The Melania Movie? No, Definitely No.

The Melania Movie? No, Definitely, No.

Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch the Melania Movie

By Cate Rees-Hessel

1. Get Disco Duck tattooed on my arm – no Melania movie for me…
2. Hang upside down – no Melania movie for me…
3. Kiss a rabid bat – no Melania movie for me…
4. Scoop the litter box – Melania is not first and certainly not a lady…
5. Scrub the toilet – no Melania movie for me…
6. Watch grass grow – no Melania movie for me…
7. Watch paint dry – no Melania movie for me…
8. Shave my legs with a dull razor – no Melania movie for me…
9. Get a bikini wax – its less painful than Donnie Boys’ voice; Melania is not first and certainly not a lady…
10. Eat haggis – no Melania movie for me…
11. Get caught in the rain wearing my new suede coat and boots – no Melania movie for me…
12. Enjoy a peanut butter and kale sandwich – no Melania movie for me…
13. Fumigate – no Melania movie for me…
14. Have blood drawn – Melania is not first and certainly not a lady…
15. Break my favorite vase – no Melania movie for me…
16. Step on a Lego in stocking feet – no Melania movie for me…
17. Walk over glass barefoot – no Melania movie for me…
18. Clean the floor with my toothbrush – no Melania movie for me…
19. Slip in a mud puddle wearing an all white outfit – Melania is not first and certainly not a lady…
20. Pay bills – no Melania movie for me…
21. Drink warm Gatorade – no Melania movie for me…
22. Muck the stall of a horse with diarrhea – no Melania movie for me…
23. Eat a two month old tuna sandwich – no Melania movie for me…
24. Change a tire in a snow storm – Melania is not first and certainly not a lady…
25. Have 25 mosquito bites – no Melania movie for me…
26. Get a pelvic exam – no Melania movie for me…
27. Wash my hair with Mr. Clean – no Melania movie for me…
28. Listen to a grade school trumpet concert – at least the children are actually cute; no Melania movie for me…
29. Clean out the garage – Melania is not first and certainly not a lady…
30. Shovel the driveway while it is still snowing – no Melania movie for me…
31. Watch one of Ronald Reagan’s old movies – no Melania movie for me…
32. Fall in a deep hole – no Melania movie for me…
33. Swim in a pool with a floating swim diaper – no Melania movie for me…
34. Brush my teeth with lye soap – Melania is not first and certainly not a lady…
35. Drink bleach – oh wait, the Trumpster suggested this to prevent COVID; no Melania movie for me…
36. Pay tariffs – um well, we are doing this despite a Supreme Court order; no Melania movie for me…
37. Buy a timeshare – no Melania movie for me…
38. Break a heel off my most expensive pumps – no Melania movie for me…
39. Take out the trash – Melania is not first and certainly not a lady…
40. Listen to Karaoke on dollar shots night – no Melania movie for me…
41. Dump the contents of my purse in a mud puddle – no Melania movie for me…
42. Get the heel of my shoe caught in a subway grate – no Melania movie for me…
43. Have an impromptu Zoom meeting before my shower – no Melania movie for me…
44. Get permanent marker off my wood desk – Melania is not first and certainly not a lady…
45. Put a sweaty glass on my coffee table without a coaster – no Melania movie for me…
46. Take a Lysol bubble bath – no Melania movie for me…
47. Eat a GMO meal – no Melania movie for me…
48. Watch a horror movie – oh wait, the State of the Union is horror-ific; no Melania movie for me…
49. Listen to childish whining – oh wait, that is the same as watching anything MAGA; Melania is not first and certainly not a lady…

We considered canceling Prime Video when we got an email that it was being hosted on Prime…