The Legends of St. Patrick

The Legends of St. Patrick

 

The Legends of St. Patrick

By Wes Hessel

 

Irish You Were Here…

Hello from Chicagoland, where we take our “wearing o’ the green” very seriously; green river, anyone? And I don’t mean the soft drink… Today, with the coldest St. Patty’s (or is that St. Paddy’s?) in about 60 years (the low was in the mid-teen’s this am; no, there isn’t any climate change – NOT!), our thoughts turn to the saint whose day we celebrate, separating fact from fiction.

Lady First…

But first, we mention the other saint commemorated on March 17th, patron saint of cats and their people, gardeners, travelers, widows, and the mentally ill, St. Gertrude of Nivelles. So if you’re having a rodent problem, a prayer to her might be in order…

Not A Pat Answer

As is typically true with so many real world historical figures whose life story is expanded to epic proportions, St. Patrick was a man who did many significant things that historians primarily agree on. The tales and traditions which surround him, however, are the stuff of legend, though they may be rooted (one almost literally) in an aspect of fact.

The Beginning Is A Very Good Place To Start

It is generally accepted that Patrick was a man who lived in the fifth century, born in the area of Britain under Roman control, who went to Ireland when he was in his mid-teens.  In his semi-biographical treatise, “Confession of Saint Patrick”, Patrick wrote that he was kidnapped by Irish pirates when he was 16 and taken to Ireland as a slave.  He went on to write that he escaped six years later, and eventually made his way home to Britain.  Some years after, he had a vision which he believed was God calling him back to Ireland, where he went to serve as a Christian missionary.

The Stuff That Legends Are Made Of

The first of the St. Patrick legends is probably just an amplification of the plausible idea that he taught about the Holy Trinity using a common three-leaf clover, the shamrock.  This triple-leafed plant has long since been the main symbol of St. Patrick’s Day, and by extension, Ireland. The second folklore was that the patron saint of the Emerald Isle had banished all snakes from the country – evidence suggests that Ireland never had any snakes to begin with. The third tale is about the saint’s reputed carriage of an ash staff on his journey from his home to return to Ireland to minister.  Patrick’s practice, it was said, is that he would thrust his staff into the ground at the place where he would speak about Christianity – one such stop dragged on for so long, it is said, that his walking stick took root.

Celebrate Safe…

Whatever you may believe, raise a glass (Guiness, perhaps?) to the saint associated with the land of blarney, beer, and beauty (not necessarily in that order). Thank you, St. Patrick, for inspiring countless generations with your work to spread the message of a loving God and the green of life.

Moving On

Moving On

Moving On

 

D. S. Mitchell

 

I went to 27 different grade schools, and it probably won’t surprise you; I’ve been married five times. The only reason I’m confiding these tidbits of ancient information is to cue you to the fact that I’m no stranger to packing up the car and moving on.

So, now you ask, “are you going somewhere?”

“Aahhh, yes, and as always, I have no idea where.”

I came to the charming Southern Oregon town of Grants Pass in 2022, lured by an older double wide mobile home on a beautiful lake front lot. I bought it and have been loving it ever since.

So, now you ask, “why would you leave; if you love it?”

Aahhh, because somewhere deep inside me there is a malfunctioning gene. A gene that will never let me be stay in one place; no matter how well things seems to be going. In fact, the better that things seem to be going all the better reason to move on. Sounds a bit crazy, doesn’t it? Well, I think you’d be absolutely correct. Unhinged, perhaps? Spoiled? Entitled? Probably all of those things and a few more unflattering descriptors, when the truth is known.

On the other hand, in two capitols thousands of miles apart, two sociopathic heads of state show their willingness to throw their soldiers and citizens into their psychopathic conflict. A war with no purpose, other than to keep Bibi out of jail and the Epstein files out of the headlines. A war that conservatively is costing the United State a fuckin’ billion dollars plus per day. That ought to make your hair stand on end as you wait in the unemployment office for an interview, or you struggle over how to pay for groceries, or fill the gas tank. A fuckin’ billion dollars a day; while rural hospitals are closing across this country. Again while Trump and Bibi burn up a billion dollars a day Health and Science Universities across the United States are experiencing dramatic federal funding cuts. Outrageous, scandalous an unbelievable middle finger to civilized nations.

