Category: Arts & Entertainment

HUMOR: The Perils Of Pumpkin Spice

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HUMOR: The Perils of Pumpkin Spice- 

It’s Not Everything Nice

By Anna Hessel

  

Falling Leaves

The air is turning cooler, the trees are a beautiful kaleidoscope of bright, harvest-toned colors, and with this a bevy of everything pumpkin spice.  I am more of a cute sweater, ankle boots, apple cider donuts, and taking pictures of fall foliage type of person.  I really don’t need pumpkin spice candles, air fresheners, Oreos, milkshakes, cakes, butters, jellies, iced tea, marshmallows, bread crumbs, cereal, oatmeal, pancakes, toaster pastries, deli meat, cheese, lotions, soap, shampoo, facial wash, hair mousse, muscle rub, shoe polish, toilet bowl cleaner, dog biscuits, cat food, kitty litter, glass cleaner, laundry detergent, fabric softener, cologne, after-shave, lip balm, nail polish, cuticle remover, mascara, floor wax, drain cleaner, toothpaste, or super glue.  I’ve even seen a pumpkin spice pandemic face mask – really?

Pumpkin Spice Overload

What ever happened to plain old pumpkin pie, smothered in a half-can of Fat Free Reddi Whip?  I honestly don’t find the necessity to drink pumpkin-flavored java – make mine a decaf, skim, mocha latte, please, to sip while enjoying a pumpkin pedicure and a pumpkin muffin.  Perhaps a slice of homemade pumpkin bread with buttercream frosting, however, I prefer to brush my teeth with something minty fresh, not tasting of sugar and spice, that is certainly not nice.  If I tried to serve Purina pumpkin spice to my cats, they would simply hiss and turn over their bowl.

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“FIRE” by Jack Babcock

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fire

the red sun

peers thru the smoke

the news is near doom

I haven’t had asparagus in years

or a banana split

the president waves a flag

I hope for one last good meal

Red Alert Level 3.

 

Thanks Jack for the great poem. Jack Babcock is an old friend of Calamity News and Politics.com. Jack is a prolific writer. Please look for him on Amazon. Jack lives in NE Portland, Oregon. His neighborhood has recently been on a standing Fire Evacuation Alert (Red Alert Level 3).

Pretty scary times here on the west coast. The sky is a sallow yellow and the smoke is blinding. Totally unprecedented devastation. Calamity will be featuring some of Jack’s poetry in an upcoming post. Watch for it.

Thought you might enjoy Jack’s quirky take on a very dangerous situation.

D. S. Mitchell/Calamity

HUMOR: Abolishing “Age Appropriate” Attire

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HUMOR: Abolishing “Age-Appropriate” Attire

By Anna Hessel

Looking Back

 I’ve been spending some time reflecting on 2020 – what a disaster!  I am, however, very proud of the fact that I kept almost all of my New Year’s resolutions so far for this year: to buy more shoes, drink more mocha lattes, and I certainly hope I was of service in some way to God and humanity.  I graciously invited Mr. Louboutin and Mr. Choo to join Mr. Blahnik in my closet.  I drank so many skim decaf black mocha lattes that both our local Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts have each dedicated a chair in my honor.  A pandemic summer without the pool is as good a time as any to reflect on old memories as we look forward to new ones.

Reality Check

One such memory came to mind when I was sorting through my brand-new shoe acquisitions.  This remembrance is from some years ago, when one of my all-time favorite cable television “reality” shows did a nationwide tour with a stop at a local area mall.  The program was TLC’s “What Not to Wear”; I still have a collection of old VHS tapes of numerous episodes from the show’s 10-year run.  From 2004 through 2013 (I began watching in the second season), I relied on style experts Clinton Kelly and Stacy London to educate, inform, and entertain, with realistic, thought-provoking, and sensible fashion advice.

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HUMOR: For Whom The Bell Tolls

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HUMOR: FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

“Calamity News and Politics believes in free speech no matter what your opinion. We however, do not think it is okay to threaten or insinuate harm to someone who disagrees with your opinion.  Stop bullies. Stand up for free speech.” (Editor: D. S. Mitchell) 

T.K. McNeil

For Whom the Bell Tolls

Death. One of the greatest fears in life. Though still not quite as much as public speaking. As Jerry Seinfeld pointed out, according to the statistics, more people would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy. Or, as another notorious brain box once said, “life is beautiful, death is peaceful, it is the transition that can be troublesome.”

When A Writer Gets A Death Threat

You might well be wondering why the change? When did Calamity’s resilient humorist switch over to gallows humor? First of all, it’s not recent (as my essay “Dark Candy” will attest). Second, I’ve had  reason to meditate on the dead recently. Introspection brought on by betting some very creative death threats.

