Cosmo, The Talking Crow Comes To Town

Cosmo, The Talking Crow Comes To Town 

Introducing Cosmos. The talkative crow from Oregon.

Cosmo, The Talking Crow Comes To Town

Editors Note: While I was scrounging around looking for a Thanksgiving story I came across the story of Cosmo the Talking Crow that I reported on back in 2021. Cosmo (or maybe it’s Connie) brought a smile to a lot of people’s faces. So here, once again, is Cosmo’s story of a bad Thanksgiving vacation.

 

Oregon State Police called in on a foul mouthed crow 

By D. S. Mitchell

Down State Noise
Normally, the goings on in Grant’s Pass, Oregon, never gain the attention of the big city folks of Portland, Seattle, or LA.   Last week however, we here on the west coast got a bit of a smile as we learned about the antics of a rogue, rough talking, four letter word tossing, crow.  You read that right.  A crow. As the story goes, out of the blue a friendly, albeit attention seeking crow, showed up in town.  According to reports the first place the crow was spotted was on top of the Planet Fitness building, where he would talk to people entering and exiting the facility. Drawing both laughter and a raised finger or two.
Moving On
Apparently dissatisfied with the Planet Fitness digs our talkative and colorfully articulate bird looked around for friendlier faces.  He seemed to find what he was looking for when he found the Allen Dale Elementary School in late November.  It didn’t take long before he was the resident mascot. The news became public when Naomi Imel, an assistant at the school called in the story to the Oregonian on 12/09/2021. Lizzie  Acker 503-221-8052, lacker@Oregonian.com was the featured reporter who followed up on the feathered friend story.

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You Might Be a Woman of a Certain Age

More of the Famous, “You Might be a Woman of a Certain Age”. . . 

More of "Women of a Certain Age."

More of the Famous “You Might be a Woman of a Certain Age”…

By Cate Rees-Hessel

  1. If you ever had clear plastic enclosed furniture and got stuck to it while wearing hot pants, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  2. If you wore Charlie perfume when it originally came out, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  3. If you know Youth Dew Bath Oil came before the perfume, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  4. If you know what Youth Dew is and who still makes it, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  5. If you ever used Tinkerbell cologne, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  6. If you ever used Tinkerbell wash-off nail polish, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  7. If you had a little doll in a plastic perfume bottle, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  8. If you ever had a Dawn doll, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  9. If you ever had a Chrissy doll, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  10. If you had an original Alan or Midge doll, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  11. If you remember Growing Up Skipper – yes, her boobs grew (see the ”Barbie” movie for a demonstration), you might be a woman of a certain age…
  12. If you know who Spike the dog is, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  13. If you know who Dennis Rodman is, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  14. If you know what Terry Bradshaw’s occupation was before he became an actor, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  15. If you had day of the week panties, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  16. If you are ready to throw your Spanx at Sir Tom Jones, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  17. If you are ready to throw your Depends at Sir Tom Jones, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  18. If you are ready to throw yourself at Sir Tom Jones, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  19. If you ever had a beeper, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  20. If you watched Saturday morning cartoons growing up, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  21. If you ever ran through the sprinkler as a child, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  22. If you ever caught fireflies and put them in jar with blades of grass and a metal lid with punched holes, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  23. If you ever went berry picking, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  24. If you remember Mr. Ed or Here’s Lucy, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  25. If you ever had a metal glider on your porch, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  26. If you had a wicker laundry hamper with a flower accent, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  27. If you ever had a rubber bathing cap with a brightly-colored flower, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  28. If you ever had wax lips or bottles with a sugary beverage in them, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  29. If you ever chose your Christmas presents from the Sears Wish Book, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  30. If you ever shopped at Sears, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  31. If you ever shopped at Radio Shack, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  32. If you ever shopped at Zayre or Venture, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  33. If you ever ate a breakfast brownie from a box, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  34. If you ever had a Swanson frozen dinner with the metal tray, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  35. If you ever had a little tub of ice cream with a flat wooden spoon, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  36. If you ever had orange drink in a miniature milk carton, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  37. If you or your child ever had a baby crib with an animal applique, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  38. If you ever had an original Spirograph, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  39. If you ever had an original Lite Brite, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  40. If you ever spent any Saturday nights at Blockbuster, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  41. If you know who the Great Pumpkin is, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  42. If you ever saw a flashing blue light right after hearing, “Attention K-Mart shoppers…”, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  43. If you ever consumed Sugar Babies, Bazooka, Mary Janes, Lemonhead, or Chico Sticks, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  44. If you ever called a radio station to play your request and dedication on the air, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  45. If you know who Casey Kasem is, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  46. If you know who Wolfman Jack is, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  47. If you know what musical House of WAXX is from, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  48. If you ever met the Flintstones or the Jetsons, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  49. If you ever smelled Jovan Musk Oil, English Leather, High Karate, or Aqua Velva, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  50. If you know Mikey hated everything, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  51. If you ever had Jiffy Pop, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  52. If you ever owned an avocado green electric fry pan, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  53. If you ever repaired a run in your stocking with clear nail polish, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  54. If you ever wore a Frank Mazzendrea design, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  55. If you ever wore an original Norma Kamali garment made of sweatsuit fabric, you might be a woman of a certain age…

