Category: Humor

HUMOR: Abolishing “Age Appropriate” Attire

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HUMOR: Abolishing “Age-Appropriate” Attire

By Anna Hessel

Looking Back

 I’ve been spending some time reflecting on 2020 – what a disaster!  I am, however, very proud of the fact that I kept almost all of my New Year’s resolutions so far for this year: to buy more shoes, drink more mocha lattes, and I certainly hope I was of service in some way to God and humanity.  I graciously invited Mr. Louboutin and Mr. Choo to join Mr. Blahnik in my closet.  I drank so many skim decaf black mocha lattes that both our local Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts have each dedicated a chair in my honor.  A pandemic summer without the pool is as good a time as any to reflect on old memories as we look forward to new ones.

Reality Check

One such memory came to mind when I was sorting through my brand-new shoe acquisitions.  This remembrance is from some years ago, when one of my all-time favorite cable television “reality” shows did a nationwide tour with a stop at a local area mall.  The program was TLC’s “What Not to Wear”; I still have a collection of old VHS tapes of numerous episodes from the show’s 10-year run.  From 2004 through 2013 (I began watching in the second season), I relied on style experts Clinton Kelly and Stacy London to educate, inform, and entertain, with realistic, thought-provoking, and sensible fashion advice.

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HUMOR: For Whom The Bell Tolls

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HUMOR: FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

“Calamity News and Politics believes in free speech no matter what your opinion. We however, do not think it is okay to threaten or insinuate harm to someone who disagrees with your opinion.  Stop bullies. Stand up for free speech.” (Editor: D. S. Mitchell) 

T.K. McNeil

For Whom the Bell Tolls

Death. One of the greatest fears in life. Though still not quite as much as public speaking. As Jerry Seinfeld pointed out, according to the statistics, more people would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy. Or, as another notorious brain box once said, “life is beautiful, death is peaceful, it is the transition that can be troublesome.”

When A Writer Gets A Death Threat

You might well be wondering why the change? When did Calamity’s resilient humorist switch over to gallows humor? First of all, it’s not recent (as my essay “Dark Candy” will attest). Second, I’ve had  reason to meditate on the dead recently. Introspection brought on by betting some very creative death threats.

Not What You Think

I am used to criticism. You have to be when you write for a living. You can’t appeal to everyone and that is fine. Even if they fall short of Dorothy Parker in terms of their retorts. Things go pear-shaped when criticisms and retorts are replaced by violence and threats. This is why death threats can be so effective. Just the threat of violence is often enough. The issuing of a Fwata can be as, if not more, effective than an assault with machine-guns. As happened to British Novelist Salman Rushdie and the Charlie Hebdo offices respectively. There are few faster ways to silence someone than threatening to do it permanently.

Trump Card

Political violence is nothing new. The majority of assassinations in the last century or so were of a distinctly political flavor. Even in the last few years things have been amping up. It has come to the point where there are fist-fights and machine-guns at political rallies. There are even fatalities. Such as the death of Heather Heyer in Charlottesville. Trump has made many changes to the national fabric. Making it dangerous to engage in political discourse is one of the worst.

Heathen!

Imagine my surprise when the messages wishing me fiery death and parking tickets came not from my copious political writings. What really ticked off the loonies was my writing on the more fringe aspects of culture. Particularly those dealing with religion as well as subject the religious think they have a right to weigh in on. I am not someone who can stand to see people getting kicked for no reason. An attitude which has seen me speak up on behalf of everyone from Wiccans to Metalheads to independent porn producers  and modern LaVeyan Satanists. The last of whose ideology is basically atheism with a floor show, which they will be the first to tell you. While I am sometimes rather critical of those who persecute such groups, my goal is always to foster greater empathy. Even for people you might think you have nothing in common with.

Can’t Type Straight

Yet this has somehow lead to me being labeled, let me check my notes here, a “satanic, sinful, goat-f**king, god-hating, misogynist, pro-free market, baby killing, apostate who will suffer the righteous wrath of the faithful before enduring the eternal fires of hell.” I would have sent a reply but I was laughing so hard I couldn’t type straight.

