Category: Humor

Whoa, Dave!

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Whoa, Dave!

Some days just start off bad and just get worseWhoa, Dave !

I was on Facebook when I saw this post from an old friend and thought I should repost Dave’s story,

“Well I’m in the emergency room now. Ugh!! 😢 Today was not a good day at all. I decided to go horseback riding, something I haven’t done in awhile. It turned out to be a big mistake!
I got on the horse and everything started out fine. Nice and slow, but then we started moving a little bit faster. Before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go, racing pell-mell across the field. I couldn’t take the pace and fell off. I caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn’t stop. I hit my head, banged up my back and elbow, pretty good and tore my pants half off me !

Thank goodness the manager at the bake shop came out and unplugged the machine. But, she had the nerve to take the rest of my change so I wouldn’t ride the Elephant or Motorcycle. I was also banned from the Merry-go-round.”

How many of you actually read what I wrote? If you did, paste for someone else to get a laugh!
I had to. Just had to lol!!

Thanks Dave Johnson, for the laugh.

Sports Quotes Just For Laughs

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Sport Quotes Just For Laughs

Pro athletes have a way of making us laugh. Sport quotes.

Sport Quotes Just For Laughs

D. S. Mitchell

Official Play Day

I am officially declaring, today a play day here at the office. It’s great sometimes, being the boss, even if it’s only me, and Rocky. Rocky, my stalwart partner in crime is a blue and white Budgie. I have been trying to teach him to talk. So far he has mounted a full campaign of resistance. Thinking about political theory, political science, political reality, political bullshit, is about as frustrating as trying to teach my budgie to talk. So I have decided there will be no political discussion, today. There will be no analysis, there will be no relevant comment, other than what a few athletes have had to say over the years about some weird shit. So, here goes. . .

He Said What?

Mike Tyson:  Responding to a question about his retirement plans:  “Fade into Bolivian, I guess.”

Joe Theismann: “The term genius is inapplicable to anyone in this game.  A genius is Norman Einstein.”

Pedro Guerrero:  About his relationship with the press, “Sometimes they write what I say, not what I mean.”

Chuck Nevitt:  On why he appeared nervous:  “My sister is having a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an aunt or an uncle.”

Yogi Berra:  “It gets late early out here.”

George Foreman:  “There’s more to boxing than hitting.  There’s not getting hit, for instance.”

George Roberts:  “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

Tug McGraw:  “Always root for the winner.  That way you won’t be disappointed.”

Don King:  He (Chavez) speaks English, Spanish, and he’s bilingual.”

Dizzy Dean:  The doctor X-rayed my head and found nothing.

Bill Cowher:  On whether the Steelers bent NFL regulations: “We’re not attempting to circumcise the rules.”

David Thompson: “Ball handling and dribbling are my strongest weaknesses.”

Dizzy Dean: after a 1-0 game, “The game was closer than the score indicated.”

Michael Jordan: “I never lost a game, I just ran out of time.”

Thanks Rod L. Evans, Ph.D. taken with permission from his book, Tyrannosaurus Lex.

HUMOR: Let’s Find Something To Smile About

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 HUMOR: Let’s Find Something To Smile About

Times are tough, sometimes you just need to make time to smile

HUMOR: Let’s Find Something To Smile About

By D.S. Mitchell

 

Back At the Computer

I am back at the computer working on a new post for my www.calamitynewsandpolitics.com website.  Before I started this website, I worried that I wouldn’t have enough to scream about, but I’m finding that I could probably do half a dozen posts a day related to the B.S. and dangerous misinformation but I thought, before I start a fresh rant on the collapse of American democracy and other issues of importance to Western Civilization I should deliver something positive and uplifting.

So, dear hearts here are twenty-five things to make you smile:

  1. Touching toes in the night
  2. Sunsets over water
  3. Wraparound sunglasses
  4. The Science channel
  5. Kite flying contests
  6. The Muppets
  7. Astronauts on Mars
  8. Blowing the paper wrapper off the straw
  9. Winning at Poker
  10. A dog’s cold nose on your hand
  11. Barhopping on a Saturday night
  12. Old jeans that fit just right
  13. Your lover’s voice
  14. The clatter of skis being loaded for vacation
  15. The rumble of a train as it passes
  16. Walking in the rain
  17. The imagination of a six year old
  18. Margaritas at midnight (or any time, for that matter)
  19. Finishing the Sunday crossword without cheating
  20. A morning walk
  21. The smell of a new car
  22. Roller skating
  23. Your First grade teacher
  24. A sexy book
  25. Daddy’s smile

Back to the Fight

Now that we’ve had five minutes of smiles its time to get back to the fight. We have lots of work to do; stop the relentless gun violence, end state’s whittling away of our voting rights, stop anti-democratic gerrymandering that provides power to those who do not have voter support. We must halt the actions of John Robert’s  monumentally corrupt Supreme Court. Time to impeach Clarence Thomas and any other Justice that is in bed with the billionaires. And closest to my heart, the restoration of a woman’s right to choose, by the codification of Roe. We can do it all, we just need boots on the ground working toward these goals. Join the fight for democracy.

Grillin’ and Chillin’ Safely

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Grillin’ and Chillin’ Safely

Grilling is great summer fun, but here are a few tips to make your grilling safe

Grillin’ and Chillin’ Safely

Some practical tips for BBQ safety

By Anna Hessel

 

Wish There Was S’More

As we mourn the end of summer, I find myself once again fondly remembering summers gone by.  S’mores around the campfire were a summer staple – today, s’mores have lost some of their magic since  they are now on labels for beverages, Pop-Tarts, breakfast cereals, and even lip balm.  What’s next, s’mores casserole?  I actually own an indoor tabletop s’mores maker. Yes, they really have such things.  But, it isn’t quite the same thrill as finding that perfect dirt covered stick on the the ground and wiping it off on your pant leg and shoving a marshmallow on it.

