Category: Humor

No Worries. Are You Kidding Me?

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No Worries. Are You Kidding Me?

 

Worry is my middle name and I have good reason to be worried

No Worries. Are You Kidding Me?

By D. S. Mitchell

 

Closet Worrier

I never considered myself a worrier; however I have  probably always been a closet worrier. I was the one that would call twice to confirm a reservation and of course I made sure that we always took two of everything (just in case). Now that I’m an elder, and retired, I have found an abundant amount of time to worry and an endless supply of issues to worry about. I have thrown off my shackles and emerged into the light as an admitted worrier.

Growing Louder

What used to be occasional whispers in my busy working mind have grown louder now that I am free of the time clock. I worry about the mutating COVID virus, and do I need another booster? I worry that I forgot to rotate my tires at 5,000 miles. When did I last check the air pressure, I fret. Did I remember to send my forever best friend from high school a card on her birthday? Then there’s climate change, and the rising ocean levels, Russian aggression in the Ukraine, the rape and murder of Israelis on 10/7,  the death of 33,000 Palestinian civilians in Gaza. And we can’t forget the threat of nukes in space, the Chinese on Mars, the speeding up of the Jet Streams, an alien invasion, an AI takeover, nuclear war, and the possibility of an asteroid impact. And what about all those conspiracy theories; are they all wrong; or just partly wrong? Will we ever find Jimmy Hoffa’s bones?

Did You Hear?

Did you see that there was a massive die off of honeybees in the United States in 2023, killing over 51% of the honeybee hives. Furthermore, in case you missed it on the news, the biggest iceberg in history is now floating somewhere in the open ocean south of Australia. I have at my disposal an endless spool of worry; replaying events over-and-over in my head; each exchanging their places in turn, as I worry about each new threat.

I Love Joe

I have recently begun transferring all of these concerns to an off planet storage facility-I think its called the cloud. I want to have plenty of space in my head for election year worries. Don’t misunderstand; there isn’t a single day that goes by that Joe Biden doesn’t prove he’s a better man than Donald Trump ever thought of being. Not one day of Donald Trump’s life, has he ever thought of anyone but himself. As General John Kelly confirmed, Trump “is the most flawed person (I’ve) ever met.” Unfortunately, for the United States, Trump is once again being allowed to run for president; and with the Electoral College system he could easily win.

Not Long Ago

There was a time in the recent past when a candidate for the highest office in our land was not a criminal, a grifter, or wanna-be tyrant; that was of course before Donald Trump came on the scene. Since Trump’s  emergence as a right wing demagogue he has been setting law breaking records; amazing even those who know him best. I realize there are many in the electorate who may have forgotten the list of outrages this one man crime wave has committed. For those amnesic individuals I offer Seth Meyers.

Early to Bed, Ready to Worry

I go to bed early, so, sadly, I miss all the late night comedy shows. But, this is 21st century America and I have YouTube. A recent Seth Meyer’s monologue turned up the heat on my worr-ia-tor. Listen folks, a quick review of the recent past is reason enough to worry about what criminal tactics Trump will use to guarantee his winning the 2024 election. That’s right, folks, I truly believe Trump and his crime associates will try to once again overthrow an election. That would be two in a row. The loss of public morality is shocking and should be a worry for all of us who haven’t been drinking the Kool-Aid or who aren’t looking for a Mango Mussolini to worship.

Seth Meyers Made a List

After coming out on top as the presumptive Republican nominee for president Trump was eviscerated by Late Night host, Seth Meyers. In a near two minute opening monologue, Meyers reeled off a list of outrageous things Donald Trump has done, or has been accused of doing.  Here in Seth’s own words: “Presumptive GOP nominee for president, again, for a third time, despite the fact he is a twice-impeached, four-time criminally indicted and racist who’s been found liable for fraud and sexual abuse. Banned from doing business in the state of New York for three years. Owes over half a billion dollars in fines and judgments. Took millions from foreign governments while he was president. Tried to extort a foreign country to interfere in the 2016 election and encouraged another to help him win in 2020.”

No Stopping Him

Meyers, however, did not stop there. Trump “actively undermined our nation’s response to a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic and let a deadly disease spiral out of control. (He) is about to go on trial for breaking campaign finance laws by paying hush money to cover up an affair during the 2016 campaign. He orchestrated a months-long coup attempt that culminated in a violent insurrection to disrupt the peaceful transfer of power and install him as an unelected dictator. (Trump) stole classified documents and obstructed attempts to get them back. (The man) has never won the popular vote and has been routinely rejected by a majority of Americans in election after election.”

There’s More?