 

HUMOR: No Laughing Matter The Defamation of Clowns

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HUMOR: NO LAUGHING MATTER

The Defamation of Clowns

By I.B. Freely

Wokeness

“Representation.” A major buzzword in the modern media landscape. “Wokeness” has become the name of the game, with little resistance. Much like how Mussolini managed to take-over all of Italy without a shot being fired. Just marched in and took the seat of power. Looking very stylish while doing so.

Exceptions

Inclusion has become job one on film sets and at publishing houses.  Oppressed minorities fighting damaging stereotypes of the past. Ones which saw African-American actors not being  taken seriously until Sidney Poitier, except for the ones who were. Women didn’t have it much better, acting mostly as foils, motivation or “eye-candy.” Except for the ones who weren’t. Muslim thespians, meanwhile, are still dreamily  nostalgic for 1980s and early-1990s. When terrorist and villain roles were reserved for Brits, Germans, Russians, Irish Republicans and Jeremy Irons.

The Ignored

Despite the leaps and bounds made in terms of “representation”, there are still some crushed under the shiny, black jackboot of prejudice. Groups who even self-proclaimed liberals and SJWs (Social Justice Warriors) think absolutely nothing of mocking and vilifying. Only adding to the pain and violence visited upon the down-trodden and ignored.

Clowning

Once  a position of great respect, the vocation of clowning requires a post-secondary education to practice. The ancient vocation serving as the inspiration for one of opera’s most iconic roles. The truly tragic Pagliacci, defined in the 1980s by none other than Luciano Pavoratti. Ask your parents.

Not The Same

Sadly, the humble clown, who only ever wanted to make people happy, has plummeted in terms of social regard in recent centuries. Not only mocked, their name becoming a term of insult, it has become socially acceptable to portray members of the clowning community as the ultimate evil.

A Trend

While rarely recognized as such, the slanderous stereotype of “killer clowns” have been a horror staple since 1980s. Pennywise, the big bad in Stephen King’s novel It, is the granddad of the killer clown trope in horror. A trend continued in the 1988 “cult classic” Killer Klowns from Outer Space. A so-called “funny” horror film, which is really little more than vile, anti-clown propaganda from fade in to credits roll. Such foundations being the framework upon which everything from Halloween costumes to the crime against music known as The Insane Clown Posse are hung.

Culturally

The original “scary clown” archetype in popular culture, presenting the practitioners of the royal art as painted faced psychopaths, is The Joker. First appearing in Detective Comics (DC) in 1940, The Joker has developed into the most feared and hated character in modern culture. Presented evil as the night is long and twice as scary. Try that with any other recognized minority and just see how fast you get curb stomped in the metaphorical.

To The Rescue

There is hope however. A group of reasonable adults with no obsessive or reductive tendencies at all, no sirree bob, have formed the Organization for Representation of Clowns or O.R.C. Let us hope these brave freedom fighters can help address a grave crime against humanity that has gone on for far too long.

HUMOR: Doc Trump’s Traveling Medicine Show

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HUMOR: Doc Trump’s Traveling Medicine Show

HUMOR: DOC TRUMP’S TRAVELING MEDICINE SHOW

By I.B. Freely

Panacea

COVID-19 got you down? Worried about the long-term effects of the most toxic and contagious viral infection since Spanish Flu? Fear not citizen! Doc Trump’s Traveling Medicine Show has the cure for the most common ill of our age. And he should know, they don’t come much more common than frat-boy-in-chief.

A Spoonful of Toxin

Far beyond mere ‘science,’ this galaxy-brained very stable genius can know if a  treatment will work just by ‘feeling it.’ The pandemic will soon be a thing of the past. Even if Doc Trump has to poison half the population to reach this seemingly lofty goal, which is really no more than his god-like job’s worth. Besides which, as any Dread Pirate worth their cocaine powder knows, a little bit of poison helps build up immunity.

