Deck the Halls, Not the Husband


Deck the Halls, Not the Husband

While I love classy, my husband is attached to tacky.

 

Deck the Halls, Not the Husband

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

New Family Traditions

I like classic, classy things; my husband, on the other hand adores the tacky. Currently, he  is in a decorating frenzy, and that scares me. As we prepare to celebrate, who can forget decorations? I sometimes wish my other half would. Don’t get me wrong, I love a tasteful wreath on the door and a holly berry candle on the mantle, and this year, thanks to my recent DNA test, we will be including a menorah along with the family creche, however, my other half is not quite a Clinton Kelly when it comes to holiday embellishment.

Another Holiday Move

I look up from a Hallmark Christmas movie, and to my horror I see my spouse, attired in a Chicago Cubs Santa hat and a flashing Christmas tree tie, hanging jingle bells on the bathroom doorknob. Apparently, there are no safe places from his holiday mania. I cautiously enter the powder room, which has been transformed into a winter wonderland, as in I wonder what the heck happened to my bathroom.

Hang Up the Mistletoe…

Gone are the lovely blue lace-edged fingertip towels and the matching ceramic soap pump. Replacing these tasteful items are Hallmark’s Jolly in the John – really? My husband loves this little guy as much as he loves his Mini – and joining good ol’ Jolly is his pet reindeer, another Hallmark creation, with a roll of toilet paper decorating one of his antlers. Rounding out the tacky trio is Mr. John’s “other half”, a plastic snowwoman soap pump.

And the Toilet Seat

A purple garland adorns the shower curtain rod, and the shell toilet seat is now covered with a giant Santa face, gloved hands covering his eyes (do you blame him?). My attractive celery green with chocolate brown polka-dots bathrobe has been replaced with a latch hook creation of eight tiny reindeer, a rather unfortunate garage sale find. I turn to flee this holiday horror to find my other half nailing mistletoe above the necessary room door.

Merry Migraine!

I resume watching the previously interrupted holiday-inspired film, I take a fortifying sip of my mocha latte as my husband makes his way to the kitchen with a devilish glint in his eye, our jingle bell collared puggle Sasha in tow. My better (?) half is carrying a pair of Rudolph pot holders and a Grinch tea towel. What desecration could he be up to? Visions of plastic glitter sugar plums strung on the stove dance in my head, threatening a migraine. Did I just see our cat Prada wearing kitty-sized elf ears? Over the years my husband has acquired a plethora of kitschy Christmas items, right down to, cover your eyes, glow in the dark snowman boxer shorts, which he actually wears to bed. Does murdering a spouse still rate a life sentence?

Jolly in the John

As I said, one of his favorite pieces of seasonal décor is Hallmark’s “Jolly in the John”; normally I’m a Hallmark kind of girl: love the movies, cards, and ornaments, but I have yet to make friends with good ol’ “Jolly”. A plastic snowman holding a plunger who sings the potty song “Who’s Gotta’ Go”, and informs bathroom visitors they “look a little flush”; in my opinion, he’s gotta’ go. My spouse proudly places him atop the toilet tank, accompanied by his “snowwife”, a plastic lotion dispenser in the shape of a snowwoman, and their beloved pet, another Hallmark creation, a reindeer adorned with a roll of toilet paper on one antler. This “charming” trio has replaced my tasteful glass vase, containing vintage gold and silver Christmas balls.

A Special (Dis)appearance

Ironically, strange things have befallen Jolly – he keeps coming up missing, and stranger still, it only occurs when my hubby isn’t home. I have no idea how Jolly ended up in the bushes-apparently he must have fallen out of the window. I didn’t realize our dog could throw up the sash; lucky for us, our neighbor found him and brought him to our door. My other half then found him in the trash can-I have no idea how he got there, either. He was lovingly washed down and put back and in his place of honor, behind the throne.

Pack It In

Most recently, Jolly turned up at the local thrift store, buried in a box of old clothes I had donated. Lucky for us, that same helpful neighbor volunteers at the resale shop. My husband happened to be in there seeking out more tacky, I mean whimsical, holiday decorations, so the snowman has returned home. I guess I just have to accept that good ol’ Jolly is my husband’s way of decorating. We have certainly decked the halls with a unique bevy of holiday décor, but always in the theme of “peace on earth and goodwill toward men”; yes, Virginia, I married a man with style…

 

Christmas Short Story


SNATCHING SANTA

The age old battle of good vs evil played out at Christmas

SNATCHING SANTA

Editor’s Note: I wrote this short story a couple years ago and have reprinted it on my website every year since. If you haven’t read it, I hope you enjoy it. If you have read it; read it a again. Happy Holidays.