Those Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Summer

Summers at the lake included the perfect little store, complete with a cooler of Coca-Cola bottles, and its matching Coke bottle opener attached to the wall. Sweet nostalgia; before there were sweetened beverage taxes to think about, or plastic bag charges.  My Aunt Irene had a talent for popsicle-breaking – she would break a banana quiescently frozen confection perfectly down the center.  Also in those days Oreos were Oreo flavored; they didn’t taste like waffles with syrup, red velvet, pumpkin spice, or even birthday cake.  Our environment was not yet destroyed, so if there was such a thing as sunscreen, almost nobody used it. Instead – baby oil and iodine gave us golden tans. Of course, I’m not advocating this now. Current research indicates such behaviors may have caused cancer in many women of my generation; not to mention ex-ray treatments for teenage acne. Flip-flops were called thongs, not bikinis – swimsuit bottoms actually covered our bottoms.  There was no need for waterproof cell phone holders – because there were no cell phones. . .hours at the pool or lake with accompanying boombox, slid happily away.

Hot Time, Summer In The City

We got ready for summer movie dates at the drive-in by setting our hair with a goopy concoction called Dippity-Do and then wrapping sections of hair around empty frozen orange juice cans, or in some cases, beer cans. I hear  you can still get that product on Amazon. In those days, mousse was a chocolate dessert, not a hair product.  Pink flamingos, despite their color, were considered tacky, not haute decor.

Serving Dinner

An American flag, a potted geranium, and a welcome mat were all the outdoor decoration we needed, in those days.  The redwood picnic table held heaping platters of corn-on-the-cob and slices of watermelon.  Tomatoes came from my uncle’s garden, and were perfect on hamburgers, and toppers for cool salads.  Summers were simpler then; a time to relax and renew.  Well, I am going to be going in my usual direction and reach out to the local supermarket for a package of buns, and then I will be going in a different direction to my favorite nail salon for my mani-pedi, because when I reach out, I do it in style…

Chill And Grill

Summer, of course, also means, at least for my better half and his dad, that it’s time to fire up the grill.  My hubby is in his culinary element, the Bobby Flay of our patio.  Decked out in a chef’s hat (received from a Pillsbury promotion), and his “Kiss the Cook” apron (a birthday gift from yours truly), my spouse is ready to smoke up the neighborhood.

Order Up!

No gas grills for my guy; nothing says summer like the taste of lighter fluid on a chicken thigh.  I watch the action from my favorite Adirondack chair, an iced mocha latte at hand, as I bear witness to a wide variety of foods disappearing under the hood of his shiny blue Weber kettle grill.  Tuna steaks, salmon burgers, hotdogs, skewers of various vegetables, watermelon, peaches, and even a foil wrapped banana stuffed with chocolate and butterscotch chips; we can’t eat a summer meal that does not bear grill marks.  Carrying my favorite Pioneer Women platter aloft, tongs strapped to his belt and man’s best friend at his heels, just in case something were to fall off that tray, my loveable grill master cooks with style…

Grill Without Fail

And while you’re all grilling with style, make sure you are cooking safely.  Whether you choose charcoal or gas, these tips assembled by my husband, Wes Hessel, can make you the grill master of safety when you cook outdoors this season:

  1. Start safe by selecting your meats or seafood just before checking out at the store, putting them in a separate section of the cart, and have them bagged individually in plastic to avoid cross-contamination.
  2. Keep your items to cook in the refrigerator until right before you put them on the grill, or if you are grilling away from home, use a well-insulated cooler and ice or cold packs to keep the food temperature below 40 degrees.
  3. Wash your hands before and after working with raw meat or seafood or if soap and water are not available, use a hand sanitizer of at least 70% alcohol. Use separate cutting surfaces for raw meat or seafood, dispose of any leftover marinade or sauce which was in contact with raw meat or seafood, and use a fresh, clean plate for prepared foods.
  4. Use a meat thermometer to make sure items you are cooking reach safe temperatures, per the CDC:
  • 145°F – whole cuts of beef, pork, lamb, and veal (standing time of 3 minutes at this temperature)
  • 145°F – fish
  • 160°F – hamburgers and other ground beef
  • 165°F – all poultry and pre-cooked meats, like hot dogs
  • After grilling, keep the food at 140°F or warmer until it’s served
  1. Keep your grill surface, drip trays, and the like clean to avoid grease fires
  2. Be careful not to put too much food on the grill at one time.
  3. Avoid direct contact of the flame to the food – there is strong evidence that flames touching food can create carcinogens. Indirect cooking methods are a smart way to avoid this risk.
  4. If your grill is gas, regularly check for leaks with a light soap and water solution, and certainly never turn gas on with the lid closed. If a flame goes out, turn off all the gas and wait five minutes with the lid open before relighting.  If you smell gas while grilling, immediately get away from the grill and keep everyone else away, then call your fire department.
  5. If your grill is charcoal, regularly empty the ash pan/receptacle.
  6. If you are using a “starter fluid” such as lighter fluid, always place it on the coals before they are lit. NEVER put starter fluids or any other flammable on a burning fire.  Better yet, use an electric fire starter or charcoal chimney to get your grill going.
  7. Charcoal and propane are for outdoor use only.
  8. Your grill should never be closer than 10 feet to your home or garage; for those of you living in multi-family dwellings, keep the grill well away from any entrances or fire exits.
  9. Avoid placing the grill under building overhangs made of wood-based materials or overhanging branches, nor near deck railings.
  10. Décor is pretty but must be kept away from the grill.
  11. A fire extinguisher should be kept close, and be sure you are familiar with its proper use. If you are not comfortable using one, if a fire occurs, immediately call 911.  A spray bottle of clean water for minor “flare ups” will not cause harm to the food on the grill.
  12. Never leave your grill unattended, even for a minute, especially if there are children or pets around, and do not let them get closer than three feet to the grill. When you are finished grilling, turn off the gas (if applicable), close the lids, and any vents to completely extinguish the fire.  Always make sure the grill is completely cold before properly disposing of used coals and ashes.