No, Really, Go Drink Bleach

Crowning the tippy, tippy top off Doc Trump’s list of brilliant, perfect, foolproof cures is humble bleach. It obviously kills bacteria, so it must utterly obliterate viruses, right? Viruses and bacteria are exactly the same thing, after all. Don’t let the biased infectious disease “experts” fool you. The skull and crossbones warnings jugs are really more of a guideline, than a hard and fast “truth.” It has even been promoted by a baptist preacher, a group known to have never lied or even exaggerated about anything at any point in the 6,000 year history of the earth, who was kind enough to give a demonstration on how to inject bleach up one’s nose.

Some Light On the Matter

Imbibing cleaning products not your thing? The quacks are all agreed that the use of ultraviolet light is an effective treatment for COVID-19. The only real stumbling block is that said light would have to to be used on the molecular level. The president said it on TV so it must be true. Never mind that he has been caught in upwards of 20,000 lies in the last four years. Criticizing a president for dishonesty is like chastising an assassin for a lack of empathy.

Science, I Guess

For the superstitious types who will insist on having some ‘scientific evidence’ behind their miracles, Doc Trump has you covered as well. Whole heartedly supporting a wonder drug known as Hydroxycloroquine. A real actual, malarial drug, the name of which only sounds like a fatally toxic aquarium cleaner. So read the labels carefully, as the drug in its proper form poses absolutely not health repercussions or draw-backs whatsoever. Aside from the occasional fatal massive heart-attack. Then again, the higher the death rate from heart-attack and accidental poisoning the lower the COVID infection rate will be. A result  sure to landslide the smartest man in the world right back into the Oval Office. Not that has anything to do with the price of coke in Columbia.

All Natural$

Natural remedies are also very important when it comes to battling COVID-19. Doc Trump’s Traveling Medicine Show is in full support of making the magical plant Oleandrin widely available as a health supplement. As well as pushing the FDA to officially name it a cure for COVID-19. The fact that the plant in question is so toxic that a single leaf can send a rottweiler to join the Choir Invisible is just a technicality. As no doubt stated by MyPillow.com founder Mike Lindell during the White House meeting he was granted. The fact that Lindell was fined $1,000,000 for false health health claims regarding his pillow notwithstanding. Perhaps they could suggest cyanide or night shade next.

 

HUMOR: He Who Laughs Last

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Donald Trump brings little intentional humor, but a whole lot of unintended laughs and gaffs

HUMOR: He Who Laughs Last

By Trevor K. McNeil

A Mystery Wrapped In An Enigma

There are mysteries that have yet to be revealed to mere mortals. Like, how do they get the caramel in the Cadbury Caramilk bar?  Or, how much wood would, indeed, a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck, could, in fact, chuck wood? Another mystery of gargantuan proportions, is how someone as unabashedly baffoonish and obscenely unqualified as Donald J. Trump, could be elected to the highest office in the land. “Leader of the Free-World” a bit too arrogant and, well, bullshit, to be taken seriously. There are many theories. Some crack cocaine nonsense, while others more reality-based; though the reality may be much stranger than anyone ever suspected.

An Honest Man

If you ask a Trump supporter why they like him, they are likely to say some version of “he’s a great businessman” despite him having gone through bankruptcy six times. Or, perhaps, “he’s an honest man in a den of thieves,” despite Trump agreeing to pay 25 million dollars to plaintiffs for seemingly illegal activities in the Trump University case. Common sense seems to have no effect on the electorate when it comes to Donald Trump. He has become a joke, and the joke seems to be on the United States. But who cares, at least he’s not a politician. The general distrust of “establishment politicians” goes back to the founding of America. Even George Washington, the pillar of Americana, as blasphemous as it may now seem, was often lambasted during his life. The cartoonists of his time, choosing to point their poisoned pens at him as often as at any other mortal man.

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WTF Moments

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I am still connected via media

Despite the government order to stay at home, I am still connected to the world via newspaper, wi-fi, streaming TV, Facebook, Twitter and cell phone.

