Tag: Humor

Today’s Quotes & Other Shit

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Time we stopped and smiled

Today’s Quotes & Other Shit

 

by D. S. Mitchell

I don’t usually talk about my ‘personal’ (real) self, but I am going to reveal a couple of small clues by posting the two following quotes. I have no idea who to give credit to, other than Unknown. Somehow these two quotes came up within moments of me going on the internet this morning.

I have been doing some recent reflection on past behaviors, not all of which I am proud of, HOWEVER, there’s a whole lot of shit that I am damn proud of. With that said, here are the two quotes for 3/10/2021.

“I don’t have to attend every argument that I’m invited to.”  (Unknown)

“Love yourself first because that’s who you’ll be spending the rest of your life with.”  (Unknown)

Hugs,

DSM

 

https://www.calamitypolitics.com/2017/03/29/quotes-on-courage/

You Might Be a Woman of a Certain Age

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HUMOR: You Might Be a Woman of a Certain Age

Humor: A Woman of a certain age

HUMOR:

You Might Be a Woman of a Certain Age…

By Anna Hessel

Barbie Blast From The Past

Well, ladies, I’ve been thinking a lot about women of a certain age.  What if we had Barbies to represent our generation:

  • Woman of a Certain Age Barbie – comes with a portable fan, itsy-bitsy tweezers, wrinkle cream, fashionable bifocals, AARP card, and a Dream Condo in a senior high rise. Pull a string and she has a hot flash.  This Barbie sports a few gray hairs in her blond tresses, maybe some stretch marks, fine lines, plastic cellulite (perhaps includes a tiny loofah and CQ-10 cream?), and her tatas are a bit lower.  Silver Fox Ken with grey at the temples and a middle-age crisis convertible, sold separately…
  • Botox Barbie – nothing’s different, her expression is still frozen…
  • Direct Marketing Maven Barbie – comes with BB cream samples and a pink Cadillac…
  • Journalist Barbie – comes with a tiny newspaper, folded to her favorite writer (I wonder who that would be?)…
You Might Be a Woman of a Certain Age…

All this talk of dolls brings thoughts of youthful memories from back in the day…

  • If you can remember crisp brown plaid dresses with Peter Pan collars and decorative buttons, purchased specifically for the first day of classes, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you can remember black patent Mary Janes, complete with white lace trim socks, and the blisters that accompanied them, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you went back to school sporting a summer tan from laying out in the backyard, courtesy of baby oil mixed with iodine, sipping a Tab in a webbed lounge chair beside a boom box, hair highlighted by Sun In, featuring oversize Foster Grants, and a wicker tote bag filled with a splash bottle of Jean Nate, a strawberry-flavored Bonnie Bell Lip Smacker, and a striped beach towel (mine was pink and white), you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you faced the first day of high school attired in Sergio Valente jeans and a ruffled blouse, resplendent with Great Lash mascara, Candie’s clogs, and a mood ring, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you put away your white shoes and purses after Labor Day, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you own a Wonder Bra and wonder what to do with it, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you have ever thrown a Wonder Bra at Englebert Humperdinck or Tom Jones, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you can remember the television going off late at night to the playing of our national anthem, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you ever ironed your hair with a small appliance made for clothes, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you ever used a Maybelline Kissing Potion rollerball, bubble gum flavor, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you call your nail tech a manicurist, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you ever used Jolene bleach, shaved your legs with a Flicker, or wore pantyhose from an egg, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you ever did a basic set with pink sponge curlers, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know what Dippity Do did, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you ever wore strawberry or lemon perfume, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you ever wore a wide-legged jumpsuit with a puka shell necklace and platform shoes, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you own an original lava lamp and beaded curtain, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know what Mr. Whipple squeezed, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know that Charlie is a fragrance by Revlon, not just a faceless gentleman from a popular TV show about three angels, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know who the Tidy Bowl Man is, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you are of the opinion that Spanx is just another name for a girdle, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know who “Marsha Marsha Marsha” is, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you think regenerative hydration therapy serum is just a fancy name for a face cream, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you buy every wrinkle cream promising results in a week and you still look the same, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know who Bobby Sherman is, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you look forward to commercials featuring Tom Selleck and Joe Namath, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If your favorite TV shows have commercials for Medicare Advantage plans and you can remember when the episodes first aired, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you fall asleep during those commercials, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you call the paramedics and expect Bobby Sherman, Randy Mantooth, and Kevin Tighe to show up, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you think Rick Springfield, Henry Winkler, Billy Dee Williams, Danny Glover, Anson Williams, Billy Dean, Barry Williams, John Stamos, Erik Estrada, Patrick Stuart, Jeff Foxworthy, and President Biden are still sexy, you may be a woman of a certain age (and have excellent taste in real men)…
  • If your dream car is a Mercury Cougar or you just are a cougar, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If your idea of a wild Saturday night is a “Golden Girls” marathon, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know who Bobby Sherman is, you might be a woman of a certain age… (Did I already say this?)
  • If you need those designer Depends while reading this, you might be a woman of a certain age… (and I did my job right…)

