Category: Humor

12 Days of Christmas Gone Rogue

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12 Days of Christmas-Gone Rogue

 

12 Days of Christmas-Gone Rogue

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

1. On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree…

What a cute little birdie and I do love fruit… Apparently, my dear true love forgot I have a cat. That little bird sure can fly fast when being chased by a feline. I had a devil of a time getting him down from where he landed on the chandelier. Then the little dickens ate the biggest pear off the tree, the one I was saving to make a tart. I put the tree and its occupant on my patio. Perhaps a basket of fruit from Harry and David with a partridge figurine from Wayfair would have been a more appropriate present…

  1. On the second day of Christmas my love gave to me, two turtle doves…

It appears my love is quite the birds enthusiast, but these “peaceful” little creatures have a mean streak. They attacked the poor partridge when I placed them on the patio. The feathers are flying here today.  The veterinary bill is being sent to my darling gift giver. How can one re-gift feathered creatures?

  1. More foul – hens! Three of them, and not for Christmas dinner, either. Three French Hens, complete with a tariff bill I had to pay before they were shipped, arrived today. I don’t have a hen house, and my patio is getting crowded…
  2. The man with whom I share some affection sure is a bird lover. Today I received four squawking, er, I mean calling birds. These birds certainly need their own cell phones. My patio is beginning to look a lot like an aviary. Has this man not heard of Zales? My dear seems to forget I work from home…
  3. Finally, my true love sent jewelry – five lovely stackable gold rings. Maybe a diamond bracelet or earrings is in my future, in place of our winged friends…
  4. More feathered friends. Six geese-a-laying eggs all over my carpet. Perhaps my love is hinting he would like to come over for an omelet. I know eggs prices have soared, but this is a bit overkill…
  5. Enough with the birds already – my boyfriend sent seven more avians. Apparently my condo association has a rule about seven swans-a-swimming in the community jacuzzi. Who knew such a codicil existed? Perhaps my next gift will be a consultation with an attorney, and I will be seeking the services of a realtor in the new year. This has been a challenging week, thanks to my guy. I sincerely hope he doesn’t acquire a fondness for rodents…
  6. Well, at least no more birds. The gentlemen with whom a bit of affection is shared sent me eight maids carrying empty milk jugs, since I don’t have a cow. Perhaps tomorrow’s gift will involve bovine. I do love me some fat free milk but really, a grocery gift card would be much more appropriate here. These alleged maids did a terrible job with the kitchen and bathroom; they did nothing for my egg stained rug, either…
  7. Now there is a ballet going on in my living room. Nine ladies are dancing their hearts out here – I had to move the furniture out of the way. I am sending them and the maids to a motel for the night. My friend with benefits is getting an invoice for the Uber and accompanying accommodations…
  8. My friend without benefits has now sent ten lords-a-leaping. These men in tights already knocked over a table, broke a floor lamp, and scared my dog, who was already quite traumatized from all the birds and women that keep arriving. Another trip to the veterinary clinic…
  9. More noise in the form of eleven pipers piping in my dining room; my acquaintance really needs to choose gifts more wisely. Has this dude never heard of Sephora or Macy’s? I am amazed at what one can purchase on eBay or Amazon…
  10. Even more noise for my frenzy – a dozen drummers to give me a raging migraine. I flew the coup and filed a restraining order against lunatic “true love”.

 

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone – hope my gift of laughter made you smile this holiday season…

 

50 Trump, Not So Nice, Adjectives

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50 Trump, Not So Nice, Adjectives

50 Trump, No So Nice, Adjectives

By D. S. Mitchell

Calamity Politics is happy to announce that I, Editor-in-Chief, the only Editor, in fact, am going to devote the entire first political blog post of the day to a really nasty game.

The ‘game’ will not distract from my usual in-depth political coverage; that will come later. LOL. My regular readers know that the ‘in-depth’ description is probably a bit misleading.

I’m decently polite and tend to shyness. Rarely do I attack. But today, as I was driving back home from I-Hop this morning, I started thinking about Donald J. Trump, 47th President of the United States, con-man, self-promoter and started tossing negative adjectives around in my head as I made the drive from Medford to Grants Pass.

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Life in 1900 America

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Life in 1900 America

Life in 1900 America

By D. S. Mitchell

Yesterday, I stumbled across some statistics from 1900. Mind you, just over a 100 years ago things were very different from today. It was a simpler time; no emails to answer, no breaking news, no radio or TV to watch. I thought the information was both amusing, and eye-opening. Check it out. My furthest memories are from the 1950’s and I thought that was a very different time…and it was, but 1900, I was shocked and surprised as to how things have changed in the last 125 years. I don’t know if I could have waited a month to wash my hair, yikes!