At this point you may think Meyers had covered it all, but that’s when he reminds us of many other bizarre Trump moments. Meyers called Trump “the single weirdest, most off-putting human being on the face of the f****** planet. Trump spews deranged conspiracy theories about everything from climate change to immigration, from vaccines to windmills. Stumbles on three syllable words, two-syllable words and one-syllable words, cheats at golf, calls our dead soldiers suckers and losers, forgets who he’s running against.” At this point, Seth brings up a screen in the studio displaying  examples of Trump’s spelling errors.  “(He) can’t spell his own name, his wife’s name (or even remember it), the words “indicted,” “education,” “unprecedented,” stolen,” “Denmark,” “Kentucky” or “tap,” all spelled wrong, and many more.

Gamer Vocabulary

Myer’s summed up Trump in the following manner, “I’m sorry, but this guy is not a real person, he’s a glitching, (stumbling) NPC from a video game,” Meyers declared. **For the non-gamers out there; Seth’s reference to “NPC” (“Non-Player Character”) is used by him as a metaphor to describe someone he perceives as lacking independent thought.

 

Its Disgusting and Shocking

I worry that any group of people that would support a criminal and insurrectionist as their presidential candidate are likely to break any and all laws to get him back into the White House. Perhaps even “terminate the Constitution.” Bad actors, like Iran, Russia, China, and North Korea are lining up to run misinformation campaigns against Biden and the Dems. Sounds like criminals and thugs sticking together. The fact that the Republican Party is willing to hand over power to a man of  such obvious low character as Donald Trump is both outrageous, and demoralizing. Make no mistake the GOP will be running a ‘dictator for life’ candidate not a presidential candidate.

****

If you want to see the original Seth Meyers rant go to YouTube and put in Trump crimes-Seth Meyers on the search bar and you can watch Seth eviscerate Trump in a two minute rant. Everything he says is alarming and we should all be worried as hell.

A Trunk of Trump Junk

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A Trunk of Trump Junk…

Donald Trump seems to have an endless number of items he likes to attach his name to. Here are a few parody samples

A Trunk of Trump Junk

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel and Wes 

China Sin-drone

Until Donald Trump no other presidential candidate or former “head” of state has ever hawked made-in-China, dime store quality, over priced rubbish.  For starters, we’ve got the Trumpy Bear, the MAGA hat, a Chia pet, and My Pillow. On this next one my dog would lift his leg: the ugliest gold high top never surrender sneakers ever created. I’m surprised there is no fake vomit or whoopee cushions in this collection of no-class trash. For those who missed it on The View, Rita Moreno made us all smile when she described a Trump sandwich, seen on a menu at a New York City deli: two slices of white bread (presumably all crust and likely stale), full of baloney, with a very small pickle; darn, it ruins gherkins for me. In case, Trump needs some ideas for a new grift product; I’ve come up with at least 36 ideas for Trump merchandise (with a smidge of input from the spouse…)

36 Ideas For Trump Merchandise

  1. A Trump mug shot, with double bonus autographed photos of Kid Rock and Roseanne Barr.
  2. MAGA hair tonic – turns hair neon orange while destroying any remaining brain cells Trumpsters might have.
  3. Putin’s Puppet – Trump on a string.
  4. Melania Botox in a box – you too can look like a washed up plastic Hustler centerfold.
  5. Melania Barbie – NOPE. NO WAY, NO HOW. (after all, Mattel has excellent taste – they brought us the Barbie movie-and decades of fantastic characters (toys).
  6. Grumpy Trumpy doll – voodoo perhaps…
  7. The Donald Disinfectant spray for when you grab ’em by the p—-.
  8. Big Mac erasers – I was just wondering if we could erase his face?
  9. American History for Dummies book.
  10. Trump motion lotion – just ewwwwww…
  11. Box set of The Apprentice on VHS.
  12. Trump toupee – it speaks for itself, complimentary mango orange tan cream included.
  13. Robe and slippers from Trump Hotel – likely made by child labor…per Melania’s instructions.
  14. Trump face dart board – now this I would buy; bullseye!
  15. “Steal the Election Game” – because it never happened in real life.
  16. Recording of “Fail to the Chief” – this should include a bonus track of the late Helen Reddy’s “Ain’t no Way to Treat a Lady” and “I am Woman” (hear me roar…)
  17. Revolutionary War-era airport parking permit.
  18. Trump kitty litter – because he is full of it.
  19. Trump Bobble-head toilet bowl brush – enough said…
  20. Trump toilet paper – maybe not, don’t want it touching my rear end.
  21. Trump deodorant – because he stinks.
  22. Poster of all American Presidents photos with a question mark in 45’s slot.
  23. Trump Troll doll.
  24. Trumpy election flask – because you have to be drunk to vote for him.
  25. Trump orange suit – for that matchy, matchy look…I understand there are matching sandals.
  26. Trump-monopoly – go straight to jail, do not pass go.
  27. Trump hemorrhoid cream – because, some have said, he is a significant pain in the rump.
  28. Humpty Trumpty puzzle – sat on a wall, had a great fall, and all the king’s men would not put him back together again (my spouse commented that this isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and he wouldn’t shell out for it).
  29. Interchangeable photo cube – choose the faith of the book he carries upside down, outside of a house of worship he never attends.
  30. Well, there is no way we can produce a Trump pet rock because his followers would throw them at the Capitol building.
  31. MAGA mixed nuts gift pack.
  32. An inflatable life-size Trumpy – pull his string and the government shuts down.
  33. This year instead of a Vote for Trump yard sign-go all in with his new twelve foot tall inflatable Trump balloon; great for your front yard.
  34. Trump’s Chumps T-shirt (my husband came up with this one).
  35. Melania ball and chain silver plated jewelry set.
  36. President Biden doll pushing a dumpster containing all this garbage…