You Might Just Be A Childless Cat Lady

You Might Just Be A Childless Cat Lady

JD Vance's comments about childless cat ladies is abhorrent.

You Might Just Be a Childless Cat Lady

By Cate Rees-Hessel

We need the childless cat ladies’ vote in this important 2024 election. Here are twenty-four reasons you might just be one of us ladies:

  1. If you realize your own worth, you might just be a (childless) cat lady…
  2. If you own adorable feline(s) and/or canine(s) and treat them like children because they are your furbabies, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  3. If you show your love for children in other ways: auntie, teacher, foster parent and so forth, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  4. If you understand the pain of infertility but still support reproductive freedom, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  5. If you hiss, growl, and instinctively put claws out when you hear the names JD Vance or Donald Trump, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  6. If you proudly support Momola Kamala Harris and Tim Walz, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  7. If you realize what a complete moron JD Vance is, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  8. If you love a good cat reel or meme, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  9. If you dressed as Catwoman at the last costume party you attended, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  10. If you support animal welfare organizations, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  11. If you recognize locker room talk for the abuse it is, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  12. If you can’t be grabbed – we have claws and we’re not afraid to use them, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  13. If you will donate kitty litter to the next Trump rally, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  14. If you believe in woman’s rights, equal pay, ERA, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  15. If you despise sexism, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  16. If you want the world to be a better place for all daughters, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  17. If you believe in sisterhood, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  18. If you read Cat magazine, not National Affairs, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  19. If the sight of the Donald makes you want to cough up a hairball, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  20. If you want all children male or female to thrive, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  21. If you are a Democrat, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  22. If you wish you had a ball of string to strangle the Trumpy Bear that’s been advertised on television, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  23. If you bought a Trumpy Bear for your cat to use as a scratching post or chew toy, you might just be a childless cat lady…
  24. If you can be a playful kitty when the mood strikes, you might just be a childless cat lady…

Come on childless cat ladies, we can meow with the best of them. Our votes count, our lives have meaning, and frankly we are as cute as kittens…

