Category: Humor

Hints Your Valentine Might Not Be A Romantic

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Hints Your Valentine Might Not Be A Romantic

Hints Your Valentine Might Not Be A Romantic

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 Here are 14 warning signs your date isn’t Cupid-approved:

  1. His idea of a romantic evening out involves a monster truck rally or tractor pull.
  2. He drops a hint that maybe you will be getting something sparkly and he gifts you a roll of ‘Sparkle’ paper towels.
  3. Instead of a heart shaped box of chocolates you get an expired granola bar with a left over Christmas bow on it.
  4. He spends half the evening comparing you to his ex (you need to run away screaming).
  5. He brings an old college chum that happens to be in town along on your date.
  6. He lives with his mom.
  7. He tells you to wear your paint clothes and ratty old sneakers on your date.
  8. He wears paint clothes and ratty old sneakers on your date.
  9. He keeps staring at his reflection in every glass surface he passes.
  10. Every gift he gives is stamped “made in PRC.”
  11. He arrives for your date with no gift and an explanation that the Dollar General had already closed.
  12. He brought an open half drunk bottle of wine for your romantic evening at home.
  13. His Valentine’s Day present is a re-gift from Christmas.
  14. A romantic dinner with this guy involves a bucket of chicken and a can of beer.

More food for thought:

In recent weeks, I have seen a number of ads for un-Valentines celebrations and I find it disparaging for such a beloved holiday. There is an old song entitled “What the World Needs Now is Love (Sweet Love)” – it goes on to say, “It’s the only thing, that there’s just too little of”; I agree. “Lord, we don’t need another mountain, There are mountains and hillsides enough to climb…” Yes, what the world needs now is love for our fellow men and women. Love for all humanity.

I know Valentines Day is about romantic love, but for this year let’s make it about love for all humankind, animals, and our planet. Let’s perform an act of kindness before we devour frilly pink and red heart-shaped boxes of chocolates and heart-shaped pizzas. A smile or a wave. Hold a door open for someone, send a card, hug somebody that needs it, agree to disagree with kindness. “Love thy neighbor as thyself”. Practice self love: take a break from social media, binge watch Hallmark movies with your significant other and your fur babies, take a bubble bath, get a massage and pedicure. Eat healthy, do some yoga, because as another tune teaches us, “love in any language, straight from the heart”, has style…

Women of a Certain Age-Old School Edition

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Women of a Certain Age – “Old School” Edition

Women of a Certain Age – “Old School” Edition

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. If you ever pinched your cheeks or bit your lips in an effort to add a rosy glow to your face, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  2. If you have ordered from Ronco…
  3. If you ever owned or used a bedazzler…
  4. If you ever blotted your lipstick on a tissue…
  5. If Jean Nate is your go to fragrance…
  6. If you ever used Youth Dew and call it simply Estee Lauder…
  7. If you know that Youth Dew started as a bath oil…
  8. If you think a Zoom do is not an online meeting. And who remembers the PBS show?
  9. If you wear Odyssey by Avon…
  10. If you wear Imari by Avon…
  11. If you think 74 year old Pierce Brosnan is young and sexy…
  12. If you are as old as the Pillsbury Doughboy…
  13. If you used anything made by Bonne Bell cosmetics…
  14. If you had a puka shell necklace…
  15. If you ever wore double belts and stirrup pants…
  16. If you ever wore a body suit with snaps…
  17. If you wore Charlie perfume and know the color variations the fragrance came in…
  18. If you ever pressed your long locks with a clothing Iron…
  19. If you ever wore shoulder pads but were not a powder puff football player…
  20. If you still wear Sweet Honesty fragrance by Avon…
  21. If you ever made and used an egg white mask…
  22. If you wash your face with Dove beauty bar for “soft dewy skin”…
  23. If if you use honey as a face mask…
  24. If you ever used Queen Helene Mint Julep mask…
  25. If you were ever long and silky or short and sassy – my husband claims that I am still short and sassy…

Happy New Year, everyone – ladies, we definitely still have style…

 

Spin

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Spin

Spin

 

By John Curran

They want an update, so I’m gonna give ’em one. It’ll probably get revised, maybe I won’t care. Anyway it goes like this…My name is Tiny and I’m actually a tiny person. You mighta’ heard about us tiny people, probably didn’t believe it. I guess it does sound fantastic to most folks, but fact is we are the original peoples. We’ve been since forever but we’ve had to lay low and get real small going back to a long time ago when we could see the shitstorm that was coming. It’s true-we are 1/12 of the normal size. So, me, well I am, six inches high. So now you know.

