I Wanna Be Barbie
I Wanna Be Barbie, That Girl Has It All…
By Anna Hessel
“Barbie” Boom
Pink is in and so is Barbie. I just saw the new Barbie movie for the first time, and it’s totally awesome. How can you miss with a cast that includes America Ferrera, Rhea Pearlman, Will Farrell, Ryan Gosling, Margot Robbie, and narration by Helen Mirren? I must commend Mattel for having the courage to make this movie happen. Culturally diverse Barbies and Kens abound in Barbieland, including wheelchair and plus size perfect Barbies – I want both of those dolls. I agree the park bench scene with pink Western attired Barbie and the older lady is a scene worthy of an Oscar. This Christmas my nieces and nephews are getting Mattel toys: Barbies, Hot Wheels or Matchbox cars. Toys for Tots will be blessed with Barbies, too.
Back in the Day…
I happen to pride myself on knowing my Babs history. I know her middle name is Millicent and I have owned many a Millie. I actually gave my dolls choppy haircuts, marker make up, and even tattoos. Weird Barbie, I understand will be the doll to have this holiday season. Eons ago, I came up with the idea of cellulite Barbie, and, of course, have written about it – you heard it here first, folks.
No Boxing
I played enthusiastically with my collection – no doll of mine stayed in a box. Barbie in her black and pink case accompanied me to my first sleepover and my first day of school. She took mud baths in puddles after the rain, and Malibu Barbie and Ken went to the beach with me. I had the Barbie airplane – she was the pilot, Midge the copilot, and Ken was the flight attendant on my airline.
Be All That She Can Be
Ever the feminist, I campaigned for a Shirley Chisholm and “That Girl” dolls. I already had a nurse “Julia” doll. My fashionista Barbie was a lawyer, astronaut, ballerina, and veterinarian, complete with plastic cat and dog. She was a marine biologist, swimming with plastic dolphins. I had equestrian Barbie, who also ran a day care center. Cute baby Barbies came with my baby sitter set. I had the growing up Skipper; crank her arm and she grew boobs. Lucy in the candy factory Barbie. Hair color change Barbie. Ice Capades Barbie. Farm girl Barbie. Teacher Barbie. That’s just to name a few. Ms. Barbara Millicent Roberts was a professor, first female President of the United States, a senator, and judge. Ken was nurse to her doctor. All of my fashion diva dolls held important positions: opera star, actress, independent film maker, news anchor, author, nuclear physicist, private detective, rocket scientist, and, of course, journalist.
I Wanna Be Barbie
Collect This…
I still have my holiday Barbies, my beloved Elle Woods, and Miss America Barbies, Rizzo and Sandy from Grease Barbies (RIP Olivia Newton John) – they are displayed in our bedroom. I really want to see a Notorious RBG, Gloria Steinem, Justice Ketanji Jackson, and VP Kamala Barbies. I would be first in line for a Dr. Jill Biden Barbie, along with a classic Michelle Obama Barbie. There was a Jackie O. Barbie, right? I must have her. I made up my own Barbies: my fifties themed doll met up with my Coca-Cola Barbie; along with Ken, they opened a very successful retro diner with pink sequined stools. The wait staff was Skipper and Alan, and, of course, our blonde beauty was a Michelin Star chef. The sky’s the limit ladies.
Imagine That…
Barbie was a social worker, rock star, executive board member (Ken made a great secretary), docent, curator, photographer, dentist, construction worker (she became forewoman, of course), ship’s captain, police officer (she naturally became Police Chief), firefighter, retail cashier (Ken as the Walmart greeter, complete with hairpiece and shopping cart), bank president (Ken was the teller), software programmer, surgeon, mayor, governor; Mary Kay, Avon, and Tupperware ladies.
Whatever The Mind Imagines
Sometimes she was an FBI agent, another time a Secret Service agent, acrobat, gold medal gymnast, tennis player, baseball pitcher, dancer. International spy – Ken was actually James Bond; he and my playmate’s GI Joe went on wild safaris in the jungle of my imagination. It seems like I had more Ken dolls than they show in the movie. I named one Mr. Toupée, since Ken had quite the plastic hair do. He was a sanitation worker turned big rig truck driver. Barbie could be anything, and so can you.
Dreamhouse
When I was five, I wanted the coveted Barbie Dreamhouse for Christmas – that cardboard furniture was the bomb. I could imagine parking my pink Barbie mobile and jet next to that beautiful structure. Barbie deserved better than to live in a cardboard shoe box: it was cramped, lacked natural light, and closet space. Bride Barbie and groom Ken needed a better starter house. A pink plastic home complete with pool and elevator for my doll was what I craved. I got an Etch A Sketch; Santa got a what for the next year.
My Kind of Barbie
I proudly hang my Barbie shoe tree, and makeup head with curlers Hallmark ornaments on our Christmas tree each year. I love my girl – she has everything. Barbie is all the rage this year, the hype of course has hit social media. Take the on line quiz and find out what kind of Barbie you are. It’s kind of fun. According to the quiz, I’m a badass Barbie in pink on a motorcycle – my spouse agrees with that one. My friend is a Barbie nun. Who knew? However, I found the homeless Barbie in the game to be in enormously bad taste. Barbie is pure class, an icon of fashion and beauty. Move over Betsy Wetsy and Baby Alive, Babs is on the scene.
Fashion Doll Fantasies
Naturally, I have some ideas for new Barbies: Librarian Barbie, she comes with a banned book of your choice. LGBTQ and Trans Barbie/Ken, because God loves everyone. Supermarket Barbie: non-GMO certified, complete with reusable grocery bag – just don’t squeeze her melons. Homemaker Barbie – pull a string and watch her multitask; Bipolar Barbie – she copes with courage and gallantry. Federal Prosecutor Barbie – orange haired idiot sold separately; the deluxe set includes a tacky miniature Mar-a-Largo bathroom, filled with tiny toy boxes containing teensy classified documents and a to-scale paper shredder. Political Activist Barbie – she stands for universal healthcare and choice, but is outlawed in Florida.
Fashion Doll Fantasies, Part 2
Medical Researcher Barbie – she is vaccinated against COVID. Pastor and Rabbi Barbies, along with Priest Ken: they are no judgement dolls, showing actual compassion. Twitter Barbie, just mark her with an X; Botox Barbie, maybe not. Influencer and Blogger Barbies – it had to happen. Uber Driver Barbie: late model SUV sold separately. Pumpkin Spice Barbie, unfortunately, is over saturated, but what the heck – everything else comes in my most dreaded scent; complete with requisite doll-sized tall cup of PSL. Now, Mocha Latte Barbie is a doll for me. Flamingo Barbie – includes a tacky tall pink plastic bird, and matching beach towel, tote bag, swimsuit, and flip-flops. After all, pink flamingos are the pumpkin spice of summer.
More Fashion Doll Fantasies
Soccer Mom Barbie – in a pink minivan, she comes with a cooler of miniature juice boxes, pretzels, and teensy Ziplock bags of grapes – all on the approved list of soccer snacks. Betty White Barbie – complete with a dog, cat, and St. Olaf storybook; I would actually love to see a set of Golden Girl Barbies. Woman of a Certain Age Barbie – accessories include midlife crisis, toupee-wearing Ken, Lady Clairol, and hyaluronic acid moisturizer. Pull a string and her knees creak, move her arm and she has a hot flash; laser hair removal studio sold separately. And the Suzanne Somers Barbie – comes with miniature Thighmaster, little 3-in-1 convertible cape top, almost Halston dress, and a tiny Chrissy-anthemum (“Three’s Company” fans will get these references – rest in peace, amazing lady…).
KENough…
I have a few Ken doll ideas, too. Game show host Ken has a killer smile and you can drive home in a brand-new car. Car Wash Ken, he is all wet. Gyno Ken – I just couldn’t resist. Pickleball Ken comes with a dill spear but no balls.
The Girl Has Everything…
Barbie is now into her sixties; she has been a model, a hippie, a mermaid, and Disney Princesses. When our girl turned fifty, I bought out the Walmart: magnets, deck of playing cards, stickers, if it was Barbie, I had to have it. We should all get on the Barbie bandwagon, and help empower women. No matter which Barbie you choose, you’re a winner, because Barbara Millicent Roberts from Willows, Wisconsin, our pretty plastic princess, has a vagina and style…