Not What You Think

I am used to criticism. You have to be when you write for a living. You can’t appeal to everyone and that is fine. Even if they fall short of Dorothy Parker in terms of their retorts. Things go pear-shaped when criticisms and retorts are replaced by violence and threats. This is why death threats can be so effective. Just the threat of violence is often enough. The issuing of a Fwata can be as, if not more, effective than an assault with machine-guns. As happened to British Novelist Salman Rushdie and the Charlie Hebdo offices respectively. There are few faster ways to silence someone than threatening to do it permanently.

Trump Card

Political violence is nothing new. The majority of assassinations in the last century or so were of a distinctly political flavor. Even in the last few years things have been amping up. It has come to the point where there are fist-fights and machine-guns at political rallies. There are even fatalities. Such as the death of Heather Heyer in Charlottesville. Trump has made many changes to the national fabric. Making it dangerous to engage in political discourse is one of the worst.

Heathen!

Imagine my surprise when the messages wishing me fiery death and parking tickets came not from my copious political writings. What really ticked off the loonies was my writing on the more fringe aspects of culture. Particularly those dealing with religion as well as subject the religious think they have a right to weigh in on. I am not someone who can stand to see people getting kicked for no reason. An attitude which has seen me speak up on behalf of everyone from Wiccans to Metalheads to independent porn producers  and modern LaVeyan Satanists. The last of whose ideology is basically atheism with a floor show, which they will be the first to tell you. While I am sometimes rather critical of those who persecute such groups, my goal is always to foster greater empathy. Even for people you might think you have nothing in common with.

Can’t Type Straight

Yet this has somehow lead to me being labeled, let me check my notes here, a “satanic, sinful, goat-f**king, god-hating, misogynist, pro-free market, baby killing, apostate who will suffer the righteous wrath of the faithful before enduring the eternal fires of hell.” I would have sent a reply but I was laughing so hard I couldn’t type straight.

 

The History of Portland Protests

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Calamity Video Casts – The History of Portland Protests

The police in Portland have been dealing with our unique protesting style for years. Outsiders just don’t understand the need to stay home and not interfere. You can find Dave huddling in a bunker miles from the center of action!  Look for David Shadrick’s weekly video cast on Calamity News and Politics.

 

HUMOR: No Laughing Matter The Defamation of Clowns

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HUMOR: NO LAUGHING MATTER

The Defamation of Clowns

By I.B. Freely

Wokeness

“Representation.” A major buzzword in the modern media landscape. “Wokeness” has become the name of the game, with little resistance. Much like how Mussolini managed to take-over all of Italy without a shot being fired. Just marched in and took the seat of power. Looking very stylish while doing so.

Exceptions

Inclusion has become job one on film sets and at publishing houses.  Oppressed minorities fighting damaging stereotypes of the past. Ones which saw African-American actors not being  taken seriously until Sidney Poitier, except for the ones who were. Women didn’t have it much better, acting mostly as foils, motivation or “eye-candy.” Except for the ones who weren’t. Muslim thespians, meanwhile, are still dreamily  nostalgic for 1980s and early-1990s. When terrorist and villain roles were reserved for Brits, Germans, Russians, Irish Republicans and Jeremy Irons.

The Ignored

Despite the leaps and bounds made in terms of “representation”, there are still some crushed under the shiny, black jackboot of prejudice. Groups who even self-proclaimed liberals and SJWs (Social Justice Warriors) think absolutely nothing of mocking and vilifying. Only adding to the pain and violence visited upon the down-trodden and ignored.

Clowning

Once  a position of great respect, the vocation of clowning requires a post-secondary education to practice. The ancient vocation serving as the inspiration for one of opera’s most iconic roles. The truly tragic Pagliacci, defined in the 1980s by none other than Luciano Pavoratti. Ask your parents.

Not The Same

Sadly, the humble clown, who only ever wanted to make people happy, has plummeted in terms of social regard in recent centuries. Not only mocked, their name becoming a term of insult, it has become socially acceptable to portray members of the clowning community as the ultimate evil.

A Trend

While rarely recognized as such, the slanderous stereotype of “killer clowns” have been a horror staple since 1980s. Pennywise, the big bad in Stephen King’s novel It, is the granddad of the killer clown trope in horror. A trend continued in the 1988 “cult classic” Killer Klowns from Outer Space. A so-called “funny” horror film, which is really little more than vile, anti-clown propaganda from fade in to credits roll. Such foundations being the framework upon which everything from Halloween costumes to the crime against music known as The Insane Clown Posse are hung.