Ladies of a certain age, we may forget where we left our car keys or grocery list, our eyebrows might be over-tweezed, our bottoms may be a bit lower, but we will always have unique style…

*I’d like to say a special thank you to my favorite comedian Jeff Foxworthy, who was the inspiration for this article.

https://www.calamitypolitics.com/2020/09/13/humor-abolishing-age-appropriate-attire/

 

 

HUMOR: 25 Reasons To Smile

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take a minute and enjoy 25 reasons to smile

HUMOR: 25 Reasons To Smile

By D.S. Mitchell

Back At the Computer

I am back at the computer making my second post to my Calamity Politics blog, today.  Before I started this blog, I worried that I wouldn’t have enough to scream about, but I’m finding that I could probably do half a dozen posts a day related to the misinformation flooding the ether.  But I thought, before I start my rant on the collapse of Western Civilization I should deliver something positive and uplifting.

So, dear hearts here are twenty-five things to make you smile:

  1. Touching toes in the sand
  2. Sunsets over water
  3. Wraparound sunglasses
  4. The Science channel
  5. Kite flying contests
  6. The Muppets
  7. Astronauts
  8. Blowing the wrapper off the straw
  9. Winning at Monopoly
  10. A dog’s cold nose on your hand
  11. Barhopping
  12. Old jeans that fit just right
  13. Your lover’s voice
  14. The clatter of skis being loaded
  15. The rumble of a train as it passes
  16. Walking in the rain
  17. The imagination of a six year old
  18. Margaritas at midnight
  19. Finishing the Sunday crossword without cheating
  20. A morning walk
  21. The smell of a new car
  22. Roller skating
  23. Your First grade teacher
  24. A sexy book
  25. Daddy’s smile

I know this Saturday distraction did little to take your mind off the continuing implosion of the Republican Party. My Lord, a large share of these folks sound totally crazy, out-and-out bigots, or radicalized MAGA’s. These people seized the capitol. They were incited for months by Donald Trump in his attempt to overturn an election he knew he had lost.  We watched it on television.  Convict the traitorous SOB. Sorry. I wanted to forget politics for a few minutes.

 

OPINION: Jonathan Pie Says Goodbye

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OPINION: Jonathan Pie Says Goodbye 

HUMOR:  Jonathan Pie Says Goodbye To Donald Trump

T.K. McNeil suggested this great Goodbye rant from YouTube by Jonathan Pie. Jonathan says everything I have ever thought about Donald Trump, plus some I never thought of. One hell of a rant. It is the best goodbye, good riddance speech you will ever hear. Check out Jonathan’s YouTube channel and subscribe. Enjoy. DSM

 

Twelve Days of Christmas COVID-19 Style

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Twelve Days of Christmas, COVID-19 Style

12 days of Christmas covid version

The Twelve Days of Christmas,

COVID-19 Style

By Anna Hessel

The First Day

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a tea tree oil hand sanitizer.

The Second Day

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: two rolls of two-ply toilet paper, and a tea tree oil hand sanitizer.

The Third Day

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: three French maids to disinfect my home, two rolls of two-ply, and a tea tree oil hand sanitizer.

The Fourth Day

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: four virtual video calls, three French maids, two rolls of two-ply, and a tea tree oil hand sanitizer.

The Fifth Day

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: five golden rings, because a girl must remain accessorized even in a pandemic; four virtual video calls, three French maids, two rolls of two-ply, and a tea tree oil hand sanitizer.