These guidelines will keep the rest of your grilling season safe and enjoyable.  I wish you all a safe remainder of summer, full of sunny days and style.

59 Things to Smile About

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59 Things to Smile About

Let's talk about smiles today

59 Things to Smile About

 

By D. S. Mitchell

 

1.) The roll of thunder and the flash of lightening

2.) The sound of crows calling
3.) Grandma’s 1940 aluminum cake carrier
4.) Having a flower budget
5.) Toddlers in sandboxes
6.) Homemade tamales
7.) Fresh baked apple pie
8.) Big Sur
9.) Fire trucks all red and shiny
10.) Liquor in crystal decanters

11.) Walking the dunes
12.) Tillamook cheddar cheese
13.) Sails in the wind
14.) Still saving my change in a piggy bank
15.) Making church steeples with my hands
16.) Finding a parking space at the front door
17.) Making Cannabis truffles
18.) Eating Cannabis truffles
19.) A ‘she-shed’ for the garden
20.) Waltzing in the Pittock Mansion ballroom
21.) Scrabble on a rainy Sunday

22.) My Alma Mater, Portland State University, Portland, Oregon
23.) Daddy’s cherished gray ‘Bogie’ Fedora
24.) Snowmobile races
25.) 501’s and a leather jacket
26.) The art section at Goodwill
27.) Lake life
28.) Ping Pong basement championships

29.) Making floral bouquets from flowers collected from the yard
30.) High school football games
31.) White cotton shorts
32.) Being nice when someone calls you vulgar names on Twitter
33.) Astoria Sunday Market, on a sunny day
34.) A drive up mailbox
35.) A dog

36.) A cat
37.) Fresh baked bread
38.) First day of school
39.) Last day of school
40.) Wainscotting
41.) Cheese fondue with little bread squares
42.) Having read every book on the shelf
43.) Shiny oak floors
44.) First ski week-end
45.) A Blue Heron in the marsh

46.) Walking hand in hand with a child
47.) Wrapped peppermints in a glass dish
48.) Making pictures out of clouds
49.) Old photo albums
50.) Peanuts and popcorn at the ball game
51.) Oversize reckless, passionate modern art pieces
52.) Never feeling older than 17
53.) Powell’s Books, Pearl District, Portland, Oregon
54.) Spring wildflowers

55.) White curtains, blowing gently on a summer breeze

56.) Looking at childhood pictures in an old photo album

57.) Catching crawdads with my grandson

58.) Lunch with the girls

59.) Snuggling and cuddling with someone special

I hope some of my reasons to smile, made you smile. Tomorrow, Calamity News and Politics will be back covering the Washington, D.C. hotplate, and I doubt  there will be many reasons to smile in that environment.

 

 

Summer Sun and Fun

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Summer Sun and FunPink Flamingo Get a Lot of Attention

Summer Sun and Fun

By Anna Hessel

 

It’s Not Over ‘Til It’s Over

As summer comes to its close, here are some fun reflections and sage advice on how to enjoy the remainder of the season…

Everybody In The Pool…

The opening of our local water parks and pools proved to be much fun; I can’t help but notice the difference between how men and women prepare for a day at the pool.  Since a week in Tahiti to get in the right mind set is a bit unrealistic, women begin with a mani-pedi, bikini wax at the European Wax Center, and a stop for beachy waves at their salon of choice.

Shop ‘Til You Drop

Of course, a trip to the favorite shopping center is in order (including the requisite stop at Starbuck’s for a mocha latte) to choose several new swimsuits, swim skirts, swim coverups, sundresses, two pair of designer sunglasses, toe rings, ankle bracelets, sandals, flip-flops, an attractive beach tote with a pretty scarf tied to the handle to carry it all in (mine is pink), a sun umbrella (mine is pink), beach towels from Big Lots (mine are pink), and a straw sun hat from the local millinery boutique.

Just A Few Sundries

Next comes the cosmetics: sunscreen in various levels of SPF, clarifying shampoo,  dry shampoo, volumizing conditioner, hair mousse, papaya body wash, hyacinth body scrub, coconut almond moisture bath bar, cucumber melon moisturizing spray, Tiki Beach body spray from Bath & Body Works, deodorant/antiperspirant, pre-tan accelerator, after-sun lotion, spray-on lotion, cocoa butter hand cream, pina colada flavored tinted lip balm with SPF, waterproof mascara, waterproof blush, bronzer, BB cream with SPF, lavender mint moisturizer, Avon Skin So Soft, makeup remover, grapefruit toner, day cream, eye cream from Rodan + Fields, mandarin orange body butter, peach foot cream, body firming lotion, talc-free powder, mint mouthwash, travel size toothbrush and whitening toothpaste, waterproof brow gel, Clinique Chubby Stick in Cherry, Band-Aids (mine are Hello Kitty – they were out of pink) , antibacterial wipes, hand sanitizer, brush, comb, curling iron, flat iron, hot rollers, blow dryer (mine is Hello Kitty and pink), water bottle (mine is pink), waterproof smartphone cover (mine is pink), headphones (mine are pink), fresh unmentionables (may I mention, mine are pink), wash cloth, fingertip towel (mine is guess what color? Pink!), loofa, and shower pouf (mine is pink).

