Worst Stocking Stuffers for 2025

Worst Stocking Stuffers for 2025

Worst Stocking Stuffers for 2025

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. Matchbox Tesla
  2. A chunk of the demolished White House East Wing, signed by “The Donald” himself
  3. Trumpy Bear
  4. An autographed photo of JD Vance
  5. Donald Trump CD, featuring his rendition of “If I Only had a Brain”
  6. Donald Trump CD, featuring his version of “What a Fool Believes”
  7. JD Vance CD, featuring “The Sidestep” from “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas”
  8. MAGA cap made in China
  9. Nude photo of Melania
  10. The Epstein Files on DVD
  11. At-home colon test kit (even though this administration is full of it)
  12. Donald Trump toilet paper…no, wait, I want to find this in my stocking…
  13. The government shutdown mini-Monopoly game
  14. Anything autographed by Elon Musk, especially a Cybertruck
  15. Signed copy of the “Big Bad Bill”
  16. Signed copy of Project 2025
  17. Two pack of signed Trump golf balls (those are the only pair of balls he has ever had)
  18. Repotted bush from the White House Rose Garden
  19. Grab bag from any of the Mar-A-Lago bathroom boxes
  20. A pair of the tacky, cheap, homemade by Karen’s beaded earrings depicting “The Donald” left over from Trump’s campaign
  21. Melania bubble bath – she needs all the washing she can get
  22. Jokers wild card game
  23. A get out of jail free Monopoly card signed by the orange monster
  24. Donald Trump clown red shade Hair Club for Men wash in color
  25. ”The Donald” Unhappy Meal, with your choice of a non-action figure Republican

An OMG Christmas Newsletter

An OMG Christmas Newsletter

 

 

An OMG Christmas Newsletter

By D.S. Mitchell

 

Too Many Days

I know all years, except for Leap Year, have 365 days.  So, why does 2025 feel like it’s got 750 days? Never mind; I figured it out on my own. Donald J. Trump’s in office and it feels like every ‘friggen day has somehow been virtually stretched and twisted until it feels like two.

How Much Bullshit is Too Much?

My memories of Trump’s first term are foggy at  best, but I think Trump wanted to takeover Greenland during his first administration and he continued the rhetoric into his second term. While deflecting the fallout from suggesting that we should make Canada the 51st state, I think  that’s when Trump started  demanding Google and all the map makers change the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. Just meaningless distractions? I’m not so sure. The ramblings of a demented old man? I’m sure it’s some of that, but certainly not all of it.

Heritage Foundation

None of it makes sense; unless you believe in Project 2025. The deeper we move into Trump’s Alice in Wonderland world the more chaotic…the more numbing. Trump has signed more than 220 Executive Orders since retaking the White House, surpassing all previous records and raising major concerns about the abuse of presidential power. The Robert’s Supreme Court seems more than willing to grant Trump’s every wish. Is there no conscience? No justice? No honor? No fairness? Apparently, not. There seems to be no limit on the Heritage Foundation’s love affair with the Robert’s court and its willingness to drag us back to 1950, or 1850. A time when women bore children, lots of them, a time when a woman had no rights except those allowed by her father or her husband. A time when white children were sold into indentured servitude, when blacks were slaves. A time when none of us want to go back to unless you are white, male, and wealthy.

Continue reading

Women of a Certain Age-“Old School” Edition

Women of a Certain Age – “Old School” Edition

Women of a Certain Age – “Old School” Edition

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. If your call math “arithmetic”, you might be a woman of a certain age.
  2. If you call mathematics new math…
  3. If you ever carried books in a strap…
  4. If your back to school wardrobe included Peter Pan collars and plaid…
  5. If sleepovers during the school year meant popcorn and a Frankie Avalon movie on network TV…
  6. If you had a Friday night party with a record player and bottles of Coke…
  7. If your birthday during the school year meant homemade cupcakes for the class…
  8. If you ever took a peanut butter fluff sandwich in your Scooby Doo lunch box…
  9. If you owned a Howdy Doody lunch pail…
  10. If you watched a happy tooth film strip…
  11. If you know what a film strip is…
  12. If you had a gym uniform that was a short jumpsuit in a shade of blue…
  13. If you wore white Keds with pom-pom socks (mine were pink)…
  14. If your cheerleading uniform didn’t expose your belly button…
  15. If Friday night football games were followed up at the malt shop…
  16. If you went on high school dates at the drive-in…
  17. If you know what activity was done in a rumble seat…
  18. If you participated in said activity in a rumble seat…
  19. If you participated in the same activity at the drive in…
  20. If you know what a rumble seat is…
  21. If you had a back-to-school Lilt perm, courtesy of your older sister or cousin…
  22. If you drove to school in a 1967 Mustang…
  23. If you know what a bobby soxer is…
  24. If you ever owned bobby socks…
  25. If you read Tiger Beat in the girls room at school…
  26. If students today read about your era in history books…
  27. If you carried mad money on dates during your high school or college years…
  28. If your sorority sisters wore pink foam rollers and half slips…
  29. If you ever wore pink foam rollers or half slips…
  30. If you know what a half slip is…

Merry Christmas and a Blessed 2026!

12 Days of Christmas Gone Rogue

12 Days of Christmas-Gone Rogue

 

12 Days of Christmas-Gone Rogue

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

1. On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree…

What a cute little birdie and I do love fruit… Apparently, my dear true love forgot I have a cat. That little bird sure can fly fast when being chased by a feline. I had a devil of a time getting him down from where he landed on the chandelier. Then the little dickens ate the biggest pear off the tree, the one I was saving to make a tart. I put the tree and its occupant on my patio. Perhaps a basket of fruit from Harry and David with a partridge figurine from Wayfair would have been a more appropriate present…

  1. On the second day of Christmas my love gave to me, two turtle doves…

It appears my love is quite the birds enthusiast, but these “peaceful” little creatures have a mean streak. They attacked the poor partridge when I placed them on the patio. The feathers are flying here today.  The veterinary bill is being sent to my darling gift giver. How can one re-gift feathered creatures?

  1. More foul – hens! Three of them, and not for Christmas dinner, either. Three French Hens, complete with a tariff bill I had to pay before they were shipped, arrived today. I don’t have a hen house, and my patio is getting crowded…
  2. The man with whom I share some affection sure is a bird lover. Today I received four squawking, er, I mean calling birds. These birds certainly need their own cell phones. My patio is beginning to look a lot like an aviary. Has this man not heard of Zales? My dear seems to forget I work from home…
  3. Finally, my true love sent jewelry – five lovely stackable gold rings. Maybe a diamond bracelet or earrings is in my future, in place of our winged friends…
  4. More feathered friends. Six geese-a-laying eggs all over my carpet. Perhaps my love is hinting he would like to come over for an omelet. I know eggs prices have soared, but this is a bit overkill…
  5. Enough with the birds already – my boyfriend sent seven more avians. Apparently my condo association has a rule about seven swans-a-swimming in the community jacuzzi. Who knew such a codicil existed? Perhaps my next gift will be a consultation with an attorney, and I will be seeking the services of a realtor in the new year. This has been a challenging week, thanks to my guy. I sincerely hope he doesn’t acquire a fondness for rodents…
  6. Well, at least no more birds. The gentlemen with whom a bit of affection is shared sent me eight maids carrying empty milk jugs, since I don’t have a cow. Perhaps tomorrow’s gift will involve bovine. I do love me some fat free milk but really, a grocery gift card would be much more appropriate here. These alleged maids did a terrible job with the kitchen and bathroom; they did nothing for my egg stained rug, either…
  7. Now there is a ballet going on in my living room. Nine ladies are dancing their hearts out here – I had to move the furniture out of the way. I am sending them and the maids to a motel for the night. My friend with benefits is getting an invoice for the Uber and accompanying accommodations…
  8. My friend without benefits has now sent ten lords-a-leaping. These men in tights already knocked over a table, broke a floor lamp, and scared my dog, who was already quite traumatized from all the birds and women that keep arriving. Another trip to the veterinary clinic…
  9. More noise in the form of eleven pipers piping in my dining room; my acquaintance really needs to choose gifts more wisely. Has this dude never heard of Sephora or Macy’s? I am amazed at what one can purchase on eBay or Amazon…
  10. Even more noise for my frenzy – a dozen drummers to give me a raging migraine. I flew the coup and filed a restraining order against lunatic “true love”.

 

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone – hope my gift of laughter made you smile this holiday season…

 

Life in 1900 America

Life in 1900 America

Life in 1900 America

By D. S. Mitchell

Yesterday, I stumbled across some statistics from 1900. Mind you, just over a 100 years ago things were very different from today. It was a simpler time; no emails to answer, no breaking news, no radio or TV to watch. I thought the information was both amusing, and eye-opening. Check it out. My furthest memories are from the 1950’s and I thought that was a very different time…and it was, but 1900, I was shocked and surprised as to how things have changed in the last 125 years. I don’t know if I could have waited a month to wash my hair, yikes!

Statistics from 1900:

1) Average life expectancy in the USA was 46 years. Compare that to the 79.6 life expectancy for 2025. 2) 14% per cent of American homes had a bathtub and a mere 8% had a telephone. 3) Mississippi, Iowa, Tennessee, and Alabama all had larger populations than California. 4) There were 8,000 cars and only a 144 miles of paved roads. Sounds like a bumpy ride for the few who could afford an automobile. 5) The average hourly wage in USA was 22 cents and the average worker made between $200-$400 a year. 6) The population of Las Vegas was either 25, or 30, depending on your resource. 7) 90% of doctors in the USA never attended college and about the same for lawyers. 8) The Eiffel Tower was the tallest structure in the world   9) Sugar cost 4 cents a pound, coffee was 15 cents a pound, and eggs were 14 cents a dozen. 10) There was a total of 230 reported murders in the USA. 11) Oklahoma, New Mexico, Arizona, Hawaii, and Alaska were not yet states.  12) Only 6% of American adults were high school graduates. 10% of adults were illiterate. 13) Most women washed their hair once a month and used egg yolks or borax for shampoo. 14) 95% of all births took place at home.  15) Leading causes of death in the USA were pneumonia, influenza, tuberculosis, heart disease, diarrhea, and stroke. 16) 18% of American homes had a full-time servant. 17) Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet.

*Hope you got a laugh or two. Calamity Politics is a progressive on-line news magazine.  This list of what was going on in 1900 came from “Uncle John’s Fast-Acting, Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader by the Bathroom Reader’s Institute, 18th Edition.”

Join the Resistance

Women of a Certain Age-Thanksgiving Edition

Women of a Certain Age Thanksgiving Edition

Women of a Certain Age-Thanksgiving Edition

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

  1. If you still the baste the turkey with butter, you might just be a woman of a certain age…
  2. If you make dressing stuffed inside the bird without fear of salmonella, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  3. If you call it pumpkin pie seasoning, not pumpkin spice, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  4. If you don’t understand why there is a pumpkin spice latte, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  5. If you wear a ruffled apron to take the turkey out of the oven, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  6. If you make your own green bean casserole, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  7. If you don’t understand why an already deceased cooked turkey needs to rest, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  8. If you have no idea what the hell a tofurky is, nor do you want to, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  9. If you start stocking up on canned pumpkin beginning November 1st, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  10. If you make mashed potatoes from scratch, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  11. If you know a way to slice cranberry sauce to camouflage the can indentations, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  12. If you recall the first Butterball turkey talk line, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  13. If you remember the first Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, well, your certainly of a very certain age – happy 100th birthday to that iconic celebration…
  14. If your Thanksgiving table has polished silver, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  15. If your Thanksgiving table has starched and ironed linens, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  16. If your Thanksgiving table has fine bone china and crystal stemware, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  17. If your Thanksgiving table includes refrigerated crescent rolls from a poppable can, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  18. If you join the men watching football only after the dishes are washed, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  19. If you make stuffing by cutting up four loaves of bread a couple days before the holiday and then let them get stale, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  20. If you have no idea what umami is and don’t want it on your Thanksgiving table, you might be a woman of a certain age…

Things That Make Me Cry


Things That Make Me Cry

Things That Make Me Cry

D. S. Mitchell

No Smiles

My regular monthly post, “Things That Make Me Smile” has been replaced this month with the “Things That Make Me Cry.” The egregious activities of dictator Trump have brought me to tears more than once this last 10 months. “Trump’s egregious infractions range from unfair to the unconstitutional to the unconscionable,” according to Ruben Navarrette. Its not just Trump, but his cronies in congress who are allowing Trump to bulldoze our government. Navarrette continues that Trump has “defaced, defiled, and destroyed the institutions and traditions that make America great.”

Spot On

Sadly, Navarrette is spot on, and that’s why I can’t stop crying. I am watching the death of our democracy, one executive order at a time. How about you? Is this president breaking your heart too? We are together in this thing. Grab my hand and let’s commit to do everything within our power to elect a blue House and a blue Senate. Stop the oligarchs. Stop the madness. Protest and demonstrate. Donate as much as you can, as often as you can. It takes a lot of money and a lot of noise to defeat the billionaire boy’s club.

Self-Interest Above All

Trump will go down in history as a morally corrupt conman, carnival barker, bigot, and 35 count convicted felon who only asked what the presidency could do for him, not what he could do for the presidency or the country.

15 Things That Trump Has Done That Made Me Cry 

No. 1: The bulldozing And Complete Destruction Of The Historic East Wing Of The White House: A woman on the tellie called it a “gut punch,” and I feel the same. When I saw the pictures of the demolished East Wing on the Rachael Maddow show it took my breath away. Literally. I was gasping for air, it ‘effin looked like we’d just been bombed. And I guess we were, but it was a domestic terrorist, and his name is  Donald Trump. No one asked the American people if they wanted a gaudy skid road carney show at the White House. How in the ‘eff is Trump getting away with this. Private donations? Ahhh….nothing about this is sounding okay.

No. 2: Trump’s Illegal Dumb-Ass Tariffs: Weaponizing trade policy by imposing punitively high tariffs on imports from more than 180 countries, even on an island inhabited only by penguins. Boy, DJT, you look so stupid and ignorant, you leave us in breathless shock. Trump has recklessly added more fucking taxes on the already overwhelmed  U.S. citizenry. Great messaging. Another gold toilet for Trump. I think George III was sent the message, “No Kings Here,” back in 1776, now it appears you, Mr. Trump need a history lesson. Making matters worse he’s paused the tariffs, schizophrenically changed the tariff rate multiple times to the same country, then for no reasonable rationale restarted them, before in some panicked moment paused them again.

No. 4: Intentional Suppression Of The Epstein Files: Trump has used the power of his lawless government to stop the release of the Epstein files and distract from that suppression in every imaginable way. Trump and the most infamous sex trafficker of the 20th century was according to Trump, “his best buddy” for over a decade. My mom always said, “you’ll be judged by those you associate with.”  So, using that old time truism, you are who you run with. Trump like former Prince Andrew was running around with a sex trafficker extraordinaire Jeffrey Epstein which says to me, he was participating in the abuses right along with dozens of other rich and powerful men. How many trips to Epstein Island, Donald? I say, release the files and let the American people judge how involved Trump was in Epstein’s crimes.

No. 5: Abandoning Ukraine: Who could forget that February meeting at the WH between Trump and Zelenskyy that ended in an ugly rant by Trump. Zelenskyy was invited back to the White House a week ago when Trump dangled the possibility of providing Ukraine with long range Tomahawk  missiles, giving Ukraine the ability to launch offensive attacks on Russia. After luring him to the WH with false promises Trump told Z just to give Putin the land and it would all be over. Unimaginable. Since when does a president of the United States humiliate and demonize an ally and hook their panties to a dictator.

No. 6: War Against Birthright Citizenship: Trump’s on going assault against the Constitution is on full display on this one. The 14th Amendment  spelled out by the Founding Fathers, states unequivocally if you are born in the United States you are entitled to full citizenship, by right of being born here, no questions asked.  Trump wants to turn 250 years of law on its head without going through the amendment process, just do it because Trump tells us to. The argument being that only children of citizens born here are entitled to US citizenship the-children of undocumented immigrants would not be given such privilege.

No. 7:  The Loss Of Due Process: Unleashing, without due process, a flurry of legally dubious deportations, not just of the undocumented but also green card holders, legal residents, AND even U.S. citizens. Blowing up boats in the open ocean without arrest or warning, based on some “belief” the targeted craft could be smuggling drugs is unbelievable. Here’s that pesky Constitution again, The 5th Amendment to the Constitution explicitly states “no person shall … be deprived of life, liberty or property, without due process of law.”  Quite simply, due process guarantees that no one will be arbitrarily fined, arrested, deported or killed by the state-unless they are told the accusations against them, and then be allowed to contest those allegations before a judge (neutral 3rd party).The loss of due process is a scary prospect.

No. 8: Taking A Big Jet From Qatar: What the hell? Since when do we take used equipment, I’m talking about the the Boeing 747 Trump wants to use as Air Force One, that requires billions of dollars to refit? Just B.S. We’ve got airplane manufacturers here in the United States. How about building something that the government gets to keep, not one that Trump plans on using until his death when supposedly his estate will turn it over to the Trump Library. Some say that Qatar bankrolls Hamas terrorists, but oh, well, fearless leader wants it- so-of course the Congress said, “yes, sir, yes, sir, yes, sir.”

No. 9: Trump Demanding $230 Million Dollars From DOJ: Trump himself said it seemed ridiculous that he had the ability to okay the transfer of $230 million dollars from the DOJ to himself. Why would the DOJ pay this con man anything, I ask. Trump claims wrongful prosecution by Jack Smith and others. Oh, really. According to the emoluments clause Trump has no such ability. He cannot pay himself more than his salary. The corruption is so blatant and so in your face I a left speechless. Every day something new, and more corrupt. Take for instance the Trump family crypto scam.

No. 10: Cyrpto Contest Shenanigan’s: Back in May Trump offered to the highest paying customers of his personal cryptocurrency a dinner and tour of the WH by Trump himself. Sounded like Trump was selling access to himself and the White House for personal profit. Seems like a logical conclusion. Trump began selling his new tokens three days before his inauguration. The coin, which has zero intrinsic value, soared to $75 each, allowing  60 of the earliest buyers to profit over $10 million each before the $TRUMP coins plummeted in value. When Trump announced his contest in late April to award a “gala” dinner at his golf resort in Sterling, Virginia, to the top 220 Trump coin purchasers, based on how much they held on average from Jan. 17, 2024 through May 15, 2025. At that time the coin was a depressed $8 each. The top 25 coin holders would also be invited to a “VIP” reception with Trump before the dinner and then a tour the following day. The contest website originally had said a White House tour was part of the package, but subsequently changed the webpage to delete the White House reference. Sometimes when it looks like in your face corruption, it is. As part of the crypto corruption Trump just pardoned Changpeng Zhao, commonly called CZ, for admitted money laundering. Mr Zhao just happens to be in the crypto business with the Trump family. Nothing to see here folks, just move along.

No. 11: Trump Claims Immunity From Judicial Review: The Supreme Court under  John Robert’s is a sickening collection of outlaws and revisionists. Historically this court will be viewed as a shameful period for the law. It seems that this pathetic court has underwritten just about anything Trump dreams up. Recently the Mango Mussolini claimed there could be no judicial review of his administration’s actions. Trump stated the president didn’t have to answer to the federal courts, and even threatened sitting judges that strike down his policies as unlawful and need to be impeached and replaced with those that are blind MAGA supporters.

No. 12: The Weaponization Of The Department of Justice: The takeover of the DOJ and the FBI, by Donnie Dearest is becoming increasingly alarming. Daddy Trump is now directing who should be indicted and prosecuted. Revenge and retribution for anyone who stepped on the fat one’s swollen toes or someone who may have angered him, or got ahead of him at the buffet line is in danger of having their lives turned upside down. John Bolton, Leticia James, James Comey are just the beginning of a boatload of politically targeted prosecutions. Watch out Chris Wray, Miles Taylor, Chris Krebs, John Brennan, Chris Christie, Adam Schiff, and even special prosecutor, Jack Smith.

No. 13: Pardoning The January 6th Rioters:  Trump on his second Inauguration Day distinguished himself by pardoning nearly 1600 people who participated in the January 6th, 2020 riot. Many of these offenders beat up cops, damaged, defaced, or stole government property, and threatened the lives of legislators. Since the pardon at least a dozen of these folks have been rearrested for new crimes.  Recently, a 1/6 pardon recipient was subsequently arrested for threatening to kill Hakeem Jeffries, the Democratic Leader of the House.

No. 14: Tax Cuts For Oligarchs, Insurance Cuts For Americans: On July 4, 2025, Trump signed “The Big Ugly Bill” leading to the largest cuts to health care into law. The entirely Republicans back reckless legislation cuts more than $1 trillion from Medicaid and the Affordable Care Act, destabilizing the health care system and making health care more expensive and harder to access for all Americans. The latest estimates from the nonpartisan, independent congressional Budget Office (CBO), Republicans’ health care cuts will terminate health insurance for roughly 15 million Americans. Some reports mistakenly suggest that Americans will not feel the harms of this legislation in the near term. Republicans are saying that select cuts could be stopped or delayed, while others are lying and saying there are no cuts to Medicaid. Month by month, hospitals are shutting down, clinics are closing, staff are being laid off, services are being cancelled, and families are paying more out of pocket, unable to access the care they need.

No. 15: Targeting Marginalized Groups: Trump and associates have instituted a campaign of anti-LGBTQ+ policies. Human rights groups note that Trump has stripped legal protections for transgender people and restricted access to gender affirming care. Trump has been openly hostile to the LGBTQ community and vehemently opposed the Equality Act, which would have ensured that existing civil rights protections cover sexual orientation and gender identity in the way that they already do for race, disability, veteran status, and more. The Dumpster also blocked basic job protections for LGBTQ people, insisting that employers should be free to fire workers for their sexual orientation or gender identity. The Department of Health and Human Services under the Trump administration also eliminated nondiscrimination protections for LGBTQ people established under the Affordable Care Act.

 

Women of a Certain Age-Fall Edition

Women of a Certain Age – Fall Edition

Women of a Certain Age – Fall Edition

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel

 

Fall is here – a sea of pumpkin spice abounds, but if you are a woman of a certain age, fall memories are just a bit different…

  1. If your autumn recollections involve apple cider in a paper cup with fold-out handles, not a pumpkin spice latte, you might be a woman of a certain age…
  2. If you have memories of jumping into a mountain of leaves while raking and not worrying about smashing your cell phone…
  3. If fall fashions from your past include Peter Pan collared plaid dresses…
  4. If penny loafers with shiny copper pennies in the slots and argyle knee socks were part of your wardrobe staples…
  5. If you ever wore a plastic mask that made your face sweat, along with an acrylic one-piece costume for trick or treating – Barbie, Miss America, the Beatles, and Casper the Friendly Ghost were popular…
  6. If you ever had a Hoody-Doody costume…
  7. If you love a good hayride and know to tie an old plaid shirt around your waist before you sit down…
  8. If trunk or treat didn’t exist when you were in grade (or grammar) school…
  9. If an old sheet with two holes for eyes was your go-to Halloween costume, with the matching pillowcase to hold the candy…
  10. If your fall favorites include apple pie with cheddar cheese on top…
  11. If you recognize the scent of burning leaves…
  12. If you had a school Halloween party that included bobbing for apples…
  13. If you ever attended a Fall Fest in your neighborhood…
  14. If you know the lyrics to “Monster Mash”…
  15. If a Butterball turkey stuffed with homemade dressing not from a box, and mashed potatoes made from potato buds were front and center for your Thanksgiving dinner…
  16. If you never heard of tofu turkey and still don’t know what it is..
  17. If cranberries and apples in the slow cooker are still part of your fall cuisine…
  18. If you received a Sky Bar or Bit-O-Honey in your trick or treating ventures…
  19. If you know what a Sky Bar or Bit-O-Honey is…
  20. If you found Razzles or Pop Rocks in your trick or treat bag…
  21. If you ever had a red hard candy coated apple…
  22. If you ever broke a tooth on a red candy coated apple…
  23. If you watched the original “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” on broadcast television…
  24. If you watched the original Charlie Brown Thanksgiving on network TV…
  25. If while walking your dog you made a swish-crackle sound when autumn leaves flew through the air around you…
  26. If you attended the fall Sock Hop in a plaid skirt and twin sweater set…
  27. If you know what a Sock Hop is…
  28. If you weren’t afraid to eat the homemade treats in your trick or treating haul…
  29. If you went to the drive-in to see a movie on closing weekend…
  30. If you know what a drive-in movie is…
  31. If you watched the Macy Thanksgiving Day Parade in black and white…
  32. If you know Chuckles is not just a clown…
  33. If you know Mary Janes are not just back-to-school shoes…
  34. If you ever wore a candy pop necklace…
  35. If you know Dum-Dums are not referring to Republicans…

 

Happy fall, ladies of a certain age, no matter what the season, we always have style…

 

Perfection, Imperfected

Perfection, Imperfected

 

Perfection, Imperfected

 

By John Curran

Well, let me tell ya. It’s hard being a radical leftist bloodthirsty murderous lunatic who hates America, God, and even apple pie. I’m telling ya, as Rodney Dangerfield would say, “I get no respect.” So, once they tarred and feathered me for too much space taken up by my tent in a designated enclosure, I just said enough is enough. All my friends, some of them homeless people, that’s right I admit it, anyway they all said….Phoenix, Arizona? Why would I want to go there? Well the answer was I just threw a dart at my USA wall map ‘n that’s where it stuck. So that was it.

When I hit Phoenix, I looked for a job at this organization that I must keep secret as my good reputation is on the line. I applied for the job of janitor. I was invited up to Personnel. There was a group of them when I walked in, a dozen or so, all sitting in a circle. There was an empty chair in the middle of the circle, that was for me. “Sit yourself down right here ‘ol timer,” says the one guy, standing tall. The others, all dudes, were seated. They were all young.

“So, you want to take out the trash and stuff like that, huh? says the tall guy. “Well tell me this then, do you believe in Jesus? Well, they all turned to me intently, as if everything, everything, depended on my answer to this, and so I told them, Yes, I do. He’s a good neighbor. His last name is Garcia, Jesus Garcia, a very good next door neighbor. Of course this was all just made up. I was just lying to see how far all this would take me. The circle seemed to find all this amusing. Tall guy then asks me, “Would you die for this Jesus Garcia?” Well, I said, I would, “of course,” and that my cat would too, and has in fact,  only recently come back from the dead. “The dead, the dead, yeah I like that,” says Tall guy and proceeds to get a chant going, “The dead, the dead, yes we do, we love the dead, the dead, the dead, the dead, the dead….”

And boy I tell ya they got going with that one, sure did. This spontaneous levity in fact took a few moments to die back down, before calm was finally restored. Tall tells me, “you can empty trash buckets but first the Queen must give final approval,” and then in walks this gorgeous blonde who walks right up to me and tells me that first I better get a haircut, the ‘company cut’ it was called. The idea being complete similarity to all the rest.

And then I woke up. Wow, wicked dream. Hey, no more late night Fox News for me, brother. And so I got up, got dressed, ‘n saw the sun was shining. I knew I was late but I did not want to miss the Sunday service, where I wash the feet of the homeless.