HUMOR: The Perils of Pumpkin Spice-
It’s Not Everything Nice
By Anna Hessel
Falling Leaves
The air is turning cooler, the trees are a beautiful kaleidoscope of bright, harvest-toned colors, and with this a bevy of everything pumpkin spice. I am more of a cute sweater, ankle boots, apple cider donuts, and taking pictures of fall foliage type of person. I really don’t need pumpkin spice candles, air fresheners, Oreos, milkshakes, cakes, butters, jellies, iced tea, marshmallows, bread crumbs, cereal, oatmeal, pancakes, toaster pastries, deli meat, cheese, lotions, soap, shampoo, facial wash, hair mousse, muscle rub, shoe polish, toilet bowl cleaner, dog biscuits, cat food, kitty litter, glass cleaner, laundry detergent, fabric softener, cologne, after-shave, lip balm, nail polish, cuticle remover, mascara, floor wax, drain cleaner, toothpaste, or super glue. I’ve even seen a pumpkin spice pandemic face mask – really?
Pumpkin Spice Overload
What ever happened to plain old pumpkin pie, smothered in a half-can of Fat Free Reddi Whip? I honestly don’t find the necessity to drink pumpkin-flavored java – make mine a decaf, skim, mocha latte, please, to sip while enjoying a pumpkin pedicure and a pumpkin muffin. Perhaps a slice of homemade pumpkin bread with buttercream frosting, however, I prefer to brush my teeth with something minty fresh, not tasting of sugar and spice, that is certainly not nice. If I tried to serve Purina pumpkin spice to my cats, they would simply hiss and turn over their bowl.
Not A Spice Girl
Have you ever noticed the Spice Girls have a Ginger but not a Pumpkin? I am definitely not a Pumpkin Spice Girl myself. I heard on a local radio station that maple walnut is going to come on the scene and blow pumpkin spice right out of the water. I might love me some maple walnut if it’s in a coffee cake, danish, or donut, but I don’t care to wash my hair with it or serve it to my dog in the form of a treat.
The Land of Pumpkin Spice
My car doesn’t need a pumpkin spice oil change and lube job, either. The idea of pumpkin spice pizza rolls or ice cream I find quite unappealing. I don’t need my armpits or any other part of my anatomy, for that matter, to smell like a spicy pie, fresh out of the oven. The pumpkin spice obsession, I must admit, I find quite annoying. I feel as if I’ve followed the orange brick road into the land of pumpkin spice – there is no escape, it’s everywhere…
A Poem
I often ask why,
Would anyone buy?
Pumpkin spice.
I do not like pumpkin spice,
I do not think it “very nice”.
I do not want it in my rice.
I consider it a vice,
I would not feed it to mice,
I would not buy it at any price.
I do not want it in my hat,
I would not serve it to my cat,
I do not want it with cousin Matt.
I would not serve it to a bat,
I would not serve it to a rat,
Pumpkin spice, ewww, what is that?
I do not like it on a plane,
I do not like it on a train.
I do not like it in the rain,
I prefer it down the drain.
I do not like it in a car,
I do not like it in a jar.
I do not like it at my coffee bar,
I think it tastes a bit like tar.
I do not like it on a bus,
In my house, it might gather dust.
You may consume it, if you must.
I may try it in a pie,
but will be happy to bid it goodbye.
I do not want it in a fog,
I would not give it to my dog,
I would not give it to a frog,
I would not give it to a hog,
I do not want it in my blog.
I do not like it in my hair,
I do not care to spray it in the air,
I do not like it anywhere.
I do not want it in a truck,
Just the thought, ewww, yuck,
I do not want it for a buck.
I would not feed it to a duck,
It sort of tastes like muck,
I think it might bring bad luck.
I do not want it in a cup,
I would not feed it to my pup,
It’s not something I care to sup.
I do not like it for lunch,
I do not like it for brunch,
I dislike it quite a bunch.
I do not consider it yummy,
I would not feed it to a mummy,
I do not want it in my tummy.
I do not want it quick,
I do not want it on a stick,
I do not want it while watching a flick,
I would not serve it to old St. Nick.
Pumpkin spice, it is a bore,
For me it does not score,
It makes my blood pressure soar.
I do not want it from a store,
I do not want it to pour,
I do not want it on the floor,
I hope it goes right out the door,
Pumpkin spice no more.
I do not like it in a group,
I do not like it in my soup,
I do not like it in a chicken coop.
I do not like it at a ball,
I do not like it in the fall.
I do not like it at all.
Pumpkin’s not the spice of life,
It, quite frankly, brings me strife.