For the last week I have watched near 24/7 coverage of Donald and Bibi’s War against Iran. It is here I want to say that despite all my malfunctioning genes and general bullshit over the years my craziness has never cost one person their life; certainly not 185 school girls, leveled  a city, destroyed oil fields and stored reserves,  or sank ships and their crews at sea. Why aren’t these two guys in jail or a padded cell? How does it happen that these two men, both criminals, run two of the most powerful countries in the world? Where are the restraints? What went wrong in the election? Right now we have two of the most dangerous men in history threatening the world military and economic stability.

Trump while raving illogical “short term pain and long term gain,” he and his brother in pain are  running wild with Tomahawk missiles and endless bombing raids against Iran. If congress can’t stop them, the American people and the Israeli public CAN halt this despicable activity, but that requires action. Action on the street. Protests. Screaming our damn heads off. Time to put the American people first, that means affordable housing, access to child care, universal health care, basic income, and superlative public education.

It’s time for the few remaining sleeping Americans to come out of the MAGA coma and see Trump for what he is. Show your disapproval for this president and his fuckin’ foreign wars. Register for the No Kings Protest, and turn out with whistle, drum and sign, March 28, 2026. A goal of 10 million Americans on the street will move even psychopaths to change course. Come on America, PROTEST!

 

The Trump Stench

The Trump Stench

The Trump Stench

 

Editor: When I read Cate Rees-Hessel’s 50 Things She Trusts More than Trump I was motivated to do a bit of a take off on her piece. Forgive me, I couldn’t help myself. Here are just a few of the thoughts that came to mind as I read her piece.

By D. S. Mitchell

 

  1. We can thank our own Agent Orange for all the environmental deregulation.
  2. Left over unrefrigerated milk found in the WH pantry. Bobby’ll drink it! Bobby’ll drink it! We hope.
  3. MOLD WARNING. Not all mold forms are deadly just the smelly toxic orange variety.
  4. I heard Greg Bovino and Pam Bondi are offering at home body piercing. Och, och, och. Show me your papers!
  5. The government was forced to get supersized Porta-Potties for DHS ‘cuz Kristi Noem and Cory Lewandowski do everything together.
  6. The smell of an outhouse on a hot summer day, has nothing on the Trump White House.
  7. Got stomach acid? I’ve been told the Trump store is running a special on gold sprayed Rolaid packets.
  8. Dirty diapers found in the bushes at Mar-a-Lago’s front gate, apparently left following an Epstein memorial party.
  9. Puppy pee pads? OMG! Where’d they bury that poor puppy? I bet Kristi knows.
  10. The foul odor of used Kitty Litter lingers persistently in the air after every Cabinet Meeting.
  11. A box of sexually transmitted disease video tapes found at the Trump Tower after an Epstein memorial training.
  12. A bag of torn prophylactics found with the video tapes. What do you think? I say party favors.
  13. The stench of a dumpster on a hot summer day smells much like the image of Corporate America taking the knee for their revered Mango Mussolini.
  14. The fermenting odor of the Epstein Files permeates every space Trump enters. You don’t want to get caught in any tight spaces with DJT.
  15. Windmills are killing whales and causing cancer Donald tells us, but he’s got clean coal and Venezuelan oil for us.
  16. The ghosts of the demented Ronald Reagan and the criminal Richard Nixon have nothing on the crazy ass Mafioso king pin currently running our country.
  17. Trump has been given a second term to rape and rob the people of the United States. There’ll be no more emergency PayDay loans for Donnie Boy, now it’s direct hand-to-hand-cash in the billions from the Middle East dictators and potentates and who knows who else.
  18. Some rumors never end, especially the one about how Melania lost her virginity to an ICE agent who dummied up an Einstein visa for her ‘extraordinary intellectual abilities’. How bad does that smell; it’s been rotting in Melania’s closet since 1996.
  19. Trump is a publicly diagnosed power-mad narcissist demanding his name be placed on government buildings and that an arch be built with his name emblazed on it, all while threatening to withhold monies for already allocated major projects unless he gets his monuments. The only monument I want to see Trump’s name on is the one in the above photo.