The Sixth Day

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: six sprays of Lysol, five golden rings, four virtual video calls, three French maids, two rolls of two-ply, and a tea tree oil hand sanitizer.

The Seventh Day

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: seven face masks embroidered with the different days of the week, six sprays of Lysol, five golden rings, four virtual video calls, three French maids, two rolls of two-ply, and a tea tree oil hand sanitizer.

The Eighth Day

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: eight more maids with disinfectant, seven days of face masks, six sprays of Lysol, five golden rings, four virtual video calls, three French maids, two rolls of two-ply, and a tea tree oil hand sanitizer.

The Ninth Day

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: nine ladies dancing six feet apart, eight more maids with disinfectant, seven days of face masks, six sprays of Lysol, five golden rings, four virtual video calls, three French maids, two rolls of two-ply, and a tea tree oil hand sanitizer.

The Tenth Day

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: ten lords social distancing, nine ladies dancing six feet apart, eight more maids with disinfectant, seven days of face masks, six sprays of Lysol, five golden rings, four virtual video calls, three French maids, two rolls of two-ply, and a tea tree oil hand sanitizer.

The Eleventh Day

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: eleven pipers piping on Zoom, ten lords social distancing, nine ladies dancing six feet apart, eight more maids with disinfectant, seven days of face masks, six sprays of Lysol, five golden rings, four virtual video calls, three French maids, two rolls of two-ply, and a tea tree oil hand sanitizer.

The Twelfth Day

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: $1200 stimulus check that was never from Donald Trump, eleven Zooming pipers, ten lords social distancing, nine ladies dancing six feet apart, eight more maids with disinfectant, seven days of face masks, six sprays of Lysol, five golden rings; four virtual video calls, three French maids, two rolls of two-ply, and a tea tree oil hand sanitizer.

God Bless and Wear Your Mask

Seasons greetings and happy holidays!  Wise men and women the globe over still seek peace.  May we never forget the reason we celebrate this season, and the good Lord’s present to us all.  May the coming year be better for humanity, with the gift of a Biden-Harris presidency.  God bless and don’t forget to wear your mask in public…

The “Real” Twelve Days of Christmas

WTF Moments

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I am still connected via media

Despite the government order to stay at home, I am still connected to the world via newspaper, wi-fi, streaming TV, Facebook, Twitter and cell phone.

WTF Moments

D. S. Mitchell

Staying Connected

Despite being on “stay home, stay safe” orders; I am still attached to the world via newspaper, cable television, Twitter, wi-fi and cell phone. Things are coming at me too fast and too furious for my liking. I am bobbing and weaving, when I should be writing, researching, petitioning and organizing.

Task Force

I watched the Trumpster conduct another overly long and contentious Coronavirus Task Force press briefing this afternoon. Trump, was arguing and fighting with the reporters. Insulting their race, their intent, and their talent. At one point, Trump pushed Dr. Fauci aside, telling a reporter to stop asking “the same question.”  “He’s answered that question, fifteen times.”

The Question

I read some place when you hire a clown, expect a circus..

A clever person once said, “elect a clown, expect a circus.”

The question reporters and the public keep asking is why is Trump touting the  unapproved anti-malarial medication, hydroxycloroquine for coronavirus treatment?  If these briefings were ever informative they have dissolved into what one reporter described as a “three-ring circus with Trump as the deranged ringmaster”. This is what happens when a narcissist takes over the government of a country.

Trump Circus

Watching the now daily Trump “circus” via television is like so many of those other WTF moments I’ve experienced during my life. I’ve thought how things, common things, deliver a “doesn’t that figure moment.” So, I decided that maybe, just for laughs, I should point out some of the those WTF moments. Here are a few that I came up with. I’m sure everyone has a list of their own.

