You Might Just Be A Woman Of A Certain Age
You Might Just Be a Woman of a Certain Age
By Anna Hessel
If you have ever worn clip earrings, or even know what clip earrings are…you might be a woman of a certain age.
If your hairdo (or your boyfriend’s) was a party in the back and business in the front…
If you have ever done anything in a phone booth…
If you know what a phone booth is or what it has to do with Superman…
If you used Tickle deodorant…
If you have ever worn shoulder pads when not playing powder puff football…
If you have a landline, had a landline, or even know what a landline is…
If you had a Princess or Trimline phone…
If you ever used a phone book…
If you ever used a clothing iron or frozen orange juice cans to fix your hair…
If you ever drank Tab, or know what Tab is…
If you ever served a Swanson Pot Pie for dinner…
If you refer to Lean Cuisine or the like as a TV dinner…
If you ever wore sequin mesh boots from Desperately Seeking Susan…
If you saw Desperately Seeking Susan on opening weekend…
If you ever had a Bianca Blast or used a Maybelline Kissing Potion before a date…
If you even know what a Bianca Blast is…
If you got peanut butter in somebody’s chocolate, or vice versa…
if you remember Madge the manicurist…
If you know what a manicurist is…
If you ever had a glass or half-moon manicure…
If you used baby oil with iodine to get a tan…
If you ever smoked an Eve…
(please note, I am NOT advocating the iodine, baby oil, or the Eves!)
If you ever watched Murder She Wrote on Sunday nights…
If you recall original episodes of the Golden Girls – then you are one.
If you think Patrick Stewart, President Biden, Rick Springfield, and Jeff Foxworthy are sexy…
If you think Dark Brandon is as sexy as Sean Connery, Roger Moore (may they rest in peace), or Pierce Brosnan…
If you know the lyrics to “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy?”…
If you have trouble remembering what sexy is…
If your power workout included a ThighMaster and leg warmers…
If you ever wore a Miracle bra and maybe can use a miracle in that area now…
If you call your bra a brassière (or did)…
If you ever wore short shorts and Naired for short shorts…
If tweezers are one of your best buddies…
If you are a BFF of last Clairol…
If you don’t know what BFF means…
If you call Spanx a girdle…
If you ever wore a girdle…
If you spent Saturday afternoon cutting out newspaper coupons for double coupon days at the Piggly Wiggly or A&P…
If you even know what the A&P is…
If you have ever sat on a plastic covered sofa…
If you owned a plastic covered sofa…
If you watched the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson or Jay Leno…
If you know how to break dance but fear doing it could break something…
If you have ever worn a lampshade…
If you have ever had big beautiful hair…
If you now have a big beautiful behind…
If you know what Mr. Whipple squeezed…
If you remember what the original tube of Great Lash Mascara looked like…
If you remember Avon calling and “Look how good you look now”…
If you ever had a teensy lipstick tube sample…
If you ever redeemed S&H Green Stamps…
If you even know what S&H Green Stamps are…
If you know who Marcia, Marcia, Marcia is…
If you know “something suddenly came up” is not a sexual reference…
If you know who Flip Wilson and Geraldine are…
If you owned a pet rock not from your garden…
If you know who Jonathan Livingston Seagull is…
If you know who Mr. T is…
If you watched original episodes of Carol Burnett and Friends…
If you know what love’s got to do with it…(may she rest in peace)
If you played Monopoly at McDonald’s the first time…
If you ever played Menu Money Mania at McDonald’s…
If you know who Speedee was…
If you know who Speed Racer was (before there was a movie)…
If you used Tinkerbell Toiletries and wore baby doll pajamas…
If you ever wore Youth Dew perfume by Estee Lauder…
If you wore Chanel Number Five or Nineteen…
If you know what Chanel Number Five or Nineteen are…
If you love Jean Nate or Bonne Bell…
If you know who Jean Nate or Bonne Bell are…
If you ever wore Lip Smackers…
If you can recall all the Lip Smackers flavors….
If you used Ten-O-Six Lotion by Bonne Bell…
If you ever wore Eylure nails…
If you know who Mr. Bubble is and bathed with him…
If you ever used a beeper…
If you even know what a beeper is…
If you ever used a bag or a car phone…
If you know that a bag phone isn’t a cell in cute tote or purse…
If you know who was a little bit country and who was a little bit rock and roll…
If you and your poodle had the same hair do (or wished you did)…
If you know who “Hey, Hey” were…
If you know who the Sweathogs were…
If you ever sat on Santa’s knee wearing a tartan plaid dress with a Peter Pan collar…
If you ever let Creamy cream you…
If you ever used Jolene bleach…
If you ever used Dippity-do or Dep gel…
If you know that Banana Splits were not a sundae…
If you know the original Mystery Machine…
If you remember Cher with Sonny (may he rest in peace)…
If you loved the music of Steve and Edie…
If you even know who Steve and Edie are (may she rest in peace)…
If you know who Julie Budd is…
If you know who had the bubble machine…
If you ever listened to the champagne sounds of Lawrence Welk…
If you know what record album, cassette, or Compact Disc means…
If you ever saved anything to a floppy disc…
If you ever had a passbook savings or Christmas Club account…
If you remember the Sears Roebuck catalog
If you ever shopped in a Sears store…
If you ever ate at Woolworths restaurant or shopped in the store…
If you recall the original Orange Julius drinks…
If you ever wore a fall…
If you know what “me and my RC” means…
If you ever changed a typewriter ribbon…
If you even know what a typewriter is…
If your favorite show was Dragnet, Adam 12, or Emergency!…
If you know who Ponch is…
If you ever watched The Guiding Light…
If you know who Luke and Laura are…
If you remember who played Dr. Noah Drake on General Hospital…
If you know who shot J.R….
If you even know who J.R. is…
If you ever dreamt of Jeannie…
If you’re a Pepper or wanted to be a Pepper, too…
If you wanted to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony…
If you ever ate Wonder Bread sandwiches as a kid…
If you ever did the Time Warp or carried raw hotdogs to a theater in your purse…
If you know whose name says Merry Christmas…
If you know who Josephine the Plumber or Rosie the Riveter is…
If you ever wore a bathing cap with a rubber flower on the side…
If you even know what a bathing cap is…
If you took Home Ec in high school or junior high…
If you remember eating a fruit float…
If you wore a gym uniform…
If you were taught cursive, or took typing and short hand…
If you wore puka shells with a tye dye T-shirt and long denim skirt…
If you wore platform wedgies…
If you know what Candie’s are…
If you know who Sergio Valenti is…
You just might be a woman of a certain age.
