2024’s Worst New Year’s Resolutions
2024’s Worst New Year’s Resolutions
By Cate Rees-Hessel
Editor: At the beginning of each year many of us examine our lives and in many cases decide we need to make some changes; thus the New Year’s Resolution List. So with that said, here are Cate’s 2024’s worst New Year’s Resolutions.
- Resolving AGAIN to lose weight – this is the most common resolution. It lasts until maybe mid-January most of the time. I no longer bother to resolve to do this, I just resolve to eat healthy, stay hydrated, and exercise.
- Resolving to join a gym but never visiting there – canceling can be a major hassle.
- Resolving to get a permanent eyeliner and lip liner tattoo. Nope. I’ve resolved to get up ten minutes earlier in the morning to line my eyes and sometimes I even skip the lip liner.
- Resolving to get plastic surgery or Botox in order to appear younger. I instead will embrace the beauty of aging.
- Resolving to clean out your closets, ridding yourself of any and all junk. A good idea but overwhelming if you decide to do it all at once – try doing it in smaller sections.
- Resolving to never, ever, ever again, drink, soda, alcohol, or expensive coffee beverages. Let’s face it, not going to happen – just remember moderation is the key here.
- Resolving to only drink diet soda. Are you aware of the chemicals in those?
- Resolving to play the lottery. Don’t gamble on this one – just start a savings account instead.
- Resolving to give your boss a piece of your mind – this is the same as resolving to join the unemployment line.
- Resolving to be adventurous. Skinny dipping in winter, bungee jumping over a frozen lake, twerking in public – this is called stupidity.
- Resolving to accept as many blind dates as you can – this is also called stupidity.
- Resolving to drunk text your ex on New Year’s Eve or maybe Valentine’s Day – this is called beyond stupidity.
- Resolving to stop reading the labels at the grocery store. Since the majority of boxed, canned, frozen, and even alleged fresh foods are GMO these days, this is not a wise resolution. Preservatives, artificial colors, and the like don’t make for a happy New Year, either.
- Resolving to start jogging 5 miles a day. No, just no – start slow and stay safe. Maybe a walk around the block today and two blocks tomorrow.
- Resolving to skip COVID vaccine boosters. You will have plenty of time to read the books you are resolving to read while you’re in quarantine, presuming you are not in a hospital on a ventilator. Whatever you do, don’t binge watch the last six seasons of the “The Apprentice” – you are already sick.
- Resolving to dance like nobody is watching in front of a window – no, nope, not good-somebody is always watching.
- Resolving to give that creepy date a second chance; after all Valentine’s Day comes shortly after New Year’s. I think not – this won’t end well; creeps just get creepier.
- Resolving to conquer your fear of heights by taking flying lessons or trying a zip line. My fear is that this too will not end well.
- Resolving to invest half of your paycheck in cryptocurrency. You may want to rethink this one, because the last I heard all those hot cryptocurrency guru’s are serving 99 to life.
- Resolving to take pickleball lessons, learning to play the tuba, or enrolling in a circus arts course at the community college- think these over before you shell out any money. I think you’d be alright with the pickleball classes, but I’d definitely forget the tuba training and the high wire act.
- Resolving to be a do it yourself plumber – once again, this can’t end well.
- Resolving to vote Republican. Don’t go there – ever… No, not ever.
- Resolving to buy a boxed set of “The Apprentice” on clearance at Walmart and binge watch it. First of all, why would anyone do such a thing and secondly, why are all those lousy old videos still around? Because they’re lousy of course.
- Resolving to never again attend a multi-tiered market party no matter the hype, to find out why, see below.