 

 

Animal Witticisms

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Animal Witticisms

Some of the funnies road signs can be found at veterinary offices.

Animal Witticisms

Editor: Alexis de Tocqueville came to America from France in 1831. He was a young, wealthy, aristocrat, budding writer, social observer, and philosopher. He went on to author one of the most definitive studies of America and her people ever written, “Democracy in America.” While touring the young country, he noted numerous uniquely American traits; two carry-overs from those long ago times were, the “intent self-interest” of the average American, and secondly, that Americans are “not a happy lot.” Well, that reassures me; nothing much has changed in the last nearly 200 years. Americans do however, have witty road signs to change that scowl to a smile. Here we go:

 

By D.S. Mitchell

Silly Road Signs

  1. Holly Ridge Veterinary Hospital: I used a spot remover on my dog . . . .  He disappeared.
  2. Highland Road Animal Hospital: My alarm doesn’t have a snooze button . . . .  It has paws.
  3. Grants Pass Vet Clinic: Someone made a joke about my three-legged cat . . . .  Major faux paw.
  4. Washoe County Veterinary Services: Against animal testing. They get nervous and mark all the answers wrong!
  5. Portland Veterinary Clinic: Q: What animal has more lives than a cat?  A: Frogs, they croak every night!
  6. St. Joe’s Veterinary Hospital: Free belly rubs with each exam . . . . Sorry, pets only!
  7. Carroll County Veterinary Clinic: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to see it . . . you can bet a chihuahua 500 miles away will bark at it.
  8. Seaside Animal Clinic: Our dog swallowed a bag of scrabble tiles . . . . the vet is checking him out, no word yet!
  9. Sandy Animal Clinic: Why was the cat sitting on the computer? . . . .  To keep an eye on the mouse!
  10. Warrenton Veterinary Hospital: For a man to truly understand rejection . . . . he must first own a cat.
  11. Astoria Paw and Claws: Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle? . . . .Too many cheetahs.

Well folks, enough of that shit. Have a great day. Be glad you’re an American. We may have our problems, but we’ve got the veterinarians to keep us smiling.

Woo and Small Talk Can Improve Your Life

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Brief, pleasant exchanges with people will enhance your mood and elevate your sense of well-being

How Woo and Small Talk Can Improve Your Life

“There are no strangers here, only friends I haven’t met yet.” WB Yeats

By D.S. Mitchell

I Have a Friend

My friend Dave was blessed with an abundance of WOO. People endowed with WOO enjoy the process of connecting with new people, and in turn helping people connect with one another. WOO is an acronym for Winning Others Over. My friend gets all happy faced when he meets someone new and makes a connection with them.  He loves the challenge of breaking the ice and starting a conversation with anybody, anywhere, at seemingly any time; whether its the guy next to us at the ball game or the plumber fixing our clogged drain. Dave needs to make that human connection. I, on the other hand, am not so inclined, but after 40 years of friendship, Dave has taught me a few things about meeting new people and actually enjoying the benefits of small talk.

Not So Social

Don’t get me wrong; I’m definitely not shy, but I am an only child, raised by older parents; and sometimes considered “quiet.” I tend to hold back, getting a measure  or ‘feel’ of the situation; waiting for someone else to initiate the conversation. As I have learned from Dave, that is unacceptable in the world of WOO. In fact, it’s taken time, but Dave has proven to me over and over again; that a brief conversation with someone unknown to me or barely known to me, can boost my energy level, enhance my mood, and keep me smiling for hours. Small talk, he swears  contributes to a sense of community-a sense of belonging, a sense of well-being, and most importantly it gives us a sense of connection to the world around us-it proves we are alive and functioning.

Maximizing the Benefits

“People like you a lot more than you think they do,” Dave tells me.  “Maybe so, maybe not,” I say with a pout. “Keep talking,” being his primary advice, “talk to anybody within the sound of your voice,” he laughs. “We all have that little negative voice in our head, telling us to hide in the corner, but don’t do it! You’ve got WOO just decide to use it,” he encourages me.