I do not want it for a dime,
I do not want it anytime,
It sort of reminds me of slime.
Pumpkin spice is out of control,
I do not want it in a bowl,
I do not want it with a roll,
I would not give it to a troll.
I do not want it in my hand,
I sort of feels like sand,
I do not want it in the land,
I do not want it with a band.
I do not want it from a can,
I do not want it in a pan,
I would not serve it to cousin Dan.
I do not want it in a tub,
I do not want it as a rub,
It is the worst kind of grub.
I do not want it in a glass,
Pumpkin spice, I’ll take a pass.
It is a pain in the …
This is getting kind of naughty,
Pumpkin spice belongs in the potty.
On it I do not wish to dine,
It is not very fine,
I will never make it mine.
I would not serve it to a fleet,
I do not want it with my meat,
I do not consider it a treat.
This is something I will not eat,
Even though it’s sometimes sweet,
Writing this sort of has me beat,
Avoiding pumpkin spice is a feat.
I do not want it in a room,
I do not even want it in a tomb,
I would not feed it to my groom…
I do not want it wearing a dress,
I long to see it oh so less,
I really feel it is a mess,
It is something I cannot bless,
Pumpkin spice, never yes,
It does cause me stress.
It makes me sneeze, if you please…
I do not want it in a boat,
I would throw it in the moat,
I am pretty sure it will float,
I wouldn’t feed it to a goat.
I do not want it to drink,
I will wash it down the sink,
Pumpkin spice really makes me think,
I sort of feel it does stink.
I do not want it with my meal,
I do not care if it’s a deal,
I’m just saying how I feel.
I realize it is a fad,
But it sort of makes me mad,
I do not want it at my pad,
It sort of makes me sad.
I am so very glad,
It is not what I just had,
Pumpkin spice tastes really bad.
I do not want it in a nook,
I do not want it while reading a book,
I would not serve it to a crook,
It is not something that I cook.
I do not want it in my house,
I would not serve it to a mouse.
Not that my house has a mouse.
I would not serve it to a sow,
I would not serve it to an owl,
I would not serve it to a cow,
I honestly think it’s foul.
It just makes me want to scowl,
I do not want it now,
I do not want it anyhow.
I do not want it in a mix,
That would put me in a fix,
I think they should use it to make bricks.
I do not dream,
Of it in my cream,
Does anyone detect a theme?
I feel that it tastes fake,
Pumpkin spice I will not make,
Pumpkin spice I will not take,
Pumpkin spice I will not bake.
I would throw it in a lake,
Please give me a break,
I will not serve it to Jake
From State Farm, for heaven’s sake.
I do not want it in a pill,
I would not serve it to cousin Jill,
It does not give me a thrill,
In fact it gives me quite a chill,
It rather makes me ill,
Pumpkin spice tastes like swill.
I do not want it on my toast,
I do not want it with my roast,
It is the flavor I detest the most,
Pumpkin spice I cannot boast,
I would not serve it to a ghost.
I do not want it with my dinner,
It is for sure not a winner.
It’s deliciousness you can’t convince,
I do not want it in my hair rinse,
I will not give it to cousin Vince,
I would not serve it to a prince.
Pumpkin spice has got to go,
I would not serve it to a beau,
Pumpkin spice, heck, NO!
I do not like it in the den,
I would not serve it to a hen,
I do not like it in a pen.
I do not want it on a plate,
I do not want it on a date,
It’s popularity I debate,
It is something I berate.
I do not want it in a gel,
I do not like the smell,
Pumpkin spice is not swell.
Do you eat it, please do tell?
I do not want it at the pool,
I do not think that it’s cool.
I do not want it in the sun,
I do not want it on a bun,
Pumpkin spice is no fun.
I do not want it in a nest,
Pumpkin spice is a pest,
It really is not the best.
I absolutely do not jest,
I puts my patience to the test,
I needed to get that off my chest.
Pumpkin spice I just,
Do not trust.
I realize it is a craze,
That is something that does amaze,
I hope that it is just a phase,
‘Cause it leaves me in a daze,
The question that I must raise,
Why the pumpkin spice praise?
I would rather eat some kale,
I will state, without fail,
Pumpkin spice belongs in jail.
I do not want it in a bag,
It makes my feelings sag,
It kind of makes me want to gag.
I do not want it in my bed,
I do not want it in my head,
Pumpkin spice makes me see red.
I do not like it in my stew,
Just the thought makes me blue,
I will not give it to Betty Lou,
I will not serve it to Aunt Sue,
I do not want it in super glue.