Statistics from 1900:

1) Average life expectancy in the USA was 46 years. Compare that to the 79.6 life expectancy for 2025. 2) 14% per cent of American homes had a bathtub and a mere 8% had a telephone. 3) Mississippi, Iowa, Tennessee, and Alabama all had larger populations than California. 4) There were 8,000 cars and only a 144 miles of paved roads. Sounds like a bumpy ride for the few who could afford an automobile. 5) The average hourly wage in USA was 22 cents and the average worker made between $200-$400 a year. 6) The population of Las Vegas was either 25, or 30, depending on your resource. 7) 90% of doctors in the USA never attended college and about the same for lawyers. 8) The Eiffel Tower was the tallest structure in the world   9) Sugar cost 4 cents a pound, coffee was 15 cents a pound, and eggs were 14 cents a dozen. 10) There was a total of 230 reported murders in the USA. 11) Oklahoma, New Mexico, Arizona, Hawaii, and Alaska were not yet states.  12) Only 6% of American adults were high school graduates. 10% of adults were illiterate. 13) Most women washed their hair once a month and used egg yolks or borax for shampoo. 14) 95% of all births took place at home.  15) Leading causes of death in the USA were pneumonia, influenza, tuberculosis, heart disease, diarrhea, and stroke. 16) 18% of American homes had a full-time servant. 17) Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet.

*Hope you got a laugh or two. Calamity Politics is a progressive on-line news magazine.  This list of what was going on in 1900 came from “Uncle John’s Fast-Acting, Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader by the Bathroom Reader’s Institute, 18th Edition.”

Join the Resistance

Happy Thanksgiving, I think

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Happy Thanksgiving, I think

Happy Thanksgiving, I think

 

By David L. Shadrick

 

It seems that every newspaper headline is bad news and every social post ends in screaming profanity. I’m terrified of what Trump will do next. I feel like I’m being dangled over the fiery medical abyss. I’m 64 years old and my health is mediocre. Trump’s thoughtless and cruel assault on  healthcare, thank God so far isn’t effecting me. I got lucky enough to be pretty sick. Sick enough that so far I’ll be able to keep my Medicaid. That doesn’t mean this last 11 months hasn’t been living hell, every day besieged by media reports of the loss of medical coverage for millions of Americans; was I going to lose my needed care givers? What about my 26 medications? Or my hospital coverage? Every day has been an ‘effing nightmare. This is not the way our government, or any government, is supposed to treat its citizens.

Despite the hairpulling bullshit going on in Washington I do have several things I am happy and thankful for this year. I’m glad 7,000,000 plus  protesters took to the streets to protest Trump and his policies. I am thankful Donald Trump has cankles. I am thankful Donald Trump and MAGA lost every election in our last election cycle. I’m glad the congress overwhelmingly voted to release the Epstein files. I’m glad that the Trump fever seems to have finally broken and he is showing signs of audience weariness. Holy Moly even MTG is questioning our mango tinted captain of chaos.

So, besides the above mentioned issues I am happy we have the first American pope, and that he’s a baseball fan. I’m happy for my prayer group. I am happy for all the support they provide me. I’m thankful for getting out of the hospital in time for the Thanksgiving holiday. Despite all the chaos there are still good things happening. I just need to look a little harder for them. I know its a good time for me to eat a lot of turkey and then take a long nap.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

 

Worst Black Friday & Cyber Monday Deals

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Worst Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals

Worst Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals

Well, it looks like there’s going to be a lot of Trump and GOP paraphernalia crowding retailer’s shelves across the country as the MAGA nightmare seems to be doing a nose dive with even the diehards like Marjorie Taylor Greene. Keep an eye open for any of these great deals coming your way Black Friday and Cyber Monday. I guarantee there will be orange everywhere.

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. Trumpopoly – be the first to go bankrupt and steal from the community chest; all the cards you draw are “Get Out of Jail Free.”
  2. Mar-a-Lago tree ornament, its orange with an iconic mushroom shape.
  3. Trump lollipops – or should I say suckers, burnt orange flavor.
  4. Elon Musk Ken doll, watch out for the chainsaw.
  5. JD Vance Alan doll, oh my, Erika Kirk may want to pick up a couple of these bad boys.
  6. Melania doll – comes with a mini Hustler magazine and accompanying plastic surgeon doll.
  7. “I Beg your Pardon, I Never Promised You a Rose Garden” dance mix, sung by “The Donald” himself, on DVD.
  8. Tesla wind chimes made from recycled Tesla parts.
  9. MAGA cap, scarf, and glove set.
  10. Trump toupe – you, too, can be an orange haired monster.
  11. The pet rock returns – ICE are using the little creatures to break car windows.
  12. Trumpmania game I hear they’ll be going 10 for a dollar.
  13. “My Ding A Ling” (is now president) party dance show mix “…I want you to play with my ding-a-ling…”
  14. Tesla ride-on scooter.
  15. “The Donald” shit show shower head.
  16. Donald Diapers – he’s a big boy now.
  17. Worst Little Whorehouse in Washington DVD with special guest appearances by various friends and lovers.
  18. A giant tub of Republican mixed nuts.
  19. The barrel of monkeys from the 1960’s has been reinvented – a Barrel of MAGA’s.
  20. Another retro game, “Blockhead!” is back.
  21. Big Mac toaster oven, just like the one at the White House.
  22. Trump golf clubs with knitted orange head covers.
  23. Melania fashion and decorating tips for the “Karen” coffee table book.
  24. Melania charm school gift certificate.
  25. Orange haired big gut balloon bouquet.