By D. S. Mitchell

It was a small noise that woke Santa. Something out of place in the middle of the night. He lay in the dark, wondering if he’d imagined, or possibly dreamt the sound. Mary Claus slept by his side, her steady breathing the only sound in their darkened bedroom.

“There it was again,” he said under his breath.

This time it seemed to be at the back of the house. It was the sound of feet on gravel, a noise that wouldn’t be noticed during daylight hours, but seemed magnified by the darkness. It was close to 3:00 am. He worried that a sneak thief might be trying to break into his toy shop.

The suddenness of the event shocked him. The front and back door were simultaneously kicked in, and several men rushed through the battered doors into the house. The sound of polished boots on hardwood floors echoed down the halls. Mrs. Claus gasped as they both sat upright. Santa started to get out of bed, but the light came on before his foot hit the floor.

Two men armed with automatic weapons stood in the doorway, blocking any possible escape. The taller of the two men took in the room in a glance before lowering his eyes to the bed. He narrowed his eyes and pointed his weapon directly at Santa.

“What do you want?” Santa demanded.

“Shut up,” was his answer.

The weapon remained on its target and the tall man warmed the trigger with an agitated finger before saying, “Get dressed old man, you’re coming with us.”

Santa could see the shadows of several men moving about the house, the intruders opening closets, drawers, and doors. Mrs. Claus screamed. Santa hushed her with a hug and whispered reassurances.

“I said get your ass out of bed, Chubby.”

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Just A Few Things To Love About America

Just A Few Things To Love About America

25 things to love about America

Just A Few Things To Love About America

By D. S. Mitchell

I have been on a hair pulling rant for the last 48 hours.  I recognize that. I am taking off my Calamity Politics Editor’s cap, and putting on a ball cap, and getting the hell out of this office. The blogger’s life is a good life, most of the time. Sometimes, however, U.S. politics and political rhetoric can just sap the energy from a person, no matter how earnest their intent.

So, let’s take time, lighten up, smoke one and check out, ‘Just a Few Things To Love about America.’ These strange bits of illumination were partly supplied by Bowers’ and Gottlieb’s amazing book ‘1,000 Things To Love About America.’  Although I have used some of their text,  I have changed the numbering.

 

1.) Monopoly: Life’s lessons on a board.  Stay out of jail, do community service, pay your bills, amass real estate wealth, and collect your rents.  Monopoly has sold more than 200 million games in 37 languages.  It is without a doubt, the most popular board game in the world. It was created in 1934 at the depths of the depression by Charles B. Darrow of Germantown, PA.  He originally marketed his homemade copies of the game at a Philadelphia, PA toy store. In 1935 Parker Brothers bought the game.  We all have our favorite properties, and our favorite pieces.  Monopoly is part of my childhood memories and consumed many rainy afternoons.  The properties are named for locations in Atlantic City.  The fundamental lesson to take from Monopoly, is that the guy with the most money wins.

2) The Indy 500: This mega event held every Memorial Day is probably the most famous and certainly the largest racing extravaganza in the world, entertaining an estimated 400,000 fans each year at the track, and millions more on television. The event, held in Indianapolis, Indiana started in 1911.  Fans watch 33 cars roar around the Indianapolis Speedway for 500 miles to the cheers of enthralled onlookers.

3.) Duct Tape: Ties that bind.  First developed during WWII for heating and air conditioning ducts. It is reported to have quickly gained a following and was used to seal ammunition cases, repair jeeps, weapons and planes.  This super strong, cheap vinyl, fabric-reinforced, pressure-sensitive tape is a staple at my house and most other American households.  I’ve read people join duct tape clubs and make wallets and clothing.  Hmmm.  I’m good, until people start to wear it.

4.) Window Screens: First line of defense against insects. This ultra easy non-polluting system, made of mesh wire stretched over a metal or wooden frame, keeps bugs outside.  What’s amazing is that the rest of the world has yet to embrace this low-tech breakthrough.