Read On…

Add in some quality reading material, including the Good Book, the latest issue of Elle, Glamour, Cosmo, Good Housekeeping, a Harlequin “Love Inspired” romance, a Legally Blonde novel, and of course, something by Debbie Macomber.  Now if you are a mom, taking your children to the pool, the above list will most likely triple in size, adding healthy and fun snacks (just don’t eat them on the pool deck), a bevy of swim toys, water wings, and lots of Little Swimmers Diapers for the littlest ones.

All That Truck

As my husband was getting out the hand truck to take my teensie beach tote to the car, all the while muttering something about hernias and the kitchen sink missing, I snuck a peak at his beach bag: last year’s swim trunks in a plastic grocery sack from Walmart; you gotta’ love a man with style…

Waxing Eloquent

Of course, one of my favorite parts of summer is a trip to the full-fledged water park; this means a major hair removal spree – winter allows us to only shave to the knee.  I tried on my new swimsuit and looked like an orangutan wearing tube socks.  I better add a Brazilian wax to my pedicure on the beauty prep list.  I often wonder, why this waxing is not referred to as Australian or the Cuban wax?  Let’s just refer to it as a bikini wax, shall we?

Packing Light

As I am packing my new tote bag for the park (mine is pink with matching princess beach towel), I notice my husband is packing his plastic grocery bag.  In goes an old Spiderman beach towel, his brand-new swim trunks (his are light blue with orange pineapples emblazoned on them), a faded purple T-shirt, and green flip-flops for his feet.  He adds a Cubs hat in their trademark dark blue to this cheeky ensemble.

I Don’t Know Him

Upon arrival at the water park, I pretend I don’t know my spouse of 31 years.  I receive a sympathetic glance from a well-coordinated woman whose husband is attired in a red, orange, and yellow Hawaiian shirt from three decades past, faded green trunks, and argyle socks with sandals.  He proudly pulls a T-shirt announcing “My kid went to Florida and all I got was this lousy shirt” from his paper grocery sack.  I smile and give a knowing nod to his attractive wife, taking comfort in the knowledge that my man has style…

Fly In The Flamingos

Of course, COVID had caused havoc with summer pool season 2020-2021 to be non-existent, so I was extremely grateful when swimming establishments re-opened last year. I am fully vaccinated and boosted and I am always more than ready for some fun in the sun.  Last season, however, patrons had to provide their own chairs; this fact sent me on a search for two matching loungers, a task that proved more difficult than I imagined.  I finally found a duo at a mass retailer, but the individual chairs were at separate locations.  To my chagrin, the set’s motif featured pink flamingos.  My favorite color, yes, but the graphics of the cartoonish form of the tall birds, not so much.  Back in the day, plastic flamingos were not considered the most elegant of décor, but now, there is a sea of them wherever I look.  They are all the rage – they have become the pumpkin spice of summer.

Don’t Be An Angry Bird

Don’t get me wrong, actual live flamingos are very cool birds.  But too much of a good thing is, well, too much.  I have seen flamingo everything: beach totes, towels, swimwear, sunglasses, pool floats, drinkware, dinnerware, neon-lit sculptures, solar yard lights, mailbox covers, flags, shower curtains complete with matching beak rings, earrings, robes, PJ’s, slippers, bedding, mani-pedi nail designs, and even out-of-season Christmas tree ornaments, just to name a few.  A wooden sign reminds me to be a flamingo standing tall, finding balance, getting your feet wet, to keep on digging until you find what you’re looking for, to remain flexible, support your flock, and of course, always be “fla-mazing”.  Now I will admit I have a tin plaque on my rear patio that announces one must, “Be a flamingo in a flock of pigeons”.  But to be quite honest, the entire flamingo craze escapes me.

Mine Is Pink, His, Well…

Since my lounge chair coordinates with my solid pink beach bag, towel, and flip-flops, I have somehow convinced myself that this sun chair purchase is whimsical.   My other half, although disappointed that he did not receive a navy and white striped beach lounger for his birthday, secure in his masculinity, he is making do with pink flamingos.  A glance in his direction shows he is extracting his old faded red and blue Spiderman beach towel from his plastic grocery bag, to spread across his pink flamingo chair, making us even more of a spectacle at the water park. As I lower my ample derriere to lounge upon the faces of 100 unsuspecting fake flamingos, I can’t help but wonder what in tarnation has happened to style…

The Dog Days of Summer

It’s hard to believe summer will soon be coming to an end – August, for me, means a wedding anniversary trip to yet another water park, one of the advantages of being married in the “dog days” of August.  This got me to thinking why we refer to the summer heat as “dog days”.  Our cats actually agree with our dog that they don’t like the heat, either.  I decided to do some research – in other words, I Googled it – to find that the phrase has nothing to do with doggies languidly sleeping in the shade.

Barking Up The Wrong Tree?

In reality, dogs are not involved at all per se – the origins of the phrase take us all the way back to ancient times in Rome and Greece; the star Sirius, a part of the constellation Canis Major, is called the “dog star”, and is the brightest shining in the waning summer sky.  It was considered the greater dog, which moved in the direction of the sun.  The star group normally can only be seen during the winter, but the Romans and Greeks were aware that the constellation, and the dog star itself, traveled towards the sun during the late summer, therefore called this time period the “dog days”.

