Category: Humor

Worst Black Friday & Cyber Monday Deals

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Worst Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals

Worst Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals

Well, it looks like there’s going to be a lot of Trump and GOP paraphernalia crowding retailer’s shelves across the country as the MAGA nightmare seems to be doing a nose dive with even the diehards like Marjorie Taylor Greene. Keep an eye open for any of these great deals coming your way Black Friday and Cyber Monday. I guarantee there will be orange everywhere.

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. Trumpopoly – be the first to go bankrupt and steal from the community chest; all the cards you draw are “Get Out of Jail Free.”
  2. Mar-a-Lago tree ornament, its orange with an iconic mushroom shape.
  3. Trump lollipops – or should I say suckers, burnt orange flavor.
  4. Elon Musk Ken doll, watch out for the chainsaw.
  5. JD Vance Alan doll, oh my, Erika Kirk may want to pick up a couple of these bad boys.
  6. Melania doll – comes with a mini Hustler magazine and accompanying plastic surgeon doll.
  7. “I Beg your Pardon, I Never Promised You a Rose Garden” dance mix, sung by “The Donald” himself, on DVD.
  8. Tesla wind chimes made from recycled Tesla parts.
  9. MAGA cap, scarf, and glove set.
  10. Trump toupe – you, too, can be an orange haired monster.
  11. The pet rock returns – ICE are using the little creatures to break car windows.
  12. Trumpmania game I hear they’ll be going 10 for a dollar.
  13. “My Ding A Ling” (is now president) party dance show mix “…I want you to play with my ding-a-ling…”
  14. Tesla ride-on scooter.
  15. “The Donald” shit show shower head.
  16. Donald Diapers – he’s a big boy now.
  17. Worst Little Whorehouse in Washington DVD with special guest appearances by various friends and lovers.
  18. A giant tub of Republican mixed nuts.
  19. The barrel of monkeys from the 1960’s has been reinvented – a Barrel of MAGA’s.
  20. Another retro game, “Blockhead!” is back.
  21. Big Mac toaster oven, just like the one at the White House.
  22. Trump golf clubs with knitted orange head covers.
  23. Melania fashion and decorating tips for the “Karen” coffee table book.
  24. Melania charm school gift certificate.
  25. Orange haired big gut balloon bouquet.

Women of a Certain Age-Thanksgiving Edition

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Women of a Certain Age Thanksgiving Edition

Women of a Certain Age-Thanksgiving Edition

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. If you still the baste the turkey with butter, you might just be a woman of a certain age…
  2. If you make dressing stuffed inside the bird without fear of salmonella, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  3. If you call it pumpkin pie seasoning, not pumpkin spice, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  4. If you don’t understand why there is a pumpkin spice latte, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  5. If you wear a ruffled apron to take the turkey out of the oven, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  6. If you make your own green bean casserole, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  7. If you don’t understand why an already deceased cooked turkey needs to rest, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  8. If you have no idea what the hell a tofurky is, nor do you want to, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  9. If you start stocking up on canned pumpkin beginning November 1st, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  10. If you make mashed potatoes from scratch, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  11. If you know a way to slice cranberry sauce to camouflage the can indentations, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  12. If you recall the first Butterball turkey talk line, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  13. If you remember the first Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, well, your certainly of a very certain age – happy 100th birthday to that iconic celebration…
  14. If your Thanksgiving table has polished silver, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  15. If your Thanksgiving table has starched and ironed linens, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  16. If your Thanksgiving table has fine bone china and crystal stemware, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  17. If your Thanksgiving table includes refrigerated crescent rolls from a poppable can, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  18. If you join the men watching football only after the dishes are washed, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  19. If you make stuffing by cutting up four loaves of bread a couple days before the holiday and then let them get stale, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  20. If you have no idea what umami is and don’t want it on your Thanksgiving table, you might be a woman of a certain age…

Mom Said

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MOM SAID

Sometimes You Just Gotta Smile

“Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today-or tomorrow.“

                             Will Rogers and Margaret Williams

 

My Mom, Margaret Helen Brown (Ruffe, Williams 9/22/1909-9/22/1988), said a lot of really wise and often funny things. So, this morning as I’m scanning the internet for a special quote I saw this from Will Rogers, “Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.” Wow, I think what my Mom said was an improvement on Will Rogers. She would often say, “Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today- or tomorrow.” I like it; I hope you do to.