5.) Bigfoot: Also known as Sasquatch, the creature roams the rugged back country of the Pacific Northwest.  Reportedly the creatures are big, hairy, humanoid, avoid human contact and smell extremely bad.

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Thinking About Getting A Dog?

Thinking About Getting A Dog?

A lot of people get pets for Christmas. That may or may not be a good idea.

Thinking About Getting a Dog?

D. S. Mitchell

Dogs save lives in more ways than one. But sometimes we, or the family, are not in the right place, time-wise, geographically, or emotionally to bring a new friend laden with responsibilities into our lives. With the holidays fast approaching, many of us think, “wouldn’t a puppy make a perfect Christmas gift for Johnny, or Jenny Jr?”

Maybe, maybe not.

The time commitment required for a new puppy is often ignored. Before you start looking for that new pup, make sure that you have the time and the energy required to daily commit to your new best buddy. Puppies will need to go out every hour until they are house trained. You or your children will need to be ready to commit no less than two hours daily for play, exercise, socialization and stimulation. Additionally, puppies because they are rapidly growing, need to be fed and watered three times a day.

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Another, I Saw it on the Internet

Another, I Saw it on the Internet

Image

I Saw it on the Internet

By D.S. Mitchell

 

Picture Perfect

A philosopher once said, ” A picture is worth a thousand words.” Well, the X prez is a liar, a thief, and a fraud; and here’s pictures to prove it. The man who tried to topple the U.S. government in 2020 is still at it. My question is why do so many MAGA followers believe anything this criminal narcissist says? I can almost understand why politicians like Cruz, Graham, and Hawley, who benefit both financially and politically, continue to cling to Trump’s coattails. What I don’t understand, however, is how so many common sense Americans have been hornswoggled  into believing this fat toad, with his elevator lifts, his mango makeup,  and his self-aggrandizing rhetoric, is working for them. Everything Trump stands for is in sharp contrast to what the average American needs; simple things like, work safety, clean water, safe food and drugs, ethical government, affordable health care, a strong social safety net, equal rights for all. So what is it? What is the hook that keeps the minions swimming with him?

Slurping Kool-Aid

“It’s a cult,”  the commentators are all saying. Whatever it is the folks, those of us who have not been slurping the Kool-Aid need to beat this authoritarian movement into submission. Despite the obvious inequities of the Electoral College process, partisan gerrymandering, and **third party candidates supported by right wing interests, the many can prevail in this battle, but it won’t be easy. I do not want to see young women forced to bear dead or unwanted babies, I do not want the U.S. military shooting U.S. citizens on U.S. streets, I do not want Christian leaders behaving like the ayatollah’s of Iran, I do not want Social Security or Medicare to end, and I most definitely do not want a phony TV huckster playing king at the head of the U.S. government.

Big Country

Talk to people; remind them of the real issues, not the political BS; such as: bodily autonomy, common sense gun control, ethics in government, the social safety net, religious freedom, LGBTQ+ rights, separation of church and state, national health care, housing the unhoused. I could go on. The list is long but we are a big country and our population has significant needs. Truthfully, in a country of 365,000,000 people and the world’s largest GDP the suggestion of “small government” is an outdated and ridiculous idea. When you hear that phrase think, “service for me and not for thee.” What really the Republicans are saying with the ridiculous notion of ‘small government,’ in this day and age, is we’ll pay for my needs and not yours. Everyone has a need, not just the few; and the federal government has a moral obligation to do the most, for the most. with our tax dollars, including collecting those tax dollars from the wealthy not just the poor.

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The Rotary Four-Way Test

The Rotary's Four Way Test is a good way to lead your life.

 

Editor’s Note: The genesis for this article came from my neighborhood advertising circular, the Sneak Preview. The December 2023 issue had a wonderful article by a local businessman, Steve Roe. Mr. Roe is the 2023 recipient of the Louis Schultz Distinguished Service Award, given each year to (Grants Pass, Oregon) community members who give their time, knowledge and resources to help improve our local community. In his beautifully written article Steve mentions the Rotary’s Four Way Test and how he personally and the Rotary, use the Four Way Test to evaluate what we think, say, and do. 

 

The Four-Way Test

Has Us Question What We Think, Say, and Do.