The Phrase That Pains

This explanation led me to ponder about some other often-used phrases, which I must admit I find annoying.  The one which bothers me the most is the overused term “reach out” – in my opinion, reaching out is something one would do to aid their fellow man such as baking a cake for a sick neighbor or helping someone to change a tire.  Reaching out, to me, really has nothing to do with a call to the cable company, the bank, or my insurance agent.  Another rather silly nouveau cliché is the profound “it is what it is”; well, duh, it isn’t what it isn’t…  That made no sense, even to a blonde – please feel free to email your explanation.  I also find the phrase “we are moving in a different direction” particularly appalling, especially when used to terminate a long-term and loyal employee.  Back in the day we simply said, “you’re fired!”, because “it is what is”, and this reference has nothing to do with the dreaded Donald.

Until it Ends

Soon my fevered brain will be challenged  by the ridiculousness of pumpkin spice lattes, Santa decorated boxer shorts, and PJ’s emblazoned with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, but until I fold up my pink beach towel and slide it into my little pink tote for the last day at the waterpark, let’s have some fun.

Hug Yourself…We All Need Some Self-Love

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Editor’s Note: When I picked up Wes and Anna’s article on self-love I knew they were sending it to me personally. Anna has been aware of some upending events in my personal life recently and she sent this unsolicited piece to remind me that sometimes you need to check out of the chaos and just be kind to yourself. Thanks Anna and Wes for knowing how to support a friend. Sending hugs your way.

 

Hug Yourself….We All Need Some Self-Love

Be kind to yourself 

By Anna Hessel with Wes Hessel

 

You Only Have One You

In tumultuous times, self care, self love, and choosing to be comfortable in our own skin are as important as ever.  Here are some ways to stay positive and upbeat in a negative world:

  1. Remember that Joe Biden, not Donald Trump, is President.
  2. Reading relaxes – curl up with a good book, the Good Book perhaps; read a newspaper or magazine, read blogs (especially this one).
  3. Comfort foods are comforting in moderation and fruits and veggies will keep you healthy.
  4. Exercise: it gives you endorphins, and endorphins sure do make you happy.
  5. That glass of wine, margarita, martini, or Kahlua can be a comfort but do not over do.
  6. Prayers and meditation are a healing balm to a weary soul.
  7. Get a manicure, pedicure, facial, massage, or body wrap – think of it as an investment in yourself.
  8. Use a facemask, take a bubble bath, or a hot shower.
  9. Look at art, it is calming and thought provoking – in a gallery or museum can add to the impact.
  10. Cook or bake a new or old favorite recipe, and then actually eat it, or share it with others.

Let It Out

  1. Light some scented candles, just not so many that you burn the place down, because only a fire in a fireplace or grill is comforting. Opt to meet your fire department at their next open house, not before.
  2. Smile – it takes less muscles to grin versus frowning.
  3. Realize it’s okay to not be okay. God gave us emotions for a reason – controlling them is not always for the best.
  4. Embrace the sadness as you work through the pain – God has your back.
  5. Take a dip in a pool – as long as it’s actually open.
  6. Enjoy a sauna or whirlpool – ditto.
  7. Contact a friend; real friends don’t judge – they encourage, commiserate, and help you to see humor, if there is any, in a given situation.
  8. Call clergy or a help line if things get too difficult for you to deal with on your own.
  9. Scream loud, it actually helps – just do it in an appropriate place; in line at the grocery store, the dry cleaners, a church, theater, or at the department of motor vehicles (tempting though it may be) are not on the list of appropriate places.
  10. Listen to music, it soothes the soul and the savage beast – or is that breast?

You’re Worth It

  1. Hear children’s laughter.
  2. Laugh at something funny or silly – laughter really is the best medicine, after all.
  3. Binge watch favorite shows, take in a movie, find new favorite shows, or watch your favorite film (mine is Legally Blonde but there are many more movies that I love). Give me a chick flick anyday.
  4. Take a break from social media drama – yes, this means you, Facebook.
  5. Do an act of kindness for someone, because being nice never goes out of style.
  6. Compliment someone.
  7. Clean out that closet, and donate what you don’t need – one person’s trash is another’s treasure. Let’s not fill up those landfills.
  8. Dance and don’t care who is watching.
  9. Sing your favorite song loud, even if it is off key.
  10. Take a class – it shows you have some.

Try Something

  1. Go for a walk or a drive, nature can comfort even the most frazzled nerves, but always on designated paths or roads, unless you’re the off-road type.
  2. Turn everything off.
  3. Talk to Alexa – her and I have had some wonderful conversations.
  4. Have a date night – if you don’t have a significant other, date yourself.
  5. Pet an animal – ‘fur-babies’ are an uplifting lot.
  6. Play a board game with friends, but don’t argue over what Free Parking is for, or who gets the dog or the top hat.
  7. Get dressed up, wear a silly hat, or some Betsey Johnson boots.
  8. Play in the snow or the sand.
  9. Redecorate – do something different to spice up your decor. I, however, do not recommend painting multiple color stripes on the walls.
  10. Deep clean the whole house – spring cleaning isn’t just for spring.