WTF Moments

D. S. Mitchell

Staying Connected

Despite being on “stay home, stay safe” orders; I am still attached to the world via newspaper, cable television, Twitter, wi-fi and cell phone. Things are coming at me too fast and too furious for my liking. I am bobbing and weaving, when I should be writing, researching, petitioning and organizing.

Task Force

I watched the Trumpster conduct another overly long and contentious Coronavirus Task Force press briefing this afternoon. Trump, was arguing and fighting with the reporters. Insulting their race, their intent, and their talent. At one point, Trump pushed Dr. Fauci aside, telling a reporter to stop asking “the same question.”  “He’s answered that question, fifteen times.”

The Question

I read some place when you hire a clown, expect a circus..

A clever person once said, “elect a clown, expect a circus.”

The question reporters and the public keep asking is why is Trump touting the  unapproved anti-malarial medication, hydroxycloroquine for coronavirus treatment?  If these briefings were ever informative they have dissolved into what one reporter described as a “three-ring circus with Trump as the deranged ringmaster”. This is what happens when a narcissist takes over the government of a country.

Trump Circus

Watching the now daily Trump “circus” via television is like so many of those other WTF moments I’ve experienced during my life. I’ve thought how things, common things, deliver a “doesn’t that figure moment.” So, I decided that maybe, just for laughs, I should point out some of the those WTF moments. Here are a few that I came up with. I’m sure everyone has a list of their own.

Here’s Those WTF Moments:

  1. Having a bathroom so close to the living room that anybody sitting on my couch can hear my urine splashing in the toilet bowl.
  2. Knowing that I was doing 85 in a 70 mile per hour zone with no plausible or believable explanation.
  3. People whose only contribution to the political conversation is, “Lock her up.”
  4. Accidentally setting my alarm for 3 a.m. instead of 8 a.m.
  5. When the only thing in the fridge is a bottle of Perrier and two empty ice trays.
  6. Not finding toilet paper on three visits to the grocery store.
  7. Realizing that I am center brained.
  8. When some old lady yells at me from across the street, “Why don’t you get a job?”
  9. Finding out my significant other hid my birthday gift in the pocket of the old coat I packed up yesterday and sent to the Goodwill.
  10. A dog that only comes when it wants to.
  11. Having a strong physical attraction to John Heilemann and Steve Schmidt.
  12. Knowing that bullies are often financially successful, or sentenced to life plus 30 years.
  13. Trying to stop thinking about every word I said in that nasty argument.
  14. Realizing that I was in all black the last time I saw him, and all black again, today.
  15. When I start thinking about what I’ll have for lunch at 7 a.m.
  16. The last day of my vacation, getting grounded in Iceland and can’t return to the U.S. because the country has suspended flights from the UK.
  17. Knowing that “I don’t know,” is not an acceptable answer.
  18. Suddenly realizing who I am talking to on the phone, isn’t who I thought I was talking to.
  19. Saving 100’s of old decorating magazines, because I may decide to redecorate.
  20. Keeping a secret, only to find out that everybody else already knows the secret.
  21. Going to a movie made from a great book and after the showing wondering why someone wasted so much money to ruin something beautiful.
  22. Aware that serial murder guarantees instant fame.
  23. When Tonya Harding is the most famous person I’ve ever met.
  24. When my cell phone reception is so bad I have to hang out the dining room window to talk to my son fifteen miles away.
  25. Knowing that $20.00 won’t cover a 4 oz bottle of hand sanitizer.

Trump Crazy

My list of WTF moments are really just daily irritations and small injustices. Most are funny and a bit annoying, but not life threatening.  I wish I could say the same about what I am hearing come out of the mouth of Donald Trump. I am convinced more every day, that he is the most dangerous president we have ever had.

RESIST, it is more important today that ever before.

Taking A Trivia Break

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Taking A Trivia Break

This rusty bucket can be put to good use.

There are times that I want to put a bucket over Donald Trump’s head just to shut out the noise.