Women of a Certain Age-Yet Again…

Women of a Certain Age – Yet Again…

Women of a Certain Age-Yet Again…

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. If you had a latch hook shag rug in colors of orange, yellow, and chocolate brown, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  2. If you had a macrame plant hanger and a bead curtain in your first apartment…
  3. If you remember some of the shows on “When Radio Was” when they originally ran…
  4. If you know exactly what “You’ll shoot your eye out” means…
  5. If you ever sent or received a telegram…
  6. If you read Dennis the Menace or Mary Worth comic strips in a print newspaper…
  7. If you still read and enjoy a print newspaper…
  8. If you wore puka shells…
  9. If you used Short and Sassy shampoo and conditioner…
  10. If you remember the advertisement that read, “The only important things you wear are your jeans and your hair”…
  11. If you remember “Curlers in your hair, shame on you”…
  12. If you own curlers that don’t heat up or plug in…
  13. If your boyfriend had a Mustang muscle car…
  14. If you know who “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha” is…
  15. If you ever ate in a Pizza Hut with a salad bar…
  16. If you recall when bell bottoms and platform shoes were in fashion…
  17. If you ever bought a cup of coffee for a quarter, or even 50 cents…
  18. If you remember “You deserve a break today” and “At McDonald’s, it’s clean” commercials…
  19. If you ever got change back from a dollar at McDonald’s…
  20. If you ever shopped at a five and dime store…
  21. If you know what a five and dime store is…
  22. If you ever ate at a Woolworth restaurant…
  23. If you remember the original dollar stores…
  24. If you paid six dollars for your first concert ticket…
  25. If you ever wore gloves and a hat on a regular basis…
  26. If you remember Woodstock the concert, not just the bird…
  27. If you remember “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want too…you’d cry too if it happened to you”…
  28. If you still own leg warmers and a double skinny belt…
  29. If you miss big hair, beehives and Aquanet…
  30. If you long for Dippity Do and DEP…
  31. If you ever used a hairspray called FREEZE…
  32. If you owned a smocked tunic top to wear over jeans…
  33. If you still wear Jean Nate body splash…
  34. If you still wear Sweet Honesty perfume…
  35. If you ever used Youth Dew bath oil…
  36. If you still use Prell Shampoo…
  37. If you love a good “Skybar”…
  38. If you know what a “Skybar” is…
  39. If you still bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan (of course, the bacon you bring home is still less than your male counterpart)…
  40. If you saw an Alfred Hitchcock film in a theater…
  41. If you remember theaters that had only one screen…
  42. If you would give anything for a Tab on ice…
  43. If you know what a Tab is…
  44. If a flower behind your ear was an elegant touch…
  45. If you know the lyrics to all the Carol King and Carol Bayer Sager songs…
  46. If you remember original Orange Julius drinks and Dilly Bars…
  47. If you know exactly what “One Adam Twelve” means…
  48. If you support and respect the older gentleman that authored the Violence Against Women Act and gave us our first female VP…
  49. If Dr. Jill Biden is your role model…
  50. If you weathered the rain and the sun marching for Girls in Sports, reproductive freedom, and ERA…

Calamity’s Favorite Quotes

Calamity’s Favorite Quotes:

Calamity’s Favorite Quotes:

“Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours.”

                                                                                                                                 Unknown

Women of a Certain Age-The Next Generation

Women of a Certain Age-The Next Generation…

You may be a woman of a certain age if you used hair curlers

Women of a Certain Age –

The Next Generation…

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. If you ever had a man in a boat in your toilet tank…you might be a woman of a certain age.
  2. If you ever drank a Tab…
  3. If you ever wore hose from an egg…
  4. If you ever wore a $5 dollar tube top from Woolworths…
  5. If you know what was on the lunch menu at Woolworth’s Restaurant…
  6. If you ever ate lunch at Woolworth’s Restaurant…
  7. If you ever ate at a lunch counter…
  8. If you know what a lunch counter is…
  9. If you ate a chocolate Popsicle (nope, not a Fudgesicle) …
  10. If you know what stairs up, stairs down means…
  11. If your first tablet was an Etch A Sketch…
  12. If your tablet is made of paper…
  13. If you ever wore a floral maxi…
  14. If you ever owned a poodle skirt…
  15. If you ever had a tiger in your tank…
  16. If you know who had a dog named Tiger…
  17. If you can recall the Brady Bunch wedding…
  18. If you owned a Schick Love Light…
  19. If you know what a Love Light is…
  20. If you owned a turntable, eight-track, or cassette player…
  21. If you know what a turntable, eight-track, or cassette are…
  22. If creamy ever creamed, you…
  23. If you ever used an Avon Funburger…
  24. If you know what an Avon Funburger is…
  25. If you ever mixed blue eye shadow with water…
  26. If you wore blue eye shadow…
  27. If you used peach peppermint Lip Smacker…
  28. If you owned a Cinnabar Frost lip color pencil…
  29. If you owned anything Estee Lauder in an aqua turquoise case…
  30. If you used tinted Clearasil…
  31. If you wore Clinique Pore Minimizer makeup…
  32. If you carried a disposable lighter for your eye liner pencil in your purse…
  33. If you think “Zoom” is a TV show from the 70’s, not an online meeting portal…
  34. If you ever had a cream pack…
  35. If you know what a cream pack is…
  36. If you can finish this line and name that tune: “Hey, Hey…”
  37. If curlers in your hair caused you shame…
  38. If you still own curlers…
  39. If you ever drank from a garden hose and lived to tell about it…
  40. If you only think of pickle as a food, not a sport…
  41. If “who wears short shorts” is not you anymore…
  42. If you have ever been a Lustre-Crème Shampoo girl…
  43. If you think turkey neck is a soup ingredient…
  44. If you still, make turkey soup…
  45. If you move slower than a sloth…
  46. If you think Alexa and Siri are among your bridge game partners…
  47. If you still play bridge…
  48. If much of your wardrobe came from the mall and department stores, not Amazon…
  49. If you think Robert Redford is sexy…
  50. If you own white gloves that aren’t for winter…
  51. If you call your purse a pocketbook…
  52. If you can name all four of the Golden Girls…
  53. If you can remember when Hallmark was only cards…
  54. If you remember when Olay was Oil of Olay…
  55. If you ever used a rotary dial or push-button landline…
  56. If you know what a landline is…
  57. If you watched Luke and Laura’s wedding…
  58. If you remember “The Guiding Light” and Bauer burgers…
  59. If a section of your closet is dedicated to shoes you can only sit in…
  60. If you know “Shake and Bake” is not a new variation of Hot Yoga…
  61. If you husband owns a leisure suit…
  62. If you owned an original Barbie doll…
  63. If your Barbie dream house had cardboard furniture…
  64. If you can remember when Barbie was just a fashion doll, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  65. If you always realized he’s “just Ken”, you might be a woman of any age…

