Category: Humor

Cosmo Comes Calling

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Cosmo Comes CallingIntroducing Cosmos. The talkative crow from Oregon.

Cosmo Comes Calling

Oregon State Police called in on a foul mouthed crow 

By D. S. Mitchell

Down State Noise
Normally, the goings on in Grant’s Pass, Oregon, never gain the attention of the big city folks of Portland, Seattle, or San Fran.   Last week however, we here on the west coast got a bit of a smile as we learned about the antics of a rogue, rough talking, four letter word tossing, crow.  You read that right.  A crow. As the story goes, out of the blue a friendly, albeit attention seeking crow, showed up in town.  According to reports the first place the crow was spotted was on top of the Planet Fitness building, where he would talk to people entering and exiting the facility. Drawing both laughter and a raised finger or two.
Moving On
Apparently dissatisfied with the Planet Fitness digs our talkative and colorfully articulate bird looked around for friendlier faces.  He seemed to find what he was looking for when he found the Allen Dale Elementary School in late November.  It didn’t take long before he was the resident mascot. The news became public when Naomi Imel, an assistant at the school called in the story to the Oregonian on 12/09/2021. Lizzie  Acker 503-221-8052, lacker@Oregonian.com was the featured reporter who followed up on the feathered friend story.

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Women Of A Certain Age

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Women Of A Certain Age

We are Survivors of a hell of a lot. . . .

Women of a Certain Age, are survivors

Women Of A Certain Age

We are Survivors

By Anna Hessel

We Survived 

4 years of “The Donald”. Shoulder pads. Bouffant hair. Bodysuits that snapped down there. Mullets. We survived 45. Eighties fashions; including spandex and neon. Girdles that were never Spanx. Fighting for the ERA – we continue to survive this one. Thigh cream. Trump “presidency.” Platform shoes. Bell bottom pants that did nothing for our bottoms.

Nair For Short Shorts

Short shorts themselves. We survived 45 (and I’m not talking about the age…). Push up bras – some of us are still surviving this one. Aerobics classes at the ladies gym in brightly colored leg warmers. Jelly sandals. Ironing our hair with clothing irons. “That” administration. Velcro hair rollers (I actually still use mine!). Setting our hair on orange juice cans. Class photos, precursor to drivers license photos. Drinking from the garden hose.

The Trumpster

Suntans courtesy of baby oil and iodine with no SPF in sight. Junior High, High School, and College. Many of us survived childbirth, terrible twos, and raising teenagers. Gym class in uniforms that resembled prison garb. “Agent Orange.”  Powder Puff football games. Cheerleading skirts. Pageants with swimsuit competitions. Bridesmaid dresses. Rotary dial phones. Land lines. Twenty-six foot telephone cords. Beepers, and pay phones. Polyester pantsuits. 4 years of “The Family”. Paisley floral prints. Granny boots with ruffled dresses.

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Happy Halloween!

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Happy Halloween!

Halloween is about candy, fun and costumes.

Happy Halloween!

It’s That Time of Year…

By Anna Hessel

All About Pumpkin Spice

Happy Halloween, everyone!  The pandemic has changed how we celebrate, but it’s fun to remember Halloweens gone by, while dreaming up ways to make new memories.  The crisp fall air, bright and vivid autumn colors, and everything, from facial wash to floor polish, going all pumpkin spice, makes me think of Halloween. Chocolate, candy apples, and costumes, every child’s dream.  The crowning of our newest Miss America made me recall a particular Halloween costume of my youth.

A Mask of a Different Kind

Unlike the very cool Halloween ensembles we now see displayed in retail establishments, when I was child, costumes were different.  They came in a square box with a cellophane window and consisted of a one-piece garment made of a flimsy, shiny nylon, and a full face, molded plastic mask with cutouts for eyes, nostrils, and mouth.  Those masks were quite like a sauna for the face – those of us that have reached a certain age can remember that sweaty-faced feeling that came with wearing one of those frightful false faces.