Ahead of the Scientists

As it turns out, Dave may be way ahead of the science. I have read, only recently, that conversing with a wide variety of people as often as you can will maximize your happiness. Really? How so, I ask. According to recent studies, scientists have learned that chatting with co-workers, the barista at Starbucks, the Uber driver, a fellow dog walker, the person ahead of you at the pharmacy, can maximize those benefits of improved mood, and zest for life, I mentioned earlier.

Brevity Embraced

The word is out, there is a hell of a lot of benefit from multiple brief conversations during the day. Stopping to tell your neighbor about your poor tomato crop, or bringing up last night’s Trailblazer game with your mail carrier can, according to new theory, be part of what makes us thrive. Those seemingly insignificant daily encounters apparently provide important psychological and physical benefits. So, it sounds pretty easy, no long night deep dives into our psyche with our best bud, but rather multiple daily interactions of reaching out and sharing tiny moments of human contact is basic to human happiness.

Small Talk

David loves the challenge of meeting new people and has devised numerous devices to initiate small talk. I truly believe he  could walk into any gathering and feel at ease engaging with anyone in the crowd whether that’s Joe Biden or the college kid down the street. He just knows what to do or say, and he brings a visible energy to his interactions. He’s a practitioner of the old adage, “There are no strangers, only friends I haven’t met yet.” (William Butler Yeats)

Lessons He’s Taught Me

Lesson #1 You’re circling the punch bowl at your neighbor’s 25th anniversary party and you spot someone you want to engage with. The fact that you are both at the party gives you obvious background  information. So you might ask your target, “Are you friend or family?” Or, “How do you know the happy couple?” “I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Dar.”

Lesson #2 If you notice someone wearing a gorgeous outfit or a striking piece of jewelry tell them how much you like the item. Don’t be surprised if your compliment elicits the story of how they came into possession of said item(s). People love talking to people that approve of them in some way.

Lesson #3 Conversational land mines are everywhere so stay away from the big 4; religion, politics, work, and relationship status. Imagine yourself at a college mixer, try something like, “What do you do for fun when you’re not studying?”

Lesson #4 Don’t short change people conversationally. If someone asks how its going, don’t limit your response to one or two words, but instead give them a thread, that if they want to continue to chat, they have some material to work with. You might say, “I’m doing great. I’m volunteering at Habitat for Humanity and it just gives me an awesome sense of pride. Every day I wake up invigorated. How about you?”

Lesson #5 Sometimes, the conversation simply dries up, but exiting the conversation with grace may seem more difficult than it truly is. The best escape technique, according to Dave, is to introduce the person you’ve been speaking with to someone new, and then excuse yourself, “to find our hostess.”

Conclusion

You don’t need to fully embrace Woo to benefit from many of its practices. Brief, pleasant exchanges with people you don’t know or barely know can enhance happiness, mood, energy, and overall satisfaction with life.  A willingness to meet new people (no matter how briefly) and engage in some small conversation is guaranteed to improve both your physical and mental health. So, go ahead, I give you permission to initiate a conversation in the check out line at Walmart. As an older adult female I suggest that you initiate conversations with women with small dogs or small children. I’m not suggesting anything other than you don’t want to give a strange guy the wrong idea. Other than that grandmotherly caution; socialize away.

You Might Just Be a Woman of a Certain Age

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You Might Just Be a Woman of a Certain Age – Again…

If you remember seeing this baby new, you are a woman of a certain age

You Might Just Be a Women of a Certain Age – Again…

Editor: Our society loves giving descriptive monikers to the various generational age groups. The beginning of the 20th century gave us the Greatest Generation (1901-1924), and the Silent Generation (1925-1945). most representatives of these two age cohorts have now passed. Currently, the largest age group in the United States are the Baby Boomers; Boomers I (born between 1946-1954) and Boomers 2, sometimes known as ‘Generation Jones’ (born between 1955-1964). After the boomers came the Gen X’ers (born between 1965-1979), the Millennials (born between 1980-1994), Generation Z (born between 1995-2010), and finally Generation Alpha (born between 2010 and 2025). Every generation has its unique memories, see if any of Cate’s memories trigger a smile.  

