually make a decision about whether to run for President. The three-time House Representative has been touring through the Southwest like a tumbleweed and has displayed an equally impressive sense of direction. Will he run? Won’t he? Only one man knows. He has yet to be found.
Political Rock Star
Today, the winds of chance have carried the political rock star to another dusty, nameless pueblo in the heart of Texas. Arriving on his unicycle with a small but zealous flock of supporters and reporters, O’Rourke stopped to speak with Calamity Politics.
O’Rourke Stops to Comment
“I’ve given this a lot of thought,” remarked O’Rourke, fidgeting with a lightly-nibbled corn dog gifted by the local ranchers. “It’s a big decision. A lot of other candidates have declared, but I have to do what’s right for the country and my family,” he said, accidentally dropping the corn dog and watching it roll under the wheel of a passing horse carriage. “Well, (laughs), that can happen too,” mused the candidate-candidate.
‘Ol Molasses
“Beto is right for the country in this moment,” averred Rebekka Walport, a long-time Beto supporter since January. “We just want him to declare already. What is he waiting for, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to come of running age?” Hank Hamhole, a Democratic political operative from O’Rourke’s hometown of El Paso, agrees that “Ol’ Molasses” has what it takes. “Beto’s got the secret sauce: coming together, listening, and learning more. He’s above the fray, like a cloud. Like he’s not even there.”
O’Rourke, “I’m Not a Labels Guy”
When asked about his hesitation in adopting the more progressive positions of other popular Democratic contenders, O’Rourke wondered aloud, “I’m not a labels guy. I’m about ideas. I’m never the smartest guy in the room, so I listen to people. It’s how I managed to soundly defeat Ted Cruz almost.”
Getting Things Done
Asked if he would take a firm stance on anything, O’Rourke demurred, “Listen, I think that’s the kind of rhetoric that’s divided this country. You’re either ‘black’ or ‘white,’ ‘dead’ or ‘alive,’ this or that. It’s not productive.” A sickly buzzard pecked at the smooshed corn dog from before. “I believe in getting things done,” O’Rourke said, the Exploratory Committee to Potentially Examine a Beto bid for the Presidency, or ECPEBBP, entering its 9th month.
Gifts Galore
A throng of Beto activists brought him a number of gifts to help him on his way to thinking about the White House. “We got him all the essentials,” beamed self-described Beto ‘fanboy’ Jello O’Malley. “A Ouija board, Magic 8-ball, Chinese oracle bones, and some Tarot cards. He’s gonna make an informed decision.”
Another Great Question
When questioned whether he believed his late entry into the race would harm his prospects by painting him as indecisive and unprincipled, O’Rourke gazed into the distance. “I don’t know. That’s a great question. I think we need more politicians who are honest and say, ‘You know what, that’s a great question. I don’t know.’” A sudden shriek from the buzzard, now sated by corn dog, jolted O’Rourke out of his forlorn stare, “All I know is I’m absolutely committed to a possible decision.”
UPDATE:
As of March 14, 2019, Beto O’Rourke has officially declared his candidacy for President of the United States. “This was a grueling decision,” O’Rourke said before a cheering crowd in Houston. “But after months and months of grappling, I knew it was time. The country can’t wait any longer. That’s why I, Beto O’Rourke, am running for President in 2024.” When immediately asked by the event host whether he meant ‘2020,’ O’Rourke seemed confused. “Didn’t I say that? (Laughs) I guess my clock just runs a little slower than most.”
