Flyin’ Solo

Flyin’ Solo

 

By Kelli Mathison

 

Long Ago

When I was younger, much younger, I never worried about being alone, in fact, as an only child I found great comfort in being alone. Today, it’s a bit different because I’m not really alone; I have a significant other.  Sadly, that person is ill; and getting sicker on a predicted path toward death. I know we’re all on a short leash as far as life expectancy goes, but most of us don’t have a terminal diagnosis with a predicted expiration date. I make sure that all of his needs are met and that he is comfortable and happy and that his caregivers provide superlative care. As can be expected, his attention is now directed inwards, to his pain, to his wants and needs; perfectly understandable. But, where does that leave me, other than alone. Not physically of course, but emotionally and intellectually, I’m on my own. I guess its preparation for a time when I will be physically alone. A thought I find hard to write. Of course, I have an unknown expiration date myself, I could just as easily go first. Life and death a constant mystery.

Flyin’ Solo

I can feel myself shifting from ‘us’ and ‘our busy lives’, to ‘me’ alone, ‘just me.’ He can no longer travel, even by car. He is housebound. I’m conflicted because I’m not ready to give up on a spontaneous car ride, a lazy lunch at a favorite restaurant, a forest hike, a concert, a golf game with my girl friends, an afternoon loitering at the local art museum. If any reader feels I am selfish and uncaring, you are wrong; what I am, is aware that I need a plan for being alone. I’ve done some reading on living alone after a partner dies and what I’ve learned is encouraging and worth sharing. Most experts recommend establishing a new routine, maintaining and building on friendships, joining a support group, and perhaps getting a pet. Focus on self care, explore hobbies, meet new people.  Remember, when someone you care about has been ill for a long time the mourning begins before death and preparation for the impending loss makes good sense.

• To gain a sense of control it may be necessary to set daily schedules for meals, exercise, and basic self-care.
• To avoid that sensation of lost days, plan one small, simple daily activity such as taking a walk or going to the pool. 

• Set up automatic bill pay.
• Create a “team” of professionals (mechanic, house cleaner, appliance repair) for house and auto upkeep.
• Set up a calendar for maintenance reminders (oil changes, HVAC checks, filter replacements).

• Keep in contact with family and friends, even if its just for a quick call.
• Join a couple local groups (library, garden, hobby clubs) to facilitate meeting new people.
• Adopt a pet for that constant, non-judgmental companionship.
• Explore support groups or see a therapist/doctor if needed.

4. Find new purpose while honoring your loved one’s memory

• Keep photos displayed or continue a meaningful tradition.
• To shift focus and find purpose try volunteering for something you support (animal rescue, food banks).

• Mourning is a process; a confusing mix of emotions (confusion, anger, relief, pain) give yourself permission to grieve in your own way. Grieving often begins during the loved one’s illness often long before their death.
• Avoid using alcohol or drugs as coping mechanisms; talk to a doctor if you’re struggling with the diagnosis and its effect on you.
• Go at your own pace and don’t rush into social situations before you’re ready. 
• Lastly, do not make any major decisions, such as selling your home or moving to Nebraska without giving yourself at least one year to grow familiar with being alone.