Category: Parody

Deals No One Bought, Or Should Ever Buy

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Deals No One Bought, Or Should Ever Buy

Trump is selling everything from sneakers to water.

Deals No One Bought, Or Should Ever Buy

By Cate Rees-Hessel with Wes Hessel

  1. That damn Trumpy Bear from late night television.
  2. Trump Vodka – we have enough Russian piss to deal with…
  3. Tacky gold sneakers that are certainly not Chucks.
  4. JD Vance hair care kit (clarifying shampoo definitely not included) – his hair isn’t the only thing that is oily…
  5. Donald Trump Chia head.
  6. MAGA (made proudly in China) red hat – watch for the tariff exception…
  7. Anything souvenir to do with the Trump inauguration.
  8. A 2024 calendar (election sold separately)…
  9. Beaded Trump head earrings – yes, I actually saw these hideous creations online…
  10. Earrings made of safety pins – they won’t help hold our nation together (or fix any of the gross damage)…
  11. Fake pearl toilet paper earrings left over from 2020. We all have enough crap to deal with…
  12. Trump’s memoirs for bathroom reading – should you receive this as a “gift” and run out of toilet paper, be prepared for a hefty plumbing bill…
  13. Anything from the boxes in the Mar-A-Largo bathroom.
  14. A membership in the JD Vance Barefoot and Pregnant Society.
  15. Putin puppet theater, complete with an orange-haired marionette.
  16. Red neck ties (read that any way you want)…
  17. “Fail to the Chief” remix recording, sung by Hershel and the Hillbillies..
  18. Vintage Apprentice bored game
  19. Box set of “The Apprentice” on VHS
  20. Cat and dog dinnerware.
  21. Deportation vacation.
  22. Commemorative brick from the fallen border wall.
  23. Trump garbage truck.
  24. Big Mac gift certificate.
  25. McDonald’s French fry machine replica toy used by Donnie boy – most parents prefer educational toys…
  26. McDonald’s Not Happy Meal with a toy Trump figurine.
  27. Anything designed by Melania.
  28. Fake blood pellets left over from the Donald’s fake assassination attempt.
  29. Trumpo-monopoly game – missing the Get Out of Jail Free card
  30. Autographed Trump mug shot – wait a minute, this I might buy…
  31. Vance and Trump candle set – um, hold on…
  32. “My Pillow” anything.
  33. Pussy cat stuffed animal that hisses when you grab it (caution: kitty also has claws…)
  34. Locker talk handbook for creepy old men.
  35. Orange toupee.
  36. A video of “The Donald” swaying to a 45 minute 1960’s music playlist.
  37. JD Vance non-fashion doll.
  38. 34 guaranteed felony escape gift certificates…
  39. Toy Trump Train – no self-respecting tree would have that thing underneath it; besides, personally I’m still ridin’ with Biden…
  40. Anything signed by the blasphemous Donald – I have no respect for anyone who scribbles on the Word of God, nor does the Scriptures need anyone’s endorsement, especially from someone consistently breaks the majority, if not all, of the Ten Commandments…

For Giving Tuesday (or any other time), support any or all of these or other progressive organizations, by giving what you can or by volunteering. In the wise words of Michelle Obama, this holiday season and beyond, “do something”…

The Christian Left: https://donorbox.org/friends-of-tcl

The Progressive Jewish Fund (PJF): https://www.nif.org/get-involved/ways-to-give/pjf/

Democratic National Committee (DNC): https://democrats.org/

The Barack Obama Foundation: https://www.obama.org/

MoveOn: https://front.moveon.org/

The Lincoln Project: https://lincolnproject.us/

National Organization for Women (NOW): https://now.org/

Planned Parenthood: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/

ACLU: https://www.aclu.org/

Southern Poverty Law Center: https://www.splcenter.org/

Wildlife Conservation Society (formerly World Wildlife Federation): https://www.wcs.org/

The Humane Society of the United States: https://www.humanesociety.org/

American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA): https://www.aspca.org/

PETA: https://www.peta.org/

Sierra Club: https:`//www.sierraclub.org/

National Audubon Society: https://www.audubon.org/

World Food Program USA (WFP – part of UN): https://www.wfpusa.org/

Feeding America: https://www.feedingamerica.org/

March of Dimes: https://www.marchofdimes.org/

Doctors Without Borders: https://www.doctorswithoutborders.org/

UNICEF: https://www.unicefusa.org/

The United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees (UNHCR): https://www.unrefugees.org/