No Worries. Are You Kidding Me?

No Worries. Are You Kidding Me?

 

Worry is my middle name and I have good reason to be worried

No Worries. Are You Kidding Me?

By D. S. Mitchell

 

Closet Worrier

I never considered myself a worrier; however I have  probably always been a closet worrier. I was the one that would call twice to confirm a reservation and of course I made sure that we always took two of everything (just in case). Now that I’m an elder, and retired, I have found an abundant amount of time to worry and an endless supply of issues to worry about. I have thrown off my shackles and emerged into the light as an admitted worrier.

Growing Louder

What used to be occasional whispers in my busy working mind have grown louder now that I am free of the time clock. I worry about the mutating COVID virus, and do I need another booster? I worry that I forgot to rotate my tires at 5,000 miles. When did I last check the air pressure, I fret. Did I remember to send my forever best friend from high school a card on her birthday? Then there’s climate change, and the rising ocean levels, Russian aggression in the Ukraine, the rape and murder of Israelis on 10/7,  the death of 33,000 Palestinian civilians in Gaza. And we can’t forget the threat of nukes in space, the Chinese on Mars, the speeding up of the Jet Streams, an alien invasion, an AI takeover, nuclear war, and the possibility of an asteroid impact. And what about all those conspiracy theories; are they all wrong; or just partly wrong? Will we ever find Jimmy Hoffa’s bones?

Did You Hear?

Did you see that there was a massive die off of honeybees in the United States in 2023, killing over 51% of the honeybee hives. Furthermore, in case you missed it on the news, the biggest iceberg in history is now floating somewhere in the open ocean south of Australia. I have at my disposal an endless spool of worry; replaying events over-and-over in my head; each exchanging their places in turn, as I worry about each new threat.

I Love Joe

I have recently begun transferring all of these concerns to an off planet storage facility-I think its called the cloud. I want to have plenty of space in my head for election year worries. Don’t misunderstand; there isn’t a single day that goes by that Joe Biden doesn’t prove he’s a better man than Donald Trump ever thought of being. Not one day of Donald Trump’s life, has he ever thought of anyone but himself. As General John Kelly confirmed, Trump “is the most flawed person (I’ve) ever met.” Unfortunately, for the United States, Trump is once again being allowed to run for president; and with the Electoral College system he could easily win.

Not Long Ago

There was a time in the recent past when a candidate for the highest office in our land was not a criminal, a grifter, or wanna-be tyrant; that was of course before Donald Trump came on the scene. Since Trump’s  emergence as a right wing demagogue he has been setting law breaking records; amazing even those who know him best. I realize there are many in the electorate who may have forgotten the list of outrages this one man crime wave has committed. For those amnesic individuals I offer Seth Meyers.

Early to Bed, Ready to Worry

I go to bed early, so, sadly, I miss all the late night comedy shows. But, this is 21st century America and I have YouTube. A recent Seth Meyer’s monologue turned up the heat on my worr-ia-tor. Listen folks, a quick review of the recent past is reason enough to worry about what criminal tactics Trump will use to guarantee his winning the 2024 election. That’s right, folks, I truly believe Trump and his crime associates will try to once again overthrow an election. That would be two in a row. The loss of public morality is shocking and should be a worry for all of us who haven’t been drinking the Kool-Aid or who aren’t looking for a Mango Mussolini to worship.