Here’s Those WTF Moments:

  1. Having a bathroom so close to the living room that anybody sitting on my couch can hear my urine splashing in the toilet bowl.
  2. Knowing that I was doing 85 in a 70 mile per hour zone with no plausible or believable explanation.
  3. People whose only contribution to the political conversation is, “Lock her up.”
  4. Accidentally setting my alarm for 3 a.m. instead of 8 a.m.
  5. When the only thing in the fridge is a bottle of Perrier and two empty ice trays.
  6. Not finding toilet paper on three visits to the grocery store.
  7. Realizing that I am center brained.
  8. When some old lady yells at me from across the street, “Why don’t you get a job?”
  9. Finding out my significant other hid my birthday gift in the pocket of the old coat I packed up yesterday and sent to the Goodwill.
  10. A dog that only comes when it wants to.
  11. Having a strong physical attraction to John Heilemann and Steve Schmidt.
  12. Knowing that bullies are often financially successful, or sentenced to life plus 30 years.
  13. Trying to stop thinking about every word I said in that nasty argument.
  14. Realizing that I was in all black the last time I saw him, and all black again, today.
  15. When I start thinking about what I’ll have for lunch at 7 a.m.
  16. The last day of my vacation, getting grounded in Iceland and can’t return to the U.S. because the country has suspended flights from the UK.
  17. Knowing that “I don’t know,” is not an acceptable answer.
  18. Suddenly realizing who I am talking to on the phone, isn’t who I thought I was talking to.
  19. Saving 100’s of old decorating magazines, because I may decide to redecorate.
  20. Keeping a secret, only to find out that everybody else already knows the secret.
  21. Going to a movie made from a great book and after the showing wondering why someone wasted so much money to ruin something beautiful.
  22. Aware that serial murder guarantees instant fame.
  23. When Tonya Harding is the most famous person I’ve ever met.
  24. When my cell phone reception is so bad I have to hang out the dining room window to talk to my son fifteen miles away.
  25. Knowing that $20.00 won’t cover a 4 oz bottle of hand sanitizer.

Trump Crazy

My list of WTF moments are really just daily irritations and small injustices. Most are funny and a bit annoying, but not life threatening.  I wish I could say the same about what I am hearing come out of the mouth of Donald Trump. I am convinced more every day, that he is the most dangerous president we have ever had.

RESIST, it is more important today that ever before.

Some Days, You Just Gotta Smile

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Sometimes You Just Have To Smile

Some Days, You Just Gotta Smile

D. S. Mitchell

Shelter In Place

It is Tuesday morning and it looks like a perfect day. The clouds are white cotton balls hanging over a green ocean with cresting waves breaking gently against the sand. It does not seem to matter that I am currently “sheltered in place” because of the COVID-19 pandemic. I was thinking before I started writing this blog post that I should discard politics for a few minutes and look for as many reasons as I can to smile. Here is what I came up with:

Smile List

1.) Puppies and kittens  2.) A man in white T-shirt and faded jeans, that fit just right  3.) Hot, crispy french fries  4.) Beach bonfires w/friends  5.) Misty mornings  6.) My over-sized cat sleeping in the hanging fern  7.) Moonlight on water  8.) Old Godzilla movies at midnight  9.) Taking first place  10.) Tiny houses 11.) Wicker and lace  12.) Powdered doughnut holes with fresh perked coffee  13.) My  secret journal  14.) An old cabin in the woods  15.) A check at the mail box  16.) Giving the peace sign, not the middle finger  17.) A new toothbrush 18.) An old Marx Brothers comedy  19.) Triple layer chocolate fudge cake topped with chocolate and cherry cordial ice cream  20.) Snowmobile rides under a full moon  21.) Sweet dreams  22.) Back rubs 23.) The rhythmic click of a spinning fan  24.) Remembering Mama  25) Following a stone wall to its end 26.) Babies dressed in boots and jeans  27.) Snorkeling the Great Barrier Reef  28.) Machu Picchu  29.) Self-confidence  30.) The swooshing sound of corduroy on corduroy  31.) Toy Trains  32.) Cartwheels, somersaults, and hand stands on the front lawn  33.) Giant Tortoises  34.) Koi filled ponds  35.) Hot apple Empanadas  36.) Carte blanche  37.) Good posture  38.) A Denny’s breakfast of grease and goo  39.) Japanese lanterns floating on a breeze  40.) Twitter friends

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No matter what is happening in Washington D. C. today, I will smile. Join me daily on www.Calamitypolitics.com and Twitter @calamitypolitics, as I autopsy the headline political news, promised to be served with a generous side of sarcasm and a double order of cynicism. For dessert, I promise a big dish of hope. as I attempt to analyze and comment on the upside down world of U.S. politics.