Get Out And Get Going…

  1. Window shop, and maybe even stop in to buy something special.
  2. Go to the grocery store on free sample day. Costco has samples everyday.
  3. Volunteer – it helps you and someone else.
  4. Watch a Little League baseball, or pee wee football game, go to your local high school musical, or attend a dance or piano recital, just not as one of those parents.
  5. Drink a glass of champagne while wearing your best outfit – celebrate you.
  6. Stomp your feet, it’s fun – just make sure the surface you’re doing it on can withstand it.
  7. Ride a bike, motorcycle, or snowmobile. How about a Qubi?
  8. Go horseback riding.
  9. Do yoga, water aerobics, barre, spin class, Pilates, or another group exercise – twitch those hips (not twerk)
  10. Take a dance class – ballet, ballroom, and belly dancing are always fun and great exercise; work those endorphins as per Elle Woods.

Prescribe Yourself a Chill Pill

  1. Take a deep breath and exhale.
  2. Watch a sunrise or sunset. How about both?
  3. Stretch – physically or emotionally.
  4. Do something out of your comfort zone but keep it within reason. Getting arrested is not what I’m suggesting here; but maybe try a Karaoke night out.
  5. Visit your place of worship, local library, or neighborhood park.
  6. Attend an online or live event, such as a concert, lecture, or play.
  7. Challenge someone to a short race. It doesn’t matter who wins – you’re in the running.
  8. Walk, dance, or sing in the rain – umbrella or rain slicker optional.
  9. Clear out the kitchen cabinets and donate to a food pantry.
  10. Visit an elderly person – it will make their day and they may just share their wisdom with you.

It’s The Little Things

  1. Count your blessings, even when things are rough – sadness and difficult circumstances will not last forever; this too shall pass.
  2. Thank heaven for being alive.
  3. Smell a bouquet of flowers or your favorite fragrance.
  4. Laugh at yourself, that’s okay to do.
  5. Go to a planetarium, zoo, or aquarium – kiss a dolphin.
  6. HUG! If no one else is available, just wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze – you deserve it.
  7. Write a letter, article, or essay.
  8. Paint something but make sure you own what you chose to paint.
  9. A walk around the block can cure the blues, especially with a dog, friend, or significant other. I don’t recommend walking the cat – just give them a pat on the way out the door.
  10. Wash and wax the car – maybe vacuum it, too.

And Now For Something Completely Different…

  1. Watch cats stretch.
  2. Watch puppies or kittens play.
  3. Order take out, wear your jammies, and watch a black and white show or film.
  4. Look at your high school yearbook and smile at your hair style, then recreate that do. Try on your high school cheerleading outfit, letter jacket, bell-bottom jeans, or other apparel of years gone by.  I certainly don’t mean to boast but the earrings I wore to prom I can still fit in.
  5. Prepare something from a basket of strange ingredients and pretend you are a “Chopped” competitor.
  6. Be silly, not stupid.
  7. Stand up to someone that irritates you, but do so with dignity and class.
  8. Get naked but not in public.
  9. Check out some fun vintage things – a trip down memory lane is good for the spirit.
  10. Do your old high school or college cheer, even if the uniform no longer fits (see # 74).

Do For You And Others

  1. Throw your bathroom scale in the dumpster.
  2. Donate clothes or personal care items to a shelter, clothing closet, or pantry.
  3. Adopt a senior pet.
  4. Become a foster family.
  5. Walk barefoot in the grass or on the beach; you’ve never seen a “Do not walk on the sand sign”, right?
  6. See live theater and enjoy the magic from the stage.
  7. Eat the cookie.
  8. Try a new hairstyle, a different shade of lipstick, or tie a pretty scarf around your neck.
  9. Remember we have a female Vice President – be very cautious where you walk, because that ceiling has been shattered, and there’s glass everywhere. I just have to recall Kamala Harris stating, “So help me, God”, on inauguration day when I need a boost of confidence.
  10. Collect items for Ukrainian refugees, donate to the cause, and keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

Just Breathe…

  1. Invite your in-laws to lunch, you’re in a bad mood anyway.
  2. Go out to brunch with your besties, and drink mimosas or morning glows (mimosas made with wine, my signature cocktail)
  3. Visit your local park district or recreation department, and sign up for classes or events.
  4. Go to a farmers market – spend some time browsing and shopping.
  5. Go boutique hopping with a group of friends – it’s much more productive than bar hopping.
  6. Check into a hotel and be a guest.
  7. Jump in the pile of leaves or snow.
  8. Build a snowman or a sandcastle, or make a snow angel.
  9. Play with dolls, balls, or jump ropes – be a kid again.
  10. Hop on one foot – brush yourself off and start all over again when you fall down.
  11. Just breathe and feel the energy of God’s universe.
  12. Put up a Donald Trump dartboard, and get that pitching arm ready…

60 Beauty Tips For Women Of A Certain Age

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60 Beauty Tips For Women Of A Certain Age

As Women's History Month comes to a close, Anna Hessel pokes fun at women of a certain age.

60 Beauty Tips For Women Of A Certain Age

By Anna Hessel

 

Certain Age, Turn The Page…

In honor of Women’s History Month, let’s help us beautiful women of a certain age look and feel our best with sixty ways to be fabulous in your forties, fifties, sixties, seventies, eighties, nineties, and beyond…

Ten For Zen…

  1. Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize…
  2. Choose dentists wisely – be as discerning as you would with any other doctor, and use teeth whitening products. White teeth take years off your face.
  3. Accessorize; don’t overdo it but definitely use accessories to your best advantage.
  4. Don’t ever wear stained clothes or apparel with holes or tears, unless they are supposed to be there.
  5. Wear clothes that fit and float away from the body. Don’t let frumpy become your friend. This goes double for tacky; don’t look cheap.
  6. Even if you can only afford thrift or mass merchandise store clothes, keep them clean and repaired. Check seams and button holes for the best quality you can afford.
  7. Get manicures and pedicures – chipped polish and talons are not flattering.
  8. Wear a decent bra and Spanx or the like.
  9. Avoid dangerous plastic surgery but non invasive Brazilian butt lifts, face peels, skin tightening, microdermabrasion, and micro-needling can help you look your best.
  10. Don’t smoke.