By Cate Rees-Hessel

  1. If you have ever had a Lilt home permanent…you might be a woman of a certain age.
  2. If you used Bonnie Bell Ten-O-Six lotion as a teenager…
  3. If you know what Ten-O-Six lotion actually is…
  4. If you have spun the bottle…
  5. If you know why the bottle spins…
  6. If you played post office at a party, long before DeJoy played with the post office…
  7. If you used a clothes iron on your hair and still have hair…
  8. If you ever Naired for short shorts…
  9. If you wore double belts, shoulder pads, or cloisonné earrings…
  10. If you still rock big hair and tweeze your eyebrows…
  11. If you have had a half moon or glass manicure…
  12. If you know what a half moon or glass manicure is…
  13. If you remember Perry Mason’s first case…
  14. If you played the game “Dream Date” and got the dud…
  15. If you think Patrick Stuart is sexy…
  16. If you think Eric Estrada is sexy…
  17. If you think Rick Springfield is sexy…
  18. 18. If you think President Biden is sexy…
  19. If your workout routine involved a shaker weight or a ThighMaster (RIP Suzanne Summers)…
  20. If you owned a Fonzie pillowcase…
  21. If you know who the Fonz is…
  22. If you know who the Bay City Rollers were…
  23. If you have put a tiger in your tank…
  24. If you know what TV show had a dog named Tiger…
  25. If you know who Sam the butcher was…
  26. If you watched the pilot for Murder She Wrote when it first aired…
  27. If your Velcro rollers got stuck in your Dippity-do hair style…
  28. If you own multiple sets of hot rollers…
  29. If you own pink sponge curlers…
  30. If you know what curlers are…
  31. If Lady Clairol is an old friend…
  32. If you ever used Freeze hairspray but now use Biofreeze…
  33. If you know the lyrics to the song that starts out “There She Is”…
  34. If you know who Bert Parks was…
  35. If you gave it a ten because you could dance to it…
  36. If you still have a tube of Great Lash mascara in your purse…
  37. If you knew Morris the cat when he was a kitten…
  38. If you refer to fat-free milk as skim milk…
  39. If you refer to Spanx as a girdle…
  40. If you refer to your bra as a brassière…
  41. If your sports car wore a bra…
  42. If your first car was T-bird…
  43. If you had “fun, fun, fun” until your daddy took it away…
  44. If you take a Jell-O mold to every potluck you attend…
  45. If you took home economics in high school…Home what you ask?
  46. If your high school high score earned you a Betty Crocker pin…
  47. If you ever received a Betty Crocker Home Legion pin for your distinguished service in homemaking…
  48. If you know Tickle deodorant came in citrus, herbal, floral and unscented…
  49. If you used Tickle unscented so it didn’t clash with your strawberry perfume…
  50. If you used Tickle unscented because it clashed with your sweet Honesty perfume…
  51. If you knew Connie Sellecca was the official spokesperson for Tickle deodorant…
  52. If you’re tickled pink at my mention of Tickle deodorant…
  53. If you refer to sex as a pickle tickle…
  54. If you don’t understand why it’s called pickle ball…
  55. If you refer to blush as rouge…
  56. If you own a teasing comb…
  57. If you ever ratted your hair…
  58. If you know where Gidget went…
  59. If you ever watched the Mike Douglas show and knew who his co-hosts were…

If 59 is your actual age, or you’re in the neighborhood, you are a woman of a certain age…

Food For Thought-The Valentine’s Edition

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Food for Thought – the Valentine’s Edition

 

Food for Thought-the Valentine’s Edition

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

I (Heart) Ketchup

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! Most of us are seeing all things red and, of course, pink. All this thought of red makes me think about my favorite condiment: ketchup (NOT catsup). My other half was quite upset when I put ketchup on his white truffle fries. Since I originally hail from the Steel City, the home of Heinz, I put ketchup on just about everything. You can take the girl out of Pittsburgh, but you can’t take the Pittsburgh out of the girl. I love many brands but good ol’ Heinz is my favorite.

Seeing Red

My spouse is from the Chicago suburbs, and didn’t understand ketchup on eggs, steak, potatoes, beef, pork, etc. – things we don’t eat much of but when we do, requires the red stuff. In the nearly three decades I’ve lived in Chicagoland, I have yet to understand Chicago hot dogs: bright green relish and, gasp, no ketchup. I’ve been known to sneak a few contraband packets into Gene and Jude’s. I recall a barbeque at the home of my husband’s relatives. I searched for my favorite elixir and then I saw it, nestled amongst the questionable condiments, turned a paltry brown with age. I was forced to use barbeque sauce on my burger; now, I’m not bashing BBQ sauce – it’s great on chicken and ribs – but for a burger or a hot dog, I love me some Heinz.

And Again…

Another cookout some months later at the same household brought forth the same ancient bottle of antiquated ketchup. As I reached for the steak sauce, I made a mental note to decline further invitations to dine at the house of these folks. Perhaps a nice Heinz gift basket with a double-volume set on entertaining etiquette and food safety would make a lovely Christmas gift for the residents of that domicile. At least there was nothing pumpkin spice served, but how I longed for ketchup, vibrant red, sweet and spicy like me.