Taking A Trivia Break 

D. S. Mitchell

COVID-19 Briefings

I have watched Trump’s Coronavirus Task Force briefings for the last three weeks or four weeks. I think the first one I watched was on March 10th. For some reason they just keep getting longer and more ridiculous. Over the last week I have gotten in the habit of turning off the volume when I see that Trump is about to start talking. Truthfully, every time he opens his mouth I can’t shut off the volume fast enough.

Find A Bucket

Yesterday, I watched the briefing without turning off the volume. I have no idea what I was thinking. While the CDC is now recommending that citizens wear face coverings, to protect others, Trump says he will not be wearing one. As usual, Trump has totally missed the point of the face covering. He went on a rant about the ‘resolute desk’ and then said he “couldn’t see himself wearing a mask”, while he was meeting, “kings, queens, and dictators”. I don’t know how those world leaders feel, but I know I would like to see him shut up and put a bucket over his head.

YouTube Training

Trump obviously thinks more of a photo-op than the safety and well-being of those he is coming in contact with. He however continued, that those who want to wear a face mask are free to do so. Leadership at its worst, and most dangerous. I will be wearing a facial covering, because I want to protect people I may come in contact with. Many of those people are relatives and friends that I love and want to safeguard.

A Chinese Suggestion

This  week I have been on YouTube learning how to make masks out of men’s handkerchiefs. I have practiced how to make those face coverings, and although I’m a bit clumsy, I think I’ve got it. Some suggest placing  a section of paper towel in between the layers of your homemade masks. I will do that also. It is such an easy extra step. Whatever the experts tell me to do, I will do. I was an RN for nearly 40 years. I take the advice of  medical professionals seriously. RT’s (respiratory therapists), doctors and other nurses’ advice is usually pretty damn good.

A Blogger’s Life

The focus of my blog is the American political system. The blogger’s life is a good life, most of the time. There are times however, when U.S. politics and political rhetoric saps a person’s patience and energy. Currently, I am outraged that Donald Trump is using the Coronavirus Task Force briefings to promote his own political interest. Political spin is not appropriate at this moment. I hope that television outlets begin to give Democratic front-runner Joe Biden more TV time.

Even Today

Today, I am taking a break from politics to think about something else for a few minutes. I know that Trump will soon hijack the airwaves, with another   briefing.  I’m just going to take a deep breath, and try to keep a positive frame of mind. As a distraction for myself this morning, I began compiling a few interesting trivia facts about America. Enjoy. Continue reading

Some Days, You Just Gotta Smile

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Sometimes You Just Have To Smile

Some Days, You Just Gotta Smile

D. S. Mitchell

Shelter In Place

It is Tuesday morning and it looks like a perfect day. The clouds are white cotton balls hanging over a green ocean with cresting waves breaking gently against the sand. It does not seem to matter that I am currently “sheltered in place” because of the COVID-19 pandemic. I was thinking before I started writing this blog post that I should discard politics for a few minutes and look for as many reasons as I can to smile. Here is what I came up with:

Smile List

1.) Puppies and kittens  2.) A man in white T-shirt and faded jeans, that fit just right  3.) Hot, crispy french fries  4.) Beach bonfires w/friends  5.) Misty mornings  6.) My over-sized cat sleeping in the hanging fern  7.) Moonlight on water  8.) Old Godzilla movies at midnight  9.) Taking first place  10.) Tiny houses 11.) Wicker and lace  12.) Powdered doughnut holes with fresh perked coffee  13.) My  secret journal  14.) An old cabin in the woods  15.) A check at the mail box  16.) Giving the peace sign, not the middle finger  17.) A new toothbrush 18.) An old Marx Brothers comedy  19.) Triple layer chocolate fudge cake topped with chocolate and cherry cordial ice cream  20.) Snowmobile rides under a full moon  21.) Sweet dreams  22.) Back rubs 23.) The rhythmic click of a spinning fan  24.) Remembering Mama  25) Following a stone wall to its end 26.) Babies dressed in boots and jeans  27.) Snorkeling the Great Barrier Reef  28.) Machu Picchu  29.) Self-confidence  30.) The swooshing sound of corduroy on corduroy  31.) Toy Trains  32.) Cartwheels, somersaults, and hand stands on the front lawn  33.) Giant Tortoises  34.) Koi filled ponds  35.) Hot apple Empanadas  36.) Carte blanche  37.) Good posture  38.) A Denny’s breakfast of grease and goo  39.) Japanese lanterns floating on a breeze  40.) Twitter friends