Twenty And Plenty…

  1. Bathe or shower daily.
  2. Moisturize your eye area; I have used Vaseline and eye cream for years, and it pays off.
  3. Bangs are cheaper and likely safer than Botox.
  4. Get some exercise. I love water exercise; dance, yoga – do whatever your mobility level allows.
  5. Wear whatever you like – age appropriate is what you can rock, however, don’t wear clothes with teddy bears or the like.
  6. Use a good quality neck cream, whatever you can afford, but expensive doesn’t always mean better.
  7. Try to avoid stress but if you can’t destress the best you can.
  8. Be well groomed – razors, tweezers, and waxing are your friends.
  9. Wear makeup – not too much, not too little.
  10. Smile, even if your mask hides it – your eyes show it.

Thirty And Flirty…

  1. Laugh lines mean you laugh and have joy in your life. We have earned every wrinkle.
  2. Go blonde, it gives the illusion of thickness, hides gray hairs, and adds body.
  3. Do not wear socks with sandals, or Velcro closure anything, ever.
  4. Get your rest, eat in color: fruits, veggies, lean protein, and don’t over do sugar.
  5. Don’t over indulge in alcohol but wine can be a mature woman’s friend.
  6. Search the net or magazines for hairstyles that flatter mature faces and thinner tresses. Take a photo to show your hair stylist. Avoid gels, opt for mousse. Condition but don’t over condition. Dry shampoos for bangs and the scalp area are helpful.
  7. Find a skin care regimen that works for you. Never go to bed without washing your face. Wash the makeup and day away but avoid harsh cleansers.
  8. Don’t blot your lipstick.
  9. Matte lipsticks are great under a mask but drying. Don’t forget your lip area – lip masks and balm are very important
  10. Exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate…

Forty And Fun…

  1. Eyebrows need extra care at our age: pencil, gel, henna, and tints are all options to fill in sparse brows.
  2. Mascara both top and bottom lashes; falsies are in style, go for it…
  3. A bit of fragrance adds a feminine touch.
  4. Smart is beautiful.
  5. Have fun – it will take some years off.
  6. Have faith – it shows on your face.
  7. Use heat hair styling appliances sparingly and condition, but be careful of conditioners and hair products that weigh hair down.
  8. Avoid severe hair styles and extra heavy hair spray.
  9. I had read someplace that beautiful Martha Stewart starts each day by applying a face mask. I have begun to adopt this daily routine.
  10. It’s okay to not be twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, sixty or even seventy, beauty is not a number or a size.

Fifty And Nifty…

  1. Parabens, mineral oil, and petroleum, I do avoid but admit to using petroleum jelly. Try coconut oil for a natural alternative.
  2. Avoid chemicals, preservatives, artificial flavors or colors, and processed food.
  3. Wear Betsey Johnson and Norma Kamali; at what age do we stop having fun with our clothes and accessories? Never.
  4. Be cautious and educated before trying a new beauty procedure of any kind.
  5. Tried and true microdermabrasion is a great exfoliating treatment, salon or home based – it gets rid of dead skin cells; use a firming moisturizer to follow.
  6. Products containing retinol, hyaluronic acid, and salicylic acid are helpful. A good facial with extraction will remove blackheads safely.
  7. Avoid adult acne with proper cleansing and use heavy moisturizers, especially those containing oils, in moderation. A little goes a long way.
  8. Minoxidil for women and supplements such as biotin for hair, skin, and nails are excellent for women our age, as our hair thins.
  9. Don’t sleep on your face and keep linens, especially pillowcases, very clean.
  10. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate – drink plenty of water. We filter our tap water and I love bottled water, especially Evian.

Sixty Is Sexy…

  1. Avoid saturated fats, but opt for healthy fats such as nuts, salmon and the like.
  2. Don’t experiment with new skin or hair care before a major event; this goes double for haircuts and beauty procedures.
  3. We all have an overly enthusiastic friend, family member, or colleague that sells a direct market cosmetic line that is working wonders for them, maybe we sell a line ourselves, but don’t feel obligated to buy, use what works for you. Don’t expect to look twenty again; be realistic in choosing skin care but good dermal maintenance is a must.
  4. Pets are a blessing – they help us destress and show lots of love. Show your love to an animal, it will show on your beautiful face.
  5. Maintain excellent posture – don’t slouch still holds true. Hold your tummy in, your shoulders back and down. Strut like you mean it, knee brace and all.
  6. If you can no longer wear stilettos, there are many attractive shoes out there with lower heels or flats.
  7. Make your own homemade beauty products. Find recipes online or experiment. It’s a great way to use up recently outdated fruits, yogurt, cucumbers, or the like. Coffee grinds make a great cellulite treatment but can be a bit of a mess to use.
  8. We all know what Elle Woods says about endorphins: “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy.” Sex is exercise – just saying…
  9. Live life like Elle after Warner tells her she is not smart enough for Harvard Law.
  10. “And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance…” Dancing will give you endorphins…

Ready, Set, Grow!