A small point of all this for the present moment is I have access, you could say, a most unconventional vantage point on things, especially since I have acquired this cool little knock off drone ride around. Dude, I get everywhere and pretty much see everything these days, and remain, unseen. It’s great. Anyway, speaking of, I saw it. I was buzzing right directly overhead when that heavily suited up and armed mother fucker raised his big gun up and shot the woman right in the face through the windshield of her car as she was turning her wheel away from him and the others, just scared and trying to get away. Goddamn. I saw it all, yes sir, a million times now in my dreams, thanks a lot.  How’s that for spin? I’m gonna spin right on outa’ here now, get smaller and lay da’ fuck low, trying to be cool, and nobody knows my name.

A Few Things I Trust More Than Trump

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A Few Things I Trust More Than Trump

A Few Things I Trust More Than Trump

Editor: Thanks for the laughs

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. Dollar store teeth whiteners
  2. The rhythm method
  3. Any cosmetic made in China. That goes for dog food, too.
  4. Used car salesmen
  5. Diamonds from “we might be some jewelry sellers .com”
  6. Unsolicited telemarketers that call at dinnertime
  7. Eat whatever you want and lose weight diets
  8. Unfiltered tap water from Flint, Michigan
  9. Get rich quick schemes
  10. Televangelists, especially …
  11. Food with a 1998 expiration date
  12. “But I just want to cuddle”
  13. The odometer wasn’t set back
  14. It’s fifty percent off- Today Only
  15. It was only driven on Sundays to church by a sweet old lady and her cat
  16. Sushi from a fast food establishment
  17. Chicken salad from a gas station
  18. Giving a drunk the keys to the wine cellar
  19. A date with Bill Cosby
  20. Convenience store restrooms
  21. Tom Brady offering to help with a dead battery or flat tire
  22. A pet piranha or shark
  23. A North Korean peace plan
  24. Casey Anthony as a baby sitter
  25. Retreaded tires
  26. Day old unrefrigerated scrambled eggs
  27. Four for a one dollar deli sandwiches
  28. “No, that does not make your rear end look big”
  29. My ex-boyfriend
  30. My husband’s ex-girlfriend
  31. “Of course my boobs are real”
  32. A rabid bat
  33. An appliance bought on FB Marketplace
  34. A flight on “We Might Just Make it This Time” Airlines
  35. A drive-through root canal
  36. This shot might pinch just a little
  37. Anyone I don’t know messaging me about weather conditions because I have a beautiful smile
  38. You win a million dollars if you pay a small fee
  39. The check is in the mail (who even uses checks anymore?)
  40. The house comes with a brand new roof and furnace
  41. The United States healthcare system
  42. The prince formerly known as Andrew
  43. The seven “real” Rick Springfield’s and assorted Dolly Parton’s messaging me on X
  44. Only one treatment will remove 8 inches off your thighs for just $29.99
  45. Concierge at Trump hotels
  46. Brain surgery guided by AI
  47. “I will pay you back with interest”
  48. A social media scammer that just happened to come across my profile
  49. A 25 year old prophylactic
  50. Mail order from late night television little blue pills

Hot Damn

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Hot Damn 

Hot Damn 

ON TOUR

Hollowed Out Heg and the Hit Squad with ICE  

Editor: John Curran states his short story, “Hot Damn” is total, complete, fiction.