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Today’s Quotes & Other Shit

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Time we stopped and smiled

Today’s Quotes & Other Shit

 

by D. S. Mitchell

I don’t usually talk about my ‘personal’ (real) self, but I am going to reveal a couple of small clues by posting the two following quotes. I have no idea who to give credit to, other than Unknown. Somehow these two quotes came up within moments of me going on the internet this morning.

I have been doing some recent reflection on past behaviors, not all of which I am proud of, HOWEVER, there’s a whole lot of shit that I am damn proud of. With that said, here are the two quotes for 3/10/2021.

“I don’t have to attend every argument that I’m invited to.”  (Unknown)

“Love yourself first because that’s who you’ll be spending the rest of your life with.”  (Unknown)

Hugs,

DSM

 

https://www.calamitypolitics.com/2017/03/29/quotes-on-courage/

31 Things To Make You Smile

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31 Things To Make You Smile

Things to make you smile

31 Things To Make You Smile

By D. S. Mitchell

Thank you, for visiting Calamity Politics, where we normally feed our reader’s the unadulterated red meat of liberal political news. But today, I am having one of my, “not today,” moments.

Ha, ha. Because it’s Monday, I changed my usual Sunday offering of “25 Things To Smile About” to “31 Things To Smile About” for today only.

1.) Parades

2.) Cannon Beach, Oregon

3.) Fresh baked Molasses cookies

4.) Music boxes

5.) Being on time.

6.) Deep sea fishing

7.) Introverts Anonymous

8.) Old time rock ‘n roll

9.) Big trees

10.) Being appreciated

11.) Hand embroidered 501’s

12.) Penguins, walking

13.) Herb gardens

14.) Chess

15.) Having my taxes finished by April 15th

16.) Double Caramel Mocha espresso

17.) Kayaking

18.) David Bowie

19.) The journey

20.) Oven fries

21.) Summer Solstice

22.) A plan

23.) The beach, after Memorial Day

24.) Rock walls

25.) Tile roofs

26.) High School

27.) Portland’s Old Town

28.) Food, Views and Piano at The Bridgewater Bistro, Astoria, Oregon

29.) Chips & dip

30.) The quiet, before the storm

31.) New York Times Sunday edition

That’s it.

Enjoy your Monday.

https://www.calamitypolitics.com/2017/11/19/27-reasons-smile/

 

You Might Be a Woman of a Certain Age

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HUMOR: You Might Be a Woman of a Certain Age

Humor: A Woman of a certain age

HUMOR:

You Might Be a Woman of a Certain Age…

By Anna Hessel

Barbie Blast From The Past

Well, ladies, I’ve been thinking a lot about women of a certain age.  What if we had Barbies to represent our generation:

  • Woman of a Certain Age Barbie – comes with a portable fan, itsy-bitsy tweezers, wrinkle cream, fashionable bifocals, AARP card, and a Dream Condo in a senior high rise. Pull a string and she has a hot flash.  This Barbie sports a few gray hairs in her blond tresses, maybe some stretch marks, fine lines, plastic cellulite (perhaps includes a tiny loofah and CQ-10 cream?), and her tatas are a bit lower.  Silver Fox Ken with grey at the temples and a middle-age crisis convertible, sold separately…
  • Botox Barbie – nothing’s different, her expression is still frozen…
  • Direct Marketing Maven Barbie – comes with BB cream samples and a pink Cadillac…
  • Journalist Barbie – comes with a tiny newspaper, folded to her favorite writer (I wonder who that would be?)…
You Might Be a Woman of a Certain Age…

All this talk of dolls brings thoughts of youthful memories from back in the day…