It’s No Truffle, Really

In my opinion, truffles should be chocolate, but for V-Day, must we “trufflize”?  Nobody knows the truffles I’ve seen while researching to write this: salted caramel truffles, dark chocolate ganache truffles, lavender chocolate truffles, fudgy brownie truffles, applesauce truffles, cookie dough truffles, strawberry shortcake truffles, cake batter truffles, S’mores truffles, pink champagne truffles (I’ll take one of those), huckleberry jelly truffles, buttercream frosting truffles, French vanilla bean truffles, green gumdrop truffles, salted mango truffles, lemon/lime truffles, Tamarind truffles, rum raisin truffles, hollandaise truffles, cherry cola truffles, banana split truffles, blueberry cheesecake truffles, pecan pie truffles, chocolate milkshake truffles, tangerine truffles, green tea truffles, passionfruit truffles, orange Jello truffles, peanut butter and jelly truffles, rhubarb truffles, jelly bean truffles, mocha latte truffles (I’ll have two of those), the dreaded pumpkin spice truffles, and just in time for your Valentine, Love Bug truffles.  I ask you, what happened to Whitman’s Sampler, or the Hershey’s Pot of Gold?

All That Glitters

As long as my chocolate confections come with a little something sparkly, I’m happy.  My husband is big on placing jewelry in food. – nothing says romance like a cracked molar and expensive dental work.  I am a simple kind of girl – give me some plain ol’ chocolates in a velvet heart-shaped box with a big ribbon and an even bigger diamond, then I am content.  This year, however, we are dressing up and going to a fancy restaurant for truffle oil pasta and mushrooms, poached salmon with white truffles, and black truffle risotto, because we got style…

Reasons Republicans Keep Voting For Trump

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41 Reasons Republicans Vote For Trump

 

Trump followers recognize Donald's special talents

41 Reasons Republicans Vote For Trump

It’s Because He’s Exceptional, Of Course. He Just Keeps Amazing America and the World. Just Check Out These 40 Memorable Trump Moments and Then You Might Understand The Devotion of His Followers.

 

By David Shadrick

Over the last weekend, I spent some time thinking about the many reasons why Republicans keep voting for Donald Trump. I realized that many liberals may not understand the phenomenon; so I thought it might be a good time to highlight some of Trump’s special moments. Each MAGA follower has a different reason for their allegiance; below is a list of just a few reasons that will cause Republicans, to once again vote for their favorite Mango Mussolini:

  1. Missile defense systems go ding, ding, ding,  woosh-boom
  2. Trump being able to pinpoint the importance of the Revolutionary War patriots capturing the airports from the redcoats when the rest of the world missed it.
  3. His soaring confidence on daily display. Today, Trump said he was sure to beat Barack Obama this time. Full faith assault from the Trumpster.
  4. Public faith in Trump’s promise that he is the only one that can prevent World War 2.
  5. His fevered commitment to re-institute the search for Hillary’s missing server.
  6. His undisputed Poster Boy status for the white Christian supremacist movement. He ascended to that position after claiming white supremacists were very fine people at a rally where a young woman was  killed by a white supremacist. The level of disgust is immeasurable; I guess that’s why his faithful love it.
  7. Donald’s phenomenal ability to conceal the purpose of his strange island escapes with kinky Jeffrey Epstein.
  8. His standout performance in managing to bankrupt his Atlantic City casino. I have to admit this one took real talent and perseverance and I might add a lot of criminal activity. Go Donald.
  9. The little known fact is that if Trump had invested the $480 million he got from daddy back in the 80’s instead of ripping off average folks with fraudulent schemes, he would actually be as wealthy as he now falsely claims he is. So I assume the voting factor here is that he has an amazing talent for spending other people’s money.
  10. Trump must be a great business man and negotiator, his followers argue, wasn’t he sharp enough to convince a judge that he should only have to pay $25 million to settle the Trump University students claims of fraud? Is that what it means to be a “stable genius?”
  11. Watching the amazing feat of converting his original White House staff and cabinet members (all Republicans) into whistleblowers and book authors. Our heads are still spinning over that incredible result; one best seller after another, a feat to remain unduplicated in our life times.
  12. Republicans apparently delight in Trump’s cheap shots and insulting nicknames tossed at those who oppose him or just a powerless person like Ruby Freeman. Laughing at other people is MAGA escapism.
  13. His decision to fire Alexander Vindman’s twin brother Yevgeny from the administration, because he looked like his whistleblowing brother. More praise for the king-god being able to get a two-for-one termination.
  14. Having the guts to appear everyday, out walking around in public, in stage makeup.
  15. Again, brave enough to face the cameras with open suit jacket unable to conceal his plate of pancakes six pack.
  16. His near limitless ability to self promote; creating a notorious braggart of immeasurable proportions. Size matters, at least in some things.
  17. Man, woman, TV, refrigerator, elephant.
  18. His habit of talking when the helicopter blades are turning.
  19. Recognizes friendly admirers in a crowd and has an elevated ability to seek out softball questions.
  20. Famous for his golden toilets. I’ve wondered if this isn’t some form of compensation? Maybe we should ask a Republican what it is about gold toilets that make people think Donald is cool, rather than weird.
  21. Staying in the golden touch department. Trump has elevated McDonald’s to White House cuisine.
  22. Trump is such a Diet Coke fan that he had a button installed on his White House desk to order them express. Now, that is ingenious. Maybe I am not showing enough respect for his inventive spirit.
  23. Trump’s revered place in the WWE pro wrestling Hall of Fame. Certainly a first for an American president. Another first place. They just keep adding up, I have to admit it.
  24. Back to compensation, according to stormy Daniels Trump has an exceedingly small penis with a peculiar mushroom top. I’m not sure why that would encourage the vote, but in some depths of the Republican Party there is; I’m sure, empathy for the poor man.
  25. Managing the news so adroitly that his former “attorney/fixer”, Michael Cohen, was sent to prison for three years for election fraud done for Donald Trump’s benefit.
  26. Totally destroying Rudy Giuliani, “America’s Mayor’s” reputation in record setting time. One record setting event, after another. Amazing. Go Donald.
  27. His immense capacity to hate; the depth and breadth of it is unsurpassed in modern politics.
  28. Trump’s  ability to call our dead soldiers “suckers” and the military “a failure of liberal woke-ness” and still get most of the military votes. Astounding, you got this one, Donald.
  29. There’s been a lot of discussion of a recent diagnosis of Cranial Rectal Inversion Syndrome, that  may possibly bring out the sympathy vote. We’ll have to wait on this one, unprecedented, I must say.
  30. Trump and MAGA have taken over the American flag as its political symbol, as if liberals were not patriotic; and boy, oh boy, are the Republicans giddy over that accomplishment.
  31. Then there’s Trump’s unrestrained enthusiasm at the possibility of shooting migrants as they attempt to cross our southern border.
  32. His ability to demand that we “build a wall” in every recorded speech, without missing once, for nearly a decade. How does he do it?
  33. Pride in Trump’s ability to uncover treatments for COVID; such as exposing the inside of the body to light, or that unimaginable idea (prior to Donald, that is) of injecting bleach directly into the blood stream. An amazing research scientist, so ahead of his time, all without education. His natural powers of deduction far surpassing the Fauci crowd.
  34. Without any meteorological training Trump attempted to predict the path of Hurricane Dorian. No other president has drawn with a black sharpie like their Donald, sadly he was about 1200 miles off on his landfall prediction, but again he was the first president to ever attempt such a prediction. Get the man another sharpie!
  35. Due to his habit of inflating real estate prices he has topped the list of fraudsters in New York. How does he continue to exceed expectations. It just never stops.
  36. Trump far exceeds other former presidents in the felony indictment department, also. Donald Trump is in fact the first and only man in presidential history to have even one felony count brought against him. His exceptionalism is undeniable.
  37. Well certainly, if Trump is re-elected he could establish another first for presidents by being the first to wear an ankle bracelet.
  38. We got another Trump first; the only U.S. president to attempt to overturn the government by insurrection and refusal to leave office. Startling; may I say, unprecedented. Donald’s creativity shines like no other.
  39. The first president since 1895 that hasn’t known how to drive a car. Zoom, zoom.
  40. His continuing reassurance that he is “a very stable genius.”  This one I don’t understand unless the belief comes because of his constant repetition of the  phrase.
  41. Trump’s ability to convince people he is as dumb as a rock, or a man with the intellect of a fifth grader, and then slap them down with a “you’re fired”!

I know I’ve just scratched the surface of all the reasons to vote for Trump but I have reached my 500-word limit and so we will have to continue this in another article. Get registered. Vote.

2024’s Worst New Year’s Resolutions

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2024’s Worst New Year’s Resolutions

Cate has been going through her list of resolutions for 2024. Enjoy the fun.

2024’s Worst New Year’s Resolutions

By Cate Rees-Hessel 

Editor: At the beginning of each year many of us examine our lives and in many cases decide we need to make some changes; thus the New Year’s Resolution List.  So with that said, here are Cate’s 2024’s worst New Year’s Resolutions.  