 

By John Curran

“Hollowed out Heg and the Hit Squad with ICE,” said the poster, “On Tour with special guests,” to perhaps include Lord Lord, the big one himself, live out of the cage. And that was enough, baby, leave ’em dangling, the way they always do. Wow, Heg and the Hits, coming ‘right here’ to little Scranton, PA and we were the kickoff site. ‘Course it made perfect sense though, this was Scrappy Joe’s turf and the ‘here’ had more meaning ‘here’ than was stated on any poster.

We all knew what was coming though, perfect sense ‘n no surprise. I headed back home and got out the old zoot suit that I’d been saving for just such an occasion. The thing was on this very night. Whatever night it was, it didn’t even matter. It was always chaos with this bunch anyway; ‘ya expected it by now ‘n just went with it, whatever ‘it’ was.  What ‘ya might not know is that, in fact, Scrappy Joe’s back, believe it, and he’s been briefed on things. He’s feeln’ good, that cancer thing is done…maybe, and the Corvette’s never been faster, nor more dangerous.

“Let’s roll boys,” Joe said, pulling out of New York, headed to Scranton, to answer the challenge.

So, I pull up. Yeah, it’s a scene.  Hot Tulsi, “da Silver Streaks” is working the door; handing out red hats and small cups of green Kool Aid.

“Make you strong,” she says.

I ignore her and just bust my way in. That’s how ‘ya gotta be at these things now, act like you’re big, ‘ya know somebody, like you are somebody, it’s easy ‘ya just gotta show balls, is all. So I’m in ‘n right away I notice the little drones, sorta buzzing around. I remember that great novel, “Dune,” how prescient that was.

‘N then center stage it’s the Heg, up there face into the mike, doin’ the scowl, the famous scowl, the tough guy things he does, wow…’n then he’s into that latest ‘n greatest the Two Tap Shuffle, like he just don’t care. Well…

After that, I can’t remember much, I mighta’ had some of that green Kool Aid stuff…things got fuzzy…seems at some point a bear handler with a big ass bear, wearin’ an orange diaper ‘n a red hat, did a great rendition of ‘Heaven, It’s a Hoax, Its only Hell That’s Real,” and brought down the house, literally, as when the bomb blew up.

I was nowhere around, and Scrappy Joe in that ‘vette was half-way home, but I heard all about it.

 

Women of a Certain Age-“Old School” Edition

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Women of a Certain Age – “Old School” Edition

Women of a Certain Age – “Old School” Edition

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. If your call math “arithmetic”, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  2. If you call mathematics new math…
  3. If you ever carried books in a strap…
  4. If your back to school wardrobe included Peter Pan collars and plaid…
  5. If sleepovers during the school year meant popcorn and a Frankie Avalon movie on network TV…
  6. If you had a Friday night party with a record player and bottles of Coke…
  7. If your birthday during the school year meant homemade cupcakes for the class…
  8. If you ever took a peanut butter fluff sandwich in your Scooby Doo lunch box…
  9. If you owned a Howdy Doody lunch pail…
  10. If you watched a happy tooth film strip…
  11. If you know what a film strip is…
  12. If you had a gym uniform that was a short jumpsuit in a shade of blue…
  13. If you wore white Keds with pom-pom socks (mine were pink)…
  14. If your cheerleading uniform didn’t expose your belly button…
  15. If Friday night football games were followed up at the malt shop…
  16. If you went on high school dates at the drive-in…
  17. If you know what activity was done in a rumble seat…
  18. If you participated in said activity in a rumble seat…
  19. If you participated in the same activity at the drive in…
  20. If you know what a rumble seat is…
  21. If you had a back-to-school Lilt perm, courtesy of your older sister or cousin…
  22. If you drove to school in a 1967 Mustang…
  23. If you know what a bobby soxer is…
  24. If you ever owned bobby socks…
  25. If you read Tiger Beat in the girls room at school…
  26. If students today read about your era in history books…
  27. If you carried mad money on dates during your high school or college years…
  28. If your sorority sisters wore pink foam rollers and half slips…
  29. If you ever wore pink foam rollers or half slips…
  30. If you know what a half slip is…

Merry Christmas and a Blessed 2026!