Visit Me

No matter what is happening in Washington D. C. today, I will smile. Join me daily on www.Calamitypolitics.com and Twitter @calamitypolitics, as I autopsy the headline political news, promised to be served with a generous side of sarcasm and a double order of cynicism. For dessert, I promise a big dish of hope. as I attempt to analyze and comment on the upside down world of U.S. politics.

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An Athlete’s View of the World

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An Athlete’s View of the World

By D.S. Mitchell

Another Bad Week

There is a looming recession.

When I woke up the stock market was in free fall. A one session drop of 2,997 is jaw dropping

I watched the Democratic debate Sunday night. Somewhere during the post-debate analysis I fell asleep. My eyes opened at 6:35 a.m. PST Monday morning, to the sound of MSNBC’s anchor Stephanie Ruhle’s voice. The stock market was in free fall. Down 1,200 points on the open. I shook my head, clearing the cobwebs. I reached for the volume button. After a minute my vision cleared and I saw the collapse in full color, in a few small numbers in the corner of the screen. I checked my cell phone, for messages. There were none. I turned back to the television, hypnotized. I didn’t want to miss a moment of the coming Armageddon.

A Perfect “10”

By afternoon the Trump administration was holding another press conference. During the briefing, Trump was still self-congratulating himself, patting himself on the back, time after time to the television audience. He in fact, announced he was giving himself a “10” for his presidential performance. “A perfect 10”.  OMG. I am having visions of the Jefferson Airplane classic, “White Rabbit.”

What a Bloodbath Looks Like

As Trump and his panel of experts closed the press briefing the stock market also closed. Today’s Dow drop of 2,997 was jaw dropping. A bloodbath. No other description necessary. To refresh your memory, when Trump was inaugurated on January 19, 2017 the DOW was at  19,804. On 2/16/2020 the Dow hit a record high of 29,551.  Today the Dow closed at 20,188. Trump has taken investor’s on a wild ride. Hang on because its likely to get rocky from here on out.

Monday Mourning

I am officially declaring, today as “Coronary Monday”.  It’s great sometimes, being the boss, even if it’s only me, and Hamlet, today. Thinking about political theory, political science, political reality, political bullshit, political incompetence can be a real downer. But, not TODAY! I refuse to let the real world penetrate my home isolation. So, brace your self. There will be no further political discussion. There will be no further analysis, there will be no relevant comment, other than what some crazy ass athletes once said:

Just for laughs.

Mike Tyson:  Responding to a question regarding his retirement plans to:  “Fade into Bolivian, I guess.”   Joe Theismann: “The term genius is inapplicable to anyone in this game.  A genius is Norman Einstein.”  Pedro Guerrero:  About his relationship with the press, “Sometimes they write what I say, not what I mean.”   Chuck Nevitt:  On why he appeared nervous:  “My sister is having a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an aunt or an uncle.”    Yogi Berra:  “It gets late early out here.”    George Foreman:  “There’s more to boxing than hitting.  There’s not getting hit, for instance.”   George Roberts:  “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”   Tug McGraw:  “Always root for the winner.  That way you won’t be disappointed.”    Don King:  He (Chavez) speaks English, Spanish, and he’s bilingual.”    Dizzy Dean:  The doctor X-rayed my head and found nothing.    Bill Cowher:  On whether the Steelers bent NFL regulations: “We’re not attempting to circumcise the rules.”

Thank you, Dr. Rod L. Evans, Ph.D. quotes taken from his book, Tyrannosaurus Lex. 

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