I will not feed it to a crew,
To this conclusion, I drew,
Once it’s gone I shout “whoo-hoo”,
Pumpkin Spice, it’s nothing new.
I do not want it in my mouth,
Pumpkin spice can just go south.
I do not want it with my turkey,
Pumpkin is a bit jerky,
This is getting kind of quirky.
I do not want it in a tin,
I will try in my gin,
That might actually win,
Pumpkin spice is a sin.
I do not want it on a farm,
It causes me such alarm,
I fail to see its charm.
I do not want it in my latte,
For me it is a not-te.
I do not want it in my sauce,
Pumpkin spice is not the boss,
Its popularity has me at a loss.
I do not want it at the gym,
I do not want it on a limb,
I would not like it on a whim.
I would not serve it to cousin Jim,
My chance of consuming it is slim,
Pumpkin spice is pretty grim.
I do not want it in a strudel,
I do not want it with a noodle,
I would not feed it to a poodle.
Pumpkin spice is sort of snarky,
I am tired of all its malarkey.
I do not want it on any road,
I would not give it to a toad,
I do not want it in my abode.
I would not give it to my prof,
It belongs in a trough.
I do not want it around the bend,
If I consume it, I would not mend,
I really wish this was the end.
I would abolish it if I could,
This I know I certainly would,
This is something that I should,
Do for all the common good.
Pumpkin spice I have not drunk,
Who indeed would have thunk,
I would not serve it to a skunk.
I know this song getting long,
Pumpkin spice is simply wrong.
I do not want it in a ditch,
Pumpkin spice is something to pitch,
For its flavor is not rich.
I do not want it in the snow,
I do not want it at a show,
I do not want it in my cup of joe,
Pumpkin spice is a big no,
It really has to go.
I do not want it in a chair,
I do not want it at a fair,
I would not feed it to a bear,
Pumpkin spice, now that’s a scare.
I do not want it on a table,
I wouldn’t serve it to Aunt Mabel,
Pumpkin spice is quite unstable.
I do not want it with a pickle,
I would not pay for it a nickel.
Pumpkin spice has me in a rut,
I would not serve it to King Tut,
It’s a pain in my butt.
I do not want it in June,
It will never make me swoon,
I do not want it by the light of the moon,
I do not want it on a spoon,
I would not serve it to a goon.
I do not want it in my home,
I do not want it under a dome,
I would not serve it to a gnome,
Pumpkin spice, feel free to roam.
Pumpkin spice is not right,
It always gives me quite the fright,
It is not a pretty sight.
I do not want it on a bike,
I do not want it with cousin Mike,
I would not feed it to a tyke.
I do not want it in a tent,
For it my money won’t be spent.
I do not want it in my dip,
I will not sip even a little nip,
I will not taste a single drip.
I do not want it on a tray,
I do not want it while watching a play,
I do not want it in my spray,
It sort of smells like clay.
I will not serve it to cousin Ray,
It sort of makes me feel gray,
This is getting tired, you say.
I do not want it any day,
It is not welcome to stay,
Pumpkin spice, go away,
Pumpkin spice, I say oy vey!
Pumpkin spice won’t get the gold,
The flavor really is too bold,
This is getting old, I’m told.
Pumpkin spice is not the best,
It has put me to the test,
Drink this stuff? You jest,
Almost time to put this to a rest.
It is nearly time to bid pumpkin spice adieu,
And get back to our regular brew,
Of pumpkin spice I must again say ewww,
But this is nothing new,
I do not like it, that is true.
Pumpkin spice is a sham,
For me it is not glam.
I do not want it in my beer,
It does not make me cheer,
I do not want it as a schmear,
It just makes me shed a tear.
But during fall, it’s all I hear.
Therefore I must jeer,
I do not hold it dear,
It makes me fear,
I am glad the end is near, for this year.
I do not want it at a dance,
With pumpkin spice I have no romance.
I do not want it on a ranch,
Pumpkin spice, not a chance.
I do not want it in a yurt,
I do not want with yogurt,
I do not want it while wearing a skirt,
Would just a taste really hurt?
I would not choose it over dirt.
I do not like it with pink eggs and ham,
I do not like it with a can of Spam,
I will not give it to cousin Pam,
I will not serve it to Uncle Sam,
Tired of it, yes, I am.
I do not want it at the dump,
Let’s just give it to Donald Trump,
Because he is such a chump,
And a pain in the rump.
I do not want it in the aisle,
It surely does not make me smile,
This has gone on for quite a while,
Pumpkin spice, not my style…