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An Athlete’s View of the World

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An Athlete’s View of the World

By D.S. Mitchell

Another Bad Week

There is a looming recession.

When I woke up the stock market was in free fall. A one session drop of 2,997 is jaw dropping

I watched the Democratic debate Sunday night. Somewhere during the post-debate analysis I fell asleep. My eyes opened at 6:35 a.m. PST Monday morning, to the sound of MSNBC’s anchor Stephanie Ruhle’s voice. The stock market was in free fall. Down 1,200 points on the open. I shook my head, clearing the cobwebs. I reached for the volume button. After a minute my vision cleared and I saw the collapse in full color, in a few small numbers in the corner of the screen. I checked my cell phone, for messages. There were none. I turned back to the television, hypnotized. I didn’t want to miss a moment of the coming Armageddon.

A Perfect “10”

By afternoon the Trump administration was holding another press conference. During the briefing, Trump was still self-congratulating himself, patting himself on the back, time after time to the television audience. He in fact, announced he was giving himself a “10” for his presidential performance. “A perfect 10”.  OMG. I am having visions of the Jefferson Airplane classic, “White Rabbit.”

What a Bloodbath Looks Like

As Trump and his panel of experts closed the press briefing the stock market also closed. Today’s Dow drop of 2,997 was jaw dropping. A bloodbath. No other description necessary. To refresh your memory, when Trump was inaugurated on January 19, 2017 the DOW was at  19,804. On 2/16/2020 the Dow hit a record high of 29,551.  Today the Dow closed at 20,188. Trump has taken investor’s on a wild ride. Hang on because its likely to get rocky from here on out.

Monday Mourning

I am officially declaring, today as “Coronary Monday”.  It’s great sometimes, being the boss, even if it’s only me, and Hamlet, today. Thinking about political theory, political science, political reality, political bullshit, political incompetence can be a real downer. But, not TODAY! I refuse to let the real world penetrate my home isolation. So, brace your self. There will be no further political discussion. There will be no further analysis, there will be no relevant comment, other than what some crazy ass athletes once said:

Just for laughs.

Mike Tyson:  Responding to a question regarding his retirement plans to:  “Fade into Bolivian, I guess.”   Joe Theismann: “The term genius is inapplicable to anyone in this game.  A genius is Norman Einstein.”  Pedro Guerrero:  About his relationship with the press, “Sometimes they write what I say, not what I mean.”   Chuck Nevitt:  On why he appeared nervous:  “My sister is having a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an aunt or an uncle.”    Yogi Berra:  “It gets late early out here.”    George Foreman:  “There’s more to boxing than hitting.  There’s not getting hit, for instance.”   George Roberts:  “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”   Tug McGraw:  “Always root for the winner.  That way you won’t be disappointed.”    Don King:  He (Chavez) speaks English, Spanish, and he’s bilingual.”    Dizzy Dean:  The doctor X-rayed my head and found nothing.    Bill Cowher:  On whether the Steelers bent NFL regulations: “We’re not attempting to circumcise the rules.”

Thank you, Dr. Rod L. Evans, Ph.D. quotes taken from his book, Tyrannosaurus Lex. 

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VIRAL DECEPTION

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Viral Deception

By D. S. Mitchell

Viral Deception

An MSNBC pundit said on a Sunday morning news show that Fox News and Donald Trump were spreading disease.  In fact, she said, they were disseminating “viral deception,” or “VD” for short. I loved it. Associating the ‘fake news’ assertions of Fox News and Donald Trump to a sexually transmitted disease made me laugh.  The comparison was honest and appropriate. I hope it catches on.  The Fox News Network has lost significant viewership since the Trump inauguration.  Fox has jumped into the pool of Trump lies with both feet. I think Fox News is a danger to our democracy. Lies and distortion dished out every night must stop. I call on Fox to examine its coverage of the president. Time to move toward a more honest reflection of reality.

Moderated Outrage

Join me at Calamity News and Politics for coverage of the ongoing political outrage. CP is a progressive political blog published from the beautiful Oregon coast. We try to offer education, analysis, opinion and comment. Occasionally you may see a bit of humor. Health care, income inequality, social and judicial injustice and the Trump outrages are front burner issues.

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