  • If you can remember crisp brown plaid dresses with Peter Pan collars and decorative buttons, purchased specifically for the first day of classes, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you can remember black patent Mary Janes, complete with white lace trim socks, and the blisters that accompanied them, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you went back to school sporting a summer tan from laying out in the backyard, courtesy of baby oil mixed with iodine, sipping a Tab in a webbed lounge chair beside a boom box, hair highlighted by Sun In, featuring oversize Foster Grants, and a wicker tote bag filled with a splash bottle of Jean Nate, a strawberry-flavored Bonnie Bell Lip Smacker, and a striped beach towel (mine was pink and white), you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you faced the first day of high school attired in Sergio Valente jeans and a ruffled blouse, resplendent with Great Lash mascara, Candie’s clogs, and a mood ring, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you put away your white shoes and purses after Labor Day, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you own a Wonder Bra and wonder what to do with it, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you have ever thrown a Wonder Bra at Englebert Humperdinck or Tom Jones, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you can remember the television going off late at night to the playing of our national anthem, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you ever ironed your hair with a small appliance made for clothes, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you ever used a Maybelline Kissing Potion rollerball, bubble gum flavor, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you call your nail tech a manicurist, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you ever used Jolene bleach, shaved your legs with a Flicker, or wore pantyhose from an egg, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you ever did a basic set with pink sponge curlers, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know what Dippity Do did, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you ever wore strawberry or lemon perfume, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you ever wore a wide-legged jumpsuit with a puka shell necklace and platform shoes, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you own an original lava lamp and beaded curtain, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know what Mr. Whipple squeezed, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know that Charlie is a fragrance by Revlon, not just a faceless gentleman from a popular TV show about three angels, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know who the Tidy Bowl Man is, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you are of the opinion that Spanx is just another name for a girdle, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know who “Marsha Marsha Marsha” is, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you think regenerative hydration therapy serum is just a fancy name for a face cream, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you buy every wrinkle cream promising results in a week and you still look the same, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know who Bobby Sherman is, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you look forward to commercials featuring Tom Selleck and Joe Namath, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If your favorite TV shows have commercials for Medicare Advantage plans and you can remember when the episodes first aired, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you fall asleep during those commercials, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you call the paramedics and expect Bobby Sherman, Randy Mantooth, and Kevin Tighe to show up, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you think Rick Springfield, Henry Winkler, Billy Dee Williams, Danny Glover, Anson Williams, Billy Dean, Barry Williams, John Stamos, Erik Estrada, Patrick Stuart, Jeff Foxworthy, and President Biden are still sexy, you may be a woman of a certain age (and have excellent taste in real men)…
  • If your dream car is a Mercury Cougar or you just are a cougar, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If your idea of a wild Saturday night is a “Golden Girls” marathon, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  • If you know who Bobby Sherman is, you might be a woman of a certain age… (Did I already say this?)
  • If you need those designer Depends while reading this, you might be a woman of a certain age… (and I did my job right…)

Ladies of a certain age, we may forget where we left our car keys or grocery list, our eyebrows might be over-tweezed, our bottoms may be a bit lower, but we will always have unique style…

*I’d like to say a special thank you to my favorite comedian Jeff Foxworthy, who was the inspiration for this article.

https://www.calamitypolitics.com/2020/09/13/humor-abolishing-age-appropriate-attire/

 

 

Benefits Of Working From Home

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There are numerous financial benefits from working from home

Benefits Of Remote Work

D. S. Mitchell

Pandemic Adjustments

The vision of going to work has changed for many of us during the COVID-19 pandemic. Working from home may continue for many workers as we move out of the pandemic and back to normalcy. A Harvard Business School study reported that more than one third of the companies surveyed believed that post-pandemic work environment will include an increase in remote work.

Savings Coming

The shift to at-home work can have long term positive financial advantages. Such possible benefits could include such things as:

  1. Reduced transportation costs. Over even a short time you can spend a lot of money commuting back and forth to the work place. The average commuter typically spends $2,000 to $5,000 annually. This includes gas, car maintenance, public transportation costs and other related costs according to the U.S. Census Bureau.
  2. Lower insurance premiums. Auto insurance premiums are partially based on miles driven. If you no longer travel from home to work and back again you should potentially save money.
  3. Lower lunch costs. Eating at restaurants, or visiting coffee shops while at work can add up fast. It is easy to imagine saving $50 to $100 per week by working from home.
  4. Lower clothing costs. I’m not suggesting you work in your skivvies but there are definitely ways to relax your wardrobe when working from home. Not to mention reducing laundry and dry cleaning expenses.
  5. Lower child care costs. Child care costs can be high. Working from home should reduce those expenses dramatically.
  6. Increased time. Working from home can save hours of time spent on the bus, train, subway or in your car. Spend it recklessly or wisely it’s your choice, but working from home should give you more of it.