By D.S. Mitchell

 

A Long Time Back

In 1905, in Chicago Illinois, Paul Harris and three business friends got together and created the Rotary; the worlds first service organization. It wasn’t until 1943 that the club adopted Herb Taylor’s, another Chicago businessman’s, Four-Way ethics test. The Four-Way test is now a center of Rotary thought and action. The Four-Way test guides the Rotary’s unique approach and process to address conflicts, solve problems and make decisions to achieve desired objectives. The four questions are to be asked of the things you think, say, and do. Considering the abusive nature of today’s public and private discourse, I think putting the Four-Way test in operation, before we open our mouths, or take any action, might be a good place for all of us start; especially since it is supposed to be a joyous time of year.

A Clear and Positive Vision

Superbly simple, the Four-Way test offers a clear and positive vision for turning people away from vulgarity and back to civility; only joking, because what we have going on now may be unfixable. Sorry, for the negative insertion, but I am at this moment frustrated with the outrageous antics of the Republicans in the House of Representatives. However, not to digress; the Four-Way test is to be used in what we think, say, and do. Clearly the challenging part of the Four-Way test is that all four questions must be satisfactorily answered to reach an answer to the question. The four ethics questions the Four-Way test asks are;
1. Is it the TRUTH?
2. Is it FAIR to all concerned?
3. Will it build GOODWILL and BETTER FRIENDSHIPS?
4. Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned?
The Rotary over the last 120 years has grown into a global network of 1.4 million neighbors, friends, and leaders who volunteer their skills and resources to solve issues and address community needs around the world with empathy and concern; they may be onto something here.
Constructive Not Destructive

The test is not a rigid process.  Below are ideas for using The Four-Way test and conflict transformation concepts for constructive change without quite importantly, violence.

  • Is it the TRUTH? Act with integrity and high ethical standards.  Acknowledge and define the problem including the root causes. Gather information by asking questions and with the use of critical thinking identify the difference between facts, beliefs, assumptions, and opinions. Such actions build trust.
  • Is it FAIR to all concerned? Keep in mind both the Golden Rule and the Platinum Rule. Okay. I  had to look this one up. The Golden Rule is; “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Well, the Platinum Rule is, “do unto others as they would have you do unto them.” Hmm. Okay. I get it. Identify and include all interested and affected parties in discussions. Attempt to understand the other points-of-view in the context of conflict and reaching shared goals. Such actions foster accountability.
  • Will it build GOODWILL and BETTER FRIENDSHIPS? Promote civility by projecting an air of respect and openness. Be open to looking at new things and old things in new ways that can lead to creative and innovative solutions.  Discuss and agree on desired outcomes until consensus is found. Respect for what everyone can contribute  promotes fellowship.
  • Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned? Keep an open mind and a curiosity for new ideas, novel applications and different points-of view. Consider many options and build on different ideas. Come to mutually beneficial solutions that are sustainable and repeatable.

The Four-Way test is an adaptive process. It takes into account everyone’s point-of-view and concerns, as well as their needs and wants. The process is designed to build goodwill and earn trust so a particular end result is mutually beneficial, sustainable and fair with repeatable outcomes.

On the Home Front

Just in time for Christmas get togethers. I’m laughing, but, I’m deadly serious at the same time. I encourage anyone reading this article  consider using The Four-Way test to address conflicts in the public square and at private dinners with cranky relatives. Remember the questions start with What We Think, followed by what What We Say and lastly, What We Do.  

OPINION: Holy Moly, Trump’s Running

OPINION:

Holy Moly, Rock ‘n Roll, Trump’s Running, Again 

Donald Trump draws big crowds as he chases a second term as president of the U.S.

OPINION:

Holy Moly, Rock n Roll, Trump’s Running, Again

By D. S. Mitchell

Autocrat and Criminal

Trump is an autocrat and a criminal. However, you’d never know it by the screaming, flag waving, MAGA crowd supporting Trump’s bid for a second term. The Democrats and anyone with a brain is pulling their hair out. How many felony indictments and presumed convictions will it take to convince the 28% of Americans who have been seduced by the “Orange Jesus” that he is a danger to our way of life, our freedoms, our constitutional protections.