Women of a Certain Age-Thanksgiving Edition

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Women of a Certain Age Thanksgiving Edition

Women of a Certain Age-Thanksgiving Edition

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. If you still the baste the turkey with butter, you might just be a woman of a certain age…
  2. If you make dressing stuffed inside the bird without fear of salmonella, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  3. If you call it pumpkin pie seasoning, not pumpkin spice, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  4. If you don’t understand why there is a pumpkin spice latte, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  5. If you wear a ruffled apron to take the turkey out of the oven, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  6. If you make your own green bean casserole, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  7. If you don’t understand why an already deceased cooked turkey needs to rest, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  8. If you have no idea what the hell a tofurky is, nor do you want to, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  9. If you start stocking up on canned pumpkin beginning November 1st, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  10. If you make mashed potatoes from scratch, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  11. If you know a way to slice cranberry sauce to camouflage the can indentations, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  12. If you recall the first Butterball turkey talk line, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  13. If you remember the first Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, well, your certainly of a very certain age – happy 100th birthday to that iconic celebration…
  14. If your Thanksgiving table has polished silver, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  15. If your Thanksgiving table has starched and ironed linens, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  16. If your Thanksgiving table has fine bone china and crystal stemware, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  17. If your Thanksgiving table includes refrigerated crescent rolls from a poppable can, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  18. If you join the men watching football only after the dishes are washed, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  19. If you make stuffing by cutting up four loaves of bread a couple days before the holiday and then let them get stale, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  20. If you have no idea what umami is and don’t want it on your Thanksgiving table, you might be a woman of a certain age…

Mom Said

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MOM SAID

Sometimes You Just Gotta Smile

“Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today-or tomorrow.“

                             Will Rogers and Margaret Williams

 

My Mom, Margaret Helen Brown (Ruffe, Williams 9/22/1909-9/22/1988), said a lot of really wise and often funny things. So, this morning as I’m scanning the internet for a special quote I saw this from Will Rogers, “Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.” Wow, I think what my Mom said was an improvement on Will Rogers. She would often say, “Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today- or tomorrow.” I like it; I hope you do to.

 

Time To Break For A Smile

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Time To Break For A Smile

Time To Break For A Smile

By D.S. Mitchell

Things have been dark around here the last few posts, so I think its time to give ourselves permission to smile. First, the shellacking of Trump in last night’s multi-state elections gives me hope. At least 60% of the American voters disapprove of Trump and his activities. People are paying attention and they don’t like Trump’s lawless, blatant, corruption, DOGE, soldiers on our streets, masked ICE thugs disappearing people, tariffs, inflation, foreign policy, and they are sending a powerful message to Trump’s White House. Open the damn government. Continue SNAP; and on and on, and on.

So, folks, let’s lighten the mood and here are 25 things that always make me smile. How about you? Make your own list. Smiling with a grateful heart is an important part of happiness.

25 Things That Make Me Smile

1.) Winning.

2.) Putting pennies in a jar, and watching it grow.

3.) Being smart.

4.) Acting stupid.

5.) Living in a vacation town, in the off-season.

6.) Blackened hot dogs. Yum. Yum.

7.) Slow dancing.

8.) Pyramids of tea sandwiches.

9.)  Knowing when its time to work; and when its time to play.

10.) Extra Crunchy Peanut Butter.

11.) Edibles.

12.) Raindrops hitting a pond.

13.)  Cookbooks with food stains on favored recipes.

14.) Front row seats.

15.) Rational thinking; easier said, than done.

16.) Following the Estate Sale signs.

17.) Giving.

18.) Sharing.

19.) Sharing childhood remembrances with a childhood friend.

20.) Order over chaos.

21.) Wild strawberries peeking up in the flowerbeds.

22.) Prime Days.

23.) Self-debates.

24.) Mail-in voting.

25.) Legalized cannabis.

 

Portland, Oregon-My Home Town

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Portland, OR-My Home Town

A couple of my friends waiting for the riots to start, but we’ve got no riots here. What we have here, in Portland, Oregon, are concerned citizens, loving their country, speaking out against a lawless president and his gang of masked thugs.

 

Something I Learned Today

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Something I learned today

Something I Learned Today

My wonderful neighbor came over this morning and gave me two free car wash coupons. I thought how sweet-then after he left, I realized I hadn’t washed my car since last Christmas when I was designated to haul the carolers around town-aaaahhhhhhh, such a gentle way 0f saying, pleeeeeze wash your car. Love thy neighbor.

D.S. Mitchell