The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Amnesty International (AI) USA: https://www.amnestyusa.org/

 

A Trunk of Trump Junk

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A Trunk of Trump Junk…

Donald Trump seems to have an endless number of items he likes to attach his name to. Here are a few parody samples

A Trunk of Trump Junk

 

By Cate Rees-Hessel and Wes 

China Sin-drone

Until Donald Trump no other presidential candidate or former “head” of state has ever hawked made-in-China, dime store quality, over priced rubbish.  For starters, we’ve got the Trumpy Bear, the MAGA hat, a Chia pet, and My Pillow. On this next one my dog would lift his leg: the ugliest gold high top never surrender sneakers ever created. I’m surprised there is no fake vomit or whoopee cushions in this collection of no-class trash. For those who missed it on The View, Rita Moreno made us all smile when she described a Trump sandwich, seen on a menu at a New York City deli: two slices of white bread (presumably all crust and likely stale), full of baloney, with a very small pickle; darn, it ruins gherkins for me. In case, Trump needs some ideas for a new grift product; I’ve come up with at least 36 ideas for Trump merchandise (with a smidge of input from the spouse…)

36 Ideas For Trump Merchandise

  1. A Trump mug shot, with double bonus autographed photos of Kid Rock and Roseanne Barr.
  2. MAGA hair tonic – turns hair neon orange while destroying any remaining brain cells Trumpsters might have.
  3. Putin’s Puppet – Trump on a string.
  4. Melania Botox in a box – you too can look like a washed up plastic Hustler centerfold.
  5. Melania Barbie – NOPE. NO WAY, NO HOW. (after all, Mattel has excellent taste – they brought us the Barbie movie-and decades of fantastic characters (toys).
  6. Grumpy Trumpy doll – voodoo perhaps…
  7. The Donald Disinfectant spray for when you grab ’em by the p—-.
  8. Big Mac erasers – I was just wondering if we could erase his face?
  9. American History for Dummies book.
  10. Trump motion lotion – just ewwwwww…
  11. Box set of The Apprentice on VHS.
  12. Trump toupee – it speaks for itself, complimentary mango orange tan cream included.
  13. Robe and slippers from Trump Hotel – likely made by child labor…per Melania’s instructions.
  14. Trump face dart board – now this I would buy; bullseye!
  15. “Steal the Election Game” – because it never happened in real life.
  16. Recording of “Fail to the Chief” – this should include a bonus track of the late Helen Reddy’s “Ain’t no Way to Treat a Lady” and “I am Woman” (hear me roar…)
  17. Revolutionary War-era airport parking permit.
  18. Trump kitty litter – because he is full of it.
  19. Trump Bobble-head toilet bowl brush – enough said…
  20. Trump toilet paper – maybe not, don’t want it touching my rear end.
  21. Trump deodorant – because he stinks.
  22. Poster of all American Presidents photos with a question mark in 45’s slot.
  23. Trump Troll doll.
  24. Trumpy election flask – because you have to be drunk to vote for him.
  25. Trump orange suit – for that matchy, matchy look…I understand there are matching sandals.
  26. Trump-monopoly – go straight to jail, do not pass go.
  27. Trump hemorrhoid cream – because, some have said, he is a significant pain in the rump.
  28. Humpty Trumpty puzzle – sat on a wall, had a great fall, and all the king’s men would not put him back together again (my spouse commented that this isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and he wouldn’t shell out for it).
  29. Interchangeable photo cube – choose the faith of the book he carries upside down, outside of a house of worship he never attends.
  30. Well, there is no way we can produce a Trump pet rock because his followers would throw them at the Capitol building.
  31. MAGA mixed nuts gift pack.
  32. An inflatable life-size Trumpy – pull his string and the government shuts down.
  33. This year instead of a Vote for Trump yard sign-go all in with his new twelve foot tall inflatable Trump balloon; great for your front yard.
  34. Trump’s Chumps T-shirt (my husband came up with this one).
  35. Melania ball and chain silver plated jewelry set.
  36. President Biden doll pushing a dumpster containing all this garbage…

 

 

The Twelve Days of Covid Christmas

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The Twelve Days of Covid Christmas

The holidays bring fun but also stress and anxiety.

The Twelve Days of Covid Christmas

Here are some new lyrics for the holiday favorite, “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” please feel free to just sing-a-long.

 

By Anna Hessel

The Twelve Days of Covid Christmas

The First Day – Where’s The Partridge?