Culturally

The original “scary clown” archetype in popular culture, presenting the practitioners of the royal art as painted faced psychopaths, is The Joker. First appearing in Detective Comics (DC) in 1940, The Joker has developed into the most feared and hated character in modern culture. Presented evil as the night is long and twice as scary. Try that with any other recognized minority and just see how fast you get curb stomped in the metaphorical.

To The Rescue

There is hope however. A group of reasonable adults with no obsessive or reductive tendencies at all, no sirree bob, have formed the Organization for Representation of Clowns or O.R.C. Let us hope these brave freedom fighters can help address a grave crime against humanity that has gone on for far too long.

HUMOR: Doc Trump’s Traveling Medicine Show

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HUMOR: Doc Trump’s Traveling Medicine Show

HUMOR: DOC TRUMP’S TRAVELING MEDICINE SHOW

By I.B. Freely

Panacea

COVID-19 got you down? Worried about the long-term effects of the most toxic and contagious viral infection since Spanish Flu? Fear not citizen! Doc Trump’s Traveling Medicine Show has the cure for the most common ill of our age. And he should know, they don’t come much more common than frat-boy-in-chief.

A Spoonful of Toxin

Far beyond mere ‘science,’ this galaxy-brained very stable genius can know if a  treatment will work just by ‘feeling it.’ The pandemic will soon be a thing of the past. Even if Doc Trump has to poison half the population to reach this seemingly lofty goal, which is really no more than his god-like job’s worth. Besides which, as any Dread Pirate worth their cocaine powder knows, a little bit of poison helps build up immunity.

No, Really, Go Drink Bleach

Crowning the tippy, tippy top off Doc Trump’s list of brilliant, perfect, foolproof cures is humble bleach. It obviously kills bacteria, so it must utterly obliterate viruses, right? Viruses and bacteria are exactly the same thing, after all. Don’t let the biased infectious disease “experts” fool you. The skull and crossbones warnings jugs are really more of a guideline, than a hard and fast “truth.” It has even been promoted by a baptist preacher, a group known to have never lied or even exaggerated about anything at any point in the 6,000 year history of the earth, who was kind enough to give a demonstration on how to inject bleach up one’s nose.

Some Light On the Matter

Imbibing cleaning products not your thing? The quacks are all agreed that the use of ultraviolet light is an effective treatment for COVID-19. The only real stumbling block is that said light would have to to be used on the molecular level. The president said it on TV so it must be true. Never mind that he has been caught in upwards of 20,000 lies in the last four years. Criticizing a president for dishonesty is like chastising an assassin for a lack of empathy.

Science, I Guess

For the superstitious types who will insist on having some ‘scientific evidence’ behind their miracles, Doc Trump has you covered as well. Whole heartedly supporting a wonder drug known as Hydroxycloroquine. A real actual, malarial drug, the name of which only sounds like a fatally toxic aquarium cleaner. So read the labels carefully, as the drug in its proper form poses absolutely not health repercussions or draw-backs whatsoever. Aside from the occasional fatal massive heart-attack. Then again, the higher the death rate from heart-attack and accidental poisoning the lower the COVID infection rate will be. A result  sure to landslide the smartest man in the world right back into the Oval Office. Not that has anything to do with the price of coke in Columbia.

All Natural$

Natural remedies are also very important when it comes to battling COVID-19. Doc Trump’s Traveling Medicine Show is in full support of making the magical plant Oleandrin widely available as a health supplement. As well as pushing the FDA to officially name it a cure for COVID-19. The fact that the plant in question is so toxic that a single leaf can send a rottweiler to join the Choir Invisible is just a technicality. As no doubt stated by MyPillow.com founder Mike Lindell during the White House meeting he was granted. The fact that Lindell was fined $1,000,000 for false health health claims regarding his pillow notwithstanding. Perhaps they could suggest cyanide or night shade next.

 

Documentary: White Night Riots

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Gay In America

Documentary: White Night Riots

*Editor’s Note: When Trevor McNeil’s article “Gay In America” was published last week this documentary was supposed to accompany it. Well, it didn’t. So, here we are. Let’s try it again.

Daniel White murdered San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and Harvey Milk, the first openly gay elected official in the country. Each victim was shot 5 times. When White was found guilty of manslaughter the crowd awaiting the verdict began to riot.

 

Lionel Richie “Three Times A Lady”

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“You’re once, twice, three times a lady…

Lionel Richie: “Three Times A Lady”

Anna Hessel was jumping up and down when we let her know she had just been tapped to choose the Calamity Politics jukebox song of the day. So in honor of her upcoming article on Kamala Harris Anna chose “Three Times A Lady” by Lionel Richie. Enjoy!