12 Days of Christmas-Gone Rogue
12 Days of Christmas-Gone Rogue
By Cate Rees-Hessel
1. On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree…
What a cute little birdie and I do love fruit… Apparently, my dear true love forgot I have a cat. That little bird sure can fly fast when being chased by a feline. I had a devil of a time getting him down from where he landed on the chandelier. Then the little dickens ate the biggest pear off the tree, the one I was saving to make a tart. I put the tree and its occupant on my patio. Perhaps a basket of fruit from Harry and David with a partridge figurine from Wayfair would have been a more appropriate present…
- On the second day of Christmas my love gave to me, two turtle doves…
It appears my love is quite the birds enthusiast, but these “peaceful” little creatures have a mean streak. They attacked the poor partridge when I placed them on the patio. The feathers are flying here today. The veterinary bill is being sent to my darling gift giver. How can one re-gift feathered creatures?
- More foul – hens! Three of them, and not for Christmas dinner, either. Three French Hens, complete with a tariff bill I had to pay before they were shipped, arrived today. I don’t have a hen house, and my patio is getting crowded…
- The man with whom I share some affection sure is a bird lover. Today I received four squawking, er, I mean calling birds. These birds certainly need their own cell phones. My patio is beginning to look a lot like an aviary. Has this man not heard of Zales? My dear seems to forget I work from home…
- Finally, my true love sent jewelry – five lovely stackable gold rings. Maybe a diamond bracelet or earrings is in my future, in place of our winged friends…
- More feathered friends. Six geese-a-laying eggs all over my carpet. Perhaps my love is hinting he would like to come over for an omelet. I know eggs prices have soared, but this is a bit overkill…
- Enough with the birds already – my boyfriend sent seven more avians. Apparently my condo association has a rule about seven swans-a-swimming in the community jacuzzi. Who knew such a codicil existed? Perhaps my next gift will be a consultation with an attorney, and I will be seeking the services of a realtor in the new year. This has been a challenging week, thanks to my guy. I sincerely hope he doesn’t acquire a fondness for rodents…
- Well, at least no more birds. The gentlemen with whom a bit of affection is shared sent me eight maids carrying empty milk jugs, since I don’t have a cow. Perhaps tomorrow’s gift will involve bovine. I do love me some fat free milk but really, a grocery gift card would be much more appropriate here. These alleged maids did a terrible job with the kitchen and bathroom; they did nothing for my egg stained rug, either…
- Now there is a ballet going on in my living room. Nine ladies are dancing their hearts out here – I had to move the furniture out of the way. I am sending them and the maids to a motel for the night. My friend with benefits is getting an invoice for the Uber and accompanying accommodations…
- My friend without benefits has now sent ten lords-a-leaping. These men in tights already knocked over a table, broke a floor lamp, and scared my dog, who was already quite traumatized from all the birds and women that keep arriving. Another trip to the veterinary clinic…
- More noise in the form of eleven pipers piping in my dining room; my acquaintance really needs to choose gifts more wisely. Has this dude never heard of Sephora or Macy’s? I am amazed at what one can purchase on eBay or Amazon…
- Even more noise for my frenzy – a dozen drummers to give me a raging migraine. I flew the coup and filed a restraining order against lunatic “true love”.
Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone – hope my gift of laughter made you smile this holiday season…