 

Time To Break For A Smile

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Time To Break For A Smile

Time To Break For A Smile

By D.S. Mitchell

Things have been dark around here the last few posts, so I think its time to give ourselves permission to smile. First, the shellacking of Trump in last night’s multi-state elections gives me hope. At least 60% of the American voters disapprove of Trump and his activities. People are paying attention and they don’t like Trump’s lawless, blatant, corruption, DOGE, soldiers on our streets, masked ICE thugs disappearing people, tariffs, inflation, foreign policy, and they are sending a powerful message to Trump’s White House. Open the damn government. Continue SNAP; and on and on, and on.

So, folks, let’s lighten the mood and here are 25 things that always make me smile. How about you? Make your own list. Smiling with a grateful heart is an important part of happiness.

25 Things That Make Me Smile

1.) Winning.

2.) Putting pennies in a jar, and watching it grow.

3.) Being smart.

4.) Acting stupid.

5.) Living in a vacation town, in the off-season.

6.) Blackened hot dogs. Yum. Yum.

7.) Slow dancing.

8.) Pyramids of tea sandwiches.

9.)  Knowing when its time to work; and when its time to play.

10.) Extra Crunchy Peanut Butter.

11.) Edibles.

12.) Raindrops hitting a pond.

13.)  Cookbooks with food stains on favored recipes.

14.) Front row seats.

15.) Rational thinking; easier said, than done.

16.) Following the Estate Sale signs.

17.) Giving.

18.) Sharing.

19.) Sharing childhood remembrances with a childhood friend.

20.) Order over chaos.

21.) Wild strawberries peeking up in the flowerbeds.

22.) Prime Days.

23.) Self-debates.

24.) Mail-in voting.

25.) Legalized cannabis.

 

Portland, Oregon-My Home Town

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Portland, OR-My Home Town

A couple of my friends waiting for the riots to start, but we’ve got no riots here. What we have here, in Portland, Oregon, are concerned citizens, loving their country, speaking out against a lawless president and his gang of masked thugs.

 

Something I Learned Today

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Something I learned today

Something I Learned Today

My wonderful neighbor came over this morning and gave me two free car wash coupons. I thought how sweet-then after he left, I realized I hadn’t washed my car since last Christmas when I was designated to haul the carolers around town-aaaahhhhhhh, such a gentle way 0f saying, pleeeeeze wash your car. Love thy neighbor.

D.S. Mitchell

Perfection, Imperfected

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Perfection, Imperfected

 

Perfection, Imperfected

 

By John Curran

Well, let me tell ya. It’s hard being a radical leftist bloodthirsty murderous lunatic who hates America, God, and even apple pie. I’m telling ya, as Rodney Dangerfield would say, “I get no respect.” So, once they tarred and feathered me for too much space taken up by my tent in a designated enclosure, I just said enough is enough. All my friends, some of them homeless people, that’s right I admit it, anyway they all said….Phoenix, Arizona? Why would I want to go there? Well the answer was I just threw a dart at my USA wall map ‘n that’s where it stuck. So that was it.

When I hit Phoenix, I looked for a job at this organization that I must keep secret as my good reputation is on the line. I applied for the job of janitor. I was invited up to Personnel. There was a group of them when I walked in, a dozen or so, all sitting in a circle. There was an empty chair in the middle of the circle, that was for me. “Sit yourself down right here ‘ol timer,” says the one guy, standing tall. The others, all dudes, were seated. They were all young.

“So, you want to take out the trash and stuff like that, huh? says the tall guy. “Well tell me this then, do you believe in Jesus? Well, they all turned to me intently, as if everything, everything, depended on my answer to this, and so I told them, Yes, I do. He’s a good neighbor. His last name is Garcia, Jesus Garcia, a very good next door neighbor. Of course this was all just made up. I was just lying to see how far all this would take me. The circle seemed to find all this amusing. Tall guy then asks me, “Would you die for this Jesus Garcia?” Well, I said, I would, “of course,” and that my cat would too, and has in fact,  only recently come back from the dead. “The dead, the dead, yeah I like that,” says Tall guy and proceeds to get a chant going, “The dead, the dead, yes we do, we love the dead, the dead, the dead, the dead, the dead….”

And boy I tell ya they got going with that one, sure did. This spontaneous levity in fact took a few moments to die back down, before calm was finally restored. Tall tells me, “you can empty trash buckets but first the Queen must give final approval,” and then in walks this gorgeous blonde who walks right up to me and tells me that first I better get a haircut, the ‘company cut’ it was called. The idea being complete similarity to all the rest.

And then I woke up. Wow, wicked dream. Hey, no more late night Fox News for me, brother. And so I got up, got dressed, ‘n saw the sun was shining. I knew I was late but I did not want to miss the Sunday service, where I wash the feet of the homeless.