Earth One Calling

I’ve been trying to imagine what event or series of events that it would take to shock Trump’s devoted followers back to Earth One. Communication to Earth Two seems to be cut off, temporarily. I couldn’t think of anything. If all the revelations, over the years, his grifting and conning, and his outright criminality, won’t shake their devotion my only conclusion is that some people are for whatever reason unreasonable.

Dining Table Disaster

But seriously, friend, just imagine two years after Trump is re-elected and the Orange One succumbs to a stroke or heart failure. Come on now, it could happen. The guy eats crap and takes a golf cart from the buffet table to his seat at the head of the table.  Just imagine, Donnie Jr. as first in line to the presidency. That proposition should scare the shit out of us all. But under a Trump presidency such a plan of succession could become a reality; that’s the way autocrats do things.

Let’s See the Blue

So, folks take your head out from under the bed covers and if you are not registered to vote, get registered. If there are no Democrats running for office in your district, throw your name in the fight. In half the districts in this country these MAGA folks have no opponents. Stop the freefall into totalitarianism. Stop Trump. Vote Biden-Harris. For the good of the country, vote blue.

 

Honoring Giving Tuesday

50 Ways to Give on Giving Tuesday

Giving Tuesdays

Giving Tuesday

By Anna Hessel with Wes Hessel

 

It’s Giving Tuesday – time to donate funds to organizations that we support, but also find ways of giving of ourselves and our time. Here are some unique ideas for ways to give back to the community:

  1. Take a plate of food, cookies, or a card to an elderly or disabled neighbor
  2. Drop some magazines or books at a local hospital for their waiting areas
  3. Offer to babysit so someone can holiday shop or run errands
  4. Watch the person a caregiver takes care of so they can get out for errands or have a little me time
  5. Drop a few dollars or spare change in a red kettle
  6. Call a friend or relative just to say hello
  7. Rake someone’s leaves
  8. Mow someone’s lawn
  9. Shovel someone’s drive or walkway
  10. Make some calls for your favorite political candidate(s)
  11. Start a postcard campaign for your favorite political organization
  12. Begin a petition to right a wrong
  13. Run for a local political office
  14. Mail cards to our service men and women
  15. Volunteer at a local animal shelter or your library
  16. Don’t forget Toys for Tots with a new unwrapped toy – every child deserves a toy for Christmas or Hanukkah
  17. Offer a ride to a neighbor that does not have access to a car or can’t drive
  18. Decorate an outdoor tree for Christmas
  19. Add some sparkle to someone’s day with a small gift just because
  20. Organize a sled race or set up a hot chocolate stand for charity
  21. Run an errand for someone
  22. Pay it forward in the drive-through (or inside line)
  23. Pull a child in a sled or throw a ball for them to catch
  24. Build a snowman with someone
  25. Use your expertise, be it professional or hobby, to benefit someone: a free haircut, manicure, house cleaning, legal advice
  26. Pass out free hug coupons, cookies, or homemade fudge in your office or neighborhood
  27. Freecycle or Trash Nothing something
  28. Foster or adopt a rescue animal
  29. Play fetch with a neighbor’s dog or catch with a neighbor kid
  30. Set up a feral cat box on your porch with hay, fresh water, and a small bowl of food
  31. Make homemade cards or tree ornaments to pass out
  32. Take an angel off the giving tree and buy a gift to brighten someone’s holiday
  33. Give someone a smile – it’s always free, and it might just make their day
  34. Make a nice lunch or dinner to surprise somebody
  35. Donate to a good pantry or little library
  36. Make time for loved ones, like coffee or a spa day together
  37. Take time for yourself because you can’t help anyone if you aren’t well yourself
  38. Post something cute on social media to brighten someone’s day
  39. Order a meal delivery for a friend as a surprise (just make sure someone is there to accept the delivery)
  40. Tip generously
  41. Help a neighbor decorate for the holidays
  42. Offer to do someone’s shopping, laundry, house cleaning, or cooking
  43. Drop flowers off at a retirement community or hospital
  44. Donate pet food to an animal shelter – they can use older towels and blankets, too
  45. Send thank you notes to first responders or government employees
  46. Volunteer as a court advocate
  47. Share someone’s good work on social media
  48. Take a minute to talk to a business’ manger or owner to complement an employee
  49. Make time to really listen to someone who needs a shoulder to cry on
  50. Be sure to thank those selfless community volunteers whenever you can