  1. Resolving AGAIN to lose weight – this is the most common resolution. It lasts until maybe mid-January most of the time. I no longer bother to resolve to do this, I just resolve to eat healthy, stay hydrated, and exercise.
  2. Resolving to join a gym but never visiting there – canceling can be a major hassle.
  3. Resolving to get a permanent eyeliner and lip liner tattoo. Nope. I’ve resolved to get up ten minutes earlier in the morning to line my eyes and  sometimes I  even skip the lip liner.
  4. Resolving to get plastic surgery or Botox in order to appear younger. I instead will embrace the beauty of aging.
  5. Resolving to clean out your closets, ridding yourself of any and all junk. A good idea but overwhelming if you decide to do it all at once – try doing it in smaller sections.
  6. Resolving to never, ever, ever again, drink, soda, alcohol, or expensive coffee beverages. Let’s face it, not going to happen – just remember moderation is the key here.
  7. Resolving to only drink diet soda. Are you aware of the chemicals in those?
  8. Resolving to play the lottery. Don’t gamble on this one – just start a savings account instead.
  9. Resolving to give your boss a piece of your mind – this is the same as resolving to join the unemployment line.
  10. Resolving to be adventurous. Skinny dipping in winter, bungee jumping over a frozen lake, twerking in public – this is called stupidity.
  11. Resolving to accept as many blind dates as you can – this is also called stupidity.
  12. Resolving to drunk text your ex on New Year’s Eve or maybe Valentine’s Day – this is called beyond stupidity.
  13. Resolving to stop reading the labels at the grocery store. Since the majority of boxed, canned, frozen, and even alleged fresh foods are GMO these days, this is not a wise resolution. Preservatives, artificial colors, and the like don’t make for a happy New Year, either.
  14. Resolving to start jogging 5 miles a day. No, just no – start slow and stay safe. Maybe a walk around the block today and two blocks tomorrow.
  15. Resolving to skip COVID vaccine boosters. You will have plenty of time to read the books you are resolving to read while you’re in quarantine, presuming you are not in a hospital on a ventilator. Whatever you do, don’t binge watch the last six seasons of the “The Apprentice” – you are already sick.
  16. Resolving to dance like nobody is watching in front of a window – no, nope, not good-somebody is always watching.
  17. Resolving to give that creepy date a second chance; after all Valentine’s Day comes shortly after New Year’s. I think not – this won’t end well; creeps just get creepier.
  18. Resolving to conquer your fear of heights by taking flying lessons or trying a zip line. My fear is that this too will not end well.
  19. Resolving to invest half of your paycheck in cryptocurrency. You may want to rethink this one, because the last I heard all those hot cryptocurrency guru’s are serving 99 to life.
  20. Resolving to take pickleball lessons, learning to play the tuba, or enrolling in a circus arts course at the community college- think these over before you shell out any money. I think you’d be alright with the pickleball classes, but I’d definitely forget the tuba training and the high wire act.
  21. Resolving to be a do it yourself plumber – once again, this can’t end well.
  22. Resolving to vote Republican. Don’t go there – ever… No, not ever.
  23. Resolving to buy a boxed set of “The Apprentice” on clearance at Walmart and binge watch it. First of all, why would anyone do such a thing and secondly, why are all those lousy old videos still around? Because they’re lousy of course.
  24. Resolving to never again attend a multi-tiered market party no matter the hype, to find out why, see below.

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Another, I Saw it on the Internet

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Another, I Saw it on the Internet

Image

I Saw it on the Internet

By D.S. Mitchell

 

Picture Perfect

A philosopher once said, ” A picture is worth a thousand words.” Well, the X prez is a liar, a thief, and a fraud; and here’s pictures to prove it. The man who tried to topple the U.S. government in 2020 is still at it. My question is why do so many MAGA followers believe anything this criminal narcissist says? I can almost understand why politicians like Cruz, Graham, and Hawley, who benefit both financially and politically, continue to cling to Trump’s coattails. What I don’t understand, however, is how so many common sense Americans have been hornswoggled  into believing this fat toad, with his elevator lifts, his mango makeup,  and his self-aggrandizing rhetoric, is working for them. Everything Trump stands for is in sharp contrast to what the average American needs; simple things like, work safety, clean water, safe food and drugs, ethical government, affordable health care, a strong social safety net, equal rights for all. So what is it? What is the hook that keeps the minions swimming with him?

Slurping Kool-Aid

“It’s a cult,”  the commentators are all saying. Whatever it is the folks, those of us who have not been slurping the Kool-Aid need to beat this authoritarian movement into submission. Despite the obvious inequities of the Electoral College process, partisan gerrymandering, and **third party candidates supported by right wing interests, the many can prevail in this battle, but it won’t be easy. I do not want to see young women forced to bear dead or unwanted babies, I do not want the U.S. military shooting U.S. citizens on U.S. streets, I do not want Christian leaders behaving like the ayatollah’s of Iran, I do not want Social Security or Medicare to end, and I most definitely do not want a phony TV huckster playing king at the head of the U.S. government.

Big Country

Talk to people; remind them of the real issues, not the political BS; such as: bodily autonomy, common sense gun control, ethics in government, the social safety net, religious freedom, LGBTQ+ rights, separation of church and state, national health care, housing the unhoused. I could go on. The list is long but we are a big country and our population has significant needs. Truthfully, in a country of 365,000,000 people and the world’s largest GDP the suggestion of “small government” is an outdated and ridiculous idea. When you hear that phrase think, “service for me and not for thee.” What really the Republicans are saying with the ridiculous notion of ‘small government,’ in this day and age, is we’ll pay for my needs and not yours. Everyone has a need, not just the few; and the federal government has a moral obligation to do the most, for the most. with our tax dollars, including collecting those tax dollars from the wealthy not just the poor.

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