Should I Get a Dog?

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I Want a Dog, But Should I Get a Dog?

 I Want a Dog, But Should I Get a Dog?

 

By D. S. Mitchell

 

That Damn Lily

My last dog was named Lily, she was a rescued dog. She came to my home when she was about two years old and full of personality.  She had a habit of arguing with me when I would give commands,  “Sit, Lily” would be followed by a straight on eye ball to eye ball period of audible grumbling before following the order. “To your house, Lily,” garnered the same stare me down look and grumbling response, before heading to her bed.   But she was the first to notice when I was sad or depressed, and would hurry to comfort me.  She was the first to notice when something was amiss and would quickly draw my attention to her concern. She never got on the furniture, she apparently was smarter than that; I don’t even sit on the furniture. She was always ready for a walk or any kind of activity, especially a car ride. Yippee!

Memorable Events

Her most memorable nonsense was the day she wrapped her leash around both my legs and brought me down hard on a sand dune at Sunset Beach, Oregon, just out front of my house. Turns out that little stunt fractured my pelvis, causing me to spend the next 2 months hobbling around like a 90 year old with a borrowed walker; you know the kind with the tennis balls on the two back struts.

Her second most memorable stunt was when she ( we were living in Astoria, Oregon at the time) jumped out the second story window of my three story Victorian house on Flavel Street, and took off. WTF. I mean this dog jumped from the second floor window; why? because the damn window was open?  Holy moly. I was at a total loss. Screaming and literally pulling at my hair. Why would she pull such a bull shit stunt. After she bailed out the window, landing quite athletically on the street below,  I watched her head up the hill as if she had a destination in mind. So, I of course, called the Astoria Police Department and told them my dog was missing. I gave the nice lady taking the report Lily’s description. The woman told me she would call me if Lily turned up. Well….less than five minutes later that nice police lady called back and said she thought she had found my dog.

Thank God

‘Thank God,” my response.

The sweet lady laughed and said, “You better get over to Astoria High School. Apparently, your brindle boxer just broke up the first band concert of the year.”

“Broke up the first band concert of the year?” I painfully repeated.

“According to the report, your pooch interrupted the concert, sending both audience and band members scurrying.”

“Oh, God,” I moaned.

Loving Kids

I grabbed my side kick, Dave, who was hanging out at the house, and we headed over the hill to Astoria High School. The rig had barely come to a stop when the two of us hit the ground running.  Dave was about 20  feet out front of me when we found the center of chaos and Lily was right in the middle of it. Several of the students were joyfully pursuing Lily, but she was quick and was darting in and out from behind one obstacle after another.  It was obvious she was having a hell of a good time with the kids. She loved kids.

I shouted, “Halt!” and to everyone’s surprise she did just that. She of course, grumbled and disputed my dominance, but she stopped and held her position.

I pulled out a  piece of chicken I had stashed in my pocket, for just such a situation, and promised Lily it was all hers if she’d just let me attach the leash to her ‘effin collar.  Once the agreement was struck, I hooked up the leash to the collar and Lily and I headed down the hall to the main entrance with Lily munching on last night’s chicken breast and me leading the crazy bitch to the SUV. Dave, followed close behind and hopped in the car and the three of us headed home. The next day there was a front page story in the Daily Astorian, with pictures of  Lily’s night of disruption at Astoria High School.  In the end, it was a good laugh for all.

So Why Do I Want a Dog?

Sometimes we, are not in the right place, time-wise, geographically, or emotionally to bring a new friend laden with responsibilities into our lives. It broke my heart when I had to euthanize Lily at around 12 years of age. She had thyroid cancer and was miserable with pain and I couldn’t watch her suffering any longer. It’s been five years since her death and I’m feeling the pain of being dog-less. I definitely do not want a puppy. I’m thinking elder dog for elder owner.

The time commitment required for a new puppy is more than I can take on. Before I start looking for my new companion I know I need to make sure that I have the time and the energy required to make the daily commitment to my new best buddy. Puppies will need to go out every hour until they are house trained. That means a commitment of no less than two hours daily for play, exercise, socialization and stimulation. Additionally, puppies because they are rapidly growing, need to be fed and watered three times a day. I know I can’t do that. Continue reading

Illegal

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Illegal

Illegal

 

By John Curran

Well, it looked like my chimp Charley was leading the charge, as he’d just slipped his leash and was racing on ahead toward where all the people were already gathering on the Courthouse lawn. It was the Protest, and me and my people were following up behind, me pushing Dave in his wheelchair and Darlene and Vajra carrying the signs and cowbells.

I was trying to keep an eye on Charley, my chimp. He’s a pretty good chimp, but he’s a chimp, in a world of humans. But like I said, he’s a cool chimp. I see him over there. He’s gone right over to that shady patch of lawn where two weeks before me ‘n some other fellas had had a drum circle going. That had been at Protest 2. We were now at Protest 3, and it must be said that at Protest 2 we had sat right there where Charley was now and we banged on our bongos and everything had been fine.

Charley hadn’t been at Protest 2, we’d left him at the ranch, he’d thought he was in love with the neighbor chimp. Now he knew better but that’s another story. Now he was here with us and amazingly enough having gone on ahead with my bongo and his bag full of ping pong balls and was now sitting in the very spot where we’d sat for our bongo party.

And then I saw it all. Charley hadn’t been there ten seconds when up walks this uniformed big white dude acting like Security, saying no one was allowed there buddy, you gotta go in front of the wall like everybody else was suddenly being told they had to do. Well, Charley wasn’t having it and went into full on bad chimp mode. He’s a pretty good actor Charley is and when he puts on this one I gotta say, he’s pretty damn convincing. Anyway you shoulda seen that Security guy step back one time and back his big butt slowly, away from Charley. If he’d had a gun he probably woulda’ drawn it.

Anyway, he hooks up with some other ‘Security’ guys down at the far end ‘n they all come up in a bunch but by that time Charley’s gone right up the nearest tree and he’s throwing ping pong balls down on these guys. I decide at this point I better step in here and declare myself. Well, they told me I could probably be charged. I said, “yeah, I know,” that much I know. They were really kinda’ alright though, we all had a laugh, and Charley came down and acted like he was sorry. Very convincing too, was Charley.

And later, nine days exactly, it was reported in our local newspaper that what the ‘Security’ had been doing telling people (and chimps) that they couldn’t sit on the Courthouse grass had been illegal. I showed it to Charley and he just laughed; as if he had known it all along. Pretty convincing ‘n, I ain’t lying, maybe sometimes even a little scary, in that way. I mean, what is really going on, Charley?

 

Silly Games

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Silly Games

 

Silly Games

 

D. S. Mitchell

No, Not Today

It’s another cloudy day in Grants Pass, Oregon. The morning news sounds just like last night’s news. Does this mean we are entering an overly long season of re-runs coming out of the Trump White House? It looks like the Orange One has given me enough time to play a game; maybe more than one. If you’re thinking the woman is sounding a bit crazy, you could be right. I need a break from the freaking asshole taking up space in the people’s house. I’m not in the mood to be serious today. I was going to write an in-depth, thought-provoking, political post on Trump’s “emotional” response to the actions of his buddy, Vladimir Putin., instead, I am going to play a game my mother taught me close to 60 years ago.

Rules Of The Game

Here are the rules of today’s game. I will open a dictionary at some random place and I will, from the two open pages, keeping the words in sequential order, write a story. Today’s story will center on a well-known politician and his daughter.  I challenge you to do it. It is harder than it sounds.

So, here we go. The dictionary I will be using is the one I keep on the shelf next to my desk in my alcove office. Everyday America English Dictionary, Edited by Ricard A. Spears, et al.  NTC (National Textbook Company) 1987.  Pages 130-131.

Daddy Thinks he Knows Best

Donald Trump dropped his  fountain pen on the desk, and asked, “What’s for dinner tonight?”

“Some form of fowl that Donald Jr, bagged when he was on safari in Texas,” Ivanka snickered.

“You are a fox,” Big Daddy Trump gushed, leering suggestively.

“Stop it, Daddy.”

“Do you know what fraction of the federal budget is being spent on Jr.’s security detail?  Some woman reporter asked me today, and I had no idea.  Do you know?”

“Oh, Daddy, don’t worry about such stuff.  Just say that information is TOP SECRET,  and if that ‘fake news’ lady asks again, you just tell her it’s, classified.”

“Of course, of course. You’re right, sweetie.  I have more power in my Truth Social finger than ANYONE else in the world!  Especially some ‘fake news’ reporter.”

“We should have that finger insured.  What if there’s a fracture?  It would be a disaster,” she said, bobbing her head up and down in self confirmation.

“Careful, Daddy, that bowl is very old and very fragile.  Michelle Obama called it historic. She said something about Dolly Madison.”

“Historic?” Trump repeated, simultaneously tossing the object skyward and catching it with his left hand.

“Daddy, please, stop juggling it. Stop it.”

Continue reading