  • On the first day of Christmas
  • My true love sent to me
  • ONE pear scented gel hand sanitizer

The Second Day – No Turtle To Slow This Dove Down

  • On the second day of Christmas
  • My true love sent to me
  • TWO bars of Dove antibacterial soap
  • And ONE pear scented gel hand sanitizer

The Third Day – What, No Hens?

  • On the third day of Christmas
  • My true love sent to me
  • THREE French couture face covering masks
  • TWO bars of Dove antibacterial soap
  • And ONE pear scented gel hand sanitizer

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Women Of A Certain Age

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Women Of A Certain Age

We are Survivors of a hell of a lot. . . .

Women of a Certain Age, are survivors

Women Of A Certain Age

We are Survivors

By Anna Hessel

We Survived 

4 years of “The Donald”. Shoulder pads. Bouffant hair. Bodysuits that snapped down there. Mullets. We survived 45. Eighties fashions; including spandex and neon. Girdles that were never Spanx. Fighting for the ERA – we continue to survive this one. Thigh cream. Trump “presidency.” Platform shoes. Bell bottom pants that did nothing for our bottoms.

Nair For Short Shorts

Short shorts themselves. We survived 45 (and I’m not talking about the age…). Push up bras – some of us are still surviving this one. Aerobics classes at the ladies gym in brightly colored leg warmers. Jelly sandals. Ironing our hair with clothing irons. “That” administration. Velcro hair rollers (I actually still use mine!). Setting our hair on orange juice cans. Class photos, precursor to drivers license photos. Drinking from the garden hose.

The Trumpster

Suntans courtesy of baby oil and iodine with no SPF in sight. Junior High, High School, and College. Many of us survived childbirth, terrible twos, and raising teenagers. Gym class in uniforms that resembled prison garb. “Agent Orange.”  Powder Puff football games. Cheerleading skirts. Pageants with swimsuit competitions. Bridesmaid dresses. Rotary dial phones. Land lines. Twenty-six foot telephone cords. Beepers, and pay phones. Polyester pantsuits. 4 years of “The Family”. Paisley floral prints. Granny boots with ruffled dresses.

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METAL TRUMP- Nothing Else Matters

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METAL TRUMP
Nothing Else Matters by Metallica

 

TRUMP METAL- NOTHING ELSE MATTERS

Metallica

YouTube is going crazy with the Metal Trump theme. Here is one I especially like, Metallica rocks. As always, I  DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE MUSIC USED FOR THIS VIDEO! THE MUSIC IS NOTHING ELSE MATTERS BY METALLICA. I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE FOOTAGE USED FOR THIS VIDEO! ALL FOOTAGE BELONGS TO ITS RIGHTFUL OWNER(S).” I think that covers my involvement. Thanks, David Shadrick for suggesting these two videos for Calamity News and Politics Jukebox Choice of the Day. Enjoy! DSM

 

TRUMP METAL- PARANOID

Black Sabbath

METAL TRUMP-PARANOID

BLACK SABBATH

How about a double dose of Metal Trump? So, here goes. I  DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE MUSIC USED FOR THIS VIDEO! THE MUSIC IS “NOTHING ELSE MATTERS” BY METALLICA AND PARANOID BY BLACK SABBATH. I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE FOOTAGE USED FOR THIS VIDEO! ALL FOOTAGE BELONGS TO ITS RIGHTFUL OWNER(S). I think that about covers my involvement, other than sharing with my friends. So, here is the second choice of the day for Calamity Politics Jukebox Choice of the Day. Enjoy!

 

https://www.calamitypolitics.com/2020/12/04/judas-priest-youve-got-another-thing-comin-15552/

 

Caron “Fifty Ways To Leave The White House”

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PARODY

DON CARON:

“Fifty Ways To Leave The White House”

Don Caron is the right man at the right with his great parody piece, “Fifty Ways To Leave The White House.” I just had to highlight this extremely timely song. Thanks Don, you did yourself well. You have just been chosen as Calamity News and Politics Jukebox Choice of the Day! Enjoy. DSM.

“We Didn’t Start The Fire”-Parody

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“We Didn’t Start The Fire”-Parody

Parody by Nathan Margoliash-original music and lyrics by Billy Joel

Our friend T.K. McNeil found this Nathan Margoliash parody of the great Billy Joel hit, “We Didn’t Start The Fire,” while scouring YouTube posts. When he suggested I make it the Calamity Politics jukebox choice of the day, I said, “why not? So here you are. Be sure to check out Nathan’s YouTube channel. Enjoy. D. S. Mitchell