It is not hard to imagine saving as much as $5,000 each year by working from home. If this new phenomenon becomes the norm you should think about saving or investing this potential windfall.  Edward Jones suggests two possibilities to make the most of this extra money. One, build an emergency fund containing at least one year of emergency cash. Two, an IRA or a similar employer-sponsored plan could provide an approximate $97,000 ($2,500) to $200,000 ($5,000) after 20 years at 6% interest.

https://www.calamitypolitics.com/2019/10/16/energy-saving-tips-that-cost-nothing/

 

HUMOR: Valentine’s Day

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Valentine’s Day Humor

Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love

Valentine’s Day Humor

By Anna Hessel

The Wonder Years

The cold days of February bring thoughts of one of my favorite holidays, Valentine’s Day.  Some of my fondest memories involve Valentine’s fun.  We all remember when we were growing up getting those tiny Valentines in their little white envelopes placed in a big wooden box on the teacher’s desk.  Each year my miniature Valentines had a different theme: puppies, kittens, Barbie, and of course, princess.  My earliest Valentine’s memory is my kindergarten campaign to provide trousers for that little guy with the bow and arrow, since it was cold outside.   Those timeless teddy bears with pink and red bows, and heart-shaped boxes of candy covered in ruffles, bring back many teenage memories.

Flying Hearts ACA

Of course, I have a few specific Valentine’s memories: one in particular was actually after Valentine’s Day: I snatched up all the clearance conversation Sweetheart candies as I had just won the Miss American Sweetheart Pageant, and decided tossing boxes of stale Sweethearts during summer parades was a classy thing to do – this idea was short-lived, however, thanks to that guy on the corner with the sunglasses on his head.  I’m still amazed at how far a pair of shades can travel when they come in contact with an airborne box of conversation hearts.

Gourmet Jewelry

My favorite Valentine’s memory was when my husband and I were found by an adorable black terrier in our condo parking lot on a particularly cold Valentine’s Day.  We named him Cupid, and he was a part of our family for over 17 years.  In more recent times, Valentine’s Day has been celebrated by my spouse’s penchant for hiding expensive jewelry in food.  My first diamond cocktail ring arrived in a dish of carrots because it was a “1 carat” ring.  My engagement ring was presented, much to the delight of the charming waitress at Red Lobster, in a plate of mussels – my husband’s theory was since pearls come in oysters, diamonds can come in mussels.

Ladyfingers

Another diamond ring embedded in Tiramisu (ladyfingers…) appeared at our favorite Italian restaurant.  A sapphire ring came atop a cupcake; my diamond and sapphire wedding set was encased in a miniature pink gumball machine.  Hmm, I wonder what I’ll find topping our heart-shaped pizza this year (hint, hint…).  Fortunately, I never broke a tooth on or ingested any of these gifts so I don’t have any trips to the emergency room stories to share.

Can He Take a Hint?

Now if your significant other isn’t a foodie romantic, and you don’t receive bracelets or earrings in side dishes or desserts, then perhaps a few well-placed hints will get you the goodies you desire this Valentine’s Day.  If you do seek something sparkly, put a jewelry catalog in his toolbox.  Or if you’re like me, a gift certificate for a mani-pedi is a perfect present – I suggest placing a flyer from your favorite salon in his sock drawer.

Don’t Forget The TV Remote

If a romantic dinner is on your wish list, wrap coupons from a favorite place to dine out around a six-pack of beer and secure it with a pink ribbon.  My personal favorite hint, sure to work every time, is to tape a business card from the local flower shop on the TV remote control – he’ll never miss that.  No matter how you end up celebrating, may your Valentine’s Day be blessed with style…