Seth Meyers Made a List

After coming out on top as the presumptive Republican nominee for president Trump was eviscerated by Late Night host, Seth Meyers. In a near two minute opening monologue, Meyers reeled off a list of outrageous things Donald Trump has done, or has been accused of doing.  Here in Seth’s own words: “Presumptive GOP nominee for president, again, for a third time, despite the fact he is a twice-impeached, four-time criminally indicted and racist who’s been found liable for fraud and sexual abuse. Banned from doing business in the state of New York for three years. Owes over half a billion dollars in fines and judgments. Took millions from foreign governments while he was president. Tried to extort a foreign country to interfere in the 2016 election and encouraged another to help him win in 2020.”

No Stopping Him

Meyers, however, did not stop there. Trump “actively undermined our nation’s response to a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic and let a deadly disease spiral out of control. (He) is about to go on trial for breaking campaign finance laws by paying hush money to cover up an affair during the 2016 campaign. He orchestrated a months-long coup attempt that culminated in a violent insurrection to disrupt the peaceful transfer of power and install him as an unelected dictator. (Trump) stole classified documents and obstructed attempts to get them back. (The man) has never won the popular vote and has been routinely rejected by a majority of Americans in election after election.”

There’s More?

At this point you may think Meyers had covered it all, but that’s when he reminds us of many other bizarre Trump moments. Meyers called Trump “the single weirdest, most off-putting human being on the face of the f****** planet. Trump spews deranged conspiracy theories about everything from climate change to immigration, from vaccines to windmills. Stumbles on three syllable words, two-syllable words and one-syllable words, cheats at golf, calls our dead soldiers suckers and losers, forgets who he’s running against.” At this point, Seth brings up a screen in the studio displaying  examples of Trump’s spelling errors.  “(He) can’t spell his own name, his wife’s name (or even remember it), the words “indicted,” “education,” “unprecedented,” stolen,” “Denmark,” “Kentucky” or “tap,” all spelled wrong, and many more.

Gamer Vocabulary

Myer’s summed up Trump in the following manner, “I’m sorry, but this guy is not a real person, he’s a glitching, (stumbling) NPC from a video game,” Meyers declared. **For the non-gamers out there; Seth’s reference to “NPC” (“Non-Player Character”) is used by him as a metaphor to describe someone he perceives as lacking independent thought.

 

Its Disgusting and Shocking

I worry that any group of people that would support a criminal and insurrectionist as their presidential candidate are likely to break any and all laws to get him back into the White House. Perhaps even “terminate the Constitution.” Bad actors, like Iran, Russia, China, and North Korea are lining up to run misinformation campaigns against Biden and the Dems. Sounds like criminals and thugs sticking together. The fact that the Republican Party is willing to hand over power to a man of  such obvious low character as Donald Trump is both outrageous, and demoralizing. Make no mistake the GOP will be running a ‘dictator for life’ candidate not a presidential candidate.

****

If you want to see the original Seth Meyers rant go to YouTube and put in Trump crimes-Seth Meyers on the search bar and you can watch Seth eviscerate Trump in a two minute rant. Everything he says is alarming and we should all be worried as hell.

A Trunk of Trump Junk

A Trunk of Trump Junk…

Donald Trump seems to have an endless number of items he likes to attach his name to. Here are a few parody samples

A Trunk of Trump Junk

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel and Wes 

China Sin-drone

Until Donald Trump no other presidential candidate or former “head” of state has ever hawked made-in-China, dime store quality, over priced rubbish.  For starters, we’ve got the Trumpy Bear, the MAGA hat, a Chia pet, and My Pillow. On this next one my dog would lift his leg: the ugliest gold high top never surrender sneakers ever created. I’m surprised there is no fake vomit or whoopee cushions in this collection of no-class trash. For those who missed it on The View, Rita Moreno made us all smile when she described a Trump sandwich, seen on a menu at a New York City deli: two slices of white bread (presumably all crust and likely stale), full of baloney, with a very small pickle; darn, it ruins gherkins for me. In case, Trump needs some ideas for a new grift product; I’ve come up with at least 36 ideas for Trump merchandise (with a smidge of input from the spouse…)