12 Days of Christmas Gone Rogue

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12 Days of Christmas-Gone Rogue

 

12 Days of Christmas-Gone Rogue

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

1. On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree…

What a cute little birdie and I do love fruit… Apparently, my dear true love forgot I have a cat. That little bird sure can fly fast when being chased by a feline. I had a devil of a time getting him down from where he landed on the chandelier. Then the little dickens ate the biggest pear off the tree, the one I was saving to make a tart. I put the tree and its occupant on my patio. Perhaps a basket of fruit from Harry and David with a partridge figurine from Wayfair would have been a more appropriate present…

  1. On the second day of Christmas my love gave to me, two turtle doves…

It appears my love is quite the birds enthusiast, but these “peaceful” little creatures have a mean streak. They attacked the poor partridge when I placed them on the patio. The feathers are flying here today.  The veterinary bill is being sent to my darling gift giver. How can one re-gift feathered creatures?

  1. More foul – hens! Three of them, and not for Christmas dinner, either. Three French Hens, complete with a tariff bill I had to pay before they were shipped, arrived today. I don’t have a hen house, and my patio is getting crowded…
  2. The man with whom I share some affection sure is a bird lover. Today I received four squawking, er, I mean calling birds. These birds certainly need their own cell phones. My patio is beginning to look a lot like an aviary. Has this man not heard of Zales? My dear seems to forget I work from home…
  3. Finally, my true love sent jewelry – five lovely stackable gold rings. Maybe a diamond bracelet or earrings is in my future, in place of our winged friends…
  4. More feathered friends. Six geese-a-laying eggs all over my carpet. Perhaps my love is hinting he would like to come over for an omelet. I know eggs prices have soared, but this is a bit overkill…
  5. Enough with the birds already – my boyfriend sent seven more avians. Apparently my condo association has a rule about seven swans-a-swimming in the community jacuzzi. Who knew such a codicil existed? Perhaps my next gift will be a consultation with an attorney, and I will be seeking the services of a realtor in the new year. This has been a challenging week, thanks to my guy. I sincerely hope he doesn’t acquire a fondness for rodents…
  6. Well, at least no more birds. The gentlemen with whom a bit of affection is shared sent me eight maids carrying empty milk jugs, since I don’t have a cow. Perhaps tomorrow’s gift will involve bovine. I do love me some fat free milk but really, a grocery gift card would be much more appropriate here. These alleged maids did a terrible job with the kitchen and bathroom; they did nothing for my egg stained rug, either…
  7. Now there is a ballet going on in my living room. Nine ladies are dancing their hearts out here – I had to move the furniture out of the way. I am sending them and the maids to a motel for the night. My friend with benefits is getting an invoice for the Uber and accompanying accommodations…
  8. My friend without benefits has now sent ten lords-a-leaping. These men in tights already knocked over a table, broke a floor lamp, and scared my dog, who was already quite traumatized from all the birds and women that keep arriving. Another trip to the veterinary clinic…
  9. More noise in the form of eleven pipers piping in my dining room; my acquaintance really needs to choose gifts more wisely. Has this dude never heard of Sephora or Macy’s? I am amazed at what one can purchase on eBay or Amazon…
  10. Even more noise for my frenzy – a dozen drummers to give me a raging migraine. I flew the coup and filed a restraining order against lunatic “true love”.

 

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone – hope my gift of laughter made you smile this holiday season…

 

50 Trump, Not So Nice, Adjectives

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50 Trump, Not So Nice, Adjectives

50 Trump, No So Nice, Adjectives

By D. S. Mitchell

Calamity Politics is happy to announce that I, Editor-in-Chief, the only Editor, in fact, am going to devote the entire first political blog post of the day to a really nasty game.

The ‘game’ will not distract from my usual in-depth political coverage; that will come later. LOL. My regular readers know that the ‘in-depth’ description is probably a bit misleading.

I’m decently polite and tend to shyness. Rarely do I attack. But today, as I was driving back home from I-Hop this morning, I started thinking about Donald J. Trump, 47th President of the United States, con-man, self-promoter and started tossing negative adjectives around in my head as I made the drive from Medford to Grants Pass.