 

 

50 Things I Trust More Than Trump

50 Things I Trust More Than Trump

50 Things I Trust More Than Trump

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. Toxic waste since “The Donald” is the worst agent orange
  2. Decades old unrefrigerated milk
  3. Mold
  4. At home body piercing
  5. Porta Potties
  6. The smell of an outhouse
  7. Stomach acid
  8. Dirty diapers
  9. Puppy Pee Pads that have been cleaned by running then through a sprinkler
  10. Gently used tampons
  11. The smell of used kitty litter
  12. Venereal disease film strips from junior high
  13. The local listed sex offender – likely joins Trump on the Epstein list
  14. Used car that was driven once a week to church by a little old lady
  15. A broken prophylactic
  16. Yellow snow
  17. The stench of a dumpster on a hot summer day
  18. A T- shirt and shorts on a cold winter’s day
  19. Cancer causing windmills
  20. A Tesla, maybe? This is a close race
  21. Three Mile Island
  22. A raging bull
  23. My father-in-law
  24. GMO and artificial colors in my food
  25. Carmel color
  26. A Yugo
  27. Craig’s list
  28. Corporate America – maybe not…
  29. Big pharma, big banks, and insurance carriers – well…
  30. Tonya Harding’s advice on how to win friends and influence people
  31. Marjorie Taylor Green charm school
  32. A $1.39 bikini wax
  33. Utility companies
  34. Payday loans
  35. A root canal with out a nerve blocker
  36. A rumor Melania was a virgin before her nuptials to “Donny boy”
  37. A car engine and brake pads from a junk yard
  38. The National Enquirer
  39. Online degree from Elon Musk University
  40. Temu quality
  41. Botox from a tattoo parlor
  42. Interest rates under this administration
  43. Haircut from a first day of beauty school student
  44. Running out of gas on a first date
  45. Nixon’s ghost
  46. Reagan’s ghost
  47. A TV bought from the back of a van
  48. A decade old disposable razor
  49. Home perm kit from a dollar store
  50. My ex-boyfriend

Hints Your Valentine Might Not Be A Romantic

Hints Your Valentine Might Not Be A Romantic

Hints Your Valentine Might Not Be A Romantic

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 Here are 14 warning signs your date isn’t Cupid-approved:

  1. His idea of a romantic evening out involves a monster truck rally or tractor pull.
  2. He drops a hint that maybe you will be getting something sparkly and he gifts you a roll of ‘Sparkle’ paper towels.
  3. Instead of a heart shaped box of chocolates you get an expired granola bar with a left over Christmas bow on it.
  4. He spends half the evening comparing you to his ex (you need to run away screaming).
  5. He brings an old college chum that happens to be in town along on your date.
  6. He lives with his mom.
  7. He tells you to wear your paint clothes and ratty old sneakers on your date.
  8. He wears paint clothes and ratty old sneakers on your date.
  9. He keeps staring at his reflection in every glass surface he passes.
  10. Every gift he gives is stamped “made in PRC.”
  11. He arrives for your date with no gift and an explanation that the Dollar General had already closed.
  12. He brought an open half drunk bottle of wine for your romantic evening at home.
  13. His Valentine’s Day present is a re-gift from Christmas.
  14. A romantic dinner with this guy involves a bucket of chicken and a can of beer.

More food for thought:

In recent weeks, I have seen a number of ads for un-Valentines celebrations and I find it disparaging for such a beloved holiday. There is an old song entitled “What the World Needs Now is Love (Sweet Love)” – it goes on to say, “It’s the only thing, that there’s just too little of”; I agree. “Lord, we don’t need another mountain, There are mountains and hillsides enough to climb…” Yes, what the world needs now is love for our fellow men and women. Love for all humanity.

I know Valentines Day is about romantic love, but for this year let’s make it about love for all humankind, animals, and our planet. Let’s perform an act of kindness before we devour frilly pink and red heart-shaped boxes of chocolates and heart-shaped pizzas. A smile or a wave. Hold a door open for someone, send a card, hug somebody that needs it, agree to disagree with kindness. “Love thy neighbor as thyself”. Practice self love: take a break from social media, binge watch Hallmark movies with your significant other and your fur babies, take a bubble bath, get a massage and pedicure. Eat healthy, do some yoga, because as another tune teaches us, “love in any language, straight from the heart”, has style…