Go for it, beautiful woman of a certain age – you are stunning…

John “Jack” Addison Babcock

  By , , , ,

Jack Babcock   6/7/1948-2/21/2022

Honoring the life of writer, poetic, Jack Babcock

Jack Babcock   6/7/1948-2/21/2022

“. . .And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.” Rest in peace dear friend, you will be missed.

Editor: It is with deep sadness that Calamity News and Politics announces the death of our dear friend and contributor, Jack Babcock. Jack was a passionate and prolific writer and poet. He had a wonderful sense of humor that drew people to him and he had a very rich social life with many interests and hobbies. He loved birds and animals. He enjoyed playing the guitar, and reading T. S. Eliot. If you’ve visited CNP before you have probably seen some of his postings. Although Jack passed in late February his Memorial Service was held yesterday, 3/5/2022. So today is a good day to laugh a bit and look for the bright side of the situation; that was Jack’s way. You can find Jack Babcock’s books of poems on his Amazon site at this link:

You can find him at https://www.amazon.com/s?k=jack+babcock&ref=nb_sb_noss

POETRY MORSELS

By Jack Babcock 

the bird

the birds
wings cut the sky
another bird proud
has his own
way to fly
cutting the sky
hovering over his nest
as if to say
I am the best
His wings cut the sky
Amazing you and I

********

Bed

I saw on the tube
An ad for a bed
King sized

I’m single bed Jack

It would be nice to do things in two

doing things in one tho is nice
no petty quarrels
no intrigue no spice

one is just fine for now
two is too many maybe

my uncle used to say
that he was a lone angel

so be it. I’m an angel.

********

living

what’s the point of living
if you can’t
smoke a cigarette
drink a beer
blow some dope
or
drop some acid
what’s the point
Author’s note:
14 years of sobriety

********

baseball

illness

I have 3 illnesses

Schizophrenia
Diabetes
Acute kidney disease

3 strikes 3 strikes and you’re out

But I feel pretty well

Jack lived in suburban NE Portland, Oregon. In 2020 his suburban neighborhood was threatened by wildfires. They were on a standing Fire Evacuation Alert (Red Alert Level 3) for a week. It was pretty scary times here on the west coast. I remember the sky was a sallow yellow and the smoke was blinding. Totally unprecedented devastation.  I thought readers might enjoy Jack’s quirky take on that very dangerous situation.

fire

the red sun

peers thru the smoke

the news is near doom

I haven’t had asparagus in years

or a banana split

the president waves a flag

I hope for one last good meal

Red Alert Level 3.

Jack graduated from U of O with a degree in English and he went on to Lewis and Clark law school. Although his grades had been good enough to get him into law school, he became too sick with Schizophrenia to continue after his first year. Please enjoy Jack’s quirky take on life, and the deep pain of his mental illness. Being smart and doing all the right things doesn’t protect you from mental illness.

Brown Door

the brown door is shut……

I’m mentally ill. I smash the door, howl and scream.

Let me out of this madhouse quoth I.

and behind the brown door are lunatics.

drooling, sneezing, coughing, playing

with themselves.

what do they need?

just not to be put behind the brown door.

they need sunshine and music, laughter.

but, the brown door is shut.

********

Sweet Julia

i compared you

to a movie star

you balked

said you weren’t that attractive

is it possible

you don’t know how pretty you are

Julia

i told someone

i write you letters, poems

they thought that was sweet and kind

nothing of the sort

i do what i have to do

i feel i must write to you

looking at things

my aunt left me

an utrillo print

a few rings

a spode china set

all so pretty

so real, i love them, i loved my aunt

and there is you

my dear

i think i love you too.

********

Well

yotta yotta yata

so it goes

pornography or poetry

yadda yadda ya

whats the diff

it seems important to smile

death has no

yadda yatta

freedom and obscurity

yotta yotta ya

what now my love?

yotta ya.

 

https://www.calamitypolitics.com/2019/02/13/mental-illness-i-m-prism-by-jack-babcock/

https://www.calamitypolitics.com/2020/09/14/fire-by-jack-babcock/

What’s In A Name

  By , , ,

What’s In A Name

Change isn't always a good thing, sometimes it gives us a new life

What’s In A Name

By Anna Hessel

 

A New Beginning…

As one of my milestone birthdays quickly approaches, my thoughts have wandered to my birth.  I was privately adopted as a newborn by an older couple that were never meant to be parents.  Through DNA testing and the state of Pennsylvania finally opening original birth certificate availability to adoptees a few years ago, I have been blessed with finding my biological family.  So far I am in contact with two lovely sisters, a beautiful niece, and a couple of cousins and their families, one of whom has become one of my dearest friends.  She has encouraged me to reach out to my other siblings and maintains our family tree with the accuracy of a brain surgeon – a truly amazing lady.

Oh Yeah, I Blend…

My adopted family was abusive and ashamed of my multi racial ethnicities.  I, on the other hand, am thrilled to be an Irish, Italian, Hispanic, Iraqi Jewish Christian.  I was cheated out of growing up with sibling camaraderie and arguments, but I do have dear friends that have become my family.  My spouse and I are truly blessed.

Choose Carefully

When I was adopted, my birth name was changed.  This angered me; a name at birth should remain through a lifetime.  Hopefully parents will take this into account before choosing overly unusual names.  Names are special, and should be treated with reverence.  When we adopted our most recent lovable Puggle, we kept her beautiful name Sasha.  In Hebrew it means defender of mankind.  I will admit we changed our younger cat’s name from Nala to Brioche when we brought her home, to go with our older kitty’s name Latte.  Now Nala is now her middle cat name.  They go together like peanut butter and jelly.

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