36 Ideas For Trump Merchandise

  1. A Trump mug shot, with double bonus autographed photos of Kid Rock and Roseanne Barr.
  2. MAGA hair tonic – turns hair neon orange while destroying any remaining brain cells Trumpsters might have.
  3. Putin’s Puppet – Trump on a string.
  4. Melania Botox in a box – you too can look like a washed up plastic Hustler centerfold.
  5. Melania Barbie – NOPE. NO WAY, NO HOW. (after all, Mattel has excellent taste – they brought us the Barbie movie-and decades of fantastic characters (toys).
  6. Grumpy Trumpy doll – voodoo perhaps…
  7. The Donald Disinfectant spray for when you grab ’em by the p—-.
  8. Big Mac erasers – I was just wondering if we could erase his face?
  9. American History for Dummies book.
  10. Trump motion lotion – just ewwwwww…
  11. Box set of The Apprentice on VHS.
  12. Trump toupee – it speaks for itself, complimentary mango orange tan cream included.
  13. Robe and slippers from Trump Hotel – likely made by child labor…per Melania’s instructions.
  14. Trump face dart board – now this I would buy; bullseye!
  15. “Steal the Election Game” – because it never happened in real life.
  16. Recording of “Fail to the Chief” – this should include a bonus track of the late Helen Reddy’s “Ain’t no Way to Treat a Lady” and “I am Woman” (hear me roar…)
  17. Revolutionary War-era airport parking permit.
  18. Trump kitty litter – because he is full of it.
  19. Trump Bobble-head toilet bowl brush – enough said…
  20. Trump toilet paper – maybe not, don’t want it touching my rear end.
  21. Trump deodorant – because he stinks.
  22. Poster of all American Presidents photos with a question mark in 45’s slot.
  23. Trump Troll doll.
  24. Trumpy election flask – because you have to be drunk to vote for him.
  25. Trump orange suit – for that matchy, matchy look…I understand there are matching sandals.
  26. Trump-monopoly – go straight to jail, do not pass go.
  27. Trump hemorrhoid cream – because, some have said, he is a significant pain in the rump.
  28. Humpty Trumpty puzzle – sat on a wall, had a great fall, and all the king’s men would not put him back together again (my spouse commented that this isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and he wouldn’t shell out for it).
  29. Interchangeable photo cube – choose the faith of the book he carries upside down, outside of a house of worship he never attends.
  30. Well, there is no way we can produce a Trump pet rock because his followers would throw them at the Capitol building.
  31. MAGA mixed nuts gift pack.
  32. An inflatable life-size Trumpy – pull his string and the government shuts down.
  33. This year instead of a Vote for Trump yard sign-go all in with his new twelve foot tall inflatable Trump balloon; great for your front yard.
  34. Trump’s Chumps T-shirt (my husband came up with this one).
  35. Melania ball and chain silver plated jewelry set.
  36. President Biden doll pushing a dumpster containing all this garbage…

 

 

Animal Witticisms

Animal Witticisms

Some of the funnies road signs can be found at veterinary offices.

Animal Witticisms

Editor: Alexis de Tocqueville came to America from France in 1831. He was a young, wealthy, aristocrat, budding writer, social observer, and philosopher. He went on to author one of the most definitive studies of America and her people ever written, “Democracy in America.” While touring the young country, he noted numerous uniquely American traits; two carry-overs from those long ago times were, the “intent self-interest” of the average American, and secondly, that Americans are “not a happy lot.” Well, that reassures me; nothing much has changed in the last nearly 200 years. Americans do however, have witty road signs to change that scowl to a smile. Here we go:

 

By D.S. Mitchell

Silly Road Signs

  1. Holly Ridge Veterinary Hospital: I used a spot remover on my dog . . . .  He disappeared.
  2. Highland Road Animal Hospital: My alarm doesn’t have a snooze button . . . .  It has paws.
  3. Grants Pass Vet Clinic: Someone made a joke about my three-legged cat . . . .  Major faux paw.
  4. Washoe County Veterinary Services: Against animal testing. They get nervous and mark all the answers wrong!
  5. Portland Veterinary Clinic: Q: What animal has more lives than a cat?  A: Frogs, they croak every night!
  6. St. Joe’s Veterinary Hospital: Free belly rubs with each exam . . . . Sorry, pets only!
  7. Carroll County Veterinary Clinic: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to see it . . . you can bet a chihuahua 500 miles away will bark at it.
  8. Seaside Animal Clinic: Our dog swallowed a bag of scrabble tiles . . . . the vet is checking him out, no word yet!
  9. Sandy Animal Clinic: Why was the cat sitting on the computer? . . . .  To keep an eye on the mouse!
  10. Warrenton Veterinary Hospital: For a man to truly understand rejection . . . . he must first own a cat.
  11. Astoria Paw and Claws: Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle? . . . .Too many cheetahs.

Well folks, enough of that shit. Have a great day. Be glad you’re an American. We may have our problems, but we’ve got the veterinarians to keep us smiling.