Women of a Certain Age-Old School Edition

Women of a Certain Age – “Old School” Edition

Women of a Certain Age – “Old School” Edition

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. If you ever pinched your cheeks or bit your lips in an effort to add a rosy glow to your face, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  2. If you have ordered from Ronco…
  3. If you ever owned or used a bedazzler…
  4. If you ever blotted your lipstick on a tissue…
  5. If Jean Nate is your go to fragrance…
  6. If you ever used Youth Dew and call it simply Estee Lauder…
  7. If you know that Youth Dew started as a bath oil…
  8. If you think a Zoom do is not an online meeting. And who remembers the PBS show?
  9. If you wear Odyssey by Avon…
  10. If you wear Imari by Avon…
  11. If you think 74 year old Pierce Brosnan is young and sexy…
  12. If you are as old as the Pillsbury Doughboy…
  13. If you used anything made by Bonne Bell cosmetics…
  14. If you had a puka shell necklace…
  15. If you ever wore double belts and stirrup pants…
  16. If you ever wore a body suit with snaps…
  17. If you wore Charlie perfume and know the color variations the fragrance came in…
  18. If you ever pressed your long locks with a clothing Iron…
  19. If you ever wore shoulder pads but were not a powder puff football player…
  20. If you still wear Sweet Honesty fragrance by Avon…
  21. If you ever made and used an egg white mask…
  22. If you wash your face with Dove beauty bar for “soft dewy skin”…
  23. If if you use honey as a face mask…
  24. If you ever used Queen Helene Mint Julep mask…
  25. If you were ever long and silky or short and sassy – my husband claims that I am still short and sassy…

Happy New Year, everyone – ladies, we definitely still have style…

 

Spin

Spin

Spin

 

By John Curran

They want an update, so I’m gonna give ’em one. It’ll probably get revised, maybe I won’t care. Anyway it goes like this…My name is Tiny and I’m actually a tiny person. You mighta’ heard about us tiny people, probably didn’t believe it. I guess it does sound fantastic to most folks, but fact is we are the original peoples. We’ve been since forever but we’ve had to lay low and get real small going back to a long time ago when we could see the shitstorm that was coming. It’s true-we are 1/12 of the normal size. So, me, well I am, six inches high. So now you know.

A small point of all this for the present moment is I have access, you could say, a most unconventional vantage point on things, especially since I have acquired this cool little knock off drone ride around. Dude, I get everywhere and pretty much see everything these days, and remain, unseen. It’s great. Anyway, speaking of, I saw it. I was buzzing right directly overhead when that heavily suited up and armed mother fucker raised his big gun up and shot the woman right in the face through the windshield of her car as she was turning her wheel away from him and the others, just scared and trying to get away. Goddamn. I saw it all, yes sir, a million times now in my dreams, thanks a lot.  How’s that for spin? I’m gonna spin right on outa’ here now, get smaller and lay da’ fuck low, trying to be cool, and nobody knows my name.

A Few Things I Trust More Than Trump

A Few Things I Trust More Than Trump

A Few Things I Trust More Than Trump

Editor: Thanks for the laughs

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. Dollar store teeth whiteners
  2. The rhythm method
  3. Any cosmetic made in China. That goes for dog food, too.
  4. Used car salesmen
  5. Diamonds from “we might be some jewelry sellers .com”
  6. Unsolicited telemarketers that call at dinnertime
  7. Eat whatever you want and lose weight diets
  8. Unfiltered tap water from Flint, Michigan
  9. Get rich quick schemes
  10. Televangelists, especially …
  11. Food with a 1998 expiration date
  12. “But I just want to cuddle”
  13. The odometer wasn’t set back
  14. It’s fifty percent off- Today Only
  15. It was only driven on Sundays to church by a sweet old lady and her cat
  16. Sushi from a fast food establishment
  17. Chicken salad from a gas station
  18. Giving a drunk the keys to the wine cellar
  19. A date with Bill Cosby
  20. Convenience store restrooms
  21. Tom Brady offering to help with a dead battery or flat tire
  22. A pet piranha or shark
  23. A North Korean peace plan
  24. Casey Anthony as a baby sitter
  25. Retreaded tires
  26. Day old unrefrigerated scrambled eggs
  27. Four for a one dollar deli sandwiches
  28. “No, that does not make your rear end look big”
  29. My ex-boyfriend
  30. My husband’s ex-girlfriend
  31. “Of course my boobs are real”
  32. A rabid bat
  33. An appliance bought on FB Marketplace
  34. A flight on “We Might Just Make it This Time” Airlines
  35. A drive-through root canal
  36. This shot might pinch just a little
  37. Anyone I don’t know messaging me about weather conditions because I have a beautiful smile
  38. You win a million dollars if you pay a small fee
  39. The check is in the mail (who even uses checks anymore?)
  40. The house comes with a brand new roof and furnace
  41. The United States healthcare system
  42. The prince formerly known as Andrew
  43. The seven “real” Rick Springfield’s and assorted Dolly Parton’s messaging me on X
  44. Only one treatment will remove 8 inches off your thighs for just $29.99
  45. Concierge at Trump hotels
  46. Brain surgery guided by AI
  47. “I will pay you back with interest”
  48. A social media scammer that just happened to come across my profile
  49. A 25 year old prophylactic
  50. Mail order from late night television little blue pills

Hot Damn

Hot Damn 

Hot Damn 

ON TOUR

Hollowed Out Heg and the Hit Squad with ICE  

Editor: John Curran states his short story, “Hot Damn” is total, complete, fiction.

 

By John Curran

“Hollowed out Heg and the Hit Squad with ICE,” said the poster, “On Tour with special guests,” to perhaps include Lord Lord, the big one himself, live out of the cage. And that was enough, baby, leave ’em dangling, the way they always do. Wow, Heg and the Hits, coming ‘right here’ to little Scranton, PA and we were the kickoff site. ‘Course it made perfect sense though, this was Scrappy Joe’s turf and the ‘here’ had more meaning ‘here’ than was stated on any poster.

We all knew what was coming though, perfect sense ‘n no surprise. I headed back home and got out the old zoot suit that I’d been saving for just such an occasion. The thing was on this very night. Whatever night it was, it didn’t even matter. It was always chaos with this bunch anyway; ‘ya expected it by now ‘n just went with it, whatever ‘it’ was.  What ‘ya might not know is that, in fact, Scrappy Joe’s back, believe it, and he’s been briefed on things. He’s feeln’ good, that cancer thing is done…maybe, and the Corvette’s never been faster, nor more dangerous.

“Let’s roll boys,” Joe said, pulling out of New York, headed to Scranton, to answer the challenge.

So, I pull up. Yeah, it’s a scene.  Hot Tulsi, “da Silver Streaks” is working the door; handing out red hats and small cups of green Kool Aid.

“Make you strong,” she says.

I ignore her and just bust my way in. That’s how ‘ya gotta be at these things now, act like you’re big, ‘ya know somebody, like you are somebody, it’s easy ‘ya just gotta show balls, is all. So I’m in ‘n right away I notice the little drones, sorta buzzing around. I remember that great novel, “Dune,” how prescient that was.

‘N then center stage it’s the Heg, up there face into the mike, doin’ the scowl, the famous scowl, the tough guy things he does, wow…’n then he’s into that latest ‘n greatest the Two Tap Shuffle, like he just don’t care. Well…

After that, I can’t remember much, I mighta’ had some of that green Kool Aid stuff…things got fuzzy…seems at some point a bear handler with a big ass bear, wearin’ an orange diaper ‘n a red hat, did a great rendition of ‘Heaven, It’s a Hoax, Its only Hell That’s Real,” and brought down the house, literally, as when the bomb blew up.

I was nowhere around, and Scrappy Joe in that ‘vette was half-way home, but I heard all about it.

 

Women of a Certain Age-“Old School” Edition

Women of a Certain Age – “Old School” Edition

Women of a Certain Age – “Old School” Edition

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. If your call math “arithmetic”, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  2. If you call mathematics new math…
  3. If you ever carried books in a strap…
  4. If your back to school wardrobe included Peter Pan collars and plaid…
  5. If sleepovers during the school year meant popcorn and a Frankie Avalon movie on network TV…
  6. If you had a Friday night party with a record player and bottles of Coke…
  7. If your birthday during the school year meant homemade cupcakes for the class…
  8. If you ever took a peanut butter fluff sandwich in your Scooby Doo lunch box…
  9. If you owned a Howdy Doody lunch pail…
  10. If you watched a happy tooth film strip…
  11. If you know what a film strip is…
  12. If you had a gym uniform that was a short jumpsuit in a shade of blue…
  13. If you wore white Keds with pom-pom socks (mine were pink)…
  14. If your cheerleading uniform didn’t expose your belly button…
  15. If Friday night football games were followed up at the malt shop…
  16. If you went on high school dates at the drive-in…
  17. If you know what activity was done in a rumble seat…
  18. If you participated in said activity in a rumble seat…
  19. If you participated in the same activity at the drive in…
  20. If you know what a rumble seat is…
  21. If you had a back-to-school Lilt perm, courtesy of your older sister or cousin…
  22. If you drove to school in a 1967 Mustang…
  23. If you know what a bobby soxer is…
  24. If you ever owned bobby socks…
  25. If you read Tiger Beat in the girls room at school…
  26. If students today read about your era in history books…
  27. If you carried mad money on dates during your high school or college years…
  28. If your sorority sisters wore pink foam rollers and half slips…
  29. If you ever wore pink foam rollers or half slips…
  30. If you know what a half slip is…

Merry Christmas and a Blessed 2026!