Let Go of Compulsive Goal Setting
Let Go of Compulsive Goal Setting. . . and be Happy
By D. S. Mitchell
Self Help
The other day, I was pawing through a box of books I had stored in the back of my closet and was trying to decide if they were something I should drop off at The Salvation Army or go to the trouble of pricing them to resell on Amazon. As I debated the question I came upon Stephen Shapiro’s 2006 self-help gem, “Goal Free Living: How To Have The Life You Want Now.” It has been at least a decade since I read the book, but as I flipped through the pages I remembered it distinctly, and thought it would be a great reminder to pass on to my readers to help them enjoy the closure of 2025. If you’re a compulsive goal setter, burdened by could of’s, should of’s, and would of’s now might be the the right time to put all that baggage aside and take a new look at how we prioritize living our lives.
First Person
Stephen Shapiro is the first person that I can remember that gave me permission to release the religion of goal making that permeates our culture, and try to live without the restrictions of a set of goals or rules for success. I have been told since I was a kid, that goals of all kinds, big, small, wildly ambitious were all within my reach. I just had to want that dream bad enough. The rule seemed to be, if you can visualize it, you can have it; if you don’t know what you want (can’t visualize it), you might as well be lost at sea without a life preserver.
Not So
Shapiro disputes this time worn American myth. In fact, Shapiro argues that if you want to be happy in its most broad interpretation, you need to throw that “five-year plan,” and the “life-time to do list,” into the garbage can. Originally Shapiro was a motivational researcher. While doing interviews with business leaders for a book he discovered that after interviewing 150 of the country’s most successful people and traveling over 12,ooo miles the most fulfilled people were also the most spontaneous, and believe it or not, the least goal oriented. What? How could that be true? It goes against everything I’ve ever been taught.
Taking a Detour
After interviewing those 150 successful people in all fields of enterprise, from all parts of the country, Shapiro discovered that most of the successful people had taken a circuitous route to their eventual success, and it seems that the circuitous trip was what made the result, all the more satisfying. Shapiro became convinced that the key to happiness comes from checking out the back roads and detours, both literally and figuratively, without fear of changing course. Shapiro is convinced that following goals may lead a person to financial wealth, but there is a good chance that if you follow the plan unquestioningly you will lose yourself and potential happiness.
Who’s Dream
First thing we should do is, figure out whose goal it is? According to Shapiro, “Most people’s goals aren’t even their own. They tend to be driven by society and family pressure.” Second, when you focus on a goal Shapiro believes, it is like putting on a pair of blinders, you lose your peripheral vision, causing you to miss out on all kinds of great opportunities. Third, you will always be living for the future. You sacrifice today in the hopes that something wonderful will happen tomorrow. Goals are like that, you are always chasing them. Four, you are “courting failure” because you become attached to one outcome, and even if you achieve it, reality seldom matches the dream, and worse, it closes other doors to exploration and opportunity.
Wandering the Wilderness
But all this seems to go against every core principle that I have been taught since childhood. How could all those books, seminars and teachers have been so wrong. I need those scraps of paper, those directions to success. I need my goals. Or, do I? How can I achieve anything if I don’t have a goal, no matter how much fun wandering around in the wilderness having great moments may sound? Shapiro counters with, “Goal-free living isn’t about aimlessness, or things are getting tough” and I’m going to bail out, but rather it is about “being passion-driven in the moment, while knowing you can change course.” It is also about “getting out, playing, and trying lots of new and different things.”
I’m A Goal-aholic
I am a goal-aholic, I can’t just toss away all my goals. Can I? Maybe. I think Shapiro is saying “do you have the right goals and are you relating to them the right way?” Shapiro believes some people abuse goals, “as a way of escaping from being present in the here and now. They distract themselves by looking ahead. Life should be more about enjoying every single moment for what it is and allowing things to unfold.” Living in the moment. I’ve only known one person in my life who was truly able to accomplish the feat. Hmmm, maybe I can do this. Maybe it’s easier than I think.
Care Plan
I have been an RN for nearly 4 decades and one of the foundations of nursing is the Nursing Care Plan. The care plan for a patient provides direction and continuity of care. That mind-set is hard to just sweep away. However, I can see where a care plan to direct the care of a patient over a short-term period is not the same as the life time goal setting we do for ourselves. But, initially that professional methodology got in the way of me spreading my wings, and in fact still does in many ways. I wish I were better at this discarding everything I’ve been taught.
SMART
Shapiro wants us to think about aspirations (working in government) versus goals such as (getting elected to congress on November 8th, 2026) because a broader aspiration will give you pleasure today and “success” becomes more broadly defined. The biggest complaint Shapiro has is with the institutionalization of SMART goals. In other words, Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Results Oriented, and Time based. Sounds very similar to a Nursing Care Plan. The idea that you will know right away whether you’ve succeeded or failed is misguided and crippling.
Play Hard
The cure to the pain of a failed goal is to step back and ask yourself whether you defined the desired outcome too narrowly and whether you tried to control the uncontrollable. Shapiro reminds us, “Not only have you set yourself up for failure, but you’ve put a time limit on everything. Life is unpredictable, so give up control. Create many paths. And play hard.”
Throw Away the Time Line
Above all, trash the idea that if you don’t succeed by Saturday morning at 11:30 you are a failure. Shapiro proclaims, “I’m not going to be done with what I’m doing till I’m dead. It is really about applying creativity to every aspect of your life.” In fact, for me its all about making my last days my best days.
Stephen Shapiro’s Guide Posts for living a Goal-Free Life:
1.) Use a compass, not a map. Allow yourself to take the less traveled path, allow yourself to try new things.
2.) Trust that you are never lost–every seemingly wrong turn is an opportunity to learn and experience new things.
3.) Remember that opportunity knocks often, sometimes softly–while we are blindly pursuing our goals. Sadly, we often miss unexpected and wonderful potentials.
4.) Want what you have. Measure your life with your own ruler. Appreciate who you are, what you do, and what you have, now.
5.) Seek adventure-treat your life as the one time only journey it is, and revel in new and different experiences.
6.) Learn to be a people magnet. Constantly seek, build and nurture relationships with new people gaining support and comradeship of others.
7.) Embrace your limits. Transform your shortcomings and perceived inadequacies into unique qualities that you can use to your advantage.
8.) Remain detached. Focus on the immediate. Act with a commitment to the future and stop fretting about how things will turn out and just live.
Conclusion:
I think is right in many ways. Goals are by their very nature, self-limiting. So, with 2026 just six weeks away I am giving you permission to toss that goal list in the garbage and start living life.
I can already see a benefit of abandoning those old goals is that I can better appreciate the things I have achieved, now that they are not overshadowed by the things I failed to accomplish.
Remember, there can be great joy in the unplanned.