Continue reading

Life in 1900 America

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Life in 1900 America

Life in 1900 America

By D. S. Mitchell

Yesterday, I stumbled across some statistics from 1900. Mind you, just over a 100 years ago things were very different from today. It was a simpler time; no emails to answer, no breaking news, no radio or TV to watch. I thought the information was both amusing, and eye-opening. Check it out. My furthest memories are from the 1950’s and I thought that was a very different time…and it was, but 1900, I was shocked and surprised as to how things have changed in the last 125 years. I don’t know if I could have waited a month to wash my hair, yikes!

Statistics from 1900:

1) Average life expectancy in the USA was 46 years. Compare that to the 79.6 life expectancy for 2025. 2) 14% per cent of American homes had a bathtub and a mere 8% had a telephone. 3) Mississippi, Iowa, Tennessee, and Alabama all had larger populations than California. 4) There were 8,000 cars and only a 144 miles of paved roads. Sounds like a bumpy ride for the few who could afford an automobile. 5) The average hourly wage in USA was 22 cents and the average worker made between $200-$400 a year. 6) The population of Las Vegas was either 25, or 30, depending on your resource. 7) 90% of doctors in the USA never attended college and about the same for lawyers. 8) The Eiffel Tower was the tallest structure in the world   9) Sugar cost 4 cents a pound, coffee was 15 cents a pound, and eggs were 14 cents a dozen. 10) There was a total of 230 reported murders in the USA. 11) Oklahoma, New Mexico, Arizona, Hawaii, and Alaska were not yet states.  12) Only 6% of American adults were high school graduates. 10% of adults were illiterate. 13) Most women washed their hair once a month and used egg yolks or borax for shampoo. 14) 95% of all births took place at home.  15) Leading causes of death in the USA were pneumonia, influenza, tuberculosis, heart disease, diarrhea, and stroke. 16) 18% of American homes had a full-time servant. 17) Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet.

*Hope you got a laugh or two. Calamity Politics is a progressive on-line news magazine.  This list of what was going on in 1900 came from “Uncle John’s Fast-Acting, Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader by the Bathroom Reader’s Institute, 18th Edition.”

Join the Resistance

Happy Thanksgiving, I think

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Happy Thanksgiving, I think

Happy Thanksgiving, I think

 

By David L. Shadrick

 

It seems that every newspaper headline is bad news and every social post ends in screaming profanity. I’m terrified of what Trump will do next. I feel like I’m being dangled over the fiery medical abyss. I’m 64 years old and my health is mediocre. Trump’s thoughtless and cruel assault on  healthcare, thank God so far isn’t effecting me. I got lucky enough to be pretty sick. Sick enough that so far I’ll be able to keep my Medicaid. That doesn’t mean this last 11 months hasn’t been living hell, every day besieged by media reports of the loss of medical coverage for millions of Americans; was I going to lose my needed care givers? What about my 26 medications? Or my hospital coverage? Every day has been an ‘effing nightmare. This is not the way our government, or any government, is supposed to treat its citizens.

Despite the hairpulling bullshit going on in Washington I do have several things I am happy and thankful for this year. I’m glad 7,000,000 plus  protesters took to the streets to protest Trump and his policies. I am thankful Donald Trump has cankles. I am thankful Donald Trump and MAGA lost every election in our last election cycle. I’m glad the congress overwhelmingly voted to release the Epstein files. I’m glad that the Trump fever seems to have finally broken and he is showing signs of audience weariness. Holy Moly even MTG is questioning our mango tinted captain of chaos.

So, besides the above mentioned issues I am happy we have the first American pope, and that he’s a baseball fan. I’m happy for my prayer group. I am happy for all the support they provide me. I’m thankful for getting out of the hospital in time for the Thanksgiving holiday. Despite all the chaos there are still good things happening. I just need to look a little harder for them. I know its a good time for me to eat a lot of turkey